Nervousness vs. Erectile Dysfunction?

21 Oct 2013

Olivia,

Thanks for your posts, I find your advice to be sound and practical and hope you have some words of wisdom to share with me.

I am in my 40’s and dating again. Most people tell me that I look young for my age and that I am sensual, attractive, and sweet. I live in a small College town and find it difficult to find many men my age, so I have been dating mostly 50+ year olds. I am trying to learn what is realistic, sexually-wise, when dating men in this age category as I have not been having the best of luck.

Most recently I meet a 52 year old man that looked healthy and certainly seemed interested in me but when we had our first night together, he was not able to achieve a full erection. I know that he did get fully hard earlier in the evening because I could feel him through his pants. I did not make a big deal out of it and dismissed it as too much to drink; plus life has taught me patience. The following day we tried again and after hours of foreplay he was not able to get an erection, nevertheless the evening was enjoyable in many other ways. I choose an afternoon “date” for our next encounter hoping to rule out tiredness and alcohol. During the third date, he almost achieved an erection but lost it quickly before we could use it although I used every single trick I could think off and was very engaged and fully participatory. At the end I asked him politely if he had ever considered using Viagra or at least having it around just in case. He said he didn’t need it, that it was just a matter of feeling comfortable with me, that he had always had this problem. He claims he can get an erection but he just hasn’t had sex with a woman in 2 years.

My question is: at what point do you decide if the issue is nervousness/lack of practice or a serious issue? I seem to be encountering either PE or an inability to achieve/keep and erection with the pool of men I have available for dating.

Thanks for your help.

14 Nov 2013

Quote by Hope9
Olivia,

Thanks for your posts, I find your advice to be sound and practical and hope you have some words of wisdom to share with me.

I am in my 40’s and dating again. Most people tell me that I look young for my age and that I am sensual, attractive, and sweet. I live in a small College town and find it difficult to find many men my age, so I have been dating mostly 50+ year olds. I am trying to learn what is realistic, sexually-wise, when dating men in this age category as I have not been having the best of luck.

Most recently I meet a 52 year old man that looked healthy and certainly seemed interested in me but when we had our first night together, he was not able to achieve a full erection. I know that he did get fully hard earlier in the evening because I could feel him through his pants. I did not make a big deal out of it and dismissed it as too much to drink; plus life has taught me patience. The following day we tried again and after hours of foreplay he was not able to get an erection, nevertheless the evening was enjoyable in many other ways. I choose an afternoon “date” for our next encounter hoping to rule out tiredness and alcohol. During the third date, he almost achieved an erection but lost it quickly before we could use it although I used every single trick I could think off and was very engaged and fully participatory. At the end I asked him politely if he had ever considered using Viagra or at least having it around just in case. He said he didn’t need it, that it was just a matter of feeling comfortable with me, that he had always had this problem. He claims he can get an erection but he just hasn’t had sex with a woman in 2 years.

My question is: at what point do you decide if the issue is nervousness/lack of practice or a serious issue? I seem to be encountering either PE or an inability to achieve/keep and erection with the pool of men I have available for dating.

Thanks for your help.

First of all you will have to forgive me for my recent leave of absence. A sabbatical of sorts was in order, though it didn't involve much rest. I guess I just feel better about doling out advice if I dive headfirst into a short series of questionable choices once in a while myself. That way, I can come to all of you from a place of experience.

Speaking of experience...

Do you think this guy watches a lot of porn? I ask because a short-lived recent dalliance of mine had the same issues. He was fit, he was young enough to do the job and he did not drink, so I was able to rule out whiskey-dick immediately. He could get hard...until I got naked. And once I was making contact with him, all he had to work with was a thin(ish) soft noodle. Poor chap. He made excuse after excuse, and much like you, I tried to get right back into the saddle since all else was satisfactory. But then it happened again. And again.

And finally, after I let him know in no uncertain terms that the window of opportunity for him had closed, he told me that he was porn-addicted. Maybe he did this so I would have closure, or maybe he did this because people tell me all manner of unsolicited personal details as a matter of course- I call it a gift in order to keep from getting creeped out by it.

Anyway.

He had to have porn to get off. Real women didn't do the trick anymore. Too much complexity, too much participation involved with actual people who may respond in unpredictable ways, and so his brain completely rewired itself to respond to porn, not poon. Could you imagine such a thing?

So I would say that's a definite possibility with the man you found yourself involved with. In fact, I think the evidence is mounting that a sizable percentage of ED (Erectile Dysfunction) cases are actually to some degree porn-related dysfunction. For many men out there who can't seem to get an honest seduction to happen, porn is free while women are not. Easy choice for them, no?

The next most likely scenario is essentially what happens when a man gets no action from women, but minus the porn compulsion. The pressure is so great for him that his arousal shuts down. He's not able to be "in the moment" because he's too busy worrying about performing. Paradoxically, this keeps him from performing at all. In other words, a classic case of ED. He's in denial, and that's natural. But I'll put it this way: if he's not comfortable enough to admit his ED problem to you, he's sure as hell not comfortable enough to overcome it with you!

Now, some tougher love is involved with the next possible scenario, which is:

He's not attracted to you.

And there's no accounting for taste, so don't take it as a personal insult. But let's be honest here, the difference between men and women is that a woman who likes a man but isn't sexually aroused by him will still want to hang out. She'll rebuff his advances but she will still value her time with him, am I right? But a man...a man will still somehow think that meh sex is better than no sex (especially if he hasn't had any in the last two calendar years) and he'll give it a go anyway. Plus he's what- 52? He wants to prove he can still get it up and get off on demand. Bad idea, Mr. Middle Age, your margin of error has left the building, along with the hair on your head and your muscle definition.

So those are the most likely culprits, my dear. In any case, he just wasn't right for you. He probably doesn't want your pity, but he deserves it anyway. Just be thankful that your bits seem to be in working order, unlike his. Hopefully, since it's been a few weeks, you will tell me that you've met another hot male specimen that can take care of business just fine. smile

Let me know, yeah?

Cheers!

18 Nov 2013

Olivia,

Welcome back but sorry to hear your “sabbatical” wasn’t that relaxing.

I have to admit that I was not aware of possibility #1, your observations have been very educational and I’ll certainly keep it mind if and when I encounter a similar situation again.

Not much to report except for a strangely rewarding FWB sort of situation. This sweet 50 year old has lived with extreme P.E. all his life, he even saw a doctor which prescribed a low dose antidepressant. He told me this ahead of time, which I thought was nice. I was surprised though that he didn’t even know what the PC muscle was. I have had experience with this issue so I asked him if he would like to work at improving his control. He was very open about it and I have to give him kudos for dramatically improving in just a few weeks! He literally went from lasting about 3 strokes to holding for about 8 minutes.

Wish more men were open like him!

Hope