Jill's been confused all week about how she feels about her trip to Chicago today. She's happy about Allie being accepted into the transition program, and at the same time, she's let down and disappointed she was not. Maggie won't approve her until she undergoes another session focusing on the burn scar on her arm.

She didn't have to think about it much when Carla and Rosy spent the weekend with them. She was able to put it in the back of her mind on her date with Norm Tuesday night. But at work on Wednesday, she really started thinking about it and she can't get it out of her mind. She's been having bad dreams all week, fighting off the demons in her mind.

She just can't get the thoughts out of her mind...

Why is this such a big deal? The accident happened when I was a baby. I've learned to live with it. It doesn't bother me anymore. Why am I being rejected for something that's not even my fault? I can't do anything about it. It's not ever going away. Why do I have to go dressed as Jerry? I'm not Jerry anymore.  Why? Why? Why?

She's filled with an uneasy apprehension as Allie drives her to the airport. Allie's done her best to comfort her, but her apprehension is deeply embedded. The only good thing about having to wear Jerry's clothes is they can hold hands in the airport as they walk to her gate.

When the moment comes to board the plane, she hugs Allie and says with a tear in her eye, "Well, wish me luck. Next time you see me, I'll know if I'm gonna get to be in the program with you."

I already told you, babe, if they don't accept you, I'm not going to do it. They'll have to accept both of us or neither of us."

They embrace in one last, long kiss before Jill boards the plane. As soon as she's in the air, she goes into a meditative state to calm her mind. She stays in her meditation during the ninety-minute flight.

Maggie's at the gate to welcome her when she arrives in Chicago. "Hi Jerry," she says with a hug, "how was your flight?"

"It was short but sweet. I meditated the whole time to calm myself down."

"Nervous?"

"Yeah... I don't know why I'm having to do this and I don't like having to be Jerry, either."

"I know, dear, it can be scary." Maggie says, "Try to relax the best you can. Everything we're going to be doing is for your own well-being. I really want to accept you into the program. We just have this one last hurdle to overcome. We wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't critical to your success."

Driving away from the airport complex, Maggie tries to calm Jill's mind by complimenting her on how far she and Allie have come on their own.

"Most of the girls we work with aren't this far along when we get them," she says. "When Walt first told me about you and Allie, I knew you two were special. Mentally, you're both already there. The hardest part of transitioning is your mentality.

"If you're not mentally a female, no amount of hormone therapy will get you there. And if you're not mentally a female, we shouldn't be giving you hormone treatments in the first place. That's why our screening process is so demanding. We have to be absolutely sure. That's why you're here with me today."

"But if I'm already there mentally," Jill asks, "then I don't understand why I have to even do this today. I've had my scar all my life. It's never going away. I had to accept that a long time ago."

"What you don't understand today," Maggie assures her, "you'll understand tomorrow. You're in good hands, you'll just have to trust me. Do you trust me, Jerry?"

"Yes, I trust you."

"Good. Let's get something to eat before we begin your discovery session. Do you like Chinese food?"

"I haven't eaten much Chinese, just what I've made at home. But I like what I've made."

"Well, I know a nice little Chinese place on the way home. I think you'll like it."

"Home?" Jill asks. "I thought we were going to your office."

"No, we're not going to the office. For sessions like this, I get better results doing it in my home. I sent my husband away for the weekend. It'll be just you and me."

The Chinese restaurant has a nice, quiet atmosphere and the soft Mandarin music helps to calm Jill. Maggie orders six different dishes and Jill wonders why she's ordering so much food. While they're drinking their tea and waiting for their food, Maggie takes a vile of pills from her purse and gives one to Jill.

"I want you to take this pill, honey. It'll help to relax you."

"What is it?"

"Don't worry about what it is, darling. You said you trusted me. I'm not going to ask you to do anything that isn't in your best interest."

Without knowing what it is, Jill takes the pill as Maggie instructed. She doesn't realize it, but her session has already begun. As they eat, Maggie asks her what she knows about her accident, like how it happened and if she knows how long she was hospitalized. She asks her how she feels when someone asks her about her scar, and how she feels when she knows someone's looking at it.

She tells Maggie what little her mom told her about it. She knows she had a cold when it happened and a hot-water vaporizer tipped over on her. She knows she was in the hospital for six months, but her mom never wanted to tell her much whenever she tried asking about it.

