“Oh my god! Look at that freak!” Gavin had spotted our neighbor, Leigh, who was out in her backyard with her telescope thingy. Leigh’s sister, Millie, had been in our year at school before the car crash. Drunk driver. She wasn’t in any year after that.

“Go on, Hayd. Ask her if she’s looking for her sister.” Gavin laughed.

At the funeral, Gavin whispered that Millie was in our year as in, the “passed” tense. Spelling the word, he started laughing. I didn’t laugh. It was a funeral, and I didn’t get the joke. Leigh looked at us with tight, squinty red eyes, her forehead lined, tear stains on her cheeks. My sadness made me serious and good thing cause in school it was always me who got caught laughing. It was nerve-wrecking to always be Gavin’s escape goat.

I hesitated at the Walkers’ side gate. You can take it for granite that Gavin will get his way in the end. Leigh was always nice to me, and I wasn’t going to say anything mean.

It was the start of spring, but still cold. Sometimes, I think I’ll leave Canada. Move to another country. Miami, maybe. I don’t think they’d have me. I don’t even know Miami’s national anthem and can’t speak Cuban, so it was just one of those crack pipe dreams.

I crunched on gravel to make some noise, not wanting scare Leigh. I didn’t think I would since it wasn’t so very dark, really, that she’d think I was, like, a zombie or something. Good thing, too, since I’ve never eaten brains. I don’t think they’d agree with my tummy. It was probably good for her, too. She’s real smart. A big brain like hers would be the first thing a zombie’d wanna munch down on.

I’ve always feared zombies and was glad we hadn’t had an outbreak here. Easter was coming up. It’s like my Halloween. Mom told me the story of the first zombie, which is the true meaning of Easter. The zombie came out of that cave, and people put out chocolates for him so he wouldn’t eat their brains or their pet bunnies. Man, Easter is fucked up. I’d already bought my chocolates, and a month early. No way I was going to take the risk. I’m probably zombie-proof anyway since my brain is likely smaller that one of those Cadbury mini eggs.

“Hi Hayden.”

“Hey Leigh. Doing homework for an astrology class?”

She smiled at me. And her eyes were smiling too. They looked like olives that’d been cut in half, creamy green with black dots in the middle that were the pits. I mean that those dots looked like olive pits cut in half, not like: “oh man, those eyes are the pits!” Even in the half-light, Leigh’s eyes were twinkly like stars, which was cool cause Leigh was out looking at them.

“Not a course. Just a hobby.”

I tried not to look at Leigh’s boobs, but Gavin had made it impossible not to, after what he’d said. “Leigh doesn’t need to visit Silicone Valley; she’s already plenty high-tech.” Meaning, I guess—from the way Gavin’s hands cupped and juggled some air boobs—that Leigh already had big ones. She also had pretty, long red hair. Not the curly ketchup kind clowns have.

I couldn’t believe Leigh would freeze her tits off for some hobby. Then she’d need to visit Silicone Valley for sure cause she’d be completely no-tech. And they cost a lot, so she’d have to make do with air boobs for some time. Her arms would probably get tired from all the cupping and the juggling cause how else would anyone know that you even had them?

I didn’t know what to say but I sure wasn’t going to repeat what Gavin wanted me to say. I asked the first thing that popped into my head: “Why do stars and eyes twinkle?”

Leigh’s eyes twinkled even more. Her smile went into her cheeks, and I had to swallow. I guess I was nervous, knowing Gavin was watching.

“Stars twinkle because of the Earth’s atmosphere. If you were in space, they’d never twinkle.” She paused. “I think that eyes also twinkle when the atmosphere is just right.”

I thought about that. “So, if I was in space, would your eyes still twinkle?” Leigh tilted her head and looked at me with another one of those smiles.

“You know, I think they would. If you were close enough to see them...”

She brushed hair away from her forehead, tucking it behind her ear before lowering her eye to the microscope thingy. The telescope was plenty high-tech cause somehow, you’d look down into the microscope part and it let you look out the sky end, even though it was at one of those Wright angles that caused so many problems for those brothers that made the first jumbo jet. Leigh fiddled with some sort of knob, probably to adjust the bass, or something.

My eyes went to the sky to see what she was looking at. No clouds, so you could see stars, but they weren’t super-bright. With the moon, streetlights, and a glow from the city, they looked like someone would need to replace the bulbs soon.

“I’d like to get out to the country, to get away from light pollution.”

I didn’t say anything but thought light pollution in the city was still better than heavy pollution. I wondered if Leigh had asthma, like my aunt. 

