For most people it will depend on the balance they have between the mental stimulation and the physical, and on how much of each they've had before the "beginning" of masturbation. An orgasm is a pretty intricately balanced set of phenomena, and of course, there are several routes to the same outcome.
When we're inexperienced, a lot of the stimulation that happens before orgasm is mental. There's typically a lot of anticipation involved, and that anticipation actually gets us prepped for orgasm before touching begins. That's where the classic one-thrust nut-bust comes from... the anticipation of actually (finally?) having sex gets the young man so worked up that the physical sensation is not important at all; it's just that thought that he's performing the act.
As we get more experienced and we learn our bodies better and get our minds a little more used to the act, it takes more physical stimulation to get us off, and the mental stimulation tends to be a lot less integral - we now are used to the idea that we are sexually active, and now we're more interested in learning what buttons we have and how we like them pushed.
Then, once we know our bodies pretty well and the idea of having sex is not so over-exciting, it becomes a lot more about mind-play and mentally/emotionally complex interactions between physical and mental states. These typically take a lot more time to develop than just yanking the meat stick, so as we get older, most men take longer to get off. For me, a long anticipatory period will still very often lead to an ability to get off quickly; an afternoon quickie is a heck of a lot more doable if the wife and I exchange some choice texts earlier in the day and the mental juices get flowing in advance of the physical ones.
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aparootsa
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 43
0 miles · Denver
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Quote by p4ml
I think the key word here is: affair - which implies lies and deceit.
There may be any number of reasons for this deception and, until I discovered the underlying cause, I am not sure I can say how I would react. I am guessing that if she said it was because she preferred her female partner to me, then I would feel angry and betrayed because she didn't have the grace to make a decision to choose, but leave it to the vagaries of a possible discovery. If however, she just wanted to experiment, then I would offer her all the support in the world - regardless of the final outcome. We only have one life, so live it, but be honest about it.
Too serious???
This is exactly the key here. A monogamous relationship (whether implied or explicitly agreed upon) has to be based on trust, and an affair is by nature a betrayal of that trust. Of course a relationship can survive such a betrayal if the two involved want it to, but I would be seriously wounded if my wife cheated on me with anyone, whether that cheating was sexual, physical or emotional. If I'm not providing something she needs, she needs to talk about it with me, and I'd be willing to talk things over and would at least consider allowing her to step out if that's what it took. Then it wouldn't be cheating and would likely enhance our relationship rather than erode it, since I would feel that even though I couldn't meet her needs, I'd be helping her fulfill them. And knowing her, she would feel very "taken care of" rather than fearful of discovery.
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Not sure where you're getting your data, but the gals you describe sound suspiciously like porn stars... who are, after all, paid to act like sucking a dong is the best activity they've found since people got kicked out of Eden. Having actually talked to many real live women about their sex lives, I can tell you that there is a range, and most women are not into sucking any old dick that happens across their path. The majority are not all that into fellatio for its own sake, but may be interested in the person the dick is attached to, and if she is interested in him and he is interested in having her suck him off, then she's happy with that. Among those, there are tons who are not interested in swallowing at all, and many who are just tolerant of the act but really enjoy the pleasure they give their partner.
If you were to take a large-sample poll (I'm sure someone has done this) of straight and bi women and gay and bi men, I would be willing to bet that the gays and bis are more into giving a blow job than the straight women simply because you would get a lot more sexually inhibited folks in the straight group. You'll be hard pressed to find a straight dude interested in giving a random blow job, but would have a lot more luck looking for dudes willing to give a BJ to a specific guy or in a specific situation.
If you were to take a large-sample poll (I'm sure someone has done this) of straight and bi women and gay and bi men, I would be willing to bet that the gays and bis are more into giving a blow job than the straight women simply because you would get a lot more sexually inhibited folks in the straight group. You'll be hard pressed to find a straight dude interested in giving a random blow job, but would have a lot more luck looking for dudes willing to give a BJ to a specific guy or in a specific situation.
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I second mrd82's suggestion. And I think you should do some serious reflection on why you're attracted to her and what your intentions are. Look at your past relationships - are you still on speaking terms with your ex-girlfriends? Have you done things you regret? Have you been an a-hole? Do their parents still approve of you? If you're the kind of guy who is on good terms with exes, I think you're in a pretty good position here, because you can have a relationship with her, and if it ends and you have been good to her, you'll still have your mate. If not, I'd be very cautious because if you're bad to her, he's likely to take her side.
