I walk down the driveway to my car with Selena following behind me. Anxiety is already coursing through me, knowing that I will have to admit to Liam about what I'm about to do when I return. Guilt will prevent me from keeping it a secret. I would have told him that Louise had contacted me already if I knew he wouldn't stop me.
Casual sex isn't a problem to him, that part I'm sure about, and we are technically on a break, but he may physically try to prevent me from seeing her. He may see it as protecting me from making more mistakes.
I'm also nervous Selena will be wondering why I'm going out so early, and the drive will be awkward if she decides to ask, but I want to get her home. The last thing she needs to deal with is Liam when he notices that I've gone. I also do not trust William. There's something about him that I cannot put my finger on, and that makes me feel uneasy. I unlock my car door, but Selena reaches out and stops me from getting inside.
"You shouldn't be driving after last night," she glares, snatching my keys off me and putting them in her handbag.
In my urgency to get out of the house, I hadn't even considered whether I'm fit to drive. I feel okay, but it's not worth risking, especially when I combined so much. The last thing I need is to be reckless and injure or kill someone. Shocked by my idiocy, I just nod, check I've got cash in my wallet and get out my phone to dial a taxi.
"What's your address again?" I ask.
"Well, where are you going? I'll just hang out with you for the day?"
"Uhh, just into town, got shit to do," I respond, pulling my best poker face.
"At nine in the morning?"
"Yeah. Gonna get a bite to eat and do some stuff, you know?"
"I don't, but do you mind if I tag along? I want to spend more time with you," she responds, fluttering her eyelashes.
As I glance over her pleading face, I know I'm unable to lie to her about what I'm doing. I've ignored her the entire week, and I'm blowing her out again to deal with Louise on what is possibly my last weekend of freedom for some time. She deserves to know that I'm doing something that will likely end the arrangement with her. Reluctantly I agree, and I call for the taxi.
We arrive in the town centre forty minutes later and immediately head to a cafe nearby in a bid to become more human. I buy us both an English breakfast, and we walk to a table in the far corner to have a long-needed chat, but before I've even sat down, she frowns at me.
"Can we talk?" she asks, resting her head on her hand.
Ah fuck. Here it is. Upsetting her is harder than it is with Liam, and I struggle to argue with her voice of reason.
"Okay, sure. What did you want to talk about?" I ask nervously.
"Last night. You and William, and those other men. Why?"
"I already told you. Liam wanted to share me with his friends."
"But why did you do it?"
"I don't expect you to understand," I sigh.
"Matthew, if you think by sleeping around and taking drugs you'll put me off then no, you won't. I love you and purposely acting like an idiot to force me away won't change that."
"Actually Selena, I have zero regrets over my actions last night. What about you? Do you regret Noah or whatever his name is?"
"He gave me his number, but I don't know. He seems okay, but he isn't you. I doubt I'll call him."
"Thankfully for the world, there is only one of me," I laugh. "You should keep hold of his number for when I do end up annoying you too much."
"Why were you weird with Will this morning by the way?"
"There is nothing weird between Will and me... Why would you even think something like that?" I stammer at this sudden questioning.
"You seemed overprotective of me," she pries.
"I just don't want you involving yourself in Liam's friends," I admit.
"But, Will seems nice. He's friendly, and he introduced me to Noah. He's nothing like Liam if that's what you're worried about?"
"Selena, who do you think offered me the drugs? I also fucked him in the arse last night, and he isn't a switch. I suspect he's a deviant who does whatever he wants depending on what drugs he's taken. Claudia called him a coke-head, so I think it's good to be cautious around him," I respond, trailing off as I spot the waitress carrying our food over.
Two large plates of breakfast are placed before us laden with hot, delicious food, and quickly we tuck in, both of us ravenous despite our hangovers.
"Best hangover cure ever!" Selena says, beaming at me.
"Best 'I've done too many drugs' cure," I joke back.
"You're such an idiot," she says, shaking her head as she sips her tea.
"Yeah, I went into full slut mode. I'm at my worst like that. I guess you're embarrassed about being associated with me now?"
"Just a little," she replies, looking thoughtful. "You're not going shopping today, are you? Are you going to come clean about why you're sneaking out early?"
I want to choose my words carefully before I answer. It's a fairly big thing to drop on her about Louise, especially knowing the feelings she holds for me. I'm still supposed to be a boyfriend to Selena whilst our current arrangement stands, despite my best efforts to sabotage it to protect her.
"I'm hoping to see my daughter today," I confess, unable to find it within me to lie.
Her intrigued face turns to horror as she realises what I mean by that, and I feel awful that I have to hurt her like this. I also need to tell Liam, and I feel within my heart that I'm cheating despite being on a break with him.
