Ever since I've been visiting Lushland, I've been inundated on a daily basis with heart-wrenching private messages seeking my advice. Now I have enough problems of my own without having to pay attention to other people's and I have no idea why they would consider me to be some form of sage. But write they do. A little while back, I decided I might publish some of these messages and my responses for the greater edification...

  1 April 2021   Ms Cum Girl Cum Cottage Lower Snatch Dripping Cunnyshire   Dear Ms Cum It has been brought to our attention here at 'The Daily Heil Publishing Corporation' that the saddo website you're so fond of frequenting is hosting an international competition, and that as a saddo of minor repute and standing we expect you to fly the flag for this Sceptred Isle.  All of us here at 'The Daily Heil Publishing Corporati...

Unfortunately there has been some harrumphing and possibly a bit of a kerfuffle at the use of the word 'saddo' in the first 'Dear Cum'. I do understand that this is inflammatory language of a derogatory nature and that people might have felt offended. However it was the considered opinion of my lawyers, Bladdercock & Crapper, so I did write to them seeking clarification. Their reply:   Dear Ms Cum You are a saddo. Everyon...

Dear so called fucking CumGirl bitch I'm furious. Fuming. Livid. I've just spent the last three hours with my wand massager pressed hard against my angry clit in the hope that it will calm me down enough to be able to write and tell you what a fucking disgrace you are.  I hate you. How could you? That poor girl recommending that she spends the rest of her life as some form of bimbo slave slut for the patriarchy. How would...

I know I make this Agony Aunt thing look easy but it isn't. Basically you have to be truly incredible, sort of like Grace Kelly, Marilyn Monroe and Audrey Hepburn all rolled into one, with maybe just a dollop of Audrey Tatou on the side just for good measure. What you can't do is let your inner Joan Crawford or Judy Garland out. People don't like that. No they don't.  You have to be 'totes amazeballs'. Kind, sensitive, wi...

Once in a while, you're presented with a Gordian Knot of a problem that just can't be unpicked even by my slender, delightfully proportioned and perfectly manicured fingers. Problems where Alexander's solution of taking an exceedingly sharp blade to all those concerned may be the best way forward. But I don't normally approve of beheadings so I wracked my brain for an alternative and "eureka"... "What if I get the assorte...

When I was smaller than my current five foot and maybe one inch I used to have an eagle-eyed Sindy doll. If I remember correctly, which is very unlikely, she'd gouged her eagle-eyes from a Special Boat Service Action Man (GI Joe) that she'd been carrying on with on the side. Now most Sindys were middle class housewives in waiting but not mine. Oh no. Mine was a white trash council house gold digger who with her eagle-eyes...

So that's what hate mail looks like. Another one to tick off my bucket list. To be honest I'm fairly certain that many of the kind suggestions I've received are physical impossibilities and I probably ought to clarify that I don't live in a zoo. Additionally I have checked with Mum regarding the accusation that I am the bastard offspring of Eva Braun and Lucretia Borgia and she assures me that she's never been to either B...

Every once in a while I receive a letter from some deluded fool who fails to understand that this is a porn site and that all anyone is interested in is the before, during and after of exchanging seminal fluids. Saddos with real problems. Though when I say real problems what I don't mean is scraping together a life in bombed-out Aleppo or hunting for food in Yemen or even trying to navigate your way across South London as...

I thought we were quite done with these, but it seems that my publishers, 'The Daily Heil Publications Corporation', have a different opinion. We batted it back and forth for a few days without reaching much of a conclusion so they sent a couple of their brown-shirted and heavy-booted 'representatives' around to pay me a visit. Well, after a completely unjustifiable trampling of my hyacinths and the crystal clear implicat...

Following the incomparable commercial and critical success of 'Dear Cum - The Fools' I have been inundated with letters requesting that I publish the complete April Fool letter. Who would have thought that the adventures of a virgin, perky, pokie, bouncy, sixteen-year-old debutante would be quite so popular? And everyone seemed very excited about that family-favourite game, 'insects', that she was going to be playing. So...

