Santa couldn't make his mind up, Naughty or Nice? The bearded cockster was in the midst of the kind of dilemma he always had in the run-up to the big day.

The first Christmas Day knobbing was something Santa always looked forward to. He always celebrated the midnight tea break fuck with a loud shout of "Christmas is cumming!" after he had fired his shot of Santa sauce onto or into the lucky recipient.

Slippery Sally and Tight Squeeze Louise were tied neck and neck in their battle for the Golden Tissue trophy. Sally had reached the final before, but Santa had piles that year and so had decided he needed something nice instead of the filth that was Sally's trademark and occasional skidmark.

Sally and Louise were rivals, but it was all good-natured and friendly. Having a first Christmas Day knobbing from Santa was great to have on your CV, but friendship was important too.

Santa decided a wank off was the way to go to decide the winner of the competition. Slippery Sally felt this was a fair method to sort things out, and Tight Squeeze Louise did too.

"May the best hand win," the elves said as they shared an intimate hug before the wank off began.

When Sally suggested tossing a coin to see who got the first crack at Santa's sword, Louise was worried the reference might go over the heads of some of those interested from the other side of the Atlantic. Sally, however, was less concerned

"There could be all sorts flying over people's heads if we bring our best game to the wank off. I suppose tossing a coin seems as odd to some as jerking a chicken does to others." Sally said thoughtfully.

In the end, Sally was first up with her milking stool, and Santa nodded his approval as she magicked an absolute beauty with her Marmite-coated fingers.

As Louise watched Sally in action, she produced a mobile phone out of nowhere, in the way only characters in a random tale can. She typed an email to Marmite, suggesting a campaign involving the current scene might convert some of those who hated it. History would reveal her message never received a response or fresh approach from the recipient either.

Sally gave it all she had in the wank off, and the air was filled with the sound of cheers, together with Santa's joyful jizz, as it flew through the air like his sleigh and his reindeer crew on the big night.

"My knob looks like it's been up a jacksie, not stroked to the finish line with the help of yeast extract," Santa commented, as the brown hue of his cock turned him unusually poetic.

With Sally having extracted from Santa with yeast extract, Louise knew the pressure was on. Santa also did once Louise had curled the cheesegrater around the palm of her hand.

As Louise began, her mind drifted to her own brief encounter with a cheesegrater from Sainsbury's and how a lump of Parmesan had added to the excitement. On that occasion, the cheesegrater had been a bloke who grated cheese in the supermarket rather than a bit of metal with holes in it, but that didn't matter, really.

Santa was reminded happily of elves' beards by the sensation of the grater, which meant it hit the spot well. The crowd gasped as sparks flew but cheered loudly as a shot of Santa's salty solution launched skyward to a stereotyped 'ho, ho, ho' from the big cheese of Christmas.

Had there been bedsheets on the floor for the wank off, they would have been impossible to separate after it, and the same was true for Sally and Louise. Santa declared a tie and said both would be invited to the midnight ceremony, which was due to begin in just a few hours.

"Naughty and nice!" Santa said, punching the air, his fist narrowly missing Rudolf, who'd wandered in from another story wearing his latex antler sheaths.

After dishing out hand jobs, Sally and Louise returned to their day jobs. There were some last-minute orders to tidy up and a splash or two of Santa sauce also, but, in truth, they were just going through the motions like a turd inspector.

With midnight approaching, Sally and Louise took up their positions as Santa had a glass of Buckfast and lit a roll-up.

As the bells chimed, everyone sang, "I saw Sally sucking Santa Claus." Well, everyone except Sally, who hummed the song while she was stuffing herself with Santa pork.

Once Sally was locked on, Santa got his chops busy on Louise as a chorus of "Get down on it" rang out. It was emotional.

Tight Squeeze Louise was just the type of challenge Santa was up for, and he rose to it. Since he was on a dive jive with her and Slippery Sally was tucking into his tackle, Santa's arousal was not surprising.

Sally could hear Louise starting to say the alphabet backwards, and so she knew her co-worker was on the verge of collecting a mouthful very soon. This was enough to send Sally into a noisy, nice time as Santa groaned and sent a cupful over her tongue.

"F, E, D, C, B, A." Louise bellowed as the sound of Sally's delight pushed her over the edge, and a three-way chorus of cherubs sang as they rattled their collecting tins.

The three-guest pleasure party was a fitting way to mark the start of Christmas Day, although Santa had put the clocks forward four hours to keep everyone focused, which meant it wasn't actually here yet.

Sharing the prize in the wank off competition made sure Slippery Sally and Tight Squeeze Louise became friends for life. Santa also got presents dished out on schedule, just as he'd done with the contents of his cock earlier.

Everyone expects there to be a tie for first place every year from now on. Santa knows there will be. Tie-breakers are fun, and joint winners are even better.