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I second mrd82's suggestion. And I think you should do some serious reflection on why you're attracted to her and what your intentions are. Look at your past relationships - are you still on speaking terms with your ex-girlfriends? Have you done things you regret? Have you been an a-hole? Do their parents still approve of you? If you're the kind of guy who is on good terms with exes, I think you're in a pretty good position here, because you can have a relationship with her, and if it ends and you have been good to her, you'll still have your mate. If not, I'd be very cautious because if you're bad to her, he's likely to take her side.
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I think some of it has to do with the joy of acting. Just like little kids like to dress up as cowboys, princesses, pirates, and all kinds of other things, some men like to experience a taste of being the object of their admiration. Apart from that, many men feel there's not enough opportunity to express their feminine side in the rest of life. This is changing in some spheres of life; for example, it's much more socially acceptable for dads to be nurturing and warm rather than just bringing home the paycheck and disciplining kids. But in other spheres, we're still a pretty gendered society and feminine qualities are not seen as a plus in a dude. Doing things to feel femme is a way for these gentlemen to express those qualities.
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There's quite a bit of neurosensory pathway development that goes into the enjoyability of an orgasm. The pleasure centers of our brain have to be in sync with our parasympathetic (makes you hard) and sympathetic (coordinates ejaculation) nervous systems as well, and without using these interconnections, they become less strong after a time. How long? Depends on the individual, but there will be a "sweet spot" where everything will fire strongly and with the correct timing but you won't be "used" to the feeling anymore and your orgasm will hit like a freight train. For me, it's a week or so. More than that and it just doesn't feel as smooth.
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Every city of decent size, and most regions without a city, have a swingers scene. You may have to dig a little bit to find it, but probably not hard anymore. It will be cake to arrange whatever you could think of once you meet someone with ties to your local scene.
Being a relationship-oriented person, I myself would need to start with friends, and that could easily get awkward if you approach someone who's not open to the idea. I find, though, that as I go through my contacts, I can pretty easily identify some who would likely be willing to give it a whirl. These are people I've met through school, work, friends of friends... basically all it takes is a few dinner parties to know who is willing to kick off their heels and loosen up. My best advice for going this route is to pick friends who are not judgmental in general and ask.
Being a relationship-oriented person, I myself would need to start with friends, and that could easily get awkward if you approach someone who's not open to the idea. I find, though, that as I go through my contacts, I can pretty easily identify some who would likely be willing to give it a whirl. These are people I've met through school, work, friends of friends... basically all it takes is a few dinner parties to know who is willing to kick off their heels and loosen up. My best advice for going this route is to pick friends who are not judgmental in general and ask.
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I much much prefer to come inside. Part of it may be the fact that I have what my wife refers to as an external vagina, by which she means that I have a lot of feminine emotional attributes despite being a dude. One of these attributes is that I'm not nearly as visual as most guys seem to be; I really like to hold her close and feel our bodies move in concert as I have my spasms, and I like to then lay inside her and just be together. The emotional connection of being physically synced during orgasm holds far more pleasure for me, and that heightens the physical sensations that just can't be matched by an image.
On a less-personal note, I believe that dudes in porn used to be paid by cumshot, which necessitated coming where the camera could see. Later on in porn's maturation, they expanded guys' roles into a little more than cum-factory, but really not that much, so the cumshot is still often a determinant of pay, which is why it's so commonly seen in porn. In real sex, I'm 100% sure it's a lot less common to ejaculate outside, but apparently some dudes love it.
On a less-personal note, I believe that dudes in porn used to be paid by cumshot, which necessitated coming where the camera could see. Later on in porn's maturation, they expanded guys' roles into a little more than cum-factory, but really not that much, so the cumshot is still often a determinant of pay, which is why it's so commonly seen in porn. In real sex, I'm 100% sure it's a lot less common to ejaculate outside, but apparently some dudes love it.
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Quote by stephanie
For a First Post that's pretty fucking impressive...
xx Steph
I will second this admiration. I think that "in love with" can imply either a deeply reciprocated and explored relationship or the expectation of the same. If you have not very carefully explored the depths of your relationship with one of the people with whom you are in love, then it is possible that you very much and very authentically expect that you are truly compatible with both. And for that situation, I actually believe that it's possible for a person to be a very-close-to-perfect match with more than one person. If those two are also matches for each other, then I think it's even possible for 3 people to truly be in love with each other.
But I think that's very rare. More likely this is a case where there are two people who are providing aspects of connection that you need at this time, and I would advise honesty and openness toward both parties over any other values. My guess is that if either of them balks at the very thought, then they're in fact not all of what you need at this time in your life.
Last comment... to experience the feeling of being "in love" with two at once is in itself a treasure. Value it as such.