WARNING: This 'Dear Cum' contains non-sexualised references and descriptions of vaginas. We appreciate this is unsettling and unnatural. Be assured that this is just a brief forray into the world of Medical Science. Vaginas are, of course, nectar oozing flowers of femininity to be worshipped, adored, ravaged, and abused. Their primary purpose remains that of cum receptacle.    'Performance' and 'review' are two words that...

This morning I popped down to Pret a Manger to meet up with my good friend Albert Einstein for a slice of red velvet cake with a vanilla butter-icing topping and a medium cappuccino on the side. "Albert Einstein," I hear you say in a somewhat incredulous tone. Yes, Albert Einstein! THE Albert Einstein. I gave you all a perfect opportunity to invite me out for a yummy little Pret-fest back in Dr Flappyduck, but did any of...

Now I don't know about you, but this global pandemic thingy has had a bit of a negative effect on my cash flow situation. Obviously, I've still got the blow job business which I've recently rebranded as 'Suck Jobs' with the fantastic new tagline 'swap seminal fluids not particulates', but at twenty quid a mouthful that's barely keeping me in lipstick and hosiery. So I've had to seek out new remunerative opportunities and...

So it seems that some of the big swinging dickheads down at Head Office have been getting their knickers in a twist at the lack of penetration in the eighteen to twenty-four demographic, which they'd know was bugger-shite if they spent as much time in their local park as I do because there's plenty of penetrating going on down there I can tell you. And some smegma-breathed, cunt-bitch (and yes, I am looking at you Janine)...

What, I've got to do another one? Is there no end to this unmitigated shitfest of hormonally imbalanced, self-pitying, tripe? You do know I've got a red carpet event tonight, don't you? Yes, of course it's an everyday occurrence what with being the world's premier agony aunt, but I've got to pop down to Hegleby Master Butchers for some thinly sliced, unsmoked bacon. Now, I'm not one to complain but that's one of the probl...

Now in the salad bowl of existence that is our multi-cultural, multi-racial, pantheist, pan-sexual world sometimes, it might appear that what divides us is greater than the sum of our shared humanity. So it is more important than ever that we can celebrate and, dare I say it, worship those most divine of creatures that transcend our petty divisions with the universality of their adorable essence. I am, of course, talking...

Dear BumGirl,'Hirsute trucker'!!! It was a pizza delivery moped as you well know, and I really object to you describing me as 'hirsute'. Certainly, you and your assorted collective of 'hen do' harlots and horny housewives didn't seem to object to the natural curls that adorned my pubic mound and lined my cunt lips. In fact, I distinctly remember one of them purring with delight at the sight of a 'natural redhead' and all...

Dear Cum Lush,My really hot wife recently fell down the stairs and the police couldn’t prove it wasn’t an accident, so that’s good. Anyway, she bonked her head and now she thinks she’s sixteen.The sex has been fantastic, although I think her mind is still degrading, because we’ve gone from, “are your parents home,” to “is your wife home,” to “is Mom home” and she keeps shouting, “Oh, Daddy,” which is kind of hot, except f...

I think we can all heave a huge and much-needed sigh of relief at the knowledge that we've all nearly reached the end and there isn't much more of this shit. So, splash yourself out a glass of pink poison, give it a little swirl in the glass so it refracts the light, and then chuck it down your throat not letting it touch the sides on its way down. Just consider it a medicinal necessity. And with that, let's go 'to the le...

Hello sweeties. Now I've always made it a rule in life not to talk about myself. I'm very much of the opinion that celebrities should be ethereal gods and goddesses and that nobody wants to know about your genital warts or that time you upchucked a five-course meal all over Anthea Stephenson's feather-cut, blonde-highlighted, sad excuse for a hairdo at 'The Annual Lifestyle & Wellbeing Weeklies & Periodicals Writers Award...