I didn't know where else to put this, so I came to the Tank. You all know I can be wordy but I'll try my best to be as short as possible.
I have a friend I met online several years ago. Over the years she and I have become close friends and confidants. We are not in a sexual relationship.
She grew up in a religious family/household and her grandfather was a preacher. Either of some non-denominational church or baptist, I forget which one. In high school, she got pregnant. Her grandfather forced her to put the child up for adoption and then stand before the congregation and confess her sins. As you can imagine, this has left a lasting impact on her.
When she and I became friends, I knew she was married. To a not-so-nice guy. She'd fallen out of love and he was not ready to move on. He is extremely jealous and possessive of her (even though HE is the one that wanted them to swing. he got off on her fucking another dude while he was there.. like she was his possession to share.. she hated it and thankfully, that phase passed) and he basically stalked her. He works with computers and bugged her phone. He installed a tracking device in her car. He forbade her from working.
He is often verbally and psychologically abusive, but rarely physically. If ever... but once.. we'll get to it. Once he found her in a car with her bf. That night, he grabbed her up, took her phone and keys, forced her into a car and dropped her off at a hotel. Somehow, the next day, she made it home. That's happened more than once.
Another time, after some blow up or another, he got really high on something. I dont' recall what. Taht night, he was out of his mind. He forced himself upon her, and while she didn't resist, she was fearful of him. He did his thing and then she balled up in bed when he fell asleep. So, basically he her even though she won't admit this to herself. Has said many times to me that he'd "never physically hurt me" and that night "he didnt' know what he was doing".
After a long time, a couple years, she finally mustered the courage and just enough money to leave him. I should mention, during the time she and I spoke, she became involved with an old bf, whom she still loved. He was also married but in the process of separation/divorce. She got into gov. housing and found a full time job and a night/part time job. She has seen a therapist for several years, so she was always working on her mental health.
Her ex hates her bf and he has tried to sabotage his career as a police officer. Once out of the house, her ex, who never did much with their children (that was her department) he became attentive to them and convicned them that she was a horrible person. And, that her bf was worse. Like, child abuse type worse. They refused to visit her and made an ultimatum. Him or them. (you can bet your ass this is all manipulation from her hubby)
Sadly, one day she took too much medication (intentionally or not, i think not but..) or the wrong mix, and she lost control. Her bf entered her apartment to find her holding a gun (the one he'd given her for protection) aimed at her chest. He got the situation under control. Somehow some kind of way, with good intentions, he took her phone and replied to her kids texts. They figured it out.. yadda yadda yadda.. hubby got involved and had her sent to a hospital where she stayed for a couple weeks. Once she was released, she went back home. Home with her hubby and her kids. Not sharing a room or bed with hubby, but there. Again under his roof and control.
She's been there for a few weeks now and was about to return to her apartment. He has blocked that move. He says that if she goes back to that apartment or even a new/different one, her bf will be able to visit. And he will not allow that. If she goes, he'll prohibit their kids (and one of them has toddlers) and grandkids from visiting AND he'll file papers revoking her parental rights with her recent mental breakdown as proof. So, she's stuck. Can't leave. She's accepted she can't be with bf anymore. That just isn't in the cards.
She will be returning to work soon and she will still have her own bank account, the one she started when she first left home. I don't know how long that'll last. He will slowly begin regaining more and more control over her. Eventually, he'll gain access to her money and leave her just enough to pay for gas and personal items. But, not enough to save for the future (when her kids turn 18 she plans to leave.. but you know about the best laid plans..). Then he's going to try to keep her from going to work and/or sabotage her at work. By the time the kids are gone to college, he'll have her completely dependent on him again.
So much for being short.. but I felt I had to give a solid view into her life. Psychological abuse is so much harder to deal with/prove.
I ask you... what can she do to help her situation? I've mentioned for a while that she needs to document anythign his says or does. Since he isn't physically violent, there's never any bruises or broken dishes/walls/furniture for her to photograph and document. She needs to screenshot and save any texts that are abusive or threatening or manipulative. But, it'll take alot of those to show a commonality?
I've mentioned she needs to hide a copy of her car key someplace she can access it, in case he throws her out again. And, I'll suggest a prepaid Visa with $100 or so on it, in case she's dumped at a hotel again. Maybe hide it in her phone case or anywhere she can grab it in the heat of the moment? Fuck, I don't know. She has an attorney but hasn't been able to pay the full retainer, so the lawyer hasn't been much help. And now that's she's back home, it'll be hard for her to get away to see any atty. I can't report him to the police because they already know of the affair and her hubby will claim her bf is the one reporting him and that'll complicate things even more. I could get her to call a hotline, but unless she's ready to report him on her own, there's not much that can be done with that. With the added threat of losing her kids, she won't jeopardize that.
Any advice you could give would be helpful. Very few in her life know the whole situation and she has little support. Even her folks want her to stay married and be "happy" with her hubby. My involvement and help is almost exclusively email/online. My own personal status makes it impossible for me to help in person.. and my presence in her life would further enrage her hubby. She's in no immediate danger right now, but the slow process to gain control of her is back in full swing. I say we have 2.5 years to save and plan for her exit. How can we make that transition go better than worse?
Sorry, to be so damn long winded but I felt this couldn't be expressed in a couple paragraphs. This woman's life and well being is on the line.
