It depends on how much you value this relationship.
People have different levels of what makes them "uncomfortable" when it comes to cheating.
Some don't consider anything cheating unless there is physical contact with another person, and others will consider sexting, exchanging naked photos and phone sex as cheating.
Your boyfriend seems to be of the latter persuasion.
You can try explaining to him that the photo sharing fulfills your exhibitionist side and that flirting and sexting with people is just for fun and no different than masturbating to porn and that you'd never meet these people in real life so he shouldn't feel threatened by any of it.
Maybe you should encourage him to do the same. Or does that make you feel uncomfortable to think of him taking photos of his dick to send to an online girlfriend and sexting her dirty messages when you're not around or your back is turned?
If that idea doesn't bother you at all, then you clearly just have differing opinions on what monogamy means in your relationship and probably need to have a talk if you want to maintain more of your sexual freedom. Or, you may find your relationship important enough to indulge him and play the way he wants to.
There's no right or wrong but if one person has a problem with what you're doing and considers it cheating, then something has to give in order to continue in a healthy relationship. It just depends on what's more important to you.
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Olivia
Over 90 days ago
Bisexual Female, 154
0 miles · New York
Forum
Active Ink Slinger
This question was sent to me anonymously by a Lush member:
"I fell in love with this guy (he is also in love with me) and it was going great. We have a lot in common, and for once I felt like everything was going in the right direction. I was happy and always smiling (which is actually something I rarely do). But a little while ago, an unexpected roadblock, a very big brick wall smacked me in the face (not literally of course), he is still married (he told me he was divorced, i actually found out that he was married by his wife) Long story short, the father in law called me and sounded like he was blaming it on me. After awhile, the guy started talking to me again and explained everything (complicated marriage that he has been trying to get out of since even before I started talking to him.) i'm still in love with the guy (he still loves me), yet i'm still hurt. And i'm slightly worried because the father in law has my number, and next week the guy is leaving and moving back to his home state away from his wife so he can finally get his divorced. (i'm worried that the father in law will keep calling me asking where he is.) So do you think I should stay in this and maybe change my cellphone number or, or should I just give up?"
The first issue in this situation is that this man deceived and lied to you about something extremely important. Given this kind of blatant and ongoing deception, this has to force you to question if the other things he has told you are true either. I might have given him a little more leeway if he had been separated at the time instead of totally divorced but clearly living in separate places from his wife and living mostly separate lives aside from the legal delays of an actual divorce. In this case it sounds like he was in the midst of playing both you and the wife at the same time. Otherwise the 'father in law' wouldn't have gotten involved and the wife wouldn't be having a meltdown.
Don't take the idea that he is finally moving back to his homestate and actively dissolving the marriage as a signal that it's because of his overwhelming desire to be with you. It's quite likely that after the wife and her family found out, they kicked his ass out of the house and he fled because he didn't really have a choice either way. If he had known right from the start that he wanted to be only with you then he wouldn't have played both sides of the fence for as long as he did. The fact that it was his wife that found out on her own and then chose to inform you of the situation speaks volumes.
Now it would be wrong of me to prejudge a situation based only on my superficial knowledge of it. There have been cases in the past where the 'other woman' gets her man in the end and gets the coveted title of wife #2. He may very well pursue this divorce properly and decide that you're the one he wants to start a new life with.
But...
Tread lightly, please. This situation is filled with potential landmines and emotional-bombs.
This guy will be going through a lot at the moment and probably has his plate filled while trying to start a new life and then dealing with legal disasters and a furious ex-inlaw family. It will be easy for him to want to cling to you initially as a safe supportive oasis that can offer him the relationship-style support he's obviously used to. Once the smoke clears however and he is totally single, he might not be in the same headspace. He might start wondering how serious he wants to get about a new relationship or he might decide that marriage is a trainwreck he never wants to get on board with again.
I would advise you to take things slowly and back off for now. Let this guy get his shit in order, so to speak. It will also diffuse the jilted in-laws if you stay out of the picture and fade into the background for now. They will probably be watching you through gossipy social circles, checking your facebook and whatever online information there is about you. You would be smart to avoid associating with him publicly. Don't forget that during this divorce, proving that there was infidelity will better their case and you're about to become the pawn in that scenario. Take a step back, do your own thing, and if after this guy settles into his new single life, you both decide that you want to try a real relationship, then I think it's marginally reasonable to consider it.
I won't get into all the red-flags and warning signs about starting a relationship with a proven cheater and liar, because Olivia assumes you already know about all those things already.
Still, love is strange, and you have to follow what you think is best for you. Just be cautious and think with your head before giving away your heart for good.
"I fell in love with this guy (he is also in love with me) and it was going great. We have a lot in common, and for once I felt like everything was going in the right direction. I was happy and always smiling (which is actually something I rarely do). But a little while ago, an unexpected roadblock, a very big brick wall smacked me in the face (not literally of course), he is still married (he told me he was divorced, i actually found out that he was married by his wife) Long story short, the father in law called me and sounded like he was blaming it on me. After awhile, the guy started talking to me again and explained everything (complicated marriage that he has been trying to get out of since even before I started talking to him.) i'm still in love with the guy (he still loves me), yet i'm still hurt. And i'm slightly worried because the father in law has my number, and next week the guy is leaving and moving back to his home state away from his wife so he can finally get his divorced. (i'm worried that the father in law will keep calling me asking where he is.) So do you think I should stay in this and maybe change my cellphone number or, or should I just give up?"
The first issue in this situation is that this man deceived and lied to you about something extremely important. Given this kind of blatant and ongoing deception, this has to force you to question if the other things he has told you are true either. I might have given him a little more leeway if he had been separated at the time instead of totally divorced but clearly living in separate places from his wife and living mostly separate lives aside from the legal delays of an actual divorce. In this case it sounds like he was in the midst of playing both you and the wife at the same time. Otherwise the 'father in law' wouldn't have gotten involved and the wife wouldn't be having a meltdown.
Don't take the idea that he is finally moving back to his homestate and actively dissolving the marriage as a signal that it's because of his overwhelming desire to be with you. It's quite likely that after the wife and her family found out, they kicked his ass out of the house and he fled because he didn't really have a choice either way. If he had known right from the start that he wanted to be only with you then he wouldn't have played both sides of the fence for as long as he did. The fact that it was his wife that found out on her own and then chose to inform you of the situation speaks volumes.
Now it would be wrong of me to prejudge a situation based only on my superficial knowledge of it. There have been cases in the past where the 'other woman' gets her man in the end and gets the coveted title of wife #2. He may very well pursue this divorce properly and decide that you're the one he wants to start a new life with.
But...
Tread lightly, please. This situation is filled with potential landmines and emotional-bombs.
This guy will be going through a lot at the moment and probably has his plate filled while trying to start a new life and then dealing with legal disasters and a furious ex-inlaw family. It will be easy for him to want to cling to you initially as a safe supportive oasis that can offer him the relationship-style support he's obviously used to. Once the smoke clears however and he is totally single, he might not be in the same headspace. He might start wondering how serious he wants to get about a new relationship or he might decide that marriage is a trainwreck he never wants to get on board with again.
I would advise you to take things slowly and back off for now. Let this guy get his shit in order, so to speak. It will also diffuse the jilted in-laws if you stay out of the picture and fade into the background for now. They will probably be watching you through gossipy social circles, checking your facebook and whatever online information there is about you. You would be smart to avoid associating with him publicly. Don't forget that during this divorce, proving that there was infidelity will better their case and you're about to become the pawn in that scenario. Take a step back, do your own thing, and if after this guy settles into his new single life, you both decide that you want to try a real relationship, then I think it's marginally reasonable to consider it.
I won't get into all the red-flags and warning signs about starting a relationship with a proven cheater and liar, because Olivia assumes you already know about all those things already.
Still, love is strange, and you have to follow what you think is best for you. Just be cautious and think with your head before giving away your heart for good.
Active Ink Slinger
I suspect in your case that the issue might be more hormonal/physical than psychological. Clearly you have enjoyed a healthy sexual life with orgasms prior to this sudden decrease in libido. If you've been going through any major life events in the past few months that have caused periods of stress or grief, then I would be tempted to say that the decline in libido is being mostly affected by these things. It's extremely normal for us to lose our sex drives when we are not 'happy'. Depression, grief, stress, loss of a relationship and anxiety always take their toll on the body (at any age), even if they aren't outwardly affecting us to a noticeable degree.
If there haven't been any major changes in your life, then I suspect it might be hormonal because of your age. Hormone replacement therapy is one option, as is using extra lube or a medication to increase vaginal secretion. You can talk to your physician about these things because both will require prescriptions.
You could start exploring your sexuality using new things that could involve toys, porn, Lush stories, or becoming more socially active in meeting new people with new kinks. Sometimes we just get bored with our daily routine and shaking things up can stimulate our minds as well as our libidos. You might want to think of an adults-type vacation somewhere tropical or a sex-themed cruise to get the mojo going again.
You will find more information on the medical/hormone side of things that you can speak to your doctor about if you prefer. This is an excellent resource website that has lots of information on the reasons associated with loss of libido in post-menopausal women and all the options available to you to help treat this:
www.shareguide.com/Menopause.html
If there haven't been any major changes in your life, then I suspect it might be hormonal because of your age. Hormone replacement therapy is one option, as is using extra lube or a medication to increase vaginal secretion. You can talk to your physician about these things because both will require prescriptions.
You could start exploring your sexuality using new things that could involve toys, porn, Lush stories, or becoming more socially active in meeting new people with new kinks. Sometimes we just get bored with our daily routine and shaking things up can stimulate our minds as well as our libidos. You might want to think of an adults-type vacation somewhere tropical or a sex-themed cruise to get the mojo going again.
You will find more information on the medical/hormone side of things that you can speak to your doctor about if you prefer. This is an excellent resource website that has lots of information on the reasons associated with loss of libido in post-menopausal women and all the options available to you to help treat this:
www.shareguide.com/Menopause.html
Active Ink Slinger
When a person hears those words from their spouse "I cheated and I don't want to be married to you anymore" they have two options to go with.
Option 1: "He no longer desires me, he clearly doesn't want to stay married to me and he's already moved on physically. He probably moved on in his head 'emotionally' even before he cheated. I guess we have been having problems for quite some time now when I look back on things. Fine, this is a sinking ship and he's betrayed me and disrespected me. There is no way I'm staying around for more emotional fuck-witting. Time to pull the investment from this marriage, and get on with a new direction in life."
Option 2: "My man is clearly temporarily confused. I know he really loves me and this decision is a result of external forces like "work stress", that skanky whore that went after my man despite knowing he is married and forced herself on him, his buddies putting suggestions in his ear because they don't like me and want him to be single again etc. Well, I'm a fighter! I'm not taking this laying down. I'm going to go after each of those obstacles like a Wife Warrior and win my man back! We'll go to couples therapy and patch everything over and it'll be like it used to be in no time at all."
Option 1 is the realist route (and a healthy, pragmatic one). Option 2 is an overly-optimistic, potentially delusional route where the failure of the marriage is based on external factors and forces instead of what's been going on internally to the relationship. Blaming the rest of the world for why your marriage tanked is a coping mechanism for some people because it allows them to protect their fragile egos and vulnerabilities about having been directly involved in what went wrong in the first place.
Clearly I see all these external issues as merely symptoms of the internal festering disease within the relationship.
People who are emotionally, spiritually and sexually fulfilled tend to avoid betraying their spouses at all costs because they love and respect them enough not to hurt them.
In this case, the man has already moved on and she was the last to know. He's not saying he cheated and is begging for a second chance. He's not saying that something doesn't feel right and we need to work on things before they progress. He's saying "I'm done. Oh and by the way, I guess I should let you know too!"
For a person to hear those words and start considering some last minute crusade to alter the tides of change is like scrambling for a cure when a person is in the last stage of a terminal illness. Both have gone way past the point where intervention could have changed the outcome.
The person you speak of needs to take a realistic look at the situation. She needs to understand that by concentrating all her efforts on ways to 'patch up' a situation that is highly likely to fall apart again very quickly even if she can stop the temporary bleed right now, that she is wasting valuable time and energy. She needs to refocus her efforts on grieving the loss of the relationship and planning the next steps and stages in getting her life back on track. There are new happier adventures to be had ahead, and a shorter route to feeling psychologically healthy again than in trying to bail a sinking ship.