It’s usually good when I don’t say things since they don’t come out right. I really liked the way Leigh’s face, from the side, was shaped like a curvy half-moon. Even in my own head, that didn’t sound right. It’s not like her face was pointy and shit. It’s just that she had this cute chin that stood out. The line of her jaw came down all curvy to meet it. I wanted to say it, since we were talking zodiacs and moons and such, but she mighta thought I was saying her complexion looked like green cheese. Or like: “hey, what are all those moon craters on yo’ face?” She didn’t have moon craters. Just a cute chin and a smile that made dimples show up in her cheeks.

Then, I wished I’d never gone down. Gavin was hanging out of my bedroom window yelling “looooser” and “freeeak”. He laughed and I turned redder than a communist.

This is what I wish I’d said though, but it didn’t come to me until the next day: “Oh, Leigh, dahling, I wish that rude boy would stop calling me those terrible names.” Leigh’s pretty smart though, so even using such a posh accent I’d still have needed about ten Grammys to pull the acting off. Gavin was mean to Leigh so many times, it was obvious he wasn’t talking about me. And why would he hang out in my bedroom only to trash-talk me from the window?

Instead, and not with a very posh accent at all, I said: uhhhh...

I guess, right then, I did sound like a zombie. Leigh’s brains were safe though. After Gavin had shouted, my tummy felt terrible. I couldn’t have eaten them even if I did like to crunch on brains.

Leigh’s smile was gone. She has a cute gap between her front teeth and, sometimes, she smiled so big until she realized it was showing and then smiled smaller to cover it back up again. I’d grin like an idiot if I had that gap. If I was frozen, like Elsa and Anna, I’d want to see her gap smile because it would warm me up. I’d be like the peas you’d microwaved instead of ones that had just come out of the freezer.

She gazed into the microscope again because I think the stars were kinder to her than us boys were. I didn’t even get to ask what her sign was. I stumbled back to my house, not concerned with crunching gravel this time. She knew I wasn’t a zombie. Maybe she did think that I was some sort of monster, though.

The next day, I was sad. The anniversary of Millie’s death was approaching so I wanted to go to her grave and talk to her again. That’s how I got my job, working with seniors at one of those retirement preserves. Talking with dead people, that is. I guess they figure it’s the next closest thing to talking with real old ones. After Millie was buried, I would visit her grave every Sunday to fill her in on the things she’d missed. I felt like she was such a good listener. Well, a woman noticed me. It was so sad, but she visited her daughter, Elsie, every Sunday. She noticed that I always talked to Millie. When I encouraged her, she tried it too, since she had some things to tell her daughter. It was like one of those real sour candies where it was partly sweet but also made your eyes sting.

This Mrs. Paulson worked with the real old people I told you about. She owned the preserve and asked if I wanted to work with the seniors which—it turned out—was a nicer way of saying “real old people”. I’ve never heard of anyone who did their job interview in a graveyard, but I still work there today. Well, not today, since I have the day off, but unless I suddenly get one of those twenty-four-hour ebolas, I’ll work there again tomorrow.

I felt bad about Leigh and what had happened with Gavin. I wanted to apologize. But I was chicken. It was like: why didn’t the chicken cross the yard to apologize to Leigh? Cause Hayden was the chicken, and he was too chicken. But I didn’t giggle for long. I felt like one of those old-timey people, like Juliet when things weren’t working out so well with Leonardo DiCaprio: All like, alas!

Yeah, I think you can probably tell I’m into those real old classic movies. One of the ladies at the preserve said she liked classic movies too: the black and white ones where everyone sang. It was sad that her eyes were so old they couldn’t see color anymore. Well, I always like to find common ground. I really liked Johnny Depp in Sweeney Todd, where everyone sang; there was a lot of black and white, too, and a lot of red, come to think of it.

Sometimes you’re just too sad to use your phone so I opened my laptop. I didn’t want to look at Facebook since I didn’t feel like anyone would want to friend me. And those friends I did have were the ones who’d caused so much alas! in the first place.

I decided that I would look up information about the moon to have something smart to ask Leigh if she ever let me talk zodiacs with her again. Everyone knows Louie Armstrong was the first man on the moon. Well, it turns out, they’re wrong. It was a guy called Neil Armstrong—maybe a cousin of Louie’s. Louie must have gone up after. And it wasn’t Buzz Lightyear either, which just goes to show you can never trust cartoons. It was this other dude, Buzz Aldrin. The moon isn’t made of green cheese, but it’s not dirt either. It’s this stuff called “regolith”. There’s no atmosphere on the moon which is why everyone wears fishbowls on their heads. With no atmosphere, the stars would never twinkle from there. And since humans needed fishbowls, it made me wonder if fish didn’t need anything at all, to live on the moon. The web didn’t say one way or the other.

