Over the next six weeks, I barely get to see Louise outside of sixth-form, with her being busy on an art project. Unfortunately, that meant I also didn't get to see her during my four-week exclusion resulting from Elaine retaliating by making complaints about me fucking others in the lab room during the summer. Subsequently, with the gossip going around the school, at Louise's request, we've been discrete about our relationship, although it isn't entirely clear what we are to each other.
I spend the entire November at home studying, deciding I need to stop fooling around so I can be someone she isn't ashamed of being with. In honesty, I'd been struggling at sixth-form, finding I'm unable to cruise along, turn up to exams and still get okay grades like I did with my GCSE's. Four weeks of knuckling down aren't enough to turn my results around yet, but it's a good start, with this being my final year with no more chances.
They'd never been a great deal of incentive before to try hard, and I wasn't interested in anything career-wise, so I had no ambition. I found maths reasonably easy, though, with little effort, so it had always been assumed that I'll help my dad's business, just like my brother, by doing the bookkeeping. However, with Louise being in my life and planning to go to university next September to become a teacher, I don't want to feel like an embarrassment to her.
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On the last day of term, sitting by herself in her usual spot, I see Louise absorbed in her textbook in the furthest corner of the library. With us not wanting to draw the attention of others, the nook here, partially hidden by a tall bookcase and away from the windows, is perfect. The library rarely attracts anyone older than the year seven and eights anyway, but on the slim chance of being recognised, it makes sense to be cautious until my reputation improves.
Hesitantly, I approach and I can see that she's wearing a lilac sweater with a silvery snowflake on for Christmas jumper day with her lustrous dark hair tied back in a bun. It's been briskly cold, with the leaves lying thickly on the pavements for weeks, and I long for the summer when I'll be able to see more of her curvaceous, womanly body which has remained concealed to me since we last fucked. I'm not entirely sure why we haven't done it again since that first time, and Louise hasn't mentioned anything about it at all. Still, she isn't exactly pushing me away either, accepting my flirtations and teasingly keeping me at arm's length.
Her gorgeous eyes flicker up to me the moment I reach the table, and I beam at her, glad to finally have her near me after a day apart. A thin smile stretches across her face, but it doesn't reach her eyes and quickly drops away as she turns back to her work. Sadly, it seems that we still have a way to go before she feels comfortable meeting me like this.
"How long are you going to stand there?" she teases, giving me a second, brief glimpse.
In nervousness, I fumble as I remove my books from my rucksack, then sit opposite her, keeping a respectful distance if we are spotted. Wishing we could do something other than study, I flip open my copy of Tess of the D'Urbervilles, which I'm studying for English Literature. Based upon the Victorian moral code and the views towards sexuality, religion and social class, I can't help feel guilty when I read it with the treatment of others towards the heroine resulting in her tragic downfall. I'm reminded of my own failings and how I wronged my first girlfriend leading her to be shamed.
"You look beautiful today," I say sheepishly, barely able to concentrate from my desire to touch her. "I've missed you, Louise."
She giggles in shyness at my compliment, so wondering if she's not too busy for a chat, I take a glance at what she's working on and see a maths book opened up on the desk. Her brows are furrowed, and lines have appeared on her forehead whilst she chews her pencil. It would seem that mathematics isn't her strong point, but with this being my one academic strength, it should be a relatively simple question for me.
Finally, my opportunity to shine!
"Would you like some help, Louise?"
"No, I've got it, I think?" she mumbles with uncertainty, frowning harder. "I don't remember covering this in class. Why did I have to take maths..."
After another minute passes, she shoves the book away, appearing annoyed with it. So, to find out what she's finding difficult, I turn it towards me and see that she needs to solve a radical equation.
"You need to isolate the radical expression first, then square both sides to eliminate the radical symbol. You can then solve this as a linear equation and then check it makes sense. So, this here is nine," I say, pointing to the text before noticing she's glazed over. "Louise, you're not even listening to me. Would you like me to change my timetable so I can join your class and help you if you're struggling?"
"I'm surprised you can even count," she quips, giving me a glimpse of her short-tempered side, which has been sneaking out more often during our secret rendezvous.