By the time they get to Maggie's home, Jill's very relaxed and focused on her scar. Maggie's gotten her to focus on it without her even realizing it. They brought leftovers from the restaurant, and after Maggie puts them in the fridge, she gives Jill a tour of her home.

Jill's impressed with her Jacuzzi inside a glass-enclosed patio. Her backyard yard is landscaped like an enchanted garden, and beautiful large potted plants adorn her lovely patio. After Maggie's shown Jill the rest of her home, she takes her into a bedroom.

She has Jill take another pill, and they sit together on a small couch in the bedroom. After Maggie talks a few minutes to let the second pill take effect, she turns on a music metronome and sets it on on a slow,  tick... tock... tick... tock.

"Are you feeling relaxed, Jerry?"

"Yes, I'm very relaxed. It feels good being with you."

"Good..." Maggie says. "I know you trust me, Jerry. You DO trust me... don't you, Jerry?"

"Yes, I trust you."

"Good. I want you to close your eyes for me now.. I don't want you to open them until I tell you. Can you tell me your name?"

"My name is Jerry."

"Very good, Jerry. Before I take you into trance, I need you to be nude for this next part. Do you trust me enough to take your clothes off for me... Jerry?"

"Yes, Maggie. I trust you."

Jill's already in a pretty deep trance when she stands up and takes off her clothes. "Good, Jerry... now, I'm going to lead you to the bed, and I'd like you to lie on your back for me."

Maggie's already pulled the blankets and sheets to the foot of the bed. She takes Jill's hand, leading her to the edge of the bed, and Jill lies on her back, as she was instructed.

"Very, very good Jerry."

She gets a large ball from a closet, and places it on Jill's chest. "Do you feel the ball on your chest, Jerry?"

"Yes, I feel it."

"Put your arms around it. Hold it there and breath very deep breaths for me, Jerry."

The effects of the second pill take Jill into a deeper trance as she takes deep breaths and hears the constant tick... tock... tick... tock... of the metronome.
Maggie turns off the lights, and Jill can sense the darkness as she slips deeper and deeper into trance.

"What you're holding on your chest Jerry, is your scar. Your scar is weighing on your chest, Jerry. How heavy is your scar, Jerry?"

"It's not heavy. I don't feel much weight at all."

"It's 1974 right now. You're twenty-four years old. You've learned to carry your scar in such a way that you hardly even notice it, haven't you, Jerry."

"Yes, I don't feel it."

"When was the last time you thought about it, Jerry? When's the last time you talked about your scar?"

"When Rosy asked me about it."

"How did that feel?"

"I was sad to talk about it, but Rosy made me feel better. We're very close. She understands me."

"Does everyone understand?"

"No. Sometimes it makes me sad."

"When did someone make you sad about it?"

"When Norm asked me about it. He didn't mean to make me sad, but I cried about it when I was alone."

Jill feels the ball suddenly get heavier.

"Very good, Jerry. Now, we're going to go backward. We're going back in time. It's 1969, where are you?"

"I'm in my apartment at college, with my roommates."

"What's going on?"

"They're making fun of me."

"Why are they making fun of you?"
Jill pauses, she feels the ball getting heavier, she hears the constant tick... tock... tick... tock.

"Because I don't have a girlfriend. Because girls don't like me. Because I've never had sex. Because I'm skinny. Because I have a scar on my arm. I feel so ugly."

"What are you doing about it?"

"Nothing. I want to cry, but I know how to hold it back. I'm going in the Army next week, I'm getting out of there."

"Good Jerry. Take some more deep breaths for me. I'm going to give you a little shot in your arm. It'll help you relax more. Keep taking deep breaths. Keep holding your scar on your chest."

Jill feels a sting as Maggie injects a dose of sodium amytal into her arm. Jill's been going deeper into trance for thirty minutes and she goes much deeper as the sodium amytal gets into her bloodstream.

"Are you more relaxed now, Jerry?"

"Yes, Maggie. Thank you. The shot feels good."

"Very good, Jerry. Now, we're going farther back in time. We're going back to 1964. Where are you now?"

"I'm in my room. I'm scared. I'm starting high school tomorrow."

"Why are you scared?"