I also learned something that made me feel even worse than before. They have two different things, astrology and astronomy. You’d think that’d mean I had a fifty per cent chance of getting it right but, with my luck, I really had a fifty per cent chance of getting it wrong. And I’d said the wrong one to Leigh. And worse still, they didn’t think those horoscopes were accurate. I can’t say one way or the other cause they often do come true. Like the time it said you’ll meet an old acquaintance and then I ran into Mrs. Walters, who’s real old. How’d they know, if it wasn’t true? But then there was the time they said I’d go on a voyage of discovery, but I soon discovered that it just wasn’t true at all. If everyone could admit that these impossible questions are just beyond our understanding, we’d all be happier.

I was too chicken to apologize but maybe Leigh would feel better if I could just look at her pictures and sort of think it at her. Yeah, that’s still pretty chicken, but I believe in being proactive. It was a lot like praying. Sometimes, you felt like there was nothing you could do, and you didn’t know what to say, so you said “you’re in my prayers” which was a nicer way to say that you weren’t going to do anything at all and that you didn’t have anything better to say.

Seeing a picture of Leigh and Millie together made my heart hurt. Millie and I had been besties, until high school. Always hanging out. When I was real young, and because it was just mom and me, Leigh would come to keep an eye on me and Millie after school. We got along like a house on fire which is why Leigh watched us. We’d have probably burned down the house on our own. Leigh was three years older than us.

I wished I was working that day. Those golden oldies—with their heart pills and pacemakers—were often the ones who could comfort my heart.

I was a coward, so opened my anonymous account to message Leigh.

So_Random: Hi. I liked your posts about the moon.

Moon_Maiden: Hi to you. Whaddya think?

So_Random: I learned a lot. I have this friend and she didn’t know the difference between astronomy and astrology. Pretty dumb, huh?

Moon_Maiden: Well, I wouldn’t say that. The words are close. And they’re both related to stars. I hope that you weren’t too hard on him.

So_Random: Oh no. This friend was a girl.

Moon_Maiden: Hayden, I don’t want to embarrass you, but I know it’s you. And I’m very happy you messaged me. First, I’m impressed that you discovered your mistake. That’s not easy to do. Don’t ever feel bad about making one. And I didn’t pay very much attention to that anyway because everything else you said was perfect. Absolutely perfect…

So_Random: How’d you know it was me?

Moon_Maiden: Hold on a second. Let me look for something. Here it is, a message you sent Millie from this account a few years ago. She and I both kept a copy:

hi Millie...It’s me...Hayden from next door...I’m sending this anonymous message to say you were great at the talent show...I felt bad when the guys acted mean cause you sing super-great...they were jealous cause if they tried singing, it would scare cats and dogs…probably even some birds...I was sure jealous because your voice is beautiful...I hope you’ll be a big star...as bright as the sun...and before you make fun of me, I know the sun’s not a star, but you know what I mean.

Also, you were prettier than a picture...not just any picture though...one of, like, someone real pretty.

Hayden xoxo.

So_Random: Oh. That was anonymous. You weren’t supposed to read it.

Moon Maiden: Sorry, what do you mean by “anonymous”?

So_Random: That it was just between me and her.

Moon_Maiden: Oh, maybe “private” then. Anyway, want to come over and continue this face-to-face?

So_Random: Sure. BRT. (That mean’s I’ll be right there. It’s just shorter to use and it saves me having to type so much cause my fingers can be as clumsy as someone who says they’re all thumbs, which wouldn’t be so bad if I was texting but I’m on the laptop).

As soon as Leigh opened the door, I hung my head, embarrassed. I hadn’t even messaged my apology. You’re not supposed to say important stuff face-to-face, like asking someone to marry you. You text, because they want a record of it. That way, they can look back on it.

“I’m sorry about what Gavin said. I’m not friends with him anymore. I feel bad, too, that you saw the message I sent to Millie.”

I was making a mess of things. Why’d I tell her I felt bad for something she’d done? I hate pressure. I paid attention in school one time cause the teacher was talking about diamonds. I had some small interest in them, which means, for some reason, that I was very interested. Everyone knows they’re the way to a girl’s heart. Mr. Abrahms said diamonds are formed when this stuff, “carbon”, is put under enormous pressure. This “carbon” stuff must be very rare indeed cause diamonds are so hard to come by. You’d see them on ladies’ fingers and on the necks of movie stars. Well, also in stores, but those were too expensive for anyone to buy, except maybe Gavin, who’s rich. There were even less diamonds now, when you thought about it, cause some of them went down with that boat Leonardo DiCaprio was on as a young man. Whenever I was around Gavin, he’d put so much pressure on me to do things I didn’t want to do. If I had even the smallest bit of carbon in me, I’d have probably turned into a diamond myself.

