The ringing alarm clock hits Jerry's head like a freight train. He rolls over and hits the off button. The only thing he wants to do is go back to sleep. His better judgment tells him it's a workday. Sleeping in is not an option. He drags his naked body into the kitchen to turn on the coffee pot. Stumbling back to the living room, he sits down in his chair and closes his eyes, trying to catch a few more zzz's before the coffee is done.

Sitting in the chair, still half asleep, he notices a strange taste in his mouth.

He remembers the cum he swallowed last night. Noises from the kitchen tell him the coffee is done. He gets up to pour his first shot of caffeine. Walking back to his chair, his mind replays fresh memories of his first-ever sexual experience. He smiles, remembering how nice it felt to him last night.

As the caffeine starts waking up his brain, other thoughts enter his mind. They are not good thoughts. He went to bed with a man last night. He sucked a man's cock, swallowed his cum. He thinks about the shame he will feel if anyone ever finds out. He will be labeled a "queer" for the rest of his life. He will never live it down.

Drinking his second cup of coffee, he lingers in deep thought. He reminds himself how good last night's adventure felt at the time. He wants to smile and feel good. His attempts to ignore the conflicts deep inside are unsuccessful. There are demons deep inside him. The demons inside are calling him queer, homo and sissy.

A glance at the clock tells him it is past time to get ready for work. Time has slipped away. No time to even eat breakfast now. A trip into the bathroom to take a quick bath, brush his teeth to remove the cum taste, and he runs out the door.

Jerry makes it to work with only minutes to spare. He is glad no one is at the time clock when he punches in. He doesn't feel like talking to anyone. He keeps to himself all day, barely able to concentrate on his work. He can't take his mind off last night. By the end of the day he has not accomplished much. He hopes his boss doesn't notice. He tells himself he'll do better tomorrow.

Back in his apartment, he is a nervous wreck. Gone are the erotic thoughts from last night. His demons have been eating at him all day. It's isn't just the fear of being labeled a queer by society, his religious background also affects his thinking. Although he has never been a very religious person, from a young age the church always taught him homosexuality was sinful behaviour, punishable by an eternity in hell. He grew up believing it. It's a very strong belief.

He remembers all the hellish times from his youth. Getting bullied by the other boys. Constantly being made fun of for being the skinniest kid in the class. And, of course, the scar on his arm, always a subject of ridicule. And now, the thought of being labeled a queer, is just one more weight on his shoulders. A weight he chose to put there by his own actions.

Thinking about it for several hours, he makes up his mind. He doesn't want to have sex with Roger again. The bad thoughts simply outweigh the good thoughts. He had let his guard down last night.

He tells himself, "It won't happen again." He knows what he has to do. When Roger comes to see him again he will have to tell him no more of this.

Two nights go by and Roger doesn't come by, but on Thursday there is a knock on the door. Jerry knows the moment of truth has come. Very nervously he opens the door. Roger is standing there with that familiar friendly smile on his face. After Jerry invites him in, Roger begins his usual small talk conversation but Jerry doesn't say much. He is trembling inside, knowing that the conversation will turn to sex and he isn't sure how he's going to tell Roger what he has to say. It doesn't take Roger long to bring it up.

"The reason I really stopped by was to tell you how much I enjoyed the other night. I'd love to do it again real soon."

Jerry struggles to mumble out his next words,

"I dunno. I didn't really dig it all that much."

"Oh, really? I wouldn't have guessed that at all. From what I saw on my end you were liking it quite a lot."

"Yeah, I know. I did like it a little, but after I thought about it I really didn't like it."

"What didn't you liked about it? I mean, you were pretty worked up."

"I dunno. I can't really remember."

Roger starts to run the tips of his fingers over Jerry's zipper.

"I was amazed at how big you are down there. I couldn't get over the size of that thing. I bet a lot of women couldn't take something that big."

"I wouldn't know. I've never been with a girl before like that."

"Well listen, I'm not saying it's everything, what we did."

"I know. It's just that... I don't know... ummmm."

"Hey, let me tell you something. We all have this thing inside of us called inhibition, and it keeps us from doing the things we really want to do."

"Well... I just know... I just know... I don't want to do it anymore."