"Oh my god! Are you fucking your ex?" she yells, attracting the attention of everyone else around us.
"I need to see Rebekah. I haven't seen her since before Christmas. Do you have any idea how that feels?" I try to explain.
"I guess I don't..." she says, burying her head in her hands. "She sounds fucking crazy to contact you for something like this, and you're moronic for going along with it."
"Actually, I'm not surprised by it. She's done it before, and I'm guessing she's no longer with Bradley, so she wants me back. I don't expect you to understand, but I'll do anything to spend time with my daughter."
"So you're just going to leave Liam?"
"I guess so. I'm really sorry, Selena, but my child comes first, always, and my feelings for others come second. I'm prepared to try to forgive her if she asks me because I desperately need Rebekah back in my life."
"Where are you taking her?" she sniffs.
"It's best you don't know that..."
I look at the time on my phone and see that it's already eleven-thirty. I need to wrap this up, even though I don't feel like I'm ready with how nervous I am. I quickly down the rest of my Americano and push my plate away, knowing I can't delay it any longer. I can't be late under any circumstance.
"Is it time, then? Are you okay?" she asks impassively, hiding the anger she had initially shown.
"Not really. I'm bricking it, to be honest. I don't even know if I'll be able to perform with the state I'm in," I sigh.
Outside, I hug her tightly to me, knowing there's a chance I may not be able to see her again. She's mad about what I'm doing, but she's still showing me warmth and kindness even when I don't deserve it. I'm going to miss her so much if I never get to talk to her after this. Removing a twenty from my wallet, I hand it to her and insist she takes it for a taxi back to her's instead of getting a train.
There's a small weight off my mind knowing that I only have to tell Liam now. Selena knows, and despite being disapproving, she doesn't hate me. I don't get it, but I don't seem to be able to do anything too wrong in her eyes. She's shocked, but she isn't berating me to the extent that Liam does.
Slowly, I walk around the corner and with fifteen more minutes to kill, I pop into the nearest shop for a bottle of water and some chewing gum. I then go into the bank to empty the majority of my savings.
I sit on the bench outside Waterstones, sipping from my bottle of water feeling nauseous, and switch off my phone. It's only a matter of time until Liam realises I'm missing and I'm not risking the interruption. I haven't even committed the betrayal yet. Still, I feel guilty that I'm planning to leave him if it ensures my access to see Rebekah. If he calls, I may struggle to go through with it.
"Matthew," a voice purrs behind me.
I turn around and see Louise, wearing navy skinny-jeans, and a long-sleeved blue and white striped jersey top. Her brown hair is curled like she usually has it, and apart from some mascara and eyeliner, she isn't wearing a great deal of makeup. Her look hasn't changed at all, and it feels almost dream-like to see her before me.
"Louise," I respond, getting to my feet.
"I half expected you to chicken out," she grins.
"I never chicken out of anything."
"Good, well, we'll take my car. I hate the way you drive."
I follow her back to the car park, not admitting that I didn't drive and when we reach her car, I take a good look at her number plate before I get in the passenger seat. It's a grey, respectable, family-friendly Honda Civic and I see a car seat strapped in at the back. I feel odd knowing my daughter was probably recently here.
I hand the details of the hotel over to Louise, and after putting on her glasses and setting up her sat-nav, she pulls away. I take a glimpse over her as she drives, but there are none of those feelings I used to hold for her. I glance down at her practical, brown ankle boots and they're not doing it for me either. This just feels strange and seedy, and I have no idea how I'm going to manage to get it up once we get there.
We check into the hotel immediately, then head straight up in the lift to our room. Louise appears to already be trying to flirt with me as she twists her hair, but I don't make a move. There had been a time when I could barely keep my hands off of her, but clearly, that's changed. After what seems like an age, we reach our floor and the doors ding open. I exit the lift swiftly and walk ahead of her to unlock the door with the keycard. The sooner this is done with, the better.
I sit down on the bed and contemplate opening the minifridge for some liquid courage, but then opt against it. I'm already feeling bad for being hungover when I'm hopefully going to see my daughter and more alcohol won't help with that. Louise heads straight into the bathroom, leaving the door open as she undresses and gets in the shower. I quickly take that moment to cover my scars the best that I can with the makeup I'd brought with me and move out of her view.
The spray of water ends, and as I quickly shove the makeup back into my pocket, Louise comes out wrapped in a towel. She gives me a curious look, clearly wondering what I'm up to.
"Just switching off my phone," I lie.
Louise sits down on the edge of the bed then beckons me over with her finger. I try to switch off and detach myself from my feelings as I walk over on autopilot. Leaning back, she unwraps her towel, revealing her breasts then opens her legs, indicating what she wants. I fall down to my knees before her, place my hands on her thighs and tentatively part her with my thumbs and lick upwards.