Had she seen the warning signs of issues in the relationship much earlier, then I would have advised on immediate intervention to get the marriage back on track. But when he's already laying down the facts and packing his bags, it's far too late in the game to start trying to salvage things.
Option 1: "He no longer desires me, he clearly doesn't want to stay married to me and he's already moved on physically. He probably moved on in his head 'emotionally' even before he cheated. I guess we have been having problems for quite some time now when I look back on things. Fine, this is a sinking ship and he's betrayed me and disrespected me. There is no way I'm staying around for more emotional fuck-witting. Time to pull the investment from this marriage, and get on with a new direction in life."
Option 2: "My man is clearly temporarily confused. I know he really loves me and this decision is a result of external forces like "work stress", that skanky whore that went after my man despite knowing he is married and forced herself on him, his buddies putting suggestions in his ear because they don't like me and want him to be single again etc. Well, I'm a fighter! I'm not taking this laying down. I'm going to go after each of those obstacles like a Wife Warrior and win my man back! We'll go to couples therapy and patch everything over and it'll be like it used to be in no time at all."
Option 1 is the realist route (and a healthy, pragmatic one). Option 2 is an overly-optimistic, potentially delusional route where the failure of the marriage is based on external factors and forces instead of what's been going on internally to the relationship. Blaming the rest of the world for why your marriage tanked is a coping mechanism for some people because it allows them to protect their fragile egos and vulnerabilities about having been directly involved in what went wrong in the first place.
Clearly I see all these external issues as merely symptoms of the internal festering disease within the relationship.
People who are emotionally, spiritually and sexually fulfilled tend to avoid betraying their spouses at all costs because they love and respect them enough not to hurt them.
In this case, the man has already moved on and she was the last to know. He's not saying he cheated and is begging for a second chance. He's not saying that something doesn't feel right and we need to work on things before they progress. He's saying "I'm done. Oh and by the way, I guess I should let you know too!"
For a person to hear those words and start considering some last minute crusade to alter the tides of change is like scrambling for a cure when a person is in the last stage of a terminal illness. Both have gone way past the point where intervention could have changed the outcome.
The person you speak of needs to take a realistic look at the situation. She needs to understand that by concentrating all her efforts on ways to 'patch up' a situation that is highly likely to fall apart again very quickly even if she can stop the temporary bleed right now, that she is wasting valuable time and energy. She needs to refocus her efforts on grieving the loss of the relationship and planning the next steps and stages in getting her life back on track. There are new happier adventures to be had ahead, and a shorter route to feeling psychologically healthy again than in trying to bail a sinking ship.
Had she seen the warning signs of issues in the relationship much earlier, then I would have advised on immediate intervention to get the marriage back on track. But when he's already laying down the facts and packing his bags, it's far too late in the game to start trying to salvage things.
Active Ink Slinger
I know it can be upsetting when your partner takes the 'raw essence of you' (which they love) and then try to remodel it to their own tastes.
Sometimes it can be very 'matchy-matchy'. Nobody wants to see couples wandering around wearing colour coordinated outfits and matching burberry scarves. Nor do they want to walk into a house where it's clear that has been designed only according to one person's taste. The look and image you project to the world should be a compromise, always.
Now both sexes are given to making suggestions and demands of their partners when it comes to their "look". As Buz pointed out, men love long hair on women. Sometimes men will buy lingerie that they like on their woman or be taken shopping to give advice on a sexy party dress or what bikini they like most. The thing is that when a guy does any of these things, he is seen as taking an interest in his woman and being masculine. A woman asking for her husband's opinion in the dressing room of a store is pretty much a staple scenario we've seen countless times before.
Now if a woman does these very same things, she is seen as 'emasculating' her man or being too demanding to say she prefers long hair on him, or thinks a certain shirt or pair of jeans will look really hot on him.
These are all just superficial changes for the most part, designed to spark the interest/libido of your partner, whether it's the guy gelling his hair up and putting on the trendy threads his girlfriend thinks looks hot on him or a woman growing her hair long and wearing the tight little black dress and stilettos her husband told her looks way sexier than the floral print mumu-dress and flats when she was trying them on at the store.
If you have a partner that's trying to literally change everything about you and not giving you a chance to be your own person with your own style, then I'd have a problem with it. But as long as your partner isn't being overbearing about it, I don't have a problem with this scenario.
We, as a society, just have to get over calling guys 'pussy-whipped' the minute a woman takes the reigns. Men do these things all the time. A healthy relationship should involve some give and pull between both people and lots of compromise.
Think of it as an extension of your partner saying "it would really turn me on if you did XYZ". If this was a sexual request or demand, most people wouldn't think twice. The visual foreplay of seeing your partner dressing in a way that gets your interest and libido going is all it is.
Having said that, Olivia gives full permission to say no to "bunny slippers", "pink wallpaper" and "cute" bicycles with matching white baskets in front.
If you can't veto certain things without causing the other person to explode, then there are definite underlying problems with control which can lead to a host of other problems if it's not put into check.
Sometimes it can be very 'matchy-matchy'. Nobody wants to see couples wandering around wearing colour coordinated outfits and matching burberry scarves. Nor do they want to walk into a house where it's clear that has been designed only according to one person's taste. The look and image you project to the world should be a compromise, always.
Now both sexes are given to making suggestions and demands of their partners when it comes to their "look". As Buz pointed out, men love long hair on women. Sometimes men will buy lingerie that they like on their woman or be taken shopping to give advice on a sexy party dress or what bikini they like most. The thing is that when a guy does any of these things, he is seen as taking an interest in his woman and being masculine. A woman asking for her husband's opinion in the dressing room of a store is pretty much a staple scenario we've seen countless times before.
Now if a woman does these very same things, she is seen as 'emasculating' her man or being too demanding to say she prefers long hair on him, or thinks a certain shirt or pair of jeans will look really hot on him.
These are all just superficial changes for the most part, designed to spark the interest/libido of your partner, whether it's the guy gelling his hair up and putting on the trendy threads his girlfriend thinks looks hot on him or a woman growing her hair long and wearing the tight little black dress and stilettos her husband told her looks way sexier than the floral print mumu-dress and flats when she was trying them on at the store.
If you have a partner that's trying to literally change everything about you and not giving you a chance to be your own person with your own style, then I'd have a problem with it. But as long as your partner isn't being overbearing about it, I don't have a problem with this scenario.
We, as a society, just have to get over calling guys 'pussy-whipped' the minute a woman takes the reigns. Men do these things all the time. A healthy relationship should involve some give and pull between both people and lots of compromise.
Think of it as an extension of your partner saying "it would really turn me on if you did XYZ". If this was a sexual request or demand, most people wouldn't think twice. The visual foreplay of seeing your partner dressing in a way that gets your interest and libido going is all it is.
Having said that, Olivia gives full permission to say no to "bunny slippers", "pink wallpaper" and "cute" bicycles with matching white baskets in front.
If you can't veto certain things without causing the other person to explode, then there are definite underlying problems with control which can lead to a host of other problems if it's not put into check.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by overmykneenowQuote by Olivia
He's looking to get laid. Many young girls feel flattered when an older, experienced man shows them attention. These guys tend to know all the right tricks to say to bolster your self-esteem and tell you how smart/beautiful/special you are and how dumb boys your own age are and how they don't understand you or treat you the way you should be treated. Men like this see an easy target and they zero in on them. They will feed you whatever they think you want or need to hear in order to close the deal.
SHHHHHH! You'll ruin everything for us!!
Hmm... do I need to take you over my knee now?
Funny thing, sex therapists tend to just skip the friendship route and head straight to the adult-only games. We always win, of course.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by sara_skirter
Well see i like being at the beach and it feels exciting so its hard to say if its his body making me hot or just being clothless is making me hot cos its new to me. Like if i wear a summer dress with no panties i get the same feelings, and he is not around when i do that and i'm like walking the dog etc, But he is nice looking and if his age was not so old i think i could kiss him etc.
I think the age makes me feel too wrong to sleep with him
I am old enough i promise but if my english sounds not 18 then its because i'm not born with english and have not mastered it.
Someone needs to send out the pervert patrol on that beach.
Here's the thing Sara... It might seem to you that what he's doing is innocent because he technically hasn't made any major moves yet. Smart predators know how to inch forward slowly and always have an escape route. If he makes a move on you after an erection-filled day in the sun and you freak out, he will just dismiss it as not meaning to have pushed anything because he 'values your friendship' but was overcome by how 'beautiful/special/desirable' you are in that weak-willed moment. Maybe he will pad the apology with some sentimental garbage about how hard it is to be a single dad and how emotional and lonely he's been since the divorce in an effort to gain your sympathy and get you to drop your guard or give in. If he sheds a well-timed tear, you know you're dealing with a pro.
When it comes down to it, it is not appropriate for a middle-aged man to take a teenage girl to a nude beach and lay there with his dick bobbing up and down all day for you to see. I think this is a grooming ploy (by him). He is slowly trying to introduce you to sexuality, his naked body, and possible arousal all under the guise of friendship. He's not looking for a friend but he will be happy to play that card during the seduction process. I don't see any reasonable platonic explanation for taking a teenage babysitter to a nude beach. As far as your 'friendship' with him goes, it's probably very 'loosely based' at that. Your age difference at this point in life would leave you with little in common to really bond over. He is just biding his time and laying down the strategy to eventually bed you. It's quite the sport for many men and they are happy to take their time during the hunt for the right kind of tasty game that they expect to enjoy after the chase.
Now I should also state that I don't have any major issues with significant age differences between couples once the youngest person has reached mature adulthood. To me, that doesn't happen until you're well into your twenties and have some life experience behind you. These kinds of relationships are often rather predatory in nature with the older person manipulating the situation and emotions of the younger, naive one. Why give in to a situation with someone that is playing you for a fool and working a good game, knowing that he's probably bragging to his middle-aged buddies at the local pub later "yeah, I finally bagged me some jailbait". A 5-10 yr age difference is reasonable when one is younger but when you get into the range where the person is the same age as a parent, it's ripe for disaster until you reach a certain level of life maturity.
Active Ink Slinger
My first instinct is that the lack of sex drive is attributable to the stress and struggle of recovery. In the early stages, there are many adjustments and changes that have to be made in order to cope and function in an alcohol-free world. Sex, especially since he is in a committed marriage, is probably the last thing on his mind in terms of areas he needs to make efforts on. Think about a time of great stress in your own life (maybe the death of a family member or pet, a serious illness/accident or the loss of a job) and chances are you probably also experienced a decreased desire for sex and orgasms for a certain amount of time thereafter until you felt like you were back in a stable place.
If she's talked to him about it, he obviously already knows this is an area that they will need to work on and improve as a couple, but your friend will need patience during this time. If she sees that he's functioning successfully in every other area of life and seems to be moving through recovery with ease but he's still avoiding sex, then there might be more serious relationship issues going on... but in the meantime, she needs to give him time to get all the other things in his life in order and working well as a 'sober' person.
I'll also defer to some information on the medical side of alcohol recovery and libido that you might want to share with your friend. There is definitely a link and if your friend's patience is running out and this problem persists, he might want to see a doctor about testing his hormone levels or seeing if there is an after-effect at work in terms of why he's no longer interested in sex. If this is the case, then there are supplements (herbal) or medications (pharmaceutical) that he can take to kick-start his sexual interest again.
Alcoholism and Sexuality
Sexuality and alcoholism have been linked since Shakespeare's time, but various studies have pointed out that there is no simple, direct relationship between the pharmacological effect of alcohol and its behavioral consequences. Sexual dysfunction in the recovering alcoholic may be due to the depressant effect of the alcohol itself, to alcohol related disease, to other drug usage, or to a multitude of psychological forces. Learning to deal with one's sexuality can be an important initial step in creating a new, more confident self who can cope in a chemical-free world. As well, the effects of alcoholism on the whole family and the importance of family support during recovery are major reasons why sexuality needs to be addressed directly and sex therapy offered as part of the recovery process. Sex should be viewed as one more aspect of communication which may need improvement.
Male Alcoholics, when compared with nonalcoholic men, have a heightened prevalence of sexual dysfunctions, the most frequent of which are erection difficulties, lowered libido and retarded ejaculation (O'Farrell, 1990). Sexual dissatisfaction in the form of disagreements about sex, withholding of sex to punish the alcoholics' drinking, diminished sexual frequency and reduced overall satisfaction also have been described as quite common in alcoholics' marriages (Doweling, 1980; Wiseman, 1985).