Sensing that Jerry is getting very uneasy, Roger skillfully changes the subject of the conversation and in a few minutes he finds a way to politely leave.

Jerry closes the door. He stands there with one hand wrapped around the doorknob and his head resting against the wall. His body starts to shake as the built-up tensions begin to release from depths deep inside of him. After a few minutes, he sits down on the couch, trying to gather his thoughts. His body still trembles inside, his eyes become watery. He feels a tear run down his cheek. Jerry doesn't realize it, but this is his body's way of releasing the volcano of tensions that have been building inside of him longer than he can possibly imagine.

He sits there twenty minutes or so until he begins to function mentally again. Thinking about what has just happened with Roger, he feels better knowing that he let him know he no longer wants to engage in male sex.

On the other hand, Roger is a nice person and has treated him with kindness and respect, so it's not like he hates him. He just hopes Roger has gotten the message and will no longer come on to him in a sexual way.

As his emotions begin to come back into balance, Jerry thinks about other areas of his life. It isn't an encouraging picture. He's had a rough week at work following his sexual encounter with Roger. His boss called him into the office yesterday and told him he was disappointed with the level of his work, in both quantity and quality. Jerry explained that he's been away from printing for the past three years and was still getting used to things again. His boss accepted his explanation but told him he was going to have to pick it up soon.

His next weekend trip home is depressing. Nothing has changed. Before he leaves, he tells his mom and dad he is going to stay in Des Moines next weekend. He tells them he wants to look for things to do there, since, after all, that's where he lives now. But the truth is he just doesn't need anymore negatively in his life right now.

The next week starts off much better. Jerry feels he is doing better at work and his boss even compliments him on one of the jobs he printed. When he comes home, he finds he still has nothing to come home to. He has written some letters to his former Army buddies in California and enjoys getting letters from them in return. Sometimes it makes him feel depressed reading about how well they are doing compared to his dull life in Des Moines.

On Wednesday night there is that knock on the door again. Jerry knows it is Roger before he even opens the door. Jerry is not as nervous this time when he invites Roger in. He feels more relaxed now, knowing he has let Roger  know he doesn't want any more sex. Roger begins to make small talk like he always does.

"I was in the building and wanted to stop by to check on you. I want you to know I feel bad about last week. I know I made you uncomfortable the other night. I really didn't mean to and I'm sorry." 

"Well, yeah, I did feel quite uncomfortable having to tell you what I told you. I feel better about it now. I think you're a nice guy and I really don't hate you. It's just that sex with a guy isn't for me."

"I understand, the last thing I want to do is make you do something you don't want to do."

Jerry finds it easier to talk with him now. He has one of his favorite records playing on the stereo and they talk about music and popular bands of the day. The record stops playing. As Jerry gets up to flip album over, Roger asks him, "Say, do you like to watch live bands?"

"Yeah, sure. Depending how good they are of course."

"Well, there's a super good band playing at a club here in town right now. Would you be interesting in hearing them play?"

"When?"

"Tonight. Right now."

"Oh, no way. Not tonight. This is a work night. I need my sleep if I'm going to be any good at work tomorrow."

"Well, OK. Another night maybe?"

"Maybe."

"It's just that I'm worried about you sitting alone in this apartment all the time. It would do you good to get out. Iowa winter weather gets very cold and depressing when you're alone."

"I know. I do get lonely sometimes."

"I know. I can see it in you. That's why I was surprised when you said you didn't want to have 'fun' anymore like we did that night. Are you sure it's you that doesn't want to? Or is something else inside stopping you?"

Jerry can see where this is starting to go and his mind is working on how to end this once and for all. He starts thinking to himself, OK. This guy's not going to give up. What I told him last time isn't sinking in. I have to try something else. It might work if I did it with him again but just laid there and did nothing in return.  Maybe if I can make it so it's not any fun for him he will finally get the message.

As Jerry is thinking these thoughts to himself Roger is also talking, trying to encourage him to give it another go.

"Are you SURE you don't want to try it again?" He asks.

Jerry looks at him, not speaking, not wanting to say no. He thinks to himself that his plan might be the best way to work this out.

"OK. But only if it's one-way, ok?"

"OK, I'm fine with that."

