Ever since I've been visiting Lushland, I've been inundated on a daily basis with heart-wrenching private messages seeking my advice. Now I have enough problems of my own without having to pay attention to other people's and I have no idea why they would consider me to be some form of sage. But write they do.

A little while back, I decided I might publish some of these messages and my responses for the greater edification of man and woman kind, so I decided it might be best if I got some legal advice. My solicitors, Bladdercock and Crapper, came back with the following:

"Who cares. They're a bunch of saddos. Publish and be damned."

So with that sorted, here's the first message I ever received. 

Dear Cum

A few months back, I acquired a new girlfriend who generally has proven to be quite satisfactory. However, she does seem to have developed quite a fetish for sucking on my balls. In fact, she is so dedicated to the activity that they have become incredibly swollen and are now about the same size as a ram's (I have checked this). I'm concerned that if she continues with this obsessive behaviour, then I'm going to end up with bollocks of elephant-like proportions. 

Last night, I was settled down just about to watch the West Ham, Man City game (isn't it great having footie back on terrestrial TV) when, without a by your leave, she strips me half-naked, spreads my thighs wide, sucks both my squidgy swollen plums into her mouth, closes her limpet lips about them and starts sucking away like she's feasting on an extra thick milkshake (you know, like the ones you get at MaccyD's where the straw goes all soggy before you're halfway through). 

So there she stays, on her knees, suckling, her tongue occasionally slipping free of her pursed lips to tease my anus before returning to circle and caress my captured balls. The whole match. She didn't even pause for halftime and was still going strong through the after-match interviews. Now, one of the things that was most disconcerting was that throughout, she kept making these grunty whimpering noises and, on occasions, these were so loud as to drown out the commentary.  Do you think that her having her fingers buried and busy in her cunt might have anything to do with this?

Anyway, once the match was over, I was hopeful of getting some mouth on todger action, but no such luck, she wasn't removing her lips from slurping at my love eggs. Eventually, I just had to take matters in hand myself, slapping the base of my closed fist against her forehead as I banged a celebratory cum spurt out of my poor unattended penis. We won the footie, hence the celebration.

So Cum, what do you think? Should I ditch her? Do we have a future? Got to admit that she has a deliciously warm and inviting mouth and that she tastes heavenly when we have a bit of post-coital snogging but, fuck it, she nearly ruined the match.

Yours in anticipation

Pendulous Detectorist

Dear Pendulous

Thank you for your kind message.  I hope you don't mind but I printed it out and gave it to my husband.  I've been telling him for years that, if he paid my breasts more attention, that if he took them in his mouth, sucked them deep and masticated them to near-pulp, then they would surely respond to his attentions and swell into gorgeous fleshy bumps of joyfulness.  Certainly, it seems to work with every other part of the body and it's not like he has anything else to be doing whilst I watch 'Married At First Sight - Australia'.

But enough of me.  Now I don't think you need to worry about elephant-sized bollocks as I am fairly certain that elephants have theirs tucked inside, so if you are finding that they've swollen to the point where walking is difficult, then you might try pushing them inside.  It works for T-Girls and I'm sure it will work for you.

Now, who can blame the poor girl?  Maybe you can't truly appreciate the sheer sexual bliss to be obtained from worshiping a truly perfect pair of love eggs.  All that slurpy softness, the feather-light hair, the gentle throbbing, the pulsing heat, and the knowledge that they are jam-packed full of excitable, wriggly spermatazoa; it is all a bit much.  Quite often when I know I'm going to be without them for an extended period, such as when visiting Bayreuth for The Ring Cycle, I pop a pair of table tennis balls in my cheeks just to stop my mouth from sulking. Maybe you might try her on those as a substitute when necessary. 

I must say, I do think she is a keeper. It is hard to acquire such attentive devotion.  However, I do feel you may wish to consider 'acquiring' a second girlfriend with similar oral predilections but perhaps with a more penile focus.  Then you might benefit from their twin attentions though I do fear you may be required to turn the volume up a notch or two on your TV.

Hope that helps

Hugs

CG

Xxx