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Generally when a person seeks physical pain in order to "deal with" emotional pain, it's because they cannot deal with the emotional pain in a way that resolves the emotional pain. Assuming that the physical pain you're speaking of is temporary and not permanently damaging, it can be a healthy temporizing measure.
That said, the human mind, like the human body, is amazing at adapting to new norms. So you will need to find a way to really tackle the emotional issue underlying your desire for physical pain in the pretty near term; otherwise your emotional self will get used to dealing with emotional stress by experiencing physical pain, and it will take more and more pain to soothe the psyche. There's tons to write on this topic, but I will leave it at this for now and see what input others have before adding more.
That said, the human mind, like the human body, is amazing at adapting to new norms. So you will need to find a way to really tackle the emotional issue underlying your desire for physical pain in the pretty near term; otherwise your emotional self will get used to dealing with emotional stress by experiencing physical pain, and it will take more and more pain to soothe the psyche. There's tons to write on this topic, but I will leave it at this for now and see what input others have before adding more.
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I like both. My wife and I read aloud to get in the mood sometimes, and that can be a lot of fun. I do find that if either one seems contrived then it takes me out of the space and it's not a turn-on.
The thing is, you can find a lot more 'realistic' writing than you can find 'realistic' porn. And the stories tend to have more... well... story in them. So many porns are just meet, maybe 30 seconds of setup and then they're all very similar. When I find a porn flick with actual story, I actually find the sex scenes so much more enjoyable.
The thing is, you can find a lot more 'realistic' writing than you can find 'realistic' porn. And the stories tend to have more... well... story in them. So many porns are just meet, maybe 30 seconds of setup and then they're all very similar. When I find a porn flick with actual story, I actually find the sex scenes so much more enjoyable.
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I feel like the latecomer here, but as a guy I felt it was important to speak up.
My wife and I had a miscarriage about a year ago. We have one child and were way way excited to have kid 2. We were 10 weeks or so in, and we went in for the first ultrasound to find a gestational sac and a correctly-sized little one, but with no heartbeat.
We were both heartbroken to say the least. I happened to be on my OB/GYN rotation at the hospital at the time, and despite being surrounded by women in various stages of growing and birthing babies, I think it was helpful. There were a lot of reminders around, obviously, of what happened to us, but at the same time it was heartening to know that many of these women had a history of miscarriages and were now having perfectly healthy babies. It is kind of surprising how many women do have a miscarriage (or multiple); we all probably know several people who have had them; it's just one of those things that most people don't talk about.
As far as advice goes... I dunno dude. You have to deal with it in your own way, because it's SUCH a personal experience. I'm a helper by nature, so I was happy to be there and be strong for my wife, and that helped me get through it. Others may have to do some writing, yelling, sports, crying or running nekkid through the woods. Find what feels cathartic to you and do it.
My wife and I had a miscarriage about a year ago. We have one child and were way way excited to have kid 2. We were 10 weeks or so in, and we went in for the first ultrasound to find a gestational sac and a correctly-sized little one, but with no heartbeat.
We were both heartbroken to say the least. I happened to be on my OB/GYN rotation at the hospital at the time, and despite being surrounded by women in various stages of growing and birthing babies, I think it was helpful. There were a lot of reminders around, obviously, of what happened to us, but at the same time it was heartening to know that many of these women had a history of miscarriages and were now having perfectly healthy babies. It is kind of surprising how many women do have a miscarriage (or multiple); we all probably know several people who have had them; it's just one of those things that most people don't talk about.
As far as advice goes... I dunno dude. You have to deal with it in your own way, because it's SUCH a personal experience. I'm a helper by nature, so I was happy to be there and be strong for my wife, and that helped me get through it. Others may have to do some writing, yelling, sports, crying or running nekkid through the woods. Find what feels cathartic to you and do it.
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You need to go with the one she could pull off better. With these, they've been done enough that her persona will have to cover some distance to make them work well. Is she more a slightly-diplomatic rebel, or is she straight-up gonna rule the world using whatever she needs to use to do so?
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Quote by Guest
Never too late to learn new things - my wife discovered she was at least bi-playful though not totally bi in her thirties.
This. I had a single gay encounter in college. A guy I was honestly just friends with till one particular night, and I dunno. Magic happened, and we ended up fooling around a little. I really did like him as a person, and I guess I've always been accepting of homosexuality.
That said, when it came down to it, it just wasn't nearly as exciting with a dude as it had been with every single girl I've fooled around with. So, I'm not bi. Thought I might be, but I was just bi-curious.