Roger wastes no time in removing the cushions from the couch and unfolding the bed. Jerry turns off the lights except for a low light in the bathroom. As the two men undress in the dim light, Jerry tries not to notice Roger's superior masculinity. He has a purpose in doing this. He wants Roger to have such a bad time that he'll lose interest and find someone else to have sex with.

When both men are naked, Jerry gets up on the bed, lays on his back and does nothing. Roger starts feeling his cock with his fingertips and hands just like last time. Jerry's cock starts getting hard and he realizes there is nothing he can do about that. He folds his hands behind his head and watches Roger go down on him, taking his half-hard cock all the way into his mouth. This is again very enjoyable to Jerry but he isn't about to show it.

Roger sucks on his hard shaft and moves his body around so Jerry can grab his cock like last time, but Jerry doesn't grab it. Jerry's cock gets hard as a rock. Roger flicks his tongue all over the shaft and head, trying to entice Jerry to join in. Noticing no response, he moves his body around and lays on his side, his soft cock directly in front of Jerry's face. Jerry resists the urge to take it. Roger moves in closer until his cock is pressing against Jerry's face. He moves his hips in a circular motion, rubbing his bare cock all over Jerry's face.

Even though at times he wants to, Jerry does not touch Roger's cock. Just like last time, Roger works his tongue down Jerry's shaft and takes his balls into his mouth, rolling his skillful tongue around each one. Jerry is now very aroused, but does not lose his focus and resists the cock that is now grinding forcefully into his face.

Roger's tongue soon makes its way into the crack of Jerry's ass and finds the honey hole. Jerry can't stand it anymore. Without thinking he takes Roger's cock into his mouth and starts sucking. Jerry squirms with delight as Roger drives his tongue deeper into his wet asshole. After a minute or so Jerry comes back to his senses.

This isn't supposed to be fun for him! he thinks to himself.

His mind back in focus, he lets Roger's cock fall out of his mouth. Roger keeps working his asshole harder and deeper with his tongue, hoping Jerry will get back into it. But he doesn't. Realizing this isn't going to go any farther, Roger gets up on knees, positioning himself between Jerry's legs. Spreading Jerry's legs apart with his own legs, he takes Jerry's cock into his hand, gently stroking it.

Jerry lies there with his legs spread apart, trying not to show any expression as Roger jacks him off. They stare into each other's eyes. Each one conveying a different message. Roger trying to entice by giving pleasure, Jerry trying to discourage any pleasure Roger might be having. One thing Jerry could not control was the mechanics of his physical body. He goes into orgasmic spasms as Roger's fingers coax the cum from his balls.

"Let me clean you up," Roger says with a depressed tone in his voice. He goes into the bathroom to get some tissue paper. Jerry feels somewhat victorious, proud of himself for not giving in to Roger's advances.  Roger has a sad, lost look on his face as he wipes the spent cum from Jerry's stomach. He walks over where his clothes are to get dressed.  Jerry feels he has accomplished what he wanted to do but doesn't want Roger to feel hurt either. He gets up off the bed and walks over to Roger.

"I'm sorry, I just can't get into it like the other night. I don't want to make you feel bad, but I just can't do it."

Roger looks into Jerry's eyes and put his arms around his waist.

"I know it was hard for you tonight. I understand if you don't have the desire. It's just that I can't help thinking it's because you're afraid of something. Are you afraid?"

"Yeah, it's very scary for me."

"Are you afraid about people finding out about this?"

"Yeah, that's a lot of it. I'm afraid people will think I'm a queer."

"Who is going to find out?"

"My family. I could never face them again."

"How are they going to find out? The only ones who know about this are you and me. I don't think you are a queer. I think you are a very sensitive person who hasn't yet discovered how sensuous you really are."

Roger moves his hands up Jerry's back, drawing him closer.

"Listen, do you think you're the only one who's afraid people will find out? It scares me as much as it scares you. I have a lot to lose. I'm very well known in this town and if the wrong people found out I was doing this it could ruin me. Society is very cruel when it comes to people who's sexual desires aren't line with society's rules of what's right and wrong. Iowa isn't a very open-minded society as you well know. Believe me, I go to great lengths to be discreet when I do something like this."

"Does your wife know you are doing this?"

