While on holiday with our parents, I needed to masturbate badly, but there was no privacy. I ended up asking my little brother if I could do it while he was in the room. This had evolved into other sexual contact up to and including oral – but not penetration.
Once we were home, I expected us to put this strange period behind us and go back to being like any other sister and brother. Yet we'd broken through a barrier and we occasionally still ended up together. Usually it was watching each other masturbate, but a few times, he came to my room to hand in semen when he'd ejaculated alone. He once secretly gave me some when I had a boyfriend over, so I swallowed two loads within ten minutes.
Ryan had been with his girlfriend for a few months and told me they were planning to have sex. He was a virgin, he told me, but she wasn't. As such, I'd helped him to prepare by showing him how to put on a condom, and we'd dry-hump with underwear on so he could safely feel what different positions were like.
On the big night, just as he was showered and about to dress, she'd called him and not only backed out of it, but dumped him. According to Ryan's account, she tried to justify it with some flimsy excuse about not being ready, but we both knew that was a lie.
'Ryan, I know it's hard,' I said, 'but forget about Marnie. You'll meet other women, one who's lucky to have you.'
'Why did she have to say we'd have sex then just – bam – that's it finished?'
'I don't know. It's not right.'
'It's not fair. She just dumped me.'
We talked about this for a while, the conversation beginning to go in circles. I reckoned he needed some release. I knew he'd avoided playing with himself too much ahead of the occasion.
'Ryan,' I said, running my hand down to his shorts, 'do you want to?' He gave a little enthusiastic nod. 'Let me shut the door.'
On the few occasions we touched each other, we had an agreement. I wanted him to be good at making a woman orgasm with his fingers, something my boyfriends were always hopeless at doing. So the deal was that he would have to get me off first, and then I would return the favour.
I considered letting him off under the circumstances, but I decided against it. I stood up and lifted my arms, letting him undress me, just as we'd practiced many times: top, jeans, then underwear. At that point, we hardly ever kissed on the lips, only elsewhere on the body. There was no rule against lips, but it simply wasn't our habit.
Once I was naked, I lay on the bed next to him as his fingers found their spot on my clit. He needed only a little instruction by this time, and it didn't take long before I felt the sensation begin to build up; it helped that I hadn't already masturbated that day.
After I orgasmed, we both licked Ryan's fingers. I put my panties back on as a barrier as his sperm sometimes flew everywhere. I then looked briefly at the clock before starting to undress him. I thought how he would probably have been well on his way to entering his first vagina by then, but he now had to make do with his big sister's hand.
I found myself thinking Well, he could use my vagina, but I tried to dismiss the words as quickly as they came. Even though what we were doing was hardly appropriate, that pushed it to a new level.
But I kept thinking about the possibility as I stroked his foreskin up and down. My brother believed he had it on a plate: he was a sixteen-year-old virgin about to pop his cherry with an experienced seventeen-year-old girl – at least by her own account. That's the stuff of teenage fantasises.
I inadvertently slowed my strokes right down, which caught his attention.
'A bit faster,' he said, 'I'm nearly there.'
'Ryan,' I said. He raised his eyebrows. Just like that third night in the caravan, I was hoping I'd be able to think of the right words as I went along. 'I'll... I'd like... I want to give you an option. I won't... it doesn't matter what... it's a free choice, all right?'
'What option?'
'I can either finish you off right here like normal, or... you know how... you know the condom you had for tonight? We could... um...,' the words were becoming harder, 'use that instead. Up to you. Doesn't matter what you choose,' I added, badly trying to play it cool, 'doesn't matter to me. I won't ask again.'
He looked thoughtful. 'Are you asking what I... think you're asking?'
'Just what you would have been doing tonight with Marnie, but with me instead. It won't be the same – nothing romantic,' I lowered my voice when I remembered our parents were in the house, 'just... functional, just a release.'
'Right.'
'And no kissing, and only from behind, so we don't look at each other.'
He looked thoughtful again, then gave an enthusiastic nod. I felt a weird sense of relief. If he'd said no, I didn't want any tension between us.
'Just like we practiced, then.' I took off my panties again. He found his condom and put on it just as I'd shown him. I was horny, but I still masturbated a little to help my wetness flow a bit more.
I went on my hands and knees, then balanced on one hand to open my vagina with the other. This was where I would find out what my little brother was like in bed.
I felt him finding the entrance with his penis and resting it there. Once it was in position, I removed my hand, expecting his first thrust, but he seemed to hesitate.
'It's just a release,' I repeated, 'and don't try to last, just finish as quick as you can.' I knew I wouldn't have time to orgasm, but I'd already had my fun. This session was about him now.
But that thrust still didn't happen.
'Are you not going in?' I asked.
'Yeah, in a minute.'
'I don't have a minute,' I said, knowing that was his way of giving an indefinite 'no'. I pushed my hips backwards and made him enter me. He didn't try to pull back. He let out a gasp as he slipped into his sister. 'And don't hold off, just think about Marnie or something.'
So this was incest? I found it just like being with any other boy, except I was trying not to think about the person I was with. From our humping sessions, we'd both become good at detachment and looking away from each other, even when we were face-to-face. I imagined I was with one of the boys from my masturbation group, then included other males in the fantasy. Ryan's penis was just there for the sensation and he would no doubt be thinking about women he wasn't related to.
It could only have taken two or three minutes before he ejaculated safely inside me.