Physical factors have been described as primary causes of alcoholics' sexual dysfunction problems. Sex hormone changes due to the effects of chronic excessive alcohol intake on the liver, testicles and hypothalamic-pituitary-testicular axis have been implicated in problems with impotence and decreased sexual interest (Van Thiel, 1985; Chiao and Van Thiel, 1983). Acute alcohol intake beyond very low doses decreases potency and increases time to ejaculation (see Wilson's 1981 review).
Relationship conflict secondary to alcohol-related marital stressors also has been proposed as a contributing factor in alcoholics' sexual problems. Two studies investigated this explanation by studying a comparison group of maritally conflicted couples without alcohol-related problems in addition to the alcoholics. A preliminary report lacking statistical analyses (Burton and Kaplan, 1968) found similar levels of sexual dissatisfaction when alcoholic and conflicted couples were compared. O'Farrell et al. (1991) found that alcoholic and conflicted couples did not differ and that both groups reported less frequent intercourse, more disagreement over sex and more desires for change in their sexual relationship than did nonaleoholie, noneonflieted couples....
If she's talked to him about it, he obviously already knows this is an area that they will need to work on and improve as a couple, but your friend will need patience during this time. If she sees that he's functioning successfully in every other area of life and seems to be moving through recovery with ease but he's still avoiding sex, then there might be more serious relationship issues going on... but in the meantime, she needs to give him time to get all the other things in his life in order and working well as a 'sober' person.
I'll also defer to some information on the medical side of alcohol recovery and libido that you might want to share with your friend. There is definitely a link and if your friend's patience is running out and this problem persists, he might want to see a doctor about testing his hormone levels or seeing if there is an after-effect at work in terms of why he's no longer interested in sex. If this is the case, then there are supplements (herbal) or medications (pharmaceutical) that he can take to kick-start his sexual interest again.
Alcoholism and Sexuality
Sexuality and alcoholism have been linked since Shakespeare's time, but various studies have pointed out that there is no simple, direct relationship between the pharmacological effect of alcohol and its behavioral consequences. Sexual dysfunction in the recovering alcoholic may be due to the depressant effect of the alcohol itself, to alcohol related disease, to other drug usage, or to a multitude of psychological forces. Learning to deal with one's sexuality can be an important initial step in creating a new, more confident self who can cope in a chemical-free world. As well, the effects of alcoholism on the whole family and the importance of family support during recovery are major reasons why sexuality needs to be addressed directly and sex therapy offered as part of the recovery process. Sex should be viewed as one more aspect of communication which may need improvement.
Male Alcoholics, when compared with nonalcoholic men, have a heightened prevalence of sexual dysfunctions, the most frequent of which are erection difficulties, lowered libido and retarded ejaculation (O'Farrell, 1990). Sexual dissatisfaction in the form of disagreements about sex, withholding of sex to punish the alcoholics' drinking, diminished sexual frequency and reduced overall satisfaction also have been described as quite common in alcoholics' marriages (Doweling, 1980; Wiseman, 1985).
Physical factors have been described as primary causes of alcoholics' sexual dysfunction problems. Sex hormone changes due to the effects of chronic excessive alcohol intake on the liver, testicles and hypothalamic-pituitary-testicular axis have been implicated in problems with impotence and decreased sexual interest (Van Thiel, 1985; Chiao and Van Thiel, 1983). Acute alcohol intake beyond very low doses decreases potency and increases time to ejaculation (see Wilson's 1981 review).
Relationship conflict secondary to alcohol-related marital stressors also has been proposed as a contributing factor in alcoholics' sexual problems. Two studies investigated this explanation by studying a comparison group of maritally conflicted couples without alcohol-related problems in addition to the alcoholics. A preliminary report lacking statistical analyses (Burton and Kaplan, 1968) found similar levels of sexual dissatisfaction when alcoholic and conflicted couples were compared. O'Farrell et al. (1991) found that alcoholic and conflicted couples did not differ and that both groups reported less frequent intercourse, more disagreement over sex and more desires for change in their sexual relationship than did nonaleoholie, noneonflieted couples....
Active Ink Slinger
Well, looks like I am arriving a little late to the party...
Instead of dealing with the messy clean-up (I'm sure this thread will be bulldozed eventually), let's get back to the original question and pretend that we know for certain that Sara is of age. Even if she is not, I'm sure lecherous single dads preying on teenage babysitters can cause a bit of a pickle for many others who might benefit from this advice. It's easy enough to say, come on now Sara, just avoid his pickle and be done with it, but let's explore this situation a little further.
Sara said:
I see many things wrong with this scenario. First this man is twice your age, in a position of authority (your boss), and obviously making sexual advances or flirting because you are suspicious he wants you to be "his girl". Trust me, he isn't looking for a teenage girlfriend or future mother of his child. He's looking to get laid. Many young girls feel flattered when an older, experienced man shows them attention. These guys tend to know all the right tricks to say to bolster your self-esteem and tell you how smart/beautiful/special you are and how dumb boys your own age are and how they don't understand you or treat you the way you should be treated. Men like this see an easy target and they zero in on them. They will feed you whatever they think you want or need to hear in order to close the deal. It's exceedingly rare when a grown man who has been married and has had children can really see anything particularly relationship-worthy in a girl that is still in highschool, no matter what he tells you or tries to hint at. There is also that pesky little thing called statutory that he might want to be made aware of.
So my opinion, dear Sara, is that this 'man' is a predatory pervert looking to fulfill his favorite 'barely legal' babysitter fantasy and working you every step of the way.
Usually when they say "let's hit the nude beach" and play Taylor Swift CDs for you to set the mood on the ride, chances are good that he's going to make the big move sooner than later.
My advice would be to avoid him at all costs and don't listen to any attempts he makes to 'woo' you... unless all you want is a quick shag with an old man, of course.
Now it's back to the party, boys and girls. Line up the tequila shots so that I can catch up, please...
Instead of dealing with the messy clean-up (I'm sure this thread will be bulldozed eventually), let's get back to the original question and pretend that we know for certain that Sara is of age. Even if she is not, I'm sure lecherous single dads preying on teenage babysitters can cause a bit of a pickle for many others who might benefit from this advice. It's easy enough to say, come on now Sara, just avoid his pickle and be done with it, but let's explore this situation a little further.
Sara said:
Quote by sara_skirter
I am in my last year of high school and i started babysitting for money because we know some single parents.
This guy i babysit for is chatty and he talked about how he go to nude beaches and a nudist camp.
I agreed with his ideas about nudism and then he asked if i want to go with him to this nude beach to try.
So we went and its really unique/fun but i am a bit suspicious of if he wants me to be his girl because of something, and i don't know what i should do
Boyfriends are my age always except he is double my age!
Thanks.
I see many things wrong with this scenario. First this man is twice your age, in a position of authority (your boss), and obviously making sexual advances or flirting because you are suspicious he wants you to be "his girl". Trust me, he isn't looking for a teenage girlfriend or future mother of his child. He's looking to get laid. Many young girls feel flattered when an older, experienced man shows them attention. These guys tend to know all the right tricks to say to bolster your self-esteem and tell you how smart/beautiful/special you are and how dumb boys your own age are and how they don't understand you or treat you the way you should be treated. Men like this see an easy target and they zero in on them. They will feed you whatever they think you want or need to hear in order to close the deal. It's exceedingly rare when a grown man who has been married and has had children can really see anything particularly relationship-worthy in a girl that is still in highschool, no matter what he tells you or tries to hint at. There is also that pesky little thing called statutory that he might want to be made aware of.
So my opinion, dear Sara, is that this 'man' is a predatory pervert looking to fulfill his favorite 'barely legal' babysitter fantasy and working you every step of the way.
Usually when they say "let's hit the nude beach" and play Taylor Swift CDs for you to set the mood on the ride, chances are good that he's going to make the big move sooner than later.
My advice would be to avoid him at all costs and don't listen to any attempts he makes to 'woo' you... unless all you want is a quick shag with an old man, of course.
Now it's back to the party, boys and girls. Line up the tequila shots so that I can catch up, please...
Active Ink Slinger
My immediate advice is: Proceed with Caution
I don't know where you work, so I'm uncertain as to the dynamics involved in coworker dating. If you both work in a retail store or the movie theatre or a restaurant, coworker-relationships probably aren't as prone to potential long-term disasters than if you both work in a cubicle-zoned corporation that you intend to stay at for the next 5-10 years.
First thing to do is to check your Human Resources Policy. Some companies frown on coworker relationships. If you decide to break the rules (which many people do) just understand that it might not look favourable on you if you plan to stay at the company for the long-run. Promotions and potential lay-off decisions are all impacted by your reputation and how you are seen by others. If you are seen as a rule-breaker or your dating/relationship situation causes drama that is noticed in the office, it won't look good on you.
Important Note: If there is a hierarchy difference between you and this prospective love interest then it's very likely prohibited by company rules and may end up costing you your job.
If your company is open to interoffice romance, then you need to consider this: If you date and you end up breaking up, are you prepared to see your ex-girlfriend on a day to day basis and deal with all the post break-up drama in a public setting? Many breakups end in an ugly way and if you work with her, there is no escaping the free-fall. Also, is she the type of person that can be mature about things? If she is young and naive do you really want her hanging by your desk all-day, needing constant attention while you're trying to work or gossiping with others about your relationship around the water cooler?
People who work at the same office can have relationships as long as they are basically not noticeable to others. Keep your interactions with her during non-office hours. Don't use the office email to flirt with each other and don't play footsies under the boardroom table. Nobody should be aware or inclined to believe you have anything other than a totally professional relationship. If you have any doubts about either of your abilities to act this way, then I would highly caution you about proceeding.
Lastly... if all my cautions don't apply to you and it's green-lights ahead and you think you could have a real relationship with this person, then let things move forward at a slow and consistent pace. You want to be pretty certain that she is also interested in you. Don't forget that in an office environment, people are basically trapped when it comes to being nice and friendly to their coworkers. You want to make sure that she's not just chatting with you because you're coworkers. In a bar, someone who isn't interested can just tell you to f-off and avoid you, but in an office, everyone has to be nice to each other and if you're hanging at her cubicle often, of course she's going to be friendly and welcoming. It just may not be tied to any sense of romantic interest.
If you do have a strong sense that she's into you or if your flirting is being reciprocated then why not start out by going for lunch together to get to know her better. Find out her interests (maybe she loves kayaking on weekends or maybe there's a movie that she's been dying to see) and casually ask if she'd like to hang out or do those activities with you. Be very low-key about it at first. I wouldn't go for the suggestion of a big romantic splashy dinner. If she's interested in doing "friendly" activities with you outside of office hours, chances are probably good that she might be into you. Then you can take it from there. But if she puts you off or says no, then no harm done because it was just a casual suggestion and you can always explain you didn't mean it in a romantic way.
Once you are on the 'friendly' get together and not in the office, you can put stronger feelers out for whether she's into you and proceed appropriately from there.
I don't know where you work, so I'm uncertain as to the dynamics involved in coworker dating. If you both work in a retail store or the movie theatre or a restaurant, coworker-relationships probably aren't as prone to potential long-term disasters than if you both work in a cubicle-zoned corporation that you intend to stay at for the next 5-10 years.
First thing to do is to check your Human Resources Policy. Some companies frown on coworker relationships. If you decide to break the rules (which many people do) just understand that it might not look favourable on you if you plan to stay at the company for the long-run. Promotions and potential lay-off decisions are all impacted by your reputation and how you are seen by others. If you are seen as a rule-breaker or your dating/relationship situation causes drama that is noticed in the office, it won't look good on you.
Important Note: If there is a hierarchy difference between you and this prospective love interest then it's very likely prohibited by company rules and may end up costing you your job.
If your company is open to interoffice romance, then you need to consider this: If you date and you end up breaking up, are you prepared to see your ex-girlfriend on a day to day basis and deal with all the post break-up drama in a public setting? Many breakups end in an ugly way and if you work with her, there is no escaping the free-fall. Also, is she the type of person that can be mature about things? If she is young and naive do you really want her hanging by your desk all-day, needing constant attention while you're trying to work or gossiping with others about your relationship around the water cooler?
People who work at the same office can have relationships as long as they are basically not noticeable to others. Keep your interactions with her during non-office hours. Don't use the office email to flirt with each other and don't play footsies under the boardroom table. Nobody should be aware or inclined to believe you have anything other than a totally professional relationship. If you have any doubts about either of your abilities to act this way, then I would highly caution you about proceeding.