"Because it's a big school. No one likes me. I don't have nice clothes like the other kids."

"Let's take a look in your closet, Jerry. Look at your shirts. Are they long sleeve, or short sleeve?"

"They're all long sleeves. I hate short sleeves."

"Why do you hate short sleeves, Jerry?"

Jill doesn't want to answer. But with the sodium amytal going into her brain, and the constant tick... tock... tick... tock... she has no choice but to answer.

"I hate short sleeves because people will see my scar. I want to hide it. I hate it!"

"Is that why girls don't like you, Jerry?"

"Yes, but I don't like them either."

"Why is that, Jerry?"

"They always make fun of me, that's why. I'm afraid of them. But I want to be like them."

"How do they make fun of you? Tell me a time when they made fun of you."

Jill has tears when she tells Maggie, "When we went on band trips, some girls would say, 'Hey, Jerry'... and when I turned to say something, they all started laughing at me."

"Do you know why?"

"One of my friends told me it's because I always pulled my arms into myself and cured up when I tried to talk to them. That's why they laughed."
"How heavy is the ball on your chest now, Jerry? How heavy is your scar?"

"It feels heavy. I want to put it down."

"Yes, you want to put it down, but you can't, it's your scar. You want it to go away, but it won't go away, will it?"

Jill starts to cry before she can say, "No, it's never going away."

"No, it's not." Maggie says."Let's go back a little further. It's 1960, where are you?"

"I'm at school, I'm in fifth grade. I'm playing with some girls. We're cutting out paper dolls. I'm having fun, but some boys start making fun of me again."

"Why are they making fun of you?"

"Because I'm playing paper dolls with some girls. They're calling me a sissy. I don't like it, but I like playing with girls more than I like playing with boys. I'm not like the other boys, and they hit me sometimes, too."

Jill's crying heavily now, and the ball she's holding feels like it weighs a thousand pounds.

"Keep remembering how that feels, Jerry. Keep breathing for me. Experience that feeling."

Jill cries out loud in agony as she re-lives those terrible moments... memories she's pushed so deep into her subconscious, all those years ago.

"We're going back a little farther now, Jerry. It's1954. You're four years old. Do you remember where you are?"

"It's Christmas, and we're at Uncle Jim's farm with all my aunts and uncles and all my cousins. We just opened presents. My dad is yelling at me because I want to play with the girls' toys. I don't want to play with mine."

"Did anyone make fun of you that day?"

"My cousin did. She said I had poop on my arm. But it was my scar. I started to cry, cuz she made fun of my scar."

"Feel it, Jerry. It's happening right this every second. She's making fun of you right now."

Jill cries louder and harder. She can hardly hold the ball anymore, it's a ten-ton weight on her chest. She's crying like a little kid because, in her mind, that's what she is right now, a four-year-old kid.

"OK, Jerry, you've done very, very good. Stay with me now. No matter what happens... stay with me. Now we're going back to the beginning. It's 1950, you're four months old. Can you remember anything?"

As she searches her mind, the ball becomes weightless. She stops crying and just lies there cooing like an infant. "I'm trying to move my arms," Jill recalls, "I'm in my crib, I'm trying to make sounds."

"Can you remember the sounds you hear?"

"My mom's tickling me and trying to make me laugh, but I don't know-how. Sometimes I hear bad sounds, my mom and dad are fighting."

"Good Jerry. Now we're going forward a month, you're in your crib, you're not feeling very well because you have a cold, remember?"

"Yes."

"What happened then?"

Terror comes into Jill's body. She remembers the moment the vaporizer fell on her, covering her arm with boiling water. She starts screaming and throws the ball off her chest. Her body shakes and rolls all over the bed as she shrinks herself into a ball as tight as she can.

"What's going on, Jerry? Tell me what just happened."

"No! No! Nooooooo!" Jill shrieks.
"Yes you can, Jerry. You know what happened. Tell me what happened."

"I c...c...can't!"

"Yes you can. You trust me, Jerry. You trust me... So tell me what just happened."

Through the tears and the screams, Jill yells out, "I'm burning! Hot water is all over my arm. Aaaaaaagh! It hurts! It hurts so bad! Help me! Help me, Mommy! I'm burning up! I just got born, now I'm gonna die!"