"She does. She'd rather I didn't, but we came to an understanding years ago. She knows I have these desires and she's understanding and open-minded enough to not let this destroy our love for each other. I love her and the kids more than anything and she loves me. We also have a very good sex life. She just knows that I also have to be with a man sometimes to feel fulfilled. It's something deep inside of me that I had to come to terms with a long time ago and I see that same thing in you, Jerry. I think it's very strong inside of you."

Tears come to Jerry's eyes. He looks into Roger's eyes,

"I know you're right about that feeling. Sometimes I feel it strongly and sometimes it feels so scary to me. I'm feeling it right now and I don't know what to do."

Roger reaches down and very lightly takes Jerry's soft cock into his hand.

"Sometimes you just have to listen to what your body is trying to tell you. You have to get out of the way and let it do what it wants to do, because if you don't, that thing inside will just keep eating at you. What is your body telling you right now Jerry? Listen to it."

"It's telling me I like the way your skin feels against mine right now. I liked what we did the first time we got in bed together. My body wants to do it again."

"OK. Just obey your body right now, in this moment. Don't talk. Just listen to it and do what it tells you to do. Just let go."

Jerry draws himself closer to Roger's chest. He savors the feeling of Roger's naked body pressing so close to his. He starts to breath deeper and faster. He runs his lips lightly along Roger's neck and shoulders. His hands explore Roger's upper torso, feeling the muscles in his arms and on his chest.

Roger feels Jerry's cock getting hard in his hand. He squeezes it with a little more pressure.

"Do you feel that Jerry? That's your body talking to you."

"I know. I can feel it. I like it."

"What is it telling you right now?"

Jerry lowers himself down on his knees. He looks up into Roger's eyes.

"It's telling me I want to suck your cock."

As a gesture of submission, looking up, staring into Roger's eyes, Jerry lowers his head under Roger's cock and starts licking his balls. His eyes never lose contact with Roger's eyes as he gently takes his sack into his mouth. Rolling his tongue around his balls, Jerry sees the pleasure he is giving Roger. Shivers of eroticism flow through his body as he realizes he is giving pleasure in this way. For the first time he is feeling the natural flow of his body.

He turns his attention to the shaft of Roger's hard cock. He takes pleasure licking the smooth skin of his length and the velvety texture of its head. His hands roam along the muscles of his legs and thighs. He wraps his lips around Roger's cock, taking it into his mouth and sucking hard. The more he sucks now the more he seems to want.

Roger takes Jerry's head in his hands and starts fucking his mouth. Jerry is feeling like a girl, offering her mouth as a pussy for Roger's personal enjoyment. He likes that feeling a lot. He feels Roger getting close to climax. When he shoots his load, Jerry once again swallows it as fast as he can. He is still not excited about swallowing cum, but he accepts it.

Jerry lets the spent cock go soft in his mouth. There is a taste of cum as the relaxing vein lets out the few last drops of its payload onto his tongue. He knows he has given pleasure and that feels important to him right now. When the soft cock naturally falls out of his mouth, Jerry gets back on his feet and lets his head rest on Roger's shoulder.

The two stand there, speechless, in each other's arms. Roger speaks first, "Jerry, that was nice. It's like I was with a completely different person. Did you feel how much easier it is when you can just let go?"

"Yeah, I think so. I've never felt that way before. I really wanted your cock. It felt good to have it."

"So many men feel it but not very many ever allow themselves to enjoy it."

"Yeah. The thought of getting caught doing something you're not supposed to be doing is so fucking scary."

Roger glances at his watch,

"Oh no. It's late. I do need to go. Tell me, Jerry, do you want me to come by again?"

"Oh yes. I'd like that a lot. I want you to. I'll make it better next time you stop by. Thank you for showing me a part of myself I did not know"

Roger gets dressed and once again leaves a naked Jerry sitting on his bed contemplating what has just happened. This night didn't turn out the way it was supposed to. Instead of turning Roger away sexually, he submitted to him. He opened the door to further explore his sexuality. He's crossed a line he may not be able to cross back over. He does not feel regret about it.

He realizes he is tired and it's late. He curls up under the covers and drifts off to sleep with a feeling of contentment inside of him.