As soon as I saw Herman, I knew he was up to no good. Almost every day, he came to visit Elsie, his wife of sixty years, at the nursing home where I worked. I was only in my early twenties and still had a lot to learn about life, but even I could tell that the bond between Elsie and Herman was special. Still, the man was full of mischief, and when he sidled up to me, I prepared to hear something outrageous from him. And H...

“Dawn, what a beautiful home, on a street full of beautiful homes,” said Rhonda as they parked in Dawn’s driveway. “Thank you. It’s a long way from that dive we rented in college, huh?” “A looong fucking way. Whoops, I don’t usually drop the F-bomb like that. I think I’m feeling those two glasses of Chablis.” “Hey, I told you to finish the second half of your sandwich. “Yeah, yeah.” Anyway, welcome to Chez Parker. Here, g...

It was a long day and you were the only thing I was looking forward to. There was an empty place where you were sitting so recently. My disappointment crushed down on me as I couldn't believe you were gone. I stood there, my arms at my side, my fists clenched as reality hit me between the eyes. It wasn't supposed to be like this; it was totally unexpected. I tried to think of the clues I might have missed, but my mind was...

Duncliffe Wood, England “Hey there, I’m here! Where do I go for my forest bath?” I fumbled my notes, scattering them about the grass when I first saw the fetching young woman who’d snuck up on me. She likened to an angel in her cotton white dress—an angel who didn’t wear knickers. As my eyes travelled her statuesque frame, I couldn’t help but notice the shadow below her waist, revealing her carpet didn’t match her blonde...

Long ago, I decided that success in business was much more important than dating or family. My decision paid off in a big way. My startup was a bigger hit than I had dared to dream, and a huge conglomerate offered me an obscene amount of money for it. After I sold my company and retired at the ripe old age of thirty-two, the next day was even more unusual. I woke up at 5:58, two minutes before the alarm. I shaved, showere...

This is a tale of an eighteen-year-old guy named Jim. One day, Jim sat on the examination table at White Palms Hospital, waiting for his follow-up to the monthly check-up he’d had last week. He was to return because Nurse Emma had phoned him just two days ago. “Hi, Jim,” she had said brightly over the phone. “How are you doing?” “Um, I’m fine, Nurse Emma. Is everything okay?” “Oh, yes, Jim. I know this is a great inconven...

Dr. Gregory Louse stood in front of his white board, and gestured with his cane. "We have a new and inexplicable patient-of-the-week, people. What are the symptoms?" he demanded of his assembled team of diagnosticians. "Overactive libido and uncontrollable sexual urges," said Dr. Foreskin, a huge, muscular black man with an enormous bulge in the crotch of his scrubs. "She has sex at least ten times a day." Dr. Louse seize...

In a Hole in an Arse there lived a Fockit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet Hole, filled with the ends of turds and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy Hole with nothing about it worth eating or slobbering at: it was a Fockit Hole, and that means comfort. This particular Fockit – What is a Fockit? Fockits are a Tiny People, just small enough to be able to squeeze into and out of a Hole when they need to, and invisible, indee...

Henry Exeter 5410 Montana Avenue Everheart, ND Dear Everheart Grourmet Subscriber: Welcome to my latest installment of the Everheart Gourmet Newsletter in which I inform the residents of Everheart of the ever-changing culinary offerings here in our fine community. After many requests, I can finally provide you with a full review of the gentlemen's supper club out by the train tracks: Tits and Tacos. Tits and Tacos serves...

Dear Agony Aunt Claire, Something has happened in my life that troubles me. I am a recently retired man who has been happily married to my wife for more years than I would care to remember. We still have a sex life, though over the years it has dwindled to Sunday morning after our morning cuppa. At this point, I don’t know if she is doing it for me or I’m doing it for her. Nevertheless, I believe it’s an arrangement that...