Lastly... if all my cautions don't apply to you and it's green-lights ahead and you think you could have a real relationship with this person, then let things move forward at a slow and consistent pace. You want to be pretty certain that she is also interested in you. Don't forget that in an office environment, people are basically trapped when it comes to being nice and friendly to their coworkers. You want to make sure that she's not just chatting with you because you're coworkers. In a bar, someone who isn't interested can just tell you to f-off and avoid you, but in an office, everyone has to be nice to each other and if you're hanging at her cubicle often, of course she's going to be friendly and welcoming. It just may not be tied to any sense of romantic interest.
If you do have a strong sense that she's into you or if your flirting is being reciprocated then why not start out by going for lunch together to get to know her better. Find out her interests (maybe she loves kayaking on weekends or maybe there's a movie that she's been dying to see) and casually ask if she'd like to hang out or do those activities with you. Be very low-key about it at first. I wouldn't go for the suggestion of a big romantic splashy dinner. If she's interested in doing "friendly" activities with you outside of office hours, chances are probably good that she might be into you. Then you can take it from there. But if she puts you off or says no, then no harm done because it was just a casual suggestion and you can always explain you didn't mean it in a romantic way.
Once you are on the 'friendly' get together and not in the office, you can put stronger feelers out for whether she's into you and proceed appropriately from there.
Active Ink Slinger
The general rule of thumb is that even though you have both determined that your hook-up is casual and may not ever reach that zone of seriousness that you still maintain that respect of not hooking up with other people or chatting up others while together.
This is a tricky area for casual daters and fuck-buddies... they don't want the commitment, but at the same time they don't want to see you openly flirting with strangers and actively working on other potential hook-ups in their presence. It devalues them, and especially for guys can lead to jealousy issues. Even though you aren't 'together' in the relationship sense, if you are hanging out in a bar together, even as a group, it's probably assumed that you will both be going home with each other at the end of the night. When he sees you entertaining advances of some other guy, he moved in to claim his territory. He may have even read your ambivalence about the situation as you wanting/needing his help to step in and 'save you' from this other guy's harassment... until he realized the new guy had succeeded in putting his number into your phone and that even after the kiss, you continued chatting with the stranger.
Technically you don't know how he interpreted that situation. You might have seen it as innocent and that this other guy had initiated it without your request, but your 'friend' probably saw it as you collecting numbers and sex-buddies rather indiscriminately, and disrespecting him as it was done right in front of him.
I know... it isn't technically fair. Given the situation, you don't owe him fidelity or monogamy and you aren't technically in a relationship... but a lot of casual hook-ups like this end up eventually leading into something more. Many people state up front that they don't have time for relationships, but if the connection is compelling enough, it could lead to something. He may have been thinking along these lines until he saw just how "un-serious" you were about it by picking up the other guy in front of him (this may not have been what you were doing, but this is likely how he read things).
If you flip the situation around, you will probably be able to see it better from his perspective. If you had hooked up several weekends in a row and then one weekend while out, he was chatting with some girl right in front of you, and you watched him get her number, and even though you moved in to stake your claim on him, he still continued chatting with her, you probably would have felt somewhat pissed off about it. Even if you aren't in a relationship, you've been hooking up with him every weekend. He figured that deserved some measure of respect when you are both in the same room.
Personally I think that he may have been seeing potential for more with you, but after what happened, he has backed off and that's why you're getting the cold shoulder.
This is a tricky area for casual daters and fuck-buddies... they don't want the commitment, but at the same time they don't want to see you openly flirting with strangers and actively working on other potential hook-ups in their presence. It devalues them, and especially for guys can lead to jealousy issues. Even though you aren't 'together' in the relationship sense, if you are hanging out in a bar together, even as a group, it's probably assumed that you will both be going home with each other at the end of the night. When he sees you entertaining advances of some other guy, he moved in to claim his territory. He may have even read your ambivalence about the situation as you wanting/needing his help to step in and 'save you' from this other guy's harassment... until he realized the new guy had succeeded in putting his number into your phone and that even after the kiss, you continued chatting with the stranger.
Technically you don't know how he interpreted that situation. You might have seen it as innocent and that this other guy had initiated it without your request, but your 'friend' probably saw it as you collecting numbers and sex-buddies rather indiscriminately, and disrespecting him as it was done right in front of him.
I know... it isn't technically fair. Given the situation, you don't owe him fidelity or monogamy and you aren't technically in a relationship... but a lot of casual hook-ups like this end up eventually leading into something more. Many people state up front that they don't have time for relationships, but if the connection is compelling enough, it could lead to something. He may have been thinking along these lines until he saw just how "un-serious" you were about it by picking up the other guy in front of him (this may not have been what you were doing, but this is likely how he read things).
If you flip the situation around, you will probably be able to see it better from his perspective. If you had hooked up several weekends in a row and then one weekend while out, he was chatting with some girl right in front of you, and you watched him get her number, and even though you moved in to stake your claim on him, he still continued chatting with her, you probably would have felt somewhat pissed off about it. Even if you aren't in a relationship, you've been hooking up with him every weekend. He figured that deserved some measure of respect when you are both in the same room.
Personally I think that he may have been seeing potential for more with you, but after what happened, he has backed off and that's why you're getting the cold shoulder.
Active Ink Slinger
From the way you write this, it appears that you know you have a lot to offer. You are aware "logically" that you are attractive to others. Your inhibitions obviously arise from the fact that you fear that if you proceed to flirting, dating and sex that you will ultimately be rejected for having a small penis, so you tend to avoid situations (consciously or subconsciously) that may lead to this possibility.
The first step is in accepting your shortcomings. Let's talk about the penis size issue:
The vaginal canal is approx 3-5 inches long in length, but can expand to accommodate larger sizes. There are different positions you can use that will achieve deeper penetration. There is also a lot more to sex than just intercourse. In reality many women can't even achieve orgasm from intercourse alone. You can become well skilled at oral pleasures, rub her clit while penetrating her or you can experiment with anal sex since this will give you a tighter-feel overall.
There are also toy-aids you can get called extenders that will lengthen your penis should you end up in a relationship with a size-queen:
Extenders
Also known as a PPA, this hollow, penis-shaped dildo fits over your own penis. You can use these to increase the length or width of your penis, to sustain or simulate an erection, or just because you feel like having a different penis for the day.
Men with erectile dysfunction love extenders, which help them simulate the thrusting that accompanies traditional intercourse. But don't think that other men can't use them too, even men who are more than satisfied with the length and girth of their members. Using a sex toy is all about trying new things!
In reality though, if we are talking about relationships, it's unlikely that most women will just veto you as a potential mate just because of penis size if all the other things are in place. For some women penis size is important, and for others it's not. Many women are happy to work around something like this in order to achieve mutual sexual satisfaction. Just remember to think outside the box and be open-minded when it comes to sex and playtime. Many men consider sex to just be the old "in and out" and rely on their penis too much to provide total satisfaction. Be creative and you will be a refreshing change for many women.
Now in terms of your shyness, this is going to come with gaining more self-confidence and getting over your fears of rejection. The important thing to remember is that everyone gets rejected at some point or another. Yes, it's probably going to happen to you too. It's not that big of a deal. Just get out there and start talking to girls and see what happens. You're sitting on the proverbial edge of the swimming pool, afraid to dive in. There's no easy way around this. You just need to get into the water and start getting experience and practice... self-confidence will increase the more you put yourself out there and start living life and all it's ups and downs. Be brave and just remember that penis size does not define a real man.
The first step is in accepting your shortcomings. Let's talk about the penis size issue:
The vaginal canal is approx 3-5 inches long in length, but can expand to accommodate larger sizes. There are different positions you can use that will achieve deeper penetration. There is also a lot more to sex than just intercourse. In reality many women can't even achieve orgasm from intercourse alone. You can become well skilled at oral pleasures, rub her clit while penetrating her or you can experiment with anal sex since this will give you a tighter-feel overall.
There are also toy-aids you can get called extenders that will lengthen your penis should you end up in a relationship with a size-queen:
Extenders
Also known as a PPA, this hollow, penis-shaped dildo fits over your own penis. You can use these to increase the length or width of your penis, to sustain or simulate an erection, or just because you feel like having a different penis for the day.
Men with erectile dysfunction love extenders, which help them simulate the thrusting that accompanies traditional intercourse. But don't think that other men can't use them too, even men who are more than satisfied with the length and girth of their members. Using a sex toy is all about trying new things!
In reality though, if we are talking about relationships, it's unlikely that most women will just veto you as a potential mate just because of penis size if all the other things are in place. For some women penis size is important, and for others it's not. Many women are happy to work around something like this in order to achieve mutual sexual satisfaction. Just remember to think outside the box and be open-minded when it comes to sex and playtime. Many men consider sex to just be the old "in and out" and rely on their penis too much to provide total satisfaction. Be creative and you will be a refreshing change for many women.
Now in terms of your shyness, this is going to come with gaining more self-confidence and getting over your fears of rejection. The important thing to remember is that everyone gets rejected at some point or another. Yes, it's probably going to happen to you too. It's not that big of a deal. Just get out there and start talking to girls and see what happens. You're sitting on the proverbial edge of the swimming pool, afraid to dive in. There's no easy way around this. You just need to get into the water and start getting experience and practice... self-confidence will increase the more you put yourself out there and start living life and all it's ups and downs. Be brave and just remember that penis size does not define a real man.
Active Ink Slinger
This scenario has two possibilities:
1. He is grieving over the loss of his best friend and is somewhat placing the blame on you (directly or indirectly) which is causing friction in your relationship.
You need to look at the dynamic of their bro-mance. Did they have a big blow-up when you started dating him and is this the direct reason that they are no longer friends? How deep was their friendship? Were they real friends or more like drinking buddies that hang in the same social circles. This makes a huge difference in interpreting the situation. If they were close friends and now are no longer speaking because C hooked up with you and is now living with you, then he's probably feeling the sadness over losing this friend now. Prior to moving in and as you were hooking up with C, you were both riding the euphoria of a new relationship (and a somewhat forbidden one) at that. This would have been a great distraction for C during the breakdown of his friendship with your ex. In other words he might have thought time would heal the wounds, his friend would forget about the bro-code, or that you were all he needed anyway. At the beginning of a new relationship many people disvalue their friends for a period of time until things settle into relationship-routine. Maybe you're at that point now and he's missing his buddy.
In this case, there is nothing you can really do if you feel him pulling back. He will need to work through it on his own, or contact his friend and see if something can be salvaged. Once your ex moves on to a new girl, this will probably help lower the animosity coming from him. People who are happy tend to be less invested in being angry over past relationships.
Now... if these guys were casual friends, part of the same social circle, or just drinking buddies and you feel C pulling away from you regardless of the fact that you're living with him, it could be due to possible situation #2
2. He jumped into things too quickly with you, is having second thoughts and is using the excuse of 'guilt' over hooking up with his friend's ex-girlfriend as a way of winding down your relationship.
Think about it this way. People hate the drama of break-ups. We all look for reasonable explanations or excuses to offer someone when we want to end a relationship. Your situation has one built in: the "oh my god, I feel so guilty" rip-cord that can be pulled when he wants out (for whatever reason). The thing is... if he was that close to this friend to begin with, how much guilt is he really suffering? He knows his buddy was cheating on you, and you got together with him after it was all over. You also called C "a friend of ours" which means that he was in neutral-zone... not just allied with your ex-bf. So the idea of bro-code might be more of a grey zone in this situation. I should also say that if a relationship is going great, most people can get over the guilt... know what I mean? If your relationship with C is currently floundering or on the rocks for a number of reasons, he might just be using this as a way out or setting things up for the eventual break-up.
And lastly...
Being with someone for 7 years and then hooking up with someone immediately after that relationship ends and moving in together sets up all kinds of rebound complications. You were needing someone, and this guy filled the void. You didn't have time to really heal from the end of your original relationship and C's previous ties to your ex brings a whole lot of baggage into your new relationship. It might be time for both you and C to take a step back from the intensity of everything and see if what you have is real and something you both want to fight for, or if the relationship served it's purpose for that moment in time in helping you get over your ex and being that forbidden excitement that has just ridden out it's euphoric high now that reality has set in.
1. He is grieving over the loss of his best friend and is somewhat placing the blame on you (directly or indirectly) which is causing friction in your relationship.
