Tuesday at work passed quickly, we were quiet and I had time to reflect on both what had happened last night and also what I needed to say to Sarah.

With Clare, it was now all out in the open. I would carry on seeing her, but I knew I needed to wait and see what happens with Alan before I considered the next step.

My more immediate concern was my girlfriend, Sarah. I desperately wanted to keep her as my girlfriend but I was not sure that was now possible.

Would she forgive me for cheating on her?

Even if she did, there was no way that she was going to let me have two girlfriends.

I spent the day running every connotation through my head. What I should say, what I should do?

None were good. I knew I had been a fool but I wanted to get to know Clare. That attraction I had for her. All day, I desperately looked for a way out from the hole my lust and cock, had dug for me.

 *****

I arrived at Sarah’s house at six-fifteen, just a little late, with the thought to tell Sarah everything and even fall on my sword begging for forgiveness. I knew I would be entirely in her hands. That we had something good going that I didn’t want to give up, though I guessed Sarah would, as soon as I told her the truth. 

With my stomach rolling, and my body feeling decidedly shaky, Sarah let me in. I gave her a quick kiss and then a warm smile. I was nervous as to how this evening might go and I knew I should be. I could only think it was going to be bad or even terrible, and I could not see any other outcome.

But I hoped!

As I stepped into the hall, as I always do, I looked at Sarah. She was wearing a high-necked dark red tee shirt probably to cover any love bites that were left on her and a short black skirt. That was new. She looked lovely and I told her so.

With guilt surrounding me, I said hello to her mum and dad, Barbara and James. They were nice people, neither quite forty having had Sarah at only twenty-one.

Sarah’s mum owned the florist shop in the village and her dad was an aerospace engineer. Their work often took them away from home and during these times it fell to Sarah to look after her younger brother Gary, her only sibling, who was only seven and a half.

After some small talk with Barbara and James where they mention that later that night they were going out for a meal with friends and Sarah, and therefore we would be doing the babysitting tonight.

Gary was now really becoming his own little person, having grown a lot in the six months since I first met him. In all honestly, I did not mind babysitting.

I only wanted to spend time with Sarah, try to reconnect and explain my actions. I knew that would be an impossible task, and it was a conversation that I was not looking forward to.

After Barbara and James left us to get ready for their night out, we broke out the plastic building bricks. Sarah, Gary, but mainly me, dug in and started to build things that matched our imaginations. I was quite impressed with my rocket ship but Gary dismissed it saying, “It doesn't have big enough engines to fly.” He had a good point.

Sarah had tried to build a horse which I thought was a hard thing to attempt and in all honestly, the finished article looked a little square, but I wisely didn’t say anything other than it was very good.

Gary built a car and used the available miniature people to make it look real. It was very car-like and quite impressive, with wheels and an opening boot and bonnet.

At a quarter to eight, Sarah’s parents said their goodbyes and reminded Sarah that Gary had to be in bed by eight-thirty, much to Gary’s disgust. We carried on playing and my rocket ship gained much bigger engines, much to Gary’s delight. His car gained a trailer and Sarah’s horse gained an enclosure.

At eight-fifteen, Gary was sent to get ready for bed and suddenly I felt very nervous, as I knew the moment was rapidly approaching when I needed to talk with Sarah. It was the moment when she would kick me out, and tell me that I was stupid, an idiot and much worse.

As I sat there, I still really did not know what to say to Sarah, but I did know she deserved better.

It was nearer a quarter to nine by the time Gary was in bed. Sarah went in to check on him and then he insisted I had to do the same. 

When I returned Sarah was sitting on the settee. She smiled and then teased me slightly opening her legs to show her white panties before closing them again. This was new and something she would not have done a few weeks ago. I knew it was my influence on her. I smiled back, as I took my position next to Sarah on the white settee and we cuddled.

But inside I was a mess.

“How are the love bites,” I guardedly asked having wanted to know since my arrival. “I hope they do not hurt too much. Sorry, I got carried away.”

Sarah lifted her tee shirt to show me and as she did so I noticed she had a very lacy white bra on, almost transparent in places. That was also new.

Some of the marks had faded but there were two very dark ones just above each breast.

“Sorry,” I said again, but Sarah caught me by surprise when she said, “Actually, I don’t mind them. It was different and exciting, but not something I want every time; though I do want you to mark me again sometime in the future.”