I will say, I can be intrigued by a guy. Attracted to a guy. But it never seems as fun or exciting as a gal. And if it ever did... I'd ask the wife if she'd be down.
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From a strictly evolutionary standpoint, it's a form of sexual dimorphism. For dudes, it's evolutionarily advantageous to go for the most fertile females, which tend to be about 15-30 by most estimates. For women, on the other hand, fertility isn't as big a deal. Men are fertile from about 15-60 (or so), and within that range the older men (historically) have the most social ability to provide for and protect their kids. So that's that from a primal point of view.
From a modern social standpoint, I'd say it's not too much different. Men are typically expected to provide the funding in a relationship, and women... well... you are supposed to be entertaining. These roles are indeed changing (and not soon enough, IMO), but until each gender has similar expectations in relationships (this would need to be in culture as well as individual ones), there will likely be age-related differences, and therefore differences in ages of maximal attraction.
Last comment, these data are all in aggregate, and each person is their own experiment with an N of 1. As society becomes more accepting of non-average relationships I would surmise that data like these mean less and less from a predictive standpoint.
From a modern social standpoint, I'd say it's not too much different. Men are typically expected to provide the funding in a relationship, and women... well... you are supposed to be entertaining. These roles are indeed changing (and not soon enough, IMO), but until each gender has similar expectations in relationships (this would need to be in culture as well as individual ones), there will likely be age-related differences, and therefore differences in ages of maximal attraction.
Last comment, these data are all in aggregate, and each person is their own experiment with an N of 1. As society becomes more accepting of non-average relationships I would surmise that data like these mean less and less from a predictive standpoint.
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If your partner wouldn't want it happening, it's probably cheating. Some people I know honestly don't give a flying rat's patootie if their partner has sexual or emotional involvement with others, and for those couples where both are cool with that, neither one is cheating. On the flip side, if there's no agreement between a couple that it's ok, it's probably cheating.
Forgiveness... I think we all know it's a matter of the one who has been betrayed.
Forgiveness... I think we all know it's a matter of the one who has been betrayed.
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We watch together some, and I like it on my own some. Really I'm not too big into porn (videos at least) because they're so so so shallow or way too deep for the subject matter. Few of them really hit the sweet spot where there's enjoyment, some character building, and hotness all mixed in.
Pics are just me; I don't really know how to go about sharing them with her, but I'm guessing that'll come with time. She does know that I partake on my own and she's cool with it.
Pics are just me; I don't really know how to go about sharing them with her, but I'm guessing that'll come with time. She does know that I partake on my own and she's cool with it.
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Having seen those without either... I think one has to choose money up to the point where one can afford a place to sleep, food to eat, the other necessities of life. I can't imagine wanting love over that amount of money, because it would mean pulling my beloved into abject poverty with me, and that's just unacceptable. If I'm going to live that life, I'd rather live it alone.
If we're talking EXTRA of either one, love all the way. I don't need much money to be happy. Heck, enough for necessities (housing, food, basic clothes) and books is really enough for me. Add love, and that's a pretty darn good life.
If we're talking EXTRA of either one, love all the way. I don't need much money to be happy. Heck, enough for necessities (housing, food, basic clothes) and books is really enough for me. Add love, and that's a pretty darn good life.
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I think you should start getting a better idea who you're with before going down on them. If he doesn't go down on women, find out why. I don't particularly like the taste, so the deal is if she showers, she can have head. I also use a flavored lube (my fave is mint), which took some trial and error to find good ones. If he's opposed for other reasons, maybe good to explore them with him, but in general he's probably too selfish to be a good lover. Some guys have had specific trauma in the past, but it's overwhelmingly not related to cunnilingus, and it doesn't even begin to approach the number of women who have experienced sexual violence, and women do a pretty damn good job of getting past it with a sensitive lover and friend.
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To add another voice to the crowd, you should consider just trimming. I find short hair much more attractive than bald with irritated skin, and no I'm not a pussy, and no I don't just take whatever I can get. The reason I like trimmed and non-irritated is because I like my lover to be comfortable, and having inflammation in such a tender locale just isn't comfy.
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I'm with most of the above. You should first decide how much you want to keep your job. If it doesn't mean that much to you, then you should be up front about it with him; say you'd like to have a drink after work one day or something to that effect. If you have any interests in common, explore them there. You should also decide whether you just want sex or whether you're interested in a relationship; that can make a huge difference in how things go if it doesn't work out.
My rec: don't do it. If you do, be ready to not have a job, and if you get him and keep the job, you can be pleasantly surprised. If you don't get him and lose your job, you'll be prepared for it.