“Thank you, Hayden. And I didn’t show you the message to make you feel bad. I did it because it was so sweet. It came at the perfect time. Millie was feeling down, after the talent show. You have such a great heart, Hayden. You know, what you said about eyes twinkling the other night. That made me feel good, to hear you say that.”

We looked at each other. It made me feel funny, the way she kept saying my name. 

I liked saying her name too: “Will you go with me, Leigh, to visit Millie, on the anniversary?”

Leigh’s face scrunched up. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight, sobbing. “I miss her so much!”

When I was younger, I had trouble saying the word “Kleenex”. It came out “Clingex” and I got teased. So, I learned a new word: “tissue”. But now I was like a real Clingex, the way Leigh was hugging me. Her tears and nose made my shoulder wet. My heart hurt so bad for her. If I could take her pain for myself, I would have, even though I’d have a double-hurt-heart. Well, it wasn’t long before I was crying. Leigh turned into my Clingex.

After we’d held each other for a long time, we both felt a bit better. Leigh pulled away, blew her nose, and then looked into my eyes.

“Hayden.” She was smiling now. “Millie was hurt so badly that night and your message made us both smile and maybe even laugh a bit too. I’ll never forget that. I’ve reread it so many times.”

Her smile was big. My heart forgot to beat when I saw her tooth gap. She saw me looking at her mouth and put her hand over it.

“Leigh, don’t. I like lots of things about you, but that gap is my favorite. When you use your big smile, it makes me feel warm, and when you make it smaller, hiding it, that makes me sad.” I puffed out a breath. “God, I wish I could say things better, like you can. I’m sorry, because I know you’re self-conscious about it. Now I’ve made it worse.”

Leigh’s biggest smile was back. Her eyes were wide, like she’d had a birthday surprise, or something. Leigh started to say something. She stopped. She gave her head a little shake. I’d never seen her at a loss for words. We leaned in at the same time, our mouths pressing together. I never even thought to give her my consent, and I know how important that is for women. I was feeling less cowardly all the time, so told her: “I consent.”

She grinned and told me that she did too.

I never understood the difference between fucking and making love. Now I did. Leigh called it “kinetic poetry”. I didn’t know what that meant, but the blowjob she gave me was so fucking hot, I dropped a huge load right down her throat. Very kinetically so.

But before that, when Leigh lifted off her shirt, she was even more high-tech than I’d imagined. But alas! her bra was high-tech too. I didn’t want her to know I couldn’t figure it out, so I kissed her instead, my lips moving against hers, distracting her. I knew she’d probably think I wasn’t interested in her boobs, when really, I had some small interest in them. Why wasn’t I good at this anymore? After my first time, the girl’s high praise had stuck with me: “You gave me just what every woman wants by skipping the foreplay altogether.” But since I didn’t know how the bra worked, I wasn’t able to give her what every woman wants. Well, I suppose I still could, but what if she had high-tech panties too? To avoid the problem spots, I ran my fingers through her hair, taking my time, pulling her closer. My mouth couldn’t get enough. I touched the sides of her neck, her long hair brushing the backs of my hands. She broke the kiss, and her head moved back. She was breathing hard, probably from frustration at how slow I was going. With her mouth out of reach, I started to kiss her soft neck. I brushed hair off her shoulders, and trailed kisses along the skin. To buy time, I also kissed her collarbones, and even nipped at them as I ran my fingers along her arms. I touched her sides, lightly, before placing one hand on her hip. When I started to brush her tummy with the back of my other hand, I took too long doing it, and she started to shake with her anger at how slowly I was going. She was so mad she cried out “Jesus! Fuck, Hayden!” 

I started to touch her tits with the bra still on, tracing the part where her tits came together. I felt the weight of them in my hands. Her nipples stood out, so I touched those too. She moaned when I lightly pinched them, but not like a zombie. And later, from between Leigh’s thighs, when my tongue had made her come, her mouth opened, showing her gap. I didn’t know if was kinetic, but it sure was poetry. Poems have gaps too. They’re beautiful, I’ve heard, even though nobody understands why. And when you read a poem—since no one ever does—you know you’re the only one in the world doing so. And good thing since I wanted to be the only one to ever read Leigh’s mouth poem.

A week later, we ran into Mrs. Paulson at the graveyard. We’d brought some spring flowers to put on Millie’s grave.

“Hayden. I used to see you here at Millie’s grave every week. It’s nice to see you back. And who’s this?”

Leigh looked up at me, that look of surprise back on her face. I guess I never told her I came here. A lot.

“This is my girlfriend, Leigh.”

I didn’t blush, even though I risked losing my job now that my boss knew I was into older women.

After we’d paid our respects, and both spoke to Millie, Leigh hugged me for a long time. We were planning a trip to the countryside, to enjoy the spring weather. Leigh wanted to look at the stars, and I was just wanted to look at her. It would be perfect.