I smiled, but it was a weak smile, as I was not sure there was a future.

I did like Sarah’s answer, and once again I realised that she was changing as a woman and I thought that perhaps it was part of her sexual awakening. After all, she had only been with one person before me.

“You can count on that.” I tried to sound enthusiastic.

“I will nibble you again sometime,” I then added not wanting to use the word bite because of the guilt I was still carrying.

The next thing Sarah said to me simply stunned me.

“How did your date go last night?”

I was shocked!

I was lost for words. How did she know?

“Come on, I need to know what happened. I know it was a girl you saw, Clare you said her name was."

“And…”

“Yes, we do need to talk!” Those dreaded words, all rattled off in quick succession.

I knew this was always going to be difficult, but that prepared talk that was in my head had now, somewhat, unravelled.

Sarah just sat there looking at me. She didn’t look cross, and she didn’t look annoyed but to me, it felt something much worse.

“Yes, her name is Clare,” I muttered. Sarah didn’t react, she was waiting.

“She is also eighteen and I met her some time ago, long before you."

There was still no reaction from Sarah.

"Yes we have slept together in the past but she has never been my girlfriend as such and at the moment she has a long-term boyfriend. They have been going out for nearly one and half years.” 

As I quietly spoke, I knew I was being a little economic with the truth. But it was also true to say that every word that I had whispered, was not a lie.

Sarah looked back at me, her eyes now a little red. I had never before seen Sarah angry or even upset and even now, though tearful, she seemed still in complete control.

Guilt swept across me, once again.

“You seem to know a lot about her,” Sarah then said, but not spitefully, more business-like. She was still in full control, but I was waiting for the onslaught. That burst of aggression.

It was what I deserved.

“I know some, but not a lot, about her. Clare is a bit mysterious and yesterday was the first time I have really talked to her in years though we did bump into one another in Majorca.”

I knew again I was being a little economical with the truth, but I was also not lying. I wondered if Sarah saw straight through me but I wanted to push on and get this over with. I knew I was being horrible to Sarah, my loving girlfriend but I also knew what I wanted and to get that, I had to do this. Even if the risk was Sarah and me breaking up!

Of course, there was no guarantee I would ever be with Clare again and I needed to get this across to Sarah. I went on, deservedly feeling a little more than, uncomfortable.

“Sarah, you are my girlfriend and I have no intention of breaking up with you. We are good for one another. Everyone tells us that and I want us to carry on seeing each other as we have been. Even get closer if possible, but I also want to occasionally see Clare.”

In the end, it came out in a rush, but I thought, there I have said it!

I waited. I waited for the expected outburst from Sarah but she remained silent, and maybe that was even worse.

After nearly a minute, I could not take the silence anymore. I started to tell Sarah a little about Clare, all the time sitting close to her, keeping a hand on her knee trying to reassure her. I did not want to break up with her but I knew that was out of my hands.

Sarah chose not to say anything, but she was listening to every word I said. As I spoke, I just hoped.

“As I mentioned, I want you as my girlfriend but I would also like to see Clare. I want her to become our friend. Even if she breaks up with her boyfriend, it is unlikely she would want to go out with me. She said as much when we talked last night, she just wants to be single and sleep around.”

“How did you get onto that subject last night?” Sarah asked. 

That was a good question I thought, so I paused before answering. If possible, I needed to make it sound better than it was. But I didn't want to lie.

“Clare asked me for advice.” That was true, though it had been mainly on a different subject. “Her boyfriend is getting serious and she realised she is not ready for marriage, but she has not decided what to say to him. There is a chance they could break up, but she is not sure. It is her decision. She is just thinking about it.” I was sure the irony of those words was not lost on Sarah.

Sarah looked up at me and I just looked back at her before deciding to give her another cuddle. I was surprised that she did not reject me, so I said, “I do not want to lose you, Sarah, but I am also attracted to Clare.” 

There I put it completely out there!

I knew I was an idiot and much worse. But I was running on raw emotion and being steered by my cock.

Sarah looked at me again, she seemed calm and I then released that she was not going to hit me, shout at me or throw me out.

Instead, I knew she was going to say something significant and for the first time, I thought she was about to use the L-word.

But she didn’t.

It turned out to be something more poignant than that.

“I never told you this, David, but it seems like the right time to tell you now,” Sarah said still in a calm and even voice. “When we first got together I was in a dark place, a very dark place. I had not even left the house in six weeks.”