While Maggie's been leading Jill deeper into the forbidden places of her subconscious, she's taken her clothes off, except for her panties. As Jill cries and screams, she turns off the tick... tock... of the metronome and gets up on the bed with Jill, taking her trembling body into her arms.

"There, there, Jill, mommy's here. Let mommy hold you." Maggie comforts.

She cries along with Jill as if she was her mother, "I'm soooo sorry," she cries. "I wasn't watching you. It's all my fault! What have I done?"

They lay in bed crying together for what seems an eternity to Jill. She's re-living the most terrible moment of her life, and she's only a five-month-old baby. She turns over, pulling herself closer to the security of Maggie's body, who Jill sees as her mother in the deep trance she's in.

She cries as Maggie puts the nipple of one of her oversized breasts up to her lips. Jill instantly grabs on to suckle her. Her body still shakes and trembles as she holds on to the only security she can find, her mama's tit.

Jill stops sucking when another burst of pain hits her and she screams and cries before taking the nipple back in her mouth. Maggie soothes her as she buries her face between her tits. After another hour, Jill's crying begins to subside and in a very soft, loving tone of voice, Maggie slowly says these words to her, over and over and over again:

I'm sorry... Please forgive me... I love you... Thank you...
I'm sorry... Please forgive me... I love you... Thank you...
I'm sorry... Please forgive me... I love you... Thank you...

With Jill sucking on her nipple, Maggie keeps repeating the words, hundreds of times. Sometime, a couple of hours later, Jill drifts off to sleep with Maggie's nipple still in her mouth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the wee hours of the next morning, Jill opens her eyes to see Maggie smiling at her. She smiles back at her and Maggie says, "Good morning, Jill. How do you feel this morning?"

"I feel light. Like a giant weight's been taken off my chest."

"Yes, A giant has been lifted from you," Maggie says. "Do you remember what we did last night?"

"Not too much. I remember crying a lot."

"I took you to a very dark place last night. I'm sorry I had to take you there, but you needed to go there. You had an evil demon down there that's been torturing you all your life. That demon can never hurt you again."

"I kinda remember it. It feels like it's gone. I had no idea how much it was controlling me."

"It's gone now," Maggie assures, "I can see it in your face. You're a free soul now."

"Mmmm... Thank you, Maggie."

After cuddling Jill for a few more minutes, Maggie asks, "Are you hungry?"

"I'm famished."

"Let's go to the kitchen and I'll warm up some Chinese. I'll take you out to breakfast later, but we still have work to do."

While she heats up the leftover Chinese food from last night, Maggie tells Jill how her accident has affected her entire life. After she was burned, she spent the next six months in the hospital, clinging to life as the doctors battled to save her.

Her time in the hospital deprived her of the time babies normally bond with their mothers. Instead of cooing in her mother's arms, Jill battled to stay alive and saw only the concerned faces of doctors and nurses caring for her.

That's why she's always been a loner, that's why no one liked her, because she was always hiding, even when she was with other people. She was always afraid, and when other people saw that in her, they avoided her because of it.

As she eats warmed-up chow mien, Jill listens intently as Maggie tells her why she's always felt like she has.

"I had no idea."

"Since it happened when you were so young," Maggie tells her, "It was difficult to get to the bottom of it. That's why I gave you medication last night."

"What kind of drugs were they?"

"The names of the drugs aren't important. Most people call it truth serum. They make your subconscious weak so we can get inside. We don't like using medications like that, but when we're dealing with childhood traumas like yours, sometimes we have to. Sometimes we can't get to the truth any other way. Your trauma was the earliest I've ever had to treat. I wanted to get it in one session. You did amazing. You're a courageous girl."

"So what do I do now?"

"We're going to get in the Jacuzzi and see where you want to go from here."
Jill's still naked, and Maggie takes her panties off when they get out to the patio. It's still very early and the morning light is just beginning to show itself.

As they step into the warm water of the Jacuzzi, Maggie leaves the jets off so she can talk with Jill.

"Last night we killed your demon," she tells her. "Now we're going to give you a rebirth so you'll know where you are."

Once again she has Jill take deep breaths as she talks, leading her into another deep trance, but not nearly as deep as last night.

