Being a Successful Fisherman in the Sea of Love and Lust
Please Note: For the purpose of this blog, I will be using the analogy of the fisherMAN instead of a fisherWOMAN, however these rules definitely go both ways and occur with both genders.
Reeling in the Big Fish
Let's say you've just met someone that sparks a bit of intrigue in you. Maybe it's online, maybe it was a chance encounter at a bar or at the library. When two people meet that have some kind of connection (either physical or psychological), it's like a moment of recognition on some level. Maybe it goes along the lines of, "hey this person gets me," or "hey, I think I am destined to star opposite them in their next cum-to-life fantasy". If you're lucky, you feel both.
After that magical first encounter where you both notice you have some kind of connection that should proceed forward, it's kind of like hooking a fish on a line. The question becomes, how to do you play things? Do you do a slow reel and before you know it, the fish is in your boat... Or do you play things fast and run the risk of them getting away. Everyone responds to different kinds of fishing styles, just as they respond to different kinds of bait. The important thing to understand is what style will get you further ahead with each individual.
The Perils of being an Overzealous Fisherman:
Admit it, you're a bit of an impatient alpha male. You see something, you want it, and you go after it. Lots of women will be initially attracted to your immediate charm and confidence. Your initial approach may be as subtle as a sledgehammer and if she's a confident one or appreciates your type of intense energy, she will recognize what you're doing and you will stand out from all the other lazy fishermen that are swilling beer and chatting with their mates on the boat and not paying attention to the exciting catches swimming by. You will have her attention and probably create a very positive first impression. Now where do you go from here?
Men and woman sometimes falter at this stage in the game. Their impatience and desire to skip through the stages of courtship can be like a starving person at dinner waving aside the appetizer and the main meal and ravenously digging straight into the cream-pie dessert. You know these types. You had a great first encounter. Maybe it was as simple as a better than average conversation, or maybe you found out you both share the same kind of unique interests or sexual desires or maybe it was a great hook-up after the bar. You went to sleep that night with a little smile on your lips thinking, wow, this person is kind of intriguing! Maybe you had a little wet dream about them. You wake up, interested to see how things play out. Then you check your phone and realize that overnight they have blown up your inbox and you have an endless assortment of text messages, photos and videos of them mouthing "good morning, baby!" and blowing you a kiss. They are now acting like you just bought yourself an -relationship without even realizing that you were at the check-out counter. Perhaps this is an exaggeration, but the sentiments are valid.
At some point everyone has been intrigued by someone only to feel like they moved things from a teasing "hmmm... this could have possibilities" into a full-throttle, impatient, vaguely obsessive "when can I see you, talk to you, fuck you, or be near you" again situation. Plain and simple... they got too excited. Both men and women are capable of falling into this trap of rushing from 'cool prospect' to an overly intense game-play that could very easily send the other person running, even though you initially had them hooked.
Of course, if you like the person, you want to get to know them better, and you're probably impatient to see where things go. It might be your nature to rush headfirst into things and deal with the crash and burn carnage of failures along the way as just collateral damage in getting what you want. And hey, at least you aren't wasting any time along the way. This is the antithesis of the friend-zone-guy. You're not going to shuffle along and waste six months pining for the object of your desires from the fringes, being happy to listen to her talk about other guys while you carry her textbooks or fix her computer, and then drop the big "I love you" only to see her cringe and wonder where the hell that came from since she now sees you as an asexual amoeba that is not ever going to morph into a viable partner.
The dilemma is this: Do you let yourself drift into friend-zone territory or do you rush her like a bull in a china shop and win her over with persistent impatience. The answer, of course is somewhere in the middle. Even a girl that is genuinely interested after that first interaction is going to feel a bit taken aback if you're too eager. There is something to be said about making things a mutual challenge or chase. You want to show interest, but you also don't want to overwhelm her like a hormonal teenager (unless you actually are one, that is).
Things To Remember:
* Be cool. On a scale of 1-10, you should be operating around a 6 or 7 on the burning-flame level of interest during the first little while.
* Most people like a little time to reflect on how they want to fit you into their lives (if at all). This is of course, assuming they actually have a life. If you're both co-dependent from the start, theoretically that can work too.
* Call or text her the next day after a particularly enjoyable or special interaction (whether it was a date, a webcam night, or an impressionable phone conversation). it shows you're interested. Refrain from texting every two hours. If she's giving you hints like "well, I'd better start my day now" or "Super busy, chat later!", that doesn't mean you should be checking in with her every few hours to see if she's free yet. Let her come to you. Express interest... then back off. It should be a push-pull mutual game play that works best. If you are the only one doing the work, you're probably on the brink of scaring her off.
* Maintain your own life and show her that you have one. Do not be offering to cancel the rest of your week or month so that she can become your sole focus going forward.
* Don't over-idealize someone that you don't know. It's human nature to want to imagine we have found something extraordinary and we often project other qualities or traits we want someone to have onto the object of our initial desires, without really knowing that much about them. Think about it. Is life usually that kind to you? Do you often meet preternaturally perfect human beings? Chances are, this person has their flaws, just like the rest of your exes and lovers.
* Keep your expectations of them on level with how well you know them. Yes, it may *feel* like you've known them forever, but the reality is that you haven't. Even though you may have just had 48 hours of bliss, you shouldn't be expecting fidelity, love, or that this person has nobody else on the go at the same time. Don't get jealous or needy. Just let things evolve naturally. If you act pissy because she's not doing everything you want her to do according to your needs/wants/timetable, then you run the risk of driving her away.
* Don't be a stalker. You will not see her every single day. Accept it.
* Don't give over too much information too quickly, even though the connection seems authentic and deep. There is a rush of endorphins when humans feel like another human is really 'understanding them'. We want to feel understood and accepted and loved. This may cause us to get too comfortable and confess all our faults or unzip the emotional-baggage WAY too early in a relationship because we are eager for the person to tell us 'they totally get it, and it's ok, they love us anyway'. Wrong. Love is not an instantaneous thing. We all like being fed bites of intense-info slowly, and not having it shoved down our throat, otherwise you may end up choking a good thing. Keep the skeletons in the closet until an appropriate time.
* If you feel any kind of urge to utter the words "I love you" at any moment within the first few months of knowing someone, please check yourself! It's not love. Pretending that it is, just turns it into cheap crack cocaine for the needy heart. And about a year after the final blow-up of this 'relationship' you will be agreeing with Auntie Olivia on that point too.
Happy fishing, friends! And don't forget ~ when in doubt, it's always better to underplay a situation, rather than overplay.
xx Olivia
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