Overheard: In a Tesco in Dublin
“Hey, Paddy! Wait up there.”
“Alright, Spider? Are you under orders?”
“Yeah, as usual. I’m supposed to be off today but Princess fucking Daisy at home decided we need fresher bread.”
“She was probably sick of looking at you loafing around the house.”
“She forgets who brings in the dough.”
“Don’t tell her that, or you’ll be toast.”
“Fuck you, I’ll just butter her up a bit, she likes that.”
“Being buttered up?”
“Yeah. I use my fingers.”
“What’s your technique? Do you wait until she’s asleep?”
“I tried that once, but she woke up. It didn’t go down well, Paddy.”
“Did she ever taste a sticky finger?”
“Yeah, but she couldn’t differentiate it from a chocolate eclair.”
“Differentiate? That’s a very big word for you, Spider.”
“I’d have put a bet on you slagging off the eclair.”
“No, I respect the eclair, Spider. I had a lovely experience with an eclair once.”
“Oh. Well, don’t leave me in suspenders.”
“Well, we were in Spain a few years ago.”
“Spain? Torremolinos?”
“No, Albufera. It was before we had the kids.”
“So, a good few years ago.”
“Yes. We had a day beside the pool, and it was scorching hot.”
“You can always have a dip if you need to cool off.”
“I know, and I did.”
“Did she?”
“No, she didn’t want to get her bikini wet.”
“She’s a wise woman.”
“Not really, Spider, because her core temperature went very high, and she was flappin’.”
“Was she alright?”
“No. I actually saved her life.”
“How?”
“I carried her up to the apartment to cool her down, but we had nothing in the fridge except two chocolate eclairs that she bought the night before in the Plaza.”
“Ok.”
“She was struggling to catch a breath. I waved that morning’s Daily Mirror over her, but she couldn’t get any relief.”
“Jesus!”
“I got her to take her bikini top off, so she’d be cooler.”
“Did it work?”
“No, she was still just as hot.”
“What did you do then?”
“I took her bikini bottoms off then.”
“No joy there either, I’d say.”
“None whatsoever. I tried to call the doctor again, but there was no answer.”
“Jaysus!”
“I tried the cold-water tap, but the water was lukewarm.”
“I hate that cunt.”
“Who?”
“Luke Warm.”
“Fuck off! Lukewarm not Luke Warm.”
“That’s what I meant!”
“Shut up, will you? Now where was I?”
“Albufera.”
“Yes, so she was naked on the bed and running a temperature.”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“So, I thought of how an immersion works in a hot water cylinder.”
“You gave her hot water?”
“No. Will you stop interrupting me?”
“Sorry, I thought you were going to say that the hot water had some kind of chemical reaction that caused her to cool down.”
“No, I saw that movie myself. It was just a movie.”
“Oh, that’s right, sorry. Carry on.”
“So, I thought that, in the same way that a hot element is inserted into water to heat it up, an equal and opposite reaction would be felt by inserting a long cold chocolate eclair into the wife’s box.”
“You fucking didn’t.”
“I didn’t what?”
“You didn’t stick the chocolate eclair in your wife’s box.”
“No, I fucking didn’t. I ate the two of them because she couldn’t eat one. The best experience of my life.”
“And what about your wife?”
“Ah, she’s not a big lover of eclairs, Spider.”