My rec: don't do it. If you do, be ready to not have a job, and if you get him and keep the job, you can be pleasantly surprised. If you don't get him and lose your job, you'll be prepared for it.
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My 2 cents is just a penny a word. Don't Lie.
The explanation of that is longer... not lying means knowing yourself thoroughly, which I'll wager you do not since you're uncomfortable with the situation.
You should sit down and write out the top 50 questions you think she'll ask you, and really explore both the facts and your feelings about all of them. That way, when she asks you, you won't be caught having to think through them fresh and talk to her about them at the same time. You've spent a long time living deceptions, and the only way you'll be able to come out of it feeling even remotely OK is to understand what you did, why you did it, what you did or didn't get out of it, and what you want from the future. If you know and are comfortable with all of that, and if you have the fortitude to be honest now, when the chips are down, then whether things go "well" or "nuclear," you'll at least come out having been true to yourself.
This is going to take some strength; you've been a real a-hole, and that's always hard to admit. But it will be worth it, because after a thorough and unflinching time of self-examination, you'll either be comfortable with your a-hole-ness or you'll know what specifically you need to work on changing.
The explanation of that is longer... not lying means knowing yourself thoroughly, which I'll wager you do not since you're uncomfortable with the situation.
You should sit down and write out the top 50 questions you think she'll ask you, and really explore both the facts and your feelings about all of them. That way, when she asks you, you won't be caught having to think through them fresh and talk to her about them at the same time. You've spent a long time living deceptions, and the only way you'll be able to come out of it feeling even remotely OK is to understand what you did, why you did it, what you did or didn't get out of it, and what you want from the future. If you know and are comfortable with all of that, and if you have the fortitude to be honest now, when the chips are down, then whether things go "well" or "nuclear," you'll at least come out having been true to yourself.
This is going to take some strength; you've been a real a-hole, and that's always hard to admit. But it will be worth it, because after a thorough and unflinching time of self-examination, you'll either be comfortable with your a-hole-ness or you'll know what specifically you need to work on changing.
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It's worth noting that the above scenario (and most of the previous posts as well) has completely interchangeable gender roles. Depression and burnout hits both sexes, and in most cases the solution is the same.
Some guys, especially those with vaginas for brains, find that once they have kids, they put in a full day at work, then come home, help their wife cook dinner, clean up and do other chores, get the kids ready for bed, and then just want to unwind for awhile before bed. Those who are in heavy careers will have pressure to put in some work before bed as well, and if they're not willing to sacrifice time with their kids, the wife has to suffer.
The fix for it? Try and share the "down time" that you do have, and share the load not only of child care, but other chores and work as well. If you both have jobs, you both should be putting in time in the evening doing household stuff. If one of you works and the other stays home, the day should be devoted to chores so that your evenings can be more free.
Talk to the one who doesn't want sex and see why. Until you understand the why you'll never "fix" the problem, and even once you do, there may not be a way to return to what was normal before. People do change.
Some guys, especially those with vaginas for brains, find that once they have kids, they put in a full day at work, then come home, help their wife cook dinner, clean up and do other chores, get the kids ready for bed, and then just want to unwind for awhile before bed. Those who are in heavy careers will have pressure to put in some work before bed as well, and if they're not willing to sacrifice time with their kids, the wife has to suffer.
The fix for it? Try and share the "down time" that you do have, and share the load not only of child care, but other chores and work as well. If you both have jobs, you both should be putting in time in the evening doing household stuff. If one of you works and the other stays home, the day should be devoted to chores so that your evenings can be more free.
Talk to the one who doesn't want sex and see why. Until you understand the why you'll never "fix" the problem, and even once you do, there may not be a way to return to what was normal before. People do change.
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As in most arenas of life, it depends. My basic guideline is that I don't talk bad about people, and this includes saying things that would make them squirm to have others know about. Apart from that, it depends on who I'm talking with, and like all guidelines, it can be broken if the situation is out of the ordinary. My wife and very few friends and family members really can ask me anything and get an honest and complete answer; if I want it to go no further, I just ask them and I've never yet been let down.
My other big rule I ask others to follow is "don't ask questions to which you may not want to know the answers." When a conversation turns toward dangerous waters, I generally remind my counterpart of this rule, and I've been pleasantly surprised to find that generally it makes them think a little more than they otherwise might.
My other big rule I ask others to follow is "don't ask questions to which you may not want to know the answers." When a conversation turns toward dangerous waters, I generally remind my counterpart of this rule, and I've been pleasantly surprised to find that generally it makes them think a little more than they otherwise might.