You need to look at the dynamic of their bro-mance. Did they have a big blow-up when you started dating him and is this the direct reason that they are no longer friends? How deep was their friendship? Were they real friends or more like drinking buddies that hang in the same social circles. This makes a huge difference in interpreting the situation. If they were close friends and now are no longer speaking because C hooked up with you and is now living with you, then he's probably feeling the sadness over losing this friend now. Prior to moving in and as you were hooking up with C, you were both riding the euphoria of a new relationship (and a somewhat forbidden one) at that. This would have been a great distraction for C during the breakdown of his friendship with your ex. In other words he might have thought time would heal the wounds, his friend would forget about the bro-code, or that you were all he needed anyway. At the beginning of a new relationship many people disvalue their friends for a period of time until things settle into relationship-routine. Maybe you're at that point now and he's missing his buddy.
In this case, there is nothing you can really do if you feel him pulling back. He will need to work through it on his own, or contact his friend and see if something can be salvaged. Once your ex moves on to a new girl, this will probably help lower the animosity coming from him. People who are happy tend to be less invested in being angry over past relationships.
Now... if these guys were casual friends, part of the same social circle, or just drinking buddies and you feel C pulling away from you regardless of the fact that you're living with him, it could be due to possible situation #2
2. He jumped into things too quickly with you, is having second thoughts and is using the excuse of 'guilt' over hooking up with his friend's ex-girlfriend as a way of winding down your relationship.
Think about it this way. People hate the drama of break-ups. We all look for reasonable explanations or excuses to offer someone when we want to end a relationship. Your situation has one built in: the "oh my god, I feel so guilty" rip-cord that can be pulled when he wants out (for whatever reason). The thing is... if he was that close to this friend to begin with, how much guilt is he really suffering? He knows his buddy was cheating on you, and you got together with him after it was all over. You also called C "a friend of ours" which means that he was in neutral-zone... not just allied with your ex-bf. So the idea of bro-code might be more of a grey zone in this situation. I should also say that if a relationship is going great, most people can get over the guilt... know what I mean? If your relationship with C is currently floundering or on the rocks for a number of reasons, he might just be using this as a way out or setting things up for the eventual break-up.
And lastly...
Being with someone for 7 years and then hooking up with someone immediately after that relationship ends and moving in together sets up all kinds of rebound complications. You were needing someone, and this guy filled the void. You didn't have time to really heal from the end of your original relationship and C's previous ties to your ex brings a whole lot of baggage into your new relationship. It might be time for both you and C to take a step back from the intensity of everything and see if what you have is real and something you both want to fight for, or if the relationship served it's purpose for that moment in time in helping you get over your ex and being that forbidden excitement that has just ridden out it's euphoric high now that reality has set in.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by sceneme2006Quote by OliviaQuote by WHR43
Olivia
I consider myself reasonably well informed about sex. Lie I think I am very well informed. But I have been one of the ejaculating females most of my sexual life. Not always but most of the time. I have now run into a young woman who claims it is a learned skill. I always thought either you could or you could not depending on the conditions. Please provide your expertise on the subject.
It might be a learned skill in that you need a certain amount of very vigorous g-spot manipulation to attain female ejaculation and many women simply don't try or experience this, either through masturbation or intercourse.
Some women have ejaculated once in their lifetime but never again.
Others do it quite regularly, and some don't at all.
The actual percentage of females who ejaculate is uncertain. However, in Masters and Johnson's famous lab experiments with over 400 women, they did not record anyone who ejaculated at climax.
I believe that conditions have to be right in order to achieve g-spot orgasm. Women who have never tried intense g-spot stimulation may be entirely capable of squirting but just haven't experimented with letting themselves get there, so in that sense, yes it can be something of a learned skill.
It just has to be assumed that not every woman will have the right physicality and ability to let themselves go in order to produce a full squirting effect. Similar to how many women are unable to achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration alone.
Orgasm is a physical reaction but it is very guided and influenced by our psychology and mindset as well.
Olivia i have a further question on the topic of female g-spot stimulation and ejaculation.
My gf and i love masturbation play and practice serious g-spot stimulation in very passionate heated exchanges and she cums quite vigorously but without ejaculation and she becomes very sensitive immediately after her orgasm requiring all manual stimulation to stop. I am wondering if the reason she is not ejaculating is because she is holding back. I have been told that the urge to ejaculate is much like holding your urine so she might be mentally and physically not allowing herself to cut loose and cum at the level required for ejaculation due to the urge to control erroneously her bladder.
I will discuss this with her tonight and if my theory is correct i will try to talk her through not fighting the pressure and urges that may inhibit her. Any suggestions on how I might best convey this to her and squelch her inhibition. Assuming my initial hypothesis is correct. Thank you.
She might be mentally holding back. After all, since we were toddlers we are automatically trained to hold back when we feel the urge to urinate. For someone who's not into watersports, it might be difficult to get past this point. She may be concerned that she might actually end up urinating and find the idea of it distasteful . But consider this, and you might want to raise this issue with her. Let's say she really let's go and ends up accidentally urinating. Will your combined sexual worlds implode? No. Reassuring her that it's not a big deal either way is important here. Both orgasm and urination are forms of "release". Even if a worst case scenario wet-the-bed situation occurs, it's not the end of the world. Put some towels down or even a plastic mattress cover (meant for kid's beds) if she's really concerned. And just make it an experimental play-scenario. It's all about practice, and we often don't get everything right on the first try when learning something new, right? This, combined with your reassurance and non-judgmental attitude, may put her more at ease and less likely to hold back.
Then you might want to watch some videos on g-spot stimulation (proper instructional videos, not just squirt-porn which is usually faked) to get the right understanding for the type of vigorous stimulation she will need.
And lastly, the important thing to remember is that some women just aren't able to have this kind of orgasm. This is just like some women aren't able to orgasm through intercourse alone. It doesn't mean sexual failure, it just means that we are all built differently. As long as she is enjoying the orgasms that she's having right now, I wouldn't be overly concerned if she's not a squirter. The reality is that most women aren't.
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Quote by baconbutty
I consider myself straight but after discovering the wonders of anal masturbation im confused whether im straight/gay/bi or even bi-curious. the thought of fucking a man does not disgust me but the thought of being fucked does.
I would try not to worry so much about labels. Many people feel compelled to fit themselves into an identifiable box, but the truth is that our sexuality is quite fluid and often changes over time as we get older. Experimentation is just curiosity. And fantasies are a very safe way to experiment, even psychologically, without actually resorting to the act itself.
Many straight men may watch gay porn, for example, and find themselves aroused by it and suddenly wonder if this means they are bisexual or gay. I actually know many women who watch gay porn and also become aroused by it, and it certainly doesn't mean that they are secretly gay men. We, as human beings, can become aroused by many fantasies or images of sex that we may not want to partake in ourselves, but the concept of it excites us. Sometimes it's the forbidden nature of these fantasies and images that heightens our level of excitement. This is completely normal and is not something that will change your sexual orientation.
When a man enjoys anal play it does not mean that they are bisexual or gay. Let's all join hands and repeat that one, because it seems like it's a recurrent point for confusion. It doesn't make you gay, nor does it turn people into bisexuals either. The coincidental point to remember here is that IF one actually IS bisexual or gay, they probably will enjoy anal-play as well. One does not lead to the other, but both straight and gay men will enjoy prostate stimulation in general.
Now Baconbutty, you do say in your post that the thought of fucking a man does not disgust you. I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that it somewhat intrigues you or is a new fantasy for you. I would say that these bi-curious feelings are completely normal and it's up to you whether you want to explore them. Just go with what feels comfortable for you and don't worry about labels at this stage in the game. For now, it's all about fantasies and new experimentation.
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This is an anonymous question I received from a fellow Lushie:
Due to the fact that both my fiancé and I travel for work, we spend weeks, sometimes months apart. He has mentioned that I could have a "pass" and hook up with a man, if I wanted. I have steadfastly said no, I do however have a female friend that I play with on occasion. Read: I haven't seen her since a month ago when the three of us were together.
I will not take a pass and sex a man because my body may need it. I merely am trying to understand this "pass"mentality. I even think there was a movie about passes. What say you?
This type of scenario is quite common in long distance relationships. A "Pass" is a no-strings (probably one-night-stand) hook up that your partner will allow for the purposes of getting the pipes cleaned until you can be together again. The assumption is that emotions aren't involved with whatever partner you choose for this (whether they are a fuck-buddy or some new guy you just met while drunk at a bar).
The emotional impact of following through on this can be problematic for many couples. Knowing that your partner allowed you to put your hand in the cookie jar may make you start to wonder how many cookies he's eating on the side as well. Not only that, but it opens the door to consistent extracurricular play outside the relationship. Unless your connection/commitment are strong, this obviously leads to the possibility that either one of you may find a stronger connection with the other person. Things start sexually, but many women especially find it hard to separate sex and emotion and one invariably leads to the other.
Being away from your partner can be isolating in itself. Knowing that they are enjoying a physical connection with someone else during this time of distance can be a difficult concept to swallow.
It's a bit like Pandora's Box... but it's also a very modern and novel concept. For someone who has the outlook that "sex is just sex", this can help to alleviate the long periods in between being together by still allowing each other to enjoy some fun. The key is that both people have to be comfortable with it, and both people should understand that if one person wants to veto this concept at any time, they can.
An easy way to look at it is to see your hook up with your girlfriend in the same way. You play together and enjoy the sexual connection but you don't feel emotionally attached to her in any way, right? This is sort of how the "pass system" works too. Guys can very easily have this same outlook when they hook up with a girl. It's just sex. If you can look at another guy and just see him as a human sex-toy, then you are well on your way to enjoying that 'pass' while your man is away.
You might also enjoy it more if you make it part of your sex-play. Maybe he wants to hear details of what you did. Maybe you will want to hear about what he did too. The kinky aspect, heightened by a tinge of jealousy may be a turn-on when you finally do see each other again. It's not for everyone, but it might make it feel more like the experience is bringing you together as a couple.
Due to the fact that both my fiancé and I travel for work, we spend weeks, sometimes months apart. He has mentioned that I could have a "pass" and hook up with a man, if I wanted. I have steadfastly said no, I do however have a female friend that I play with on occasion. Read: I haven't seen her since a month ago when the three of us were together.
I will not take a pass and sex a man because my body may need it. I merely am trying to understand this "pass"mentality. I even think there was a movie about passes. What say you?
This type of scenario is quite common in long distance relationships. A "Pass" is a no-strings (probably one-night-stand) hook up that your partner will allow for the purposes of getting the pipes cleaned until you can be together again. The assumption is that emotions aren't involved with whatever partner you choose for this (whether they are a fuck-buddy or some new guy you just met while drunk at a bar).
The emotional impact of following through on this can be problematic for many couples. Knowing that your partner allowed you to put your hand in the cookie jar may make you start to wonder how many cookies he's eating on the side as well. Not only that, but it opens the door to consistent extracurricular play outside the relationship. Unless your connection/commitment are strong, this obviously leads to the possibility that either one of you may find a stronger connection with the other person. Things start sexually, but many women especially find it hard to separate sex and emotion and one invariably leads to the other.
Being away from your partner can be isolating in itself. Knowing that they are enjoying a physical connection with someone else during this time of distance can be a difficult concept to swallow.
It's a bit like Pandora's Box... but it's also a very modern and novel concept. For someone who has the outlook that "sex is just sex", this can help to alleviate the long periods in between being together by still allowing each other to enjoy some fun. The key is that both people have to be comfortable with it, and both people should understand that if one person wants to veto this concept at any time, they can.
An easy way to look at it is to see your hook up with your girlfriend in the same way. You play together and enjoy the sexual connection but you don't feel emotionally attached to her in any way, right? This is sort of how the "pass system" works too. Guys can very easily have this same outlook when they hook up with a girl. It's just sex. If you can look at another guy and just see him as a human sex-toy, then you are well on your way to enjoying that 'pass' while your man is away.
You might also enjoy it more if you make it part of your sex-play. Maybe he wants to hear details of what you did. Maybe you will want to hear about what he did too. The kinky aspect, heightened by a tinge of jealousy may be a turn-on when you finally do see each other again. It's not for everyone, but it might make it feel more like the experience is bringing you together as a couple.
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When a girl says "I don't see you that way" she is usually saying it because you are projecting that you are interested in her and she is trying to save you the awkward embarrassment. The key here is to figure out what you are doing to give them this perception... assuming that you aren't openly trying to hook up with them.