"I want you to take a deep breath, Jill. I want you to hold yourself under the water as long as you can. I want you to imagine you're not born yet. You're in your mother's womb and you've just started developing into a person."

Jill immerses herself and stays underwater for thirty seconds. When she comes up for air, Maggie asks her, "Are you a boy or are you a girl?"

"I'm a girl," Jill says.

"Do it again. It's been three months since you were conceived."

Once again Jill goes under. Thirty seconds later she comes up for air.

"Boy or girl?"

"Girl."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, very happy."

"Do it again. You're six months into your gestation."

Jill goes under again and comes up with concern on her face.

"Boy or girl?"

"Girl."

"Are you happy?"

Jill pauses before she says, "No. There's a dick growing on me."

"Do it again, and this time, when you come up, you'll be born."

Jill stays under longer this time. She holds her breath as long as she possibly can, and when she comes up the last time Maggie asks, "Boy or girl?"

"I'm a girl. But I have a dick. Something went wrong."

"Yes, something did go wrong." Maggie says, "Your soul is female, but your body developed as male. This is gender dysphoria. I see you as female, Jill."

The sun's morning rays begin to shine in Jill's eyes when Maggie tells her,
"The reason I had you come back for this session is because I wasn't completely sure why you wanted to be female. I needed to know if you're just acting like a girl as a way to hide from your scar, or if you really are a girl in your soul.

"Now I'm quite certain, you're a girl in your soul. I'm going to recommend you for admission into the program along with Allie. It's time you have a female body to match your female soul."

Jill starts crying happy tears and throws her arms around Maggie.

"Oh thank you...! THANK you!"

"You're so welcome, honey. Now, we still have a little more work left to do."

"What's left to do?"

"We have to decide what we're going to do with your scar."

"It's permanent, Maggie. We can't do anything about it. It's ugly and I hate it, but it's never going away."

"You're only half right, Jill. You're right that it's permanent, and you're right that it's ugly, especially on a girl. But it doesn't have to stay ugly. We can make it beautiful, just like you."

"How? I don't understand."

"We can't make it go away," Maggie says, "but... we can cover it up... with a tattoo. A beautiful tattoo that will make you proud to show off your arm."

"I never even considered that."

"Well, now that you've defeated your ugly demon, you have new options available to you. I know a lady who's very good at tattooing over burn scars. She did a beautiful job on the scar of a burn patient I treated once. Would you like to meet her today?"

"Today? Yes, of course I'd like to."

"I called her a few days ago and told her I might be bringing someone to see her. She has something in common with you. She's going to be home today. After we take a shower and have a real breakfast, I'll take you to see her."

While Jill's in the shower, Maggie calls her tattoo artist, Rita, to let her know they're coming. While Maggie's in the shower, Jill sits quietly in a comfortable chair, meditating and giving thanks to whatever divine presence there is that she was shown the way to be where she is right now.

Maggie comes out dressed and says, "Well dear... Are we ready?"

"Yes ma'am. I'm more than ready!"

"We should have plenty of time to eat and visit with Rita before I have to get you to the airport."

After a delightful breakfast where Maggie and Jill form a strong bond between them, she takes her to see Rita. When she opens her door to greet them, Jill sees a beautiful, short Hispanic girl with long black hair and a warm smile on her face.

"Hello, Miss Maggie," she says, "It's a beautiful day, no?"

"Very beautiful, Rita. In more ways than one. I'd like you to meet Jill. She's the girl I was telling you about."

As she gives her a hug, Jill says, "I'm afraid I don't look much like a girl right now."

"Nonsense," Rita tells her, "Miss Maggie told me all about you. Did she tell you I, too, was once a boy?"

Maggie breaks in, "I didn't want to tell you before you met her. Rita's one of the first girls to go through our program. She came to us nine years ago. I wanted you to see her before you knew she was born a boy. Isn't she beautiful?"

"Very beautiful," Jill says, "I hope my body turns out as beautiful as yours "

"It will Jill. You just have to be patient and do what the doctors tell you. I can see your beauty already... Shall we go back to my studio?"

Rita leads them through her small house to a bedroom that's been converted into a tattoo studio. She shows Jill photos of before and after shots of burn victims she's worked with. Her work is truly excellent and Jill gets excited looking at the work she's done.