I pulled her close, as Sarah carried on speaking.

“As you know, you are my second boyfriend and the second person to have sex with me. I know I should of, but I have never told you about my first and what happened. It was not a good experience and outside my parents, only Lisa knows.”

I did not say anything. I just cuddled Sarah and importantly, listened.

“I know you know that I had a bad breakup but you do not know how bad it really was. I need to tell you and get this out. You need to know for us to have a chance!” Sarah had uttered the last part with more force and more emotion.

“This is actually harder for me to say than hearing you been unfaithful to me.”

Thoughts quickly poured through my emotional mind. Sarah had worked out that I had been unfaithful and this is worse!

I'm not being thrown out; I need to be there for Sarah.

I gently squeezed her arm, an act of reassurance for both of us.

She calmly continued, “My ex was called Jerry, an older guy, thirty-eight and a former friend of the family. He was also married.”

This was all news to me. I had always assumed Sarah’s old boyfriend was the same age as her and this new information came as a complete surprise.

“For some reason that I would find difficult to explain now, I had always been attracted to Jerry even though he was a lot older and married. One evening when I had just turned sixteen, Jerry knocked on the door looking for my mum and dad. I was here alone, and perhaps foolishly, I let Jerry in. Before I knew it, we were making out on this very settee.” 

We both glanced down at the white couch we were sitting on before Sarah carried on.

“I did not resist him at all. I guess I was ready and ripe. I wanted it to happen. I wanted to lose my V-card and it was that evening I lost my virginity to him. I was happy but also a little confused. It was not long after that night that sex between us became I regular thing. Soon every time we could, we fucked, but stupidly, sometimes we didn't use any protection.”

I thought of me and Clare and Majorca. We did not use protection.

Sarah paused. I pulled her close again and held her tight, not knowing what I was meant to do, other than offer her my support. After all, it was meant to be me confessing. Not Sarah. I kissed the top of her head, I wanted her to know, that I was there for her.

“The lack of protection became the norm, especially later when we were very familiar with each other’s bodies and sometimes fucking more than once a day. He normally just pulled out, but not always. This went on until the end of October last year, so around eighteen months, no one caught us or even suspected anything was going on and then I missed a period.”

Sarah paused again and I noticed a tear running down her cheek, which I wiped away with my thumb and then kissed her cheek to make it better.

“I am here now for you,” I softly said, and I was. Perhaps for the first time, I was beginning to understand Sarah and what she meant to me.

“I told Jerry, but he did not want to know. I was on my own.”

Sarah paused. She was trying to hold back the tears but failing.

“When I missed my second period I told my mum what happened including the fact it was Jerry who was the father and if anything..."

"It got worse.” 

Sarah paused again. I could see another tear running down her face which I just lovingly brushed away.

“You got me now,” I automatically said, temporally forgetting what had gone on before. But Sarah did not seem to notice, and she carried on between sobs with her story.

“As you may have guessed, everything just blew up at that point. My dad went berserk. He went around Jerry’s house to confront him. I thought he was going to kill him as I had never seen him so mad."

"Jerry denied everything but his wife believed my dad and…” Sarah’s sob’s got louder.  “And said she wanted a divorce, she blamed me for leading Jerry on. They are currently separated but I understand are still talking.”

Sarah paused again. She was openly crying and I was doing my best to support her, hoping I was enough!

I realised that Sarah was opening her heart to me. Though she had never said it, I also realised it for the first time. Sarah really must love me.

Sarah continued, between sobs.

“Jerry’s never been back to this house and I have never tried to contact him. My mum didn’t speak to me, but she did take me to the doctor and she did a pregnancy test. I was pregnant, but it didn’t end there!” 

Sarah's crying grew louder again, this time harder than before. I wasn’t sure what to do as I had never been in this position before. I kissed her forehead and squeezed her and I waited. The truth was I felt like crying with her, but I also wanted to remain strong. Like I thought an alpha male should be. Though, at that moment, I felt anything but an alpha male.

Sarah carried on, through her tears, and the next bit I didn’t fully understand as Sarah’s words came out in short bursts as she cried. But I got the drift.

“All I remember is when I woke up in the hospital, the baby was gone, and I thought it was my fault.” 

I kissed Sarah again on the top of the head and waited. I was there for her, but she was sobbing hard and I thought it was best to let her get it all out before we tried to repair the damage I had done.