"Actually, I'm more than a pretty face, I'll have you know. I can count to over a thousand and back again," I say, grinning at having her riled up before raising my voice. "One, two, three-"
"Can you keep your voice down, you idiot!"
"I'll love to see you make me." Still smirking, I lean across the table, hoping she'll get the hint to give me a sneaky kiss, but instead, I receive a kick to the shin beneath the table. It's not the reaction I was hoping for, but it's contact nonetheless. "Ah! Do it again."
As she does indeed go to tap my leg again, I seize her foot which I place in my lap, then remove her shoe by pulling on the laces. "That's not fair, Matthew!"
Successfully distracting her from her work and feeling playful, I tug on her toes before massaging the arch of her foot. I can't help but notice as her head ever so slowly tips back slightly, and then with her face flushing, she unexpectedly releases a moan. The damage is done instantly, and immediately I get an erection from the lewd sound she made.
Withdrawing away in embarrassment, she snatches her shoe off the table, but I can sense an increase in the tension between us as I watch her slip it on. For some unknown reason, she seems to be holding back from me. I've been allowing her to guide the pace of this relationship, waiting patiently for her to initiate our next encounter, but perhaps I need to give her a nudge?
As she clears her things into her bag, then passes behind my chair to disappear to her next class early, I grab her hand, in desperate need of her.
"Can we continue this later?" I ask, my voice in a low whisper. "Or at least let me take you out on that date? I want to spend time with you."
"I don't know. I'll speak to you later about it."
She shrugs me away, and I'm left behind feeling rejected but unable to pursue her, needing to conceal my shame. When it eventually subsides, just in time for the bell, I'm still incredibly frustrated, and my mind is a mess, unable to drive out the image of the expression on her face. So instead of turning right to go to my English class, I turn left and continue along the corridor.
I slam through the door of the cubicle, sling my bag on the floor and lock the door behind me. There's no one else here, thankfully, with me missing class, so I undo my belt, unzip my trousers, then brace myself against the door. My other hand slides down, and with a firm grip, I start to pleasure myself, hoping I won't be caught with how humiliating this is.
Goddammit, Louise... What have you done to me?
She's bewitched me somehow. Coming to my party, disarming me with those ridiculously cute kitty ears, and getting me drunk, twice! I never saw it coming, and now here I am, still thinking of her while I skip class to whack one out.
I think I love her.
Trying to remain quiet, I clench my teeth, gently panting as I continue to pump rapidly over my cock. Usually, I'll take my time, maybe even an hour, to edge myself if I've not had sex, but out of necessity, I'm rushing, knowing the risk of being caught is high.
Grabbing at the remnants of tissue in the holder, I silently spill my load, then flush it away and pull my clothes back up, feeling slightly better. Finally, I wash my hands as I check myself out in the mirror, then fix my disheveled hair and white shirt. If I'm lucky, no one should be able to tell the effect she had on me or what I've just done. I'll just settle into class and pretend I had been feeling sick.
I arrive twenty minutes late, with Mr Wilson first looking at me, then up towards the clock above the door. "What time do you call this?"
"I'm really sorry, Sir, but I wasn't feeling too great."
"There's no point in you being here if you're going to be this late. Go sit down."
With everyone staring at me for interrupting the class, I make my way to the back, where Justin is sitting and settle beside him. We've barely spoken since our argument because he hasn't apologised yet, and I've been spending whatever time I have studying with Louise.
"Where have you been?" Justin hisses, elbowing me in the ribs. "Don't tell me you were fucking that nerd in the lab rooms?"
"I was feeling hot and needed to cool down," I reply, maintaining the pretence. There's absolutely no way I'm going to tell him I've been masturbating in the toilets. "Also, don't speak about Louise like that."
"I can tell when you're lying."
"Well, you're imagining it because I was feeling sick."
He gives me a quizzical look and then opens his mouth to say something else before dropping it with Mr Wilson standing next to us.
"You're late, and now you're talking. What's so important that you need to share it with the class, Matthew and Justin?"
"It's nothing, Sir!" Justin quickly replies.
"I want you both to see me in detention after class. Now get out."
Reclining against the wall out in the corridor, an uneasiness comes over me as I watch Justin pace up and down, seemingly with something on his mind. I haven't seen him this stressed, ever. Not even when his parents separated, and he was forced to decide between staying here or moving away with his dad.
