Things never turn out the way you expect, or so the saying goes. The saying should be expanded. Sometimes, things turn out in ways you couldn’t possibly expect, and then become things that, prior to them turning out, you didn’t even know were the things you were supposed to be expecting… Does that make sense? When Y’Dryth and its vassal planets finally disappear in our proverbial rear-view mirror and we’re literally four...

When Y’Dryth’s gravity finally lets go of us entirely and we’re slingshotted back into empty space, the last of the shaking abates. Neither Bane nor Rune answers my questions about our attackers/pursuers – no surprise there – but from the small line of blood seeping from Rune’s right ear, I’m guessing there was some heavy-duty Princess Leia-ing involved. For the first time since I’ve met him, Rune lies down next to me on...

“You vowed you’d take Kay home,” I repeat Rune's words, confirming with Kay via a glance at her, hoping that she’d react if this turned out to be inaccurate somehow - all just one big, hilarious misunderstanding. But she just looks at each of us in turn, warily, from her own half-crouched position. “Let me guess. This vow is super-important? Like, immensely? Quintessential Dryth-ness and honor and stuff?” Bane nods a curt...

When I was sixteen years old, I had a crush on a classmate of mine. His name was Jimmy White and he looked like Andrew Keegan’s even dreamier brother, intelligent glasses and all. I may or may not have picked him partially because his last name was also a color, just like mine, it’s a sign, y’all! Plus, he sat next to the person who sat next to the person who sat in front of the person who sat next to me in Mr. Newcomb’s...

So. Drahta eat and drink basically the same things as Dryth. They also have zero table manners, but when they’re not starving, it’s possible to be in the same room with them while they’re eating... so long as you don’t make eye contact. That was a learning curve, believe you me. Also, they poop little cubes like a wombat. Guess how I found out about that. (Yes, we did have a talk about it and she now has a bedpan.) The ju...

Deviously using food as a distraction for my boys – works every single time – I provide myself with some time and space for my visit to the storage room, aka the female’s lair. The estrogen hideout. The lady cave. You get the drift. On the off chance that Drahta are water drinkers and omnivores like their male counterparts, I carry a little of each with me there on a little tray. Opening the sliding double door just a hai...

Shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh I don’t know how much time has passed in which I barely dared to breathe. My mind is spinning in panic, like a top. A top on amphetamines. A haunted top on amphetamines that also screams with the voice of a frightened little girl. Why in the Fuck’s name didn’t Bane tell me that SHE’S STILL HERE?! (Maybe because you weren’t listening to him, and then you got angry and said ‘fuck’ a lot and t...

My brain takes exactly one second to go through all the idiotic scenarios – Bane, naked female, hanky-panky, caught in the act, tears, screeching, it’s not what it looks like, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, let’s stay friends, blah, blah, blah. Then the rest of reality filters into my head. The naked woman – female, rather, clearly not human (skin’s too gray, claws are too long, and are those feelers?)...

“That’s a human.” I actually smush my fingertip against the screen where he had just been like I could pin him down. The static electricity of it tingles coldly against my skin and the picture warps slightly. “That was… a human guy… walking right there.” As I point and stare, there are two – no, three! – others popping up between all the aliens. I can make them out within a split second because of the familiar shape and g...

“God. Fucking. Dammit!” I screech. And then I cough because screeching requires a lot of breath, and breathing in a lot while your face is very close to the ground is not a terribly bright idea. You know how they say that teachers make the worst students, right? What ‘they’ mean by that is usually that teachers are an obnoxious bunch of know-it-alls who are entirely unable to learn anything new from anyone else because th...

“Oh my god! Look at that freak!” Gavin had spotted our neighbor, Leigh, who was out in her backyard with her telescope thingy. Leigh’s sister, Millie, had been in our year at school before the car crash. Drunk driver. She wasn’t in any year after that. “Go on, Hayd. Ask her if she’s looking for her sister.” Gavin laughed. At the funeral, Gavin whispered that Millie was in our year as in, the “passed” tense. Spelling the w...

I sat in the comfort of my home, reflecting on the turbulent aftermath of George Floyd's murder as well as the unending quarantine. The looting bothered me, but I understood the rage. I understood as well as any seventy-year-old white woman can. I've lived through social unrest before with civil rights and Vietnam War protests. These days for excitement I'm venturing out in my mask and gloves like a senile proctologist. S...

T minus thirty seconds to launch. The fearful countdown had resumed for our spacecraft, the Edward D. Wood. Our mission was to search for intelligent life on Planet X in the far-off Duck Dodgers galaxy. It wasn't my first mission but I still find the actual launch both fearful and exhilarating. Fearful because we always run the risk of frying and sizzling like Betty White in a tanning bed. But, exciting because the powerf...

I'm Carlotta "Carly" Tibbs, proprietor of the Yosemite Sam Shooting Range and Sex Toy Emporium. It's one-stop shopping in balmy Bullhead City, Arizona for all gun-toting preverts in the great southwest. I was behind the counter marking down our selection of anal beads made of Saguaro cactus (worst marketing idea since New Coke) when she walked in from the oppressive heat, sweating like Kevin Spacey at an all-boys summer c...

I'm no stranger to romance, but we aren't on a first name basis either. Which is why I'm excited about taking my new girlfriend to my family's Easter dinner. I don't think they've ever totally accepted my gayness since my sister still addresses my Christmas card to "Pervert" Gravel. Where are my manners? I'm Emma GraveI. I own a revival movie house in San Francisco. I try to play themed movies during the holidays. Christm...