You appear to be saying that you purely see them as 'friendship potential' from the beginning. Are you sure about this? You go back and forth in your post by saying "for some yea its true but most is not true" and "I already like 2 girls my age". You seem ambivalent about your own intentions. Or maybe you're just putting out feelers and seeing what their reaction to you is first. That being... if you see an opening to close the deal then you're happy to take it, but if not, you can live with being 'just friends'. If this is the case then you are probably projecting that you're into them in more than a friendly way from the beginning.
Here's the thing... men and women can often become friends if they are involved in similar activity, classes, sports or clubs or live in the same apartment or college dorm. When a girl is sitting on a bench and a guy randomly approaches her for "friendship" purposes... it doesn't go over very well. Girls will automatically assume that you ultimately want to hook up with them or date them.
If a girl says "Hey, I don't see you that way", then why don't you just follow up by saying "that's cool, I don't see you that way either. I just wanted to check out that new movie with a buddy, and thought you might want to see it too."
IMPORTANT NOTE:
If she relaxes her guard and actually goes to this movie with you, then DO NOT under any circumstances view her as anything more than a buddy. You must assume going forward that any interaction you have (no matter how many times she texts you, calls you on the phone or hangs out with you) is PURELY platonic friendship on her part.
Problems can happen when after this "negotiation" the original party starts to interpret the buddy situation as meaning more than it does and gets hopeful, and the person that said they aren't interested relaxes their guard because they think the intentions are all out in the open and the situation is understood.
Lastly... try not to be so annoyed when a girl lets you know upfront that she isn't interested or has a boyfriend. She's just trying to avoid potential awkwardness or you feeling like you wasted your time if you have romantic intentions. If a girl tells you that she's not into you and you still want to be friends, take it for what it is... friendship... don't take it as a sign that you're willing to "take it slow" as you said. She's not into you. And guys that say "ok" but then continue the friendship in the hopes that eventually will be able to wear her down is what tends to piss off girls and make them avoid guys like this altogether.
You appear to be saying that you purely see them as 'friendship potential' from the beginning. Are you sure about this? You go back and forth in your post by saying "for some yea its true but most is not true" and "I already like 2 girls my age". You seem ambivalent about your own intentions. Or maybe you're just putting out feelers and seeing what their reaction to you is first. That being... if you see an opening to close the deal then you're happy to take it, but if not, you can live with being 'just friends'. If this is the case then you are probably projecting that you're into them in more than a friendly way from the beginning.
Here's the thing... men and women can often become friends if they are involved in similar activity, classes, sports or clubs or live in the same apartment or college dorm. When a girl is sitting on a bench and a guy randomly approaches her for "friendship" purposes... it doesn't go over very well. Girls will automatically assume that you ultimately want to hook up with them or date them.
If a girl says "Hey, I don't see you that way", then why don't you just follow up by saying "that's cool, I don't see you that way either. I just wanted to check out that new movie with a buddy, and thought you might want to see it too."
IMPORTANT NOTE:
If she relaxes her guard and actually goes to this movie with you, then DO NOT under any circumstances view her as anything more than a buddy. You must assume going forward that any interaction you have (no matter how many times she texts you, calls you on the phone or hangs out with you) is PURELY platonic friendship on her part.
Problems can happen when after this "negotiation" the original party starts to interpret the buddy situation as meaning more than it does and gets hopeful, and the person that said they aren't interested relaxes their guard because they think the intentions are all out in the open and the situation is understood.
Lastly... try not to be so annoyed when a girl lets you know upfront that she isn't interested or has a boyfriend. She's just trying to avoid potential awkwardness or you feeling like you wasted your time if you have romantic intentions. If a girl tells you that she's not into you and you still want to be friends, take it for what it is... friendship... don't take it as a sign that you're willing to "take it slow" as you said. She's not into you. And guys that say "ok" but then continue the friendship in the hopes that eventually will be able to wear her down is what tends to piss off girls and make them avoid guys like this altogether.
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Quote by WHR43
Olivia
I consider myself reasonably well informed about sex. Lie I think I am very well informed. But I have been one of the ejaculating females most of my sexual life. Not always but most of the time. I have now run into a young woman who claims it is a learned skill. I always thought either you could or you could not depending on the conditions. Please provide your expertise on the subject.
It might be a learned skill in that you need a certain amount of very vigorous g-spot manipulation to attain female ejaculation and many women simply don't try or experience this, either through masturbation or intercourse.
Some women have ejaculated once in their lifetime but never again.
Others do it quite regularly, and some don't at all.
The actual percentage of females who ejaculate is uncertain. However, in Masters and Johnson's famous lab experiments with over 400 women, they did not record anyone who ejaculated at climax.
I believe that conditions have to be right in order to achieve g-spot orgasm. Women who have never tried intense g-spot stimulation may be entirely capable of squirting but just haven't experimented with letting themselves get there, so in that sense, yes it can be something of a learned skill.
It just has to be assumed that not every woman will have the right physicality and ability to let themselves go in order to produce a full squirting effect. Similar to how many women are unable to achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration alone.
Orgasm is a physical reaction but it is very guided and influenced by our psychology and mindset as well.
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Unfortunately your friend has been demoted to FuckBuddy status and she doesn't appear to be aware of it yet.
Given that they had a relationship at one point, she sees this as "on again and off again" and maybe even along the lines of "working things out." He, on the other hand, sees it as a fun fuck when he's in town with a girl he's already familiar with and which requires zero effort in order to close the deal. It's far more reliable than trolling bars for new girls when he's in town. He has a sure thing, ready and waiting.
The reason I am being so harsh with how I see this is due to two reasons.
1. It's the truth.
2. Anytime a guy avoids going into public with a girl, and when all your time spent together involves discreet fuck-sessions indoors, he is not seeing this as a relationship. I'm assuming he probably doesn't call her when he's back home and more likely sends her a few texts along the lines of "hey, wanna get together?" or "we should hang out tonight."
Now, there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. I support the fuckbuddy system... as long as both people know where they stand.
Often one person likes the other person more, and while the other person is aware of this, they choose to ignore it or avoid it in order to enjoy the no-strings sex involved. The other person may continue with delusions of what they have because they don't understand why this person would not want to pursue them properly if they have such a great sexual connection.
Which leads me to another point. Sometimes the sexual connection isn't even that great. Sometimes it's just an option to getting the pipes cleaned. What she might think of as this magical physical chemistry, he might just see as a willing warm-bodied female that is giving him open access.
Kornpopper, I think you are giving her the right advice, although whether she will actually listen to you is probably another matter.
If she is pinning romantic hopes on him, she is definitely getting played in this situation. If she's able to let go of the relationship-emotions she had with him and just see him as a fun hook-up (the re-use and recycle policy with exes can be very mutually satisfying), then I'd say let her enjoy it for what it is.
In the end they are both young and there is probably lots of pipe-cleaning in their immediate future with various sexual and romantic prospects.
The general rule is: when feelings are still involved, using your ex as a fuckbuddy is probably a very doomed idea.
And
If you never go into public with a person, then you are not in a relationship.
Given that they had a relationship at one point, she sees this as "on again and off again" and maybe even along the lines of "working things out." He, on the other hand, sees it as a fun fuck when he's in town with a girl he's already familiar with and which requires zero effort in order to close the deal. It's far more reliable than trolling bars for new girls when he's in town. He has a sure thing, ready and waiting.
The reason I am being so harsh with how I see this is due to two reasons.
1. It's the truth.
2. Anytime a guy avoids going into public with a girl, and when all your time spent together involves discreet fuck-sessions indoors, he is not seeing this as a relationship. I'm assuming he probably doesn't call her when he's back home and more likely sends her a few texts along the lines of "hey, wanna get together?" or "we should hang out tonight."
Now, there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. I support the fuckbuddy system... as long as both people know where they stand.
Often one person likes the other person more, and while the other person is aware of this, they choose to ignore it or avoid it in order to enjoy the no-strings sex involved. The other person may continue with delusions of what they have because they don't understand why this person would not want to pursue them properly if they have such a great sexual connection.
Which leads me to another point. Sometimes the sexual connection isn't even that great. Sometimes it's just an option to getting the pipes cleaned. What she might think of as this magical physical chemistry, he might just see as a willing warm-bodied female that is giving him open access.
Kornpopper, I think you are giving her the right advice, although whether she will actually listen to you is probably another matter.
If she is pinning romantic hopes on him, she is definitely getting played in this situation. If she's able to let go of the relationship-emotions she had with him and just see him as a fun hook-up (the re-use and recycle policy with exes can be very mutually satisfying), then I'd say let her enjoy it for what it is.
In the end they are both young and there is probably lots of pipe-cleaning in their immediate future with various sexual and romantic prospects.
The general rule is: when feelings are still involved, using your ex as a fuckbuddy is probably a very doomed idea.
And
If you never go into public with a person, then you are not in a relationship.
Active Ink Slinger
You didn't really explain why you couldn't accept the gift, so I'll give you answers for a few different scenarios.
1. A Lush stalker says he wants to send you a present. You have no interest in this man but for some reason feel guilty about not accepting a gift offer.
In cases like this, please do not give your home address to men you aren't into. It usually leads to other things, like them showing up on your doorstep with a 'surprise, it's me!' greeting. Even if you just see him as a friend, if he's wanting to send you a gift in the mail, chances are he wants more from you. You have to be careful with these types... sometimes they are unstable and you might end up needing to change your name and move before gift #2 arrives.
2. You are having a secret online affair and can't accept a gift because you don't want it arrive at your house and inadvertently end up in the hands of your husband.
If this is the reason you can't accept the gift, you could try explaining this to him. If he doesn't know of your 'situation' yet, you could also get a separate mailbox (PO boxes only cost about $10/month). He can send it there and only you will have access to it. This also helps avoid giving away too much personal info like your real home address. Depending on your relationship with him, you may or may not want to divulge this.
*** To break the ice, you could also just direct him to this forum link. If you're not comfortable accepting a gift, then just say "No". It works every time!
1. A Lush stalker says he wants to send you a present. You have no interest in this man but for some reason feel guilty about not accepting a gift offer.
In cases like this, please do not give your home address to men you aren't into. It usually leads to other things, like them showing up on your doorstep with a 'surprise, it's me!' greeting. Even if you just see him as a friend, if he's wanting to send you a gift in the mail, chances are he wants more from you. You have to be careful with these types... sometimes they are unstable and you might end up needing to change your name and move before gift #2 arrives.
2. You are having a secret online affair and can't accept a gift because you don't want it arrive at your house and inadvertently end up in the hands of your husband.
If this is the reason you can't accept the gift, you could try explaining this to him. If he doesn't know of your 'situation' yet, you could also get a separate mailbox (PO boxes only cost about $10/month). He can send it there and only you will have access to it. This also helps avoid giving away too much personal info like your real home address. Depending on your relationship with him, you may or may not want to divulge this.
*** To break the ice, you could also just direct him to this forum link. If you're not comfortable accepting a gift, then just say "No". It works every time!
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Quote by spriteQuote by Olivia
In the throes of post-relationship mayhem, you may develop a strong urge to tell all your mutual friends how he/she was the reincarnation of Satan and how you know they "will be alone forever" because they are "so screwed up".
What if they really were the reincarnation of Satan? Ok, this is a serious question. What do you do if you find out your ex is dating someone else.... do you warn the new person about them? I'm not just talking sour apples here, i'm talking about getting out of an abusive relationship. What should you do, just stay out of it or should you make an attempt to warn the new love interest that she should be careful? What are your responsibilities and where should you draw the line?
Sometimes we do happen to come across a few of Satan's little helpers in the dating pool. Once we are out of the relationship though, consider yourself free of all chains when it comes to altruistically warning their future dating prospects.
I have often thought of the benefits of a dating version of "RatemyMD.com" where people leave ratings/comments about their physicians. Except in the case of ex boyfriend and girlfriends, I suspect the slander would reach epic proportions and we certainly don't need anymore petty lawsuits in the system.
My advice would be... do not give unsolicited advice. If this new girl is aware of your past and seeks to ask you about him 'woman to woman' or puts some feelers out through mutual friends in your social circle, that's one thing. But you contacting her to warn her will only do two things:
1. It might enrage your ex-bf who now has an issue with you slandering his name. You don't want to worry about retaliation or consequences of an angry guy who thinks you are interfering in his life.
2. If she is in the throes of new love/lust, she probably won't believe you anyway, but will rather think you are jealous and petty and trying to sabotage her relationship in order to get him back for yourself. If she does tell him about your warnings, he will dismiss you as crazy and a stalker and explain away all your accusations anyway. People won't hear what they are not ready to hear.
However...