"Touch me, Matt, the way you use to..." she orders.
I slide my fingers inside her warmth, then continue to use my flattened tongue to caress her, gradually increasing the pressure and then circle around.
"Oh, yes... yes! You still have your piercing..." she sighs.
"Mmhmm."
"Don't stop! Ah. You're so good at this... I've missed it."
Rapidly I flick against her clit, but unlike last night, I feel no connection whilst I do this. This is only a means to an end.
"Ahh! Mmm..."
Her thighs shudder around my head as I bring her to climax. This has been the easier part. Actually having intercourse will be difficult. I take a sip from my bottle of water to delay as I glance down at my jeans. I need to become aroused. I've never had any form of stage fright like this before.
"I need to go to the bathroom for a second..." I say quietly.
"Sure, don't keep me waiting too long."
I lock the door behind me and lower my jeans to try forcing myself to become aroused by stroking my cock, thinking about the sex from last night. I should have brought some porn with me and a viagra.
"Come on, we can do this!" I whisper, trying to give myself a pep talk as I rapidly run my hand over my reluctant cock. I haven't had enough time to mentally prepare myself, especially after such an intense night which isn't helping.
There's a knock on the door.
"Are you okay in there?" Louise asks.
"Just a minute!" I yell back in response.
Thankfully, I manage to get myself into a semi and quickly pull my jeans back up to come out. I'll work with what I can and hope for the best.
"You were a while."
"Honestly, I'm just nervous," I shrug.
"Have you been a hermit all these months and forgotten how to use it?" she teases.
"Um, no. Can we just get on with this?"
"Fine, whatever. Strip out of those clothes for me," she responds, jumping back on the bed. Slowly I remove my clothing, starting with my shirt. I unzip my jeans and drop my underwear. "You've been working out. You were in good shape before, but you seem stronger?"
"I've been lifting weights and jogging," I shrug.
She beckons me into the bed with her then parts her legs again, inviting me in.
"Make love to me, Matthew..." she sighs.
Fuck, she's making this even harder for me, and I don't know if that's deliberate. Grasping my cock firmly, I stroke myself several times then immediately put on a condom. As she smiles at me, I gently enter her, using my thumb to push in my not fully erect member and start to move my hips. It feels all wrong. I find immense enjoyment even from one-night stands, but apparently, my emotions do affect me to the point I'm very much turned off by Louise, regardless of how attractive she is.
With my mind finally detached from the act, I'm now wondering whether my body would have the same reaction to Charlotte. I envision angry sex with her would be amazingly good, but there isn't anything to gain by fucking her.
"Matt?" Louise asks, placing her hand on my cheek.
"Yes?"
"Are you even paying attention to me?"
I look into her intent green eyes and over her, youthful, clear complexioned face. Her, brown, curls flow over the pillow behind her, and I have that sudden realisation that she is actually here, beneath me and I need to find out why after all of this time.
"Why did you call me?"
"Because I missed you," she smiles sweetly.
"I find that hard to believe. Turn over, you know I prefer it rougher..."
I actually prefer the intimacy of missionary sex, but only with someone I'm in love with or have a connection to. I can't bear to look at Louise's face, especially with her smiling at me. Rough, sex from behind will be better.
Instead of turning around, she places her other hand on my face and kisses me on the lips. I don't open to her, wanting nothing to do with that tongue of hers.
"Kiss me, Matt. Like you use to," she sighs. "I made a terrible mistake. I want you to like me again."
"If I refuse?"
Tears well at her eyes and flow down her face, and I can't help but feel guilty. I'm not the one in the wrong here.
"Matthew, all I can think about is you. I still love you, and I want to get back to trying to make this work over time? I made a horrific mistake, and I was hoping we could try again and be a family. I want you to love me."
"A family? Be a family again..." I reply, taken aback.
"Yes. Rebekah needs her Dada. I was stupid and drunk when I met him, and I got carried away. Have you never made a mistake like that before? Where you don't realise what is already in front of you? That the person you're with is truly the person, you love?"
I look at her sad, tearful face. She actually misses me?
"Louise..."
"Please? I was hoping you'd forgive me. It was a mistake."
Her hand starts to stroke my hair. She is lying, surely? She wraps her arms around my neck and buries her head against me, taking comfort against my chest. Her soft hair rests under my chin, and I smell the scent of vanilla and jasmine. She's still wearing that perfume that drives me wild.
My body starts to respond.
I tilt her head up to me and kiss her gently then passionately, thrusting my tongue into her mouth. Her hands scratch up my back, eliciting a growl from me.
"Louise, don't do that. I might get carried away..." I warn.
She digs her nails in,...