Rita hands her a stack of designs to look through while she takes off her shirt to let Rita examine her scar. Rita takes several pictures of her scar, then takes measurements up and down and around her arm. Lastly, she tapes tissue paper on her arm and goes over it with a graphite stick to get impressions of all the ridges and valleys of her scar.

After she's done measuring, Rita tells her, "Once this tattoo is on, Jill, there is no way it can ever come off. If you choose a feminine-style design, your arm is going to look feminine for the rest of your life. Make absolutely certain that once you've decided you're going to transition to female, you never, ever, want to return to being a boy."

"I've already decided that," Jill says, "a long time ago."

"Ok then. Did you like any of these design patterns? These are only samples. Once we decide the style of design, I'll draw one uniquely to fit you. It'll be original and no one else will have one like yours.

"I also have to tell you, Jill, getting a tattoo is no fun. It's a very painful process, especially one this large with so much scar tissue. You'll have to see me three or four times, we can't do it all at once. Your arm's gonna hurt and it'll be sore for maybe six months or more. I can't say for sure."

Jill's not thrilled to hear that, but she'd rather go through six months of pain than live the rest of her life with that ugly scar.

"OK, let's get to it," Jill says.

Jill chooses an elegant ivy-vine pattern to go up her arm with big leaves and subtle shades of color in the background. She saw an illustration she falls in love with of a little pixie girl riding a white unicorn, holding a bow and arrow cocked back, ready to shoot.

"I love this little pixie girl," she says, "she looks like she's ready to conquer the world. That's how I feel right now. Can you put it in without making it stand out too much?"

"I can do that... I'll work on the drawings and send you copies before we do anything. Be very picky with it. Remember, it's going to be part of you the rest of your life."

With that, Maggie thanks Rita for her time and tells her she has to get Jill to the airport. When they get in the car, Jill tells Maggie, "I'm glad I have plenty of money. This tattoo isn't going to be cheap."

"Well, it's not going to cost you anything. I talked with Walt earlier this week and told him we might be looking at tattoos. He said several of the guys in the Club were going to go in together and cover whatever it happens to cost. They love you, Jill. They love you very much."

"Oh my God," Jill cries. "I can't believe how nice everyone has been to me. I'm the luckiest girl in the world."

"No, Jill, you're not lucky at all. You're smart enough to see your opportunities and take advantage of them. It's amazing you've done as well as you have with all you've gone through.

"You know, some of our girls have gone through pure hell before they came to us. A couple of them even tried to end their own lives, because of the girl inside that couldn't get out. They couldn't handle it, and they didn't know why. You've gone through the same thing, except you've had to carry the extra burden of an ugly scar along with you. 

"Look at where you're at right now. Mentally, you and Allie have already transitioned. We've never seen that before in any of the girls we've had. You and Allie have given yourselves a head start, and you've done it all on your own.

"Give yourself a pat on the back, sweetheart. There's absolutely no limit to what you can do from here. You're one of our girls now. You're going to find out we're a very close-knit family. It's going to be exciting as your body transitions into the beautiful girl you were always meant to be.

"I'll talk with the staff Monday to work out your treatments. We've already got you on blockers. If everything goes well with your tests, maybe we can give you your first estrogen treatment next time we see you in a few weeks."

When Maggie drops her off at the airport, Jill gives her a kiss goodbye and thanks her for giving her a new life. She walks through the airport terminal tall and proud, smiling at everyone she passes.

When she arrives back in Des Moines, Allie's at the gate to welcome her. Allie's wearing a casual dress and looking every bit like the girl she is. Jill runs to throw her arms around her.

"Oh, Allie...! I'm in the program. I'm in! I'm in!"

"I knew you would be baby! I always knew it!"

They have their arms around each other as they walk thru the airport and to their car. On the way home, Jill is talking a mile a minute, telling Allie everything she went through the last twenty-four hours. Twenty-four hours that have changed her life forever.

Back home, it takes two joints to even start calming her down. "I can't believe it's really gonna happen, Allie! We're gonna be real girls! We're gonna have real tits! I'm gonna cover up this fuckin' ugly scar with a beautiful tattoo! I'm gonna quit my job Monday! Allie...! You can quit your job too! All this work we've done is paying off! We're fucking ready to go! We're having our baby, Allie!... cuz we stayed pregnant with our idea... together!