If you happen to run into this girl or one of her close friends on the same social scene and you notice she has that vacant look of a woman in relationship distress (you know the one I'm talking about right? vaguely worried, slightly numb, insecure and uneasy)... then you could pull her aside and just say that you hope she's well, and you don't want to interfere but if she ever needed advice or a girl-to-girl talk about Mr. Satan that you'd be happy to chat with her. Make sure you come across as breezy and regretful if you're overstepping your bounds, but that you are doing this in the interests of looking out for a fellow female above all else. Then... let her choose if she wants to ask for more information from you. Let it be her choice.
Again, I would really only recommend this in serious situations. You don't owe anyone... after all, nobody warned you about him, right? But if you feel strongly about the warning and feel like as a woman you wish someone would have told you this too, you can gently try this route. Just be prepared to not get that warm "wow, thanks for warning me, girlfriend!" reaction that you want. She may be suspicious of your intentions. But if she's already seeing bad signs and red flags in the relationship, she might actually welcome information that might help steer her in the right direction and avoid wasting time with a certified asshole.
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Ok, the honeymoon is over and your relationship is now decomposing in the "Fail Bin"
When people ask you what happened or questions you about your ex, how do you handle them?
In the throes of post-relationship mayhem, you may develop a strong urge to tell all your mutual friends how he/she was the reincarnation of Satan and how you know they "will be alone forever" because they are "so screwed up".
Here are some quick tips on how to handle the aftermath in a positive way:
1. Do not use your friends as a free therapist.
Yes, your friends are there to comfort you in your time of need and talk you through relationship disasters and meltdowns but please don't take advantage of this to the point where all you can talk about for weeks on end is your ex, what happened and why you hate them. Those endless updates when he/she calls, emails, or picks a post-break-up fight are at the forefront of your mind (understandably so), but don't forget that your friends are there to cheer you up and help you get over things in a positive way. If you are extremely distraught and can't seem to get over an ex, just be aware of how much air time you give them when you are hanging out with friends. If you find it's taking up the bulk of your interaction with friends and family, you might want to consider going to an actual therapist who will be happy to listen to you for as long as you need to talk about it.
2. Try to be classy about the breakup, even if your ex is not.
Eventually this break-up (with time) will settle into a distant place in your past. The emotions and anger will diminish and you will no longer be invested in the situation. Try to remember that when you talk about your ex publicly (with friends and family). Dragging their name through the mud and spilling all sorts of sordid details about them in an effort to make them look bad will probably come back to haunt you. You want to come across as classy as possible. Trust me, you will look better to everyone involved if you do that. Telling anyone who will listen how your ex-bf likes to snort cocaine, how you once found gay porn on his computer and how his finances are a total wreck will end up making you look just as bad. Even if he was an absolute monster to you, the important thing to remember is that the best revenge is in how you handle it and how smoothly you are able to move past everything and get on with your life.
3. The importance of the sensitivity chip.
Jennifer Aniston famously said that Brad Pitt was missing a sensitivity chip when he dumped her for La Jolie. If you have done the dumping, please be aware that you have probably hurt or emotionally devastated your ex. Give them some time (think of it as a grace period) before flaunting your new guy or girl in their face and around your social circle. Just because it's officially over doesn't mean three hours later you should be introducing all your friends and family to the new love of your life. Not only does it make it obvious that you were phasing out your ex at the same time as you were nurturing a new relationship (ie. cheating) but it also makes you look like an ass. Your common friends will probably be a bit uncomfortable about this so don't put them in the middle of the mess by asking them to accept this new person right away. Take a bit of a social breather as a 'single person' even if there is someone else already in the picture. Go slow and keep things discreet until a bit of 'healing time' passes.
4. When looking back on the past, be gracious about the memories.
After some time has passed, try to honor what you did have with your ex by saying simple things like "in the end we were just a mismatch" or "it just didn't work out". There is no need to go into detail with people about how she gained too much weight, or he got lazy and boring or how the sex was horrible and meaningless.
Take this little recent public reflection by Brad Pitt as a big 'no-no' on what not to do. Play nice and remember karma will probably one day come back to bite you in the ass if you don't.
5. Don't become a post-relationship stalker
If you still entertain ideas about how this breakup is just a phase and that one day you will probably get back together, then your behaviour during this breakup is more important than ever. That means avoid social stalking and endless emails/texts/phone-calls until they 'come to their senses' and realize what they lost. Remember that they can't realize anything until you are actually out of the picture. If you are brave enough to consider another relationship round with them one day in the future, how you handle yourself during this post-break-up will be very telling. If you dissolve into an emotional mess constantly, cry, threaten suicide, beg them for another chance and try to find ways to get more 'face time' with them in the hopes that they will change their mind then think about the kind of image you are projecting to them. Would you want to date you based on your current behaviour? Try to present yourself in a classy and rational way and find some closure (for now). Who knows what might happen in the future, but showing your ex that you are strong, happy and able to move on from the past will definitely let you shine in a positive light.
When people ask you what happened or questions you about your ex, how do you handle them?
In the throes of post-relationship mayhem, you may develop a strong urge to tell all your mutual friends how he/she was the reincarnation of Satan and how you know they "will be alone forever" because they are "so screwed up".
Here are some quick tips on how to handle the aftermath in a positive way:
1. Do not use your friends as a free therapist.
Yes, your friends are there to comfort you in your time of need and talk you through relationship disasters and meltdowns but please don't take advantage of this to the point where all you can talk about for weeks on end is your ex, what happened and why you hate them. Those endless updates when he/she calls, emails, or picks a post-break-up fight are at the forefront of your mind (understandably so), but don't forget that your friends are there to cheer you up and help you get over things in a positive way. If you are extremely distraught and can't seem to get over an ex, just be aware of how much air time you give them when you are hanging out with friends. If you find it's taking up the bulk of your interaction with friends and family, you might want to consider going to an actual therapist who will be happy to listen to you for as long as you need to talk about it.
2. Try to be classy about the breakup, even if your ex is not.
Eventually this break-up (with time) will settle into a distant place in your past. The emotions and anger will diminish and you will no longer be invested in the situation. Try to remember that when you talk about your ex publicly (with friends and family). Dragging their name through the mud and spilling all sorts of sordid details about them in an effort to make them look bad will probably come back to haunt you. You want to come across as classy as possible. Trust me, you will look better to everyone involved if you do that. Telling anyone who will listen how your ex-bf likes to snort cocaine, how you once found gay porn on his computer and how his finances are a total wreck will end up making you look just as bad. Even if he was an absolute monster to you, the important thing to remember is that the best revenge is in how you handle it and how smoothly you are able to move past everything and get on with your life.
3. The importance of the sensitivity chip.
Jennifer Aniston famously said that Brad Pitt was missing a sensitivity chip when he dumped her for La Jolie. If you have done the dumping, please be aware that you have probably hurt or emotionally devastated your ex. Give them some time (think of it as a grace period) before flaunting your new guy or girl in their face and around your social circle. Just because it's officially over doesn't mean three hours later you should be introducing all your friends and family to the new love of your life. Not only does it make it obvious that you were phasing out your ex at the same time as you were nurturing a new relationship (ie. cheating) but it also makes you look like an ass. Your common friends will probably be a bit uncomfortable about this so don't put them in the middle of the mess by asking them to accept this new person right away. Take a bit of a social breather as a 'single person' even if there is someone else already in the picture. Go slow and keep things discreet until a bit of 'healing time' passes.
4. When looking back on the past, be gracious about the memories.
After some time has passed, try to honor what you did have with your ex by saying simple things like "in the end we were just a mismatch" or "it just didn't work out". There is no need to go into detail with people about how she gained too much weight, or he got lazy and boring or how the sex was horrible and meaningless.
Take this little recent public reflection by Brad Pitt as a big 'no-no' on what not to do. Play nice and remember karma will probably one day come back to bite you in the ass if you don't.
Quote by [url=http://www.hollyscoop.com/brad-pitt/brad-pitt-my-marriage-to-jennifer-aniston-was-pretending-it-was-something-it-wasnt.html
Brad Pitt[/url]]
Brad Pitt says he spent his marriage to Jennifer Aniston "pretending" it was something that it wasn't and that the two were living a very uninteresting life before he met Angelina Jolie. You hear that? That is the sound of Jennifer Aniston's eggs drying up and the soft clink of the padlock of the crate that Jennifer Aniston keeps Justin Theroux locked inside.
Brad Pitt said that before his life became perfect (i.e. meeting Angelina, shopping for babies, not caring about his facial hair AT ALL) he was just some dumb hot 90's celeb, smoking weed and pretending he was in a happy marriage with Jen. The "Moneyball" star did something he's not used to, he opened up to a tabloid about his personal life. He tells the magazine Parade:
"I spent the '90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony. I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out."
Apparently, Brad hated this lifestyle, "It started to feel pathetic," he says, "It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn't living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage [to Jennifer Aniston] had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn't."
"One of the greatest, smartest things I ever did was give my kids Angie as their mom. She is such a great mom. Oh man, I'm so happy to have her."
5. Don't become a post-relationship stalker
If you still entertain ideas about how this breakup is just a phase and that one day you will probably get back together, then your behaviour during this breakup is more important than ever. That means avoid social stalking and endless emails/texts/phone-calls until they 'come to their senses' and realize what they lost. Remember that they can't realize anything until you are actually out of the picture. If you are brave enough to consider another relationship round with them one day in the future, how you handle yourself during this post-break-up will be very telling. If you dissolve into an emotional mess constantly, cry, threaten suicide, beg them for another chance and try to find ways to get more 'face time' with them in the hopes that they will change their mind then think about the kind of image you are projecting to them. Would you want to date you based on your current behaviour? Try to present yourself in a classy and rational way and find some closure (for now). Who knows what might happen in the future, but showing your ex that you are strong, happy and able to move on from the past will definitely let you shine in a positive light.
Active Ink Slinger
This "friend" of yours reminds me of the type that drives an ugly brown van and has a stock of kiddie candy and lost-puppy leashes in the back of it... He's just targeting a different demographic.
My advice?
No, you do not need to let your friend have his way with you in order to repay him.
I think it's commonly known that when we say "If there is anything I can do to return the favor", we aren't usually talking about blow-jobs and ass fucking. Your friend is quite the manipulative pervert.
i would not tell him that you are bi-curious (that will just lead to unnecessary complications), but just explain that you are not attracted to men so this 'favor' isn't going to happen. This is not the Medieval Times so you aren't indebted to him to the degree that you must do whatever he asks or he will avenge your rejection by setting up a new accident which brings your original fate into play.
Just simply ask for a different non-sexual request.
Or, if you want to keep it kinky, you can offer to pay for a male escort to give him the fucking of his life. Your credit card, but not your ass. That seems fair for all involved.
If you are 'curious' enough to be leaning towards saying yes, then I'd recommend a lot of alcohol and a lot of lube (and set the ground rules before the action starts).
Let us know how it turns out!
My advice?
No, you do not need to let your friend have his way with you in order to repay him.
I think it's commonly known that when we say "If there is anything I can do to return the favor", we aren't usually talking about blow-jobs and ass fucking. Your friend is quite the manipulative pervert.
i would not tell him that you are bi-curious (that will just lead to unnecessary complications), but just explain that you are not attracted to men so this 'favor' isn't going to happen. This is not the Medieval Times so you aren't indebted to him to the degree that you must do whatever he asks or he will avenge your rejection by setting up a new accident which brings your original fate into play.
Just simply ask for a different non-sexual request.
Or, if you want to keep it kinky, you can offer to pay for a male escort to give him the fucking of his life. Your credit card, but not your ass. That seems fair for all involved.
If you are 'curious' enough to be leaning towards saying yes, then I'd recommend a lot of alcohol and a lot of lube (and set the ground rules before the action starts).
Let us know how it turns out!
Active Ink Slinger
This is a private question I received where the person wishes to remain anonymous:
Hey, how can I overcome the frustration of rejection? I'm at the point now where I've started smashing the shit outta stuff because I cant get a date. I've been everywhere and tried pretty much everything. I've spent money I dont have, I've joined dating agencies, online dating, speed dating, gone to clubs, bars, at the gym, swimming pool, everywhere you can think of and yet nothing and now its at a stage where I dont know what to do anymore
Without having analyzed your exact style of approach, my immediate thoughts are... maybe you're trying too hard?
It appears that you have a print-out of the check list on "where to meet girls" and are feverishly checking them all off. As the lead in your pencil begins to dwindle, so do your hopes and dreams. Yes, the singles scene does suck.