“It turned out that I fainted or collapsed, that is why I ended in a hospital on drugs. They said I had a miscarriage, but I am not sure I believe them. It wasn’t my fault. I was in the hospital for a short time just after Christmas last year.”

“When I came home, I am not sure what happened, but I found myself going into some sort of daze. Maybe it was depression, but no one seemed to exactly know. I literally struggled to get out of bed."

"I only talked to Lisa, she was my confidant. My parents were supportive but didn't want to talk about what happened. Though my mum made sure I went on the pill."

"I know it was not my fault, but no one will tell me what happened to my baby. Not even my mum, it became a secret; a not to be discussed topic!”

“Then in mid-February Lisa comes round to see me as she often did and she told me that you were interested in going out with me.”

As Sarah told me that I thought of Lisa, the little devil. She had told me it was Sarah who wanted to go out with me. It was an old trick in getting people together and I was so pleased she had used it on us.

“I was feeling a little better so that Sunday night I went out for the first time in months, and as you know, I went to the local pub just to meet you. When you came over and started talking to me, it was the start of me getting better and getting back to my old self. My parents were so pleased to see life back in me and the longer we have been together, the better I felt. You have been good to me, David, you really have.”

Sarah paused, her sobs now all but gone.

Her red watery eyes bore into me, they were searching my soul for the real me.

“David, I feel great being with you, and I want to be your girlfriend whatever happens. If that means you see another girl, occasionally, then I can live with it. All I ask is please be completely open and honest with me. I am still struggling to find the real me and it’s not the frumpy girl you met in February.”

I was stunned.

All day I had been going over every possible scenario in my head as to how tonight would go with Sarah. None were good, and certainly, none of them had Sarah confessing to me!

“Sarah, I promise I will be, open and honest with you,” I then whispered and I meant it.

Though my guilt was still there, I felt my heart was now wrapped around Sarah’s. 

With that, we just melted in each other’s arms and we cuddled for a long while. Eventually, the cuddle turned to kisses and the kisses turned into us making slow love on that settee. It was the very same white settee that Sarah had lost her virginity on at sixteen.

For the first time, I learned the difference between fucking and making love. This was the first time in my life that I had made love, and then it hit me. I realised that I had fallen in love with Sarah and the fact that it had happened on that same settee that she lost her virginity on was, for once, not lost on me.

As I left Sarah’s house that night, I turned and kissed her goodnight.

“Thank you for telling me all and I promise to always be there for you,” and I meant every word.

Sarah smiled weakly.

“Are you okay?” I softly questioned.

Sarah nodded her reply. I knew she needed time and that we needed to talk again, but not now.

We were both emotionally drained and tired. I wanted to say I love you, but it felt like the wrong time, too much had happened already tonight.

“If you need to talk to someone other than me, talk to Lisa. She really is a good friend.” I was remembering how she got us together and silently vowed to thank her sometime soon.

“I was planning to,” Sarah quietly replied and as she said it, there was a hint of a smile. A hint of hope and I kissed her once again and then warmly smiled back at her.

“I phone you tomorrow,” I softly whispered, not wanting to leave Sarah tonight.

Sarah weakly smiled again. She looked exhausted, but it was with that smile that I got into my car and I waved before driving off towards my parent’s house.

As I drove, I reflected, my thoughts now all on Sarah.

I turn on the car radio and Rick Astley's, "Never Gonna Give You Up" filled the car with music. It was his latest release and it felt appropriate as my inner emotions fought each other.

Did I want to be with Sarah or Clare?

It was a question; I now had part of the answer to as I wasn't ever going to give up Sarah. That is if she still wanted me the next time I saw her.

I knew that tonight, I had dodged a bullet with Sarah. However, the greater part of me still felt awful. In many ways, I knew Sarah deserved someone better than me. I had wanted to sob with her as she told me her story, but I just couldn’t.

But as I drove, tears started running down my cheeks as quietly, and on my own, I cried with Sarah.

*****

Later, as I lay in bed that night, I reflected and my last few thoughts before sleep took me away.

In a way, my life this week had just got so much more exciting; but also so much more complicated. 

Then I chuckled, “Thank god it is only football training tomorrow.” That meant no girls, no drama, and definitely no emotion.

I then drift off to sleep, though in my mind, that Rick Astley song still lingered…