"What's your problem, Matt?" he demands as he finally comes to a stop and slumps in a chair. "We've noticed that you've stopped hanging out with us. Are we not good enough for you, now you're with that prissy perfect, or is she stopping you from seeing us? I thought we were close!"
"We are, but I need help to pass my exams to go to uni, so Louise is helping me at lunch."
"But you don't hang out after school, either. She's got you wrapped around her finger, and you're too fucking blind to see it. The sex surely isn't even that good."
His attitude seems disproportionate to the situation. It's alright for him to ditch me last minute to bang some girl every weekend, but when I finally decide to try for a relationship, there's an issue.
"Actually, I haven't slept with her again."
"Why the fuck are you bothering if she isn't putting out, then?" he says before bursting into laughter at my admission. "We're your friends, not her, and it's really pissing me off that you're blowing me out for some cock tease. There's something seriously wrong with you if you don't just dump her."
"There's something wrong with me? You're the one who has a problem with my girlfriend because she's smarter than you. It also may surprise you, but there's more to a relationship than getting your end away, but clearly, you're too fucking shallow to consider anything other than that. Now keep out of my business when it has nothing to do with you."
Immediately I regret my response, not wishing to fight with him, but Justin leaps out of his chair, hurling it backwards. Knowing he wants to hit me, I straighten up, and despite him being taller by an inch, I'm not intimidated by him, even as he eyeballs me as his opponent.
Shoving me against the wall, he clenches his fist in a threat, so I grab him by the collar back. "None of my business? Fuck you!"
"So what are you gonna do? Punch me? I'd love to see you try it."
He pushes away from me and out of my grasp, then strikes me in the jaw. I hit back in retaliation, then wrestle him to the ground sending chairs flying. We both came off fairly well in fights, although we've never fought each other before. Evenly matched, it could go either way, but he manages to land another blow to my face, but I'm on top of him, and I knee him in the gut as we continue to lash out in front of the other students who are now aware of our fight, and come rushing up to the door.
"Fuck you!" he yells out before spitting in my face. "I fucking hate you!"
As I look down at him and see his face contorted in a rage, I know our friendship has ended. The thing I've been afraid of the most, the reason why I remained silent about my feelings all this time, has happened. I should feel sad, but instead, I'm angry, knowing I've wasted years on this friendship for it all to become meaningless, and I punch him again despite the teachers now yelling for help to break us up.
We continue to brawl, neither of us prepared to give in to the other, as we release our pent-up resentment with the tinder finally being lit, until eventually, we're dragged apart, with two people grabbing me under my arms.
Hauling us before the headmaster, who is furious at being kept from going home, I shrink back in my chair as he labels me the instigator, then informs me I'll be swapping classes after the Christmas break. The rage now rapidly fades as the injuries we'd ignored and fought through become achingly apparent. I didn't intend to hurt him when we started our argument, but as I look at him with his two black eyes, clutching his side, I feel guilty with him coming off worse than me.
I walk to my car in a daze, feeling and looking like shit with the front of my shirt ripped and my chest wound tight with grief. My best friend now hates me, but my pride hadn't let me back down, and neither had his. Seventeen years of friendship destroyed because we're too alike and swiftly turn to violence in our anger. I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner.
Reaching into my glove compartment, I remove a pack of cigarettes, then light up for the first time in five days. I've cut back for Louise, which hasn't helped my stress levels, but from the first taste of smoke running along my tongue as my mouth fills with viscid heat, the gnawing in the back of my mind eases.
Taking another drag, the warmth permeates my throat as I indulge in the nicotine I've been craving, finally becoming rational in my thoughts, which were bordering on more self-destructive outlets. Glancing at my phone, I can see that Louise has messaged me, so I open it, hoping she hasn't found out about the fight before I've spoken to her first.
~Sorry about earlier, Matt. Did you want me to come over and spend some time with you tonight?
I've massively screwed up. Looking a complete state, I know she'll be horrified by what I've done when I'm supposed to be lying low already. Quickly I reply back, seeing that she sent it hours ago.
~I've just seen your message. Honestly, today has not been a good day, so it's best you don't see me. Can I call you later?