Here are some things you might want to ask yourself:
1. Are you being too aggressive in your approach?
When all of your social activities and interests revolve around the singular focus of "picking up chicks" there is a problem. For lack of a better term, think of it as "Eau de Desperation" and women can smell it a mile away. If you find yourself entering a bar, gym, swimming pool with the look of a starving animal desperate for a meal in the shape of a female conquest, it's very obvious, and very much a turn-off. There is a lot to be said about the casual laid-back approach of a guy that can take it or leave it... someone that is having a good time doing whatever he is doing and ends up interacting with someone they might be interested in, but are still 'cool' enough to not be overly aggressive about trying to seal the deal.
2. Are you behaving like an annoying door-to-door salesman and hitting up every single girl you encounter?
When you are at a location where you have plans to meet and pick up women, be aware that everyone have some measure of social awareness. Even if you're not directly interacting with certain people, that doesn't mean that they haven't casually taken notice of you in the vicinity. This means that if you are rushing your attempt to close the deal with a girl and she brushes you off, you should not just take a two minute breather and then hit up the next girl you see. Women notice the creepy guys that are putting the moves on every girl they come across, especially as the sea of rejection behind them begins to swell like a tsunami. This makes you exponentially more undesirable. Not only will you come across as a desperate guy in general, but the lack of interest starts to become contagious. Women tend to behave similarly and if they've just watched you be rejected all night long, chances are they are going to follow the trend that's already been set by their female peers.
3. Are you trying to date out of your league?
Sometimes people are get upset because they feel they are always being 'rejected' by their desired demographic. Try to look objectively at this demographic. Are you sure you're not aiming too high? Very much like the tragic tale of the "nice guy" versus the "bad boy", lots of men get hung up on the bad girls and the perfect 10s and completely bypass the "nice girls" and the average types that would be far better suited to them. I'm not just talking about superficial attractiveness either. If you are a quiet, stay at home type that isn't confident when it comes to love and sex, going after the wild party girls or the popular extroverted cheerleader types probably isn't the best move. You can keep chasing these women and being rejected, or you can start broadening your dating demographic. Remember... you can't hunt for lions and tigers if all you are carrying is a BB gun. Start small and consider going after more attainable targets.
4. Being in an 'unattractive state of mind' does not make you desirable or dateable.
Your comments about "smashing the shit outta stuff" and "spending money you don't have" and extreme focus on needing a relationship in order to validate happiness and success does not translate into the image of a confident desirable man. I know the singles scene can be difficult, but think about the image you are projecting, and think about the way you feel about yourself in general. People want to be around positive energy. It's more important to work on this first, in my opinion.
In terms of overcoming the frustration of rejection:
Remember that it happens to everyone. Everyone gets rejected at some point and even the most beautiful and successful people get cheated on or dumped. This is just part of life.
You can do the anger quick fixes like "smashing stuff" or sitting in your car and screaming at the top of your lungs or maybe even turn it into some kind of positive energy release like running or kickboxing.
Or you can try not to take everything so personally and just understand that "it is what it is" and at the end of the day, life still goes on. Finding some hobbies or interests outside of dating (or trying to date) is probably a wise idea. You don't want this to become an obsessive focus. As I said before, you have to be able to find happiness in your life on your own first before you can expect to invite someone else into it.
Hey, how can I overcome the frustration of rejection? I'm at the point now where I've started smashing the shit outta stuff because I cant get a date. I've been everywhere and tried pretty much everything. I've spent money I dont have, I've joined dating agencies, online dating, speed dating, gone to clubs, bars, at the gym, swimming pool, everywhere you can think of and yet nothing and now its at a stage where I dont know what to do anymore
Without having analyzed your exact style of approach, my immediate thoughts are... maybe you're trying too hard?
It appears that you have a print-out of the check list on "where to meet girls" and are feverishly checking them all off. As the lead in your pencil begins to dwindle, so do your hopes and dreams. Yes, the singles scene does suck.
Here are some things you might want to ask yourself:
1. Are you being too aggressive in your approach?
When all of your social activities and interests revolve around the singular focus of "picking up chicks" there is a problem. For lack of a better term, think of it as "Eau de Desperation" and women can smell it a mile away. If you find yourself entering a bar, gym, swimming pool with the look of a starving animal desperate for a meal in the shape of a female conquest, it's very obvious, and very much a turn-off. There is a lot to be said about the casual laid-back approach of a guy that can take it or leave it... someone that is having a good time doing whatever he is doing and ends up interacting with someone they might be interested in, but are still 'cool' enough to not be overly aggressive about trying to seal the deal.
2. Are you behaving like an annoying door-to-door salesman and hitting up every single girl you encounter?
When you are at a location where you have plans to meet and pick up women, be aware that everyone have some measure of social awareness. Even if you're not directly interacting with certain people, that doesn't mean that they haven't casually taken notice of you in the vicinity. This means that if you are rushing your attempt to close the deal with a girl and she brushes you off, you should not just take a two minute breather and then hit up the next girl you see. Women notice the creepy guys that are putting the moves on every girl they come across, especially as the sea of rejection behind them begins to swell like a tsunami. This makes you exponentially more undesirable. Not only will you come across as a desperate guy in general, but the lack of interest starts to become contagious. Women tend to behave similarly and if they've just watched you be rejected all night long, chances are they are going to follow the trend that's already been set by their female peers.
3. Are you trying to date out of your league?
Sometimes people are get upset because they feel they are always being 'rejected' by their desired demographic. Try to look objectively at this demographic. Are you sure you're not aiming too high? Very much like the tragic tale of the "nice guy" versus the "bad boy", lots of men get hung up on the bad girls and the perfect 10s and completely bypass the "nice girls" and the average types that would be far better suited to them. I'm not just talking about superficial attractiveness either. If you are a quiet, stay at home type that isn't confident when it comes to love and sex, going after the wild party girls or the popular extroverted cheerleader types probably isn't the best move. You can keep chasing these women and being rejected, or you can start broadening your dating demographic. Remember... you can't hunt for lions and tigers if all you are carrying is a BB gun. Start small and consider going after more attainable targets.
4. Being in an 'unattractive state of mind' does not make you desirable or dateable.
Your comments about "smashing the shit outta stuff" and "spending money you don't have" and extreme focus on needing a relationship in order to validate happiness and success does not translate into the image of a confident desirable man. I know the singles scene can be difficult, but think about the image you are projecting, and think about the way you feel about yourself in general. People want to be around positive energy. It's more important to work on this first, in my opinion.
In terms of overcoming the frustration of rejection:
Remember that it happens to everyone. Everyone gets rejected at some point and even the most beautiful and successful people get cheated on or dumped. This is just part of life.
You can do the anger quick fixes like "smashing stuff" or sitting in your car and screaming at the top of your lungs or maybe even turn it into some kind of positive energy release like running or kickboxing.
Or you can try not to take everything so personally and just understand that "it is what it is" and at the end of the day, life still goes on. Finding some hobbies or interests outside of dating (or trying to date) is probably a wise idea. You don't want this to become an obsessive focus. As I said before, you have to be able to find happiness in your life on your own first before you can expect to invite someone else into it.
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by GiganticTager
The term bitch is defined in an offensive manner as 'A woman considered to be spiteful or overbearing'. By this definition the OP is not bitching. I would also then put a question to Olivia who seems to think that this behaviour is harmless and just part of 'competitiveness'. What happens when a child is bullied at school or a person is tormented at work with wild rumours from people they don't know or have no social contact with is this an act of 'competitiveness'? Personally? i don't find this in any way shape or form competitive as it is a way of people socially trying to ostracise someone from a group which I am sure many would consider to be spiteful being true to the definition of the term 'bitch'. This is also true of your 'typical male' example. If a man acts out his friends and peers will normally tell him he is being an ass. Only case in point with that line is when he has surrounded himself with like minded people.
To winky. Some women will talk shit simply because it affects them in their social circles to do so e.g high school and certain affluent lifestyles. This can be translated down through social classes where people dont follow the idiom i was always taught by my parents, do as I say and not as I do. People are inherently social and will do a lot to fit in to their desired 'cliques' this includes social outcasting of anything they feel does not fit their archetype models.
Yes, it is competitiveness. Wanting to ostracize someone from a social group is an act of social competition. It happens in the animal kingdom and the human kingdom. It is about competing for social status and everything that goes along with that. You state "people will do a lot to fit in to their desired cliques"... The things that they do are forms of social competition. Why else would someone want to 'ostracize' someone? Just because they are a natural born asshole? People don't act without some kind of purpose and incentive. The formation of social cliques and hierarchy is very common among social pack animals (humans included).
Your desire to use the term "Bitch" is merely a need to find a label for negative behaviour. It is just a word. A word that many women use proudly in an attempt to demystify and destigmatize a term that has been thrown around as a way of putting down the female gender. A woman that is in control and exerts her authority does not need to be seen as something negative.
Social competition is a reality of life. When you encounter this, you have two options:
1. Fight Back:
Counteract and mirror that exact same negative behaviour back to them. ie. call them a bitch right back to them and find ways to undermine their social status, spread rumours, gossip about them etc.
2. Ignore:
Remove yourself from the negative people. You do have that choice. Most 'catty' or socially aggressive people are looking for a response from you. When they don't get one, it's often no longer considered a challenge nor does it provide them with the drama they seek. You can see a micro-example of this phenomena when people engage in forum arguments or challenges. When one stops posting, then the game ends and the antagonizer is forced to move on. Is 'fighting back' really worth your time and effort? Many people will choose to just remove themselves from being around negative people. Negative people are energy-wasters, and as adults we are free to choose not to engage.
Which one is the right choice? It depends on whether you like the drama or whether you are genuinely upset at the 'catty behaviour' and want to put an end to it.
People are free to make their own choices. But people are not born "mean"... Cliques, ostracizing people, and bullying are all forms of social competition. That doesn't make them right, that just makes them a reality of social species interactions.
Active Ink Slinger
If you're 'not sure' if you achieved orgasm, then I can guarantee you that you didn't.
You will know when you do.
The truth is that many woman can't achieve orgasm through sex alone. And let's face it, many men are not particularly skilled at it either but have been propelled along with a false belief in their sexual prowess by women that have 'faked it' because they didn't want to 'hurt his feelings'.
In order to achieve orgasm during sex (whether via sex, foreplay, oral etc), two things need to be in place.
1. The guy has to know what he's doing.
If he doesn't know, then you need to be helpful with encouraging him along. When he's doing something that feels good, don't be afraid to be verbal and tell him to go deeper or flick your clit harder or to 'not stop' whatever he is doing in that exact moment. Men actually love being told what to do in bed. Knowing that they are turning you on will turn them on too. So don't be afraid to direct them until you can hit that climax.
2. You need to feel totally comfortable with your body, your partner and the experience you are having.
Some women can't totally 'let go' for whatever reason. She might be insecure about being in that totally vulnerable state of orgasm where you can't care what you sound like or whether your face is going blotchy or that your cellulite is jiggling. If you are the type that likes to be in control at all times, or you don't feel totally comfortable with being with the men you are being intimate with, then this may inhibit your ability to achieve orgasm. If, during sex, you're experiencing a train of thoughts ranging from "gee, I need to pick up my dress from the dry-cleaners tomorrow" to "omg, his dick is way smaller than I thought it was going to be" to "wow, we're finally having sex, I wonder if he'll call" or "what does this mean to our relationship" then you will definitely be too inhibited and distracted to experience orgasm.
But getting back to knowing it when you feel it:
Based on your post, I get the feeling that you haven't achieved orgasm at all since you are uncertain of what it feels like. If you have never masturbated or orgasmed before, I can guarantee you that you aren't going to magically have your first climax during a standard round of sex. The more you can understand and experiment with how you can achieve orgasm, the better chance you will have at experiencing orgasm with a partner. You need to practice on your own first. Use your fingers or a clit-vibrator (they are very inexpensive and easy to find). You may want to start by watching porn, reading erotica, or thinking about something that you find arousing. Once you achieve orgasm (and trust me, you will know it when you hit that peak) then you will better understand your body and what kind of rhythms, pressure, and stimulation it needs to climax.
I should also say that there is nothing wrong with using some kind of added clit stimulation during intercourse. You can use your fingers, or he can use his, or you can experiment using a small couples-toy. Orgasm during intercourse can be a tricky one for many women. There is no shame in enjoying a helping hand to speed things along...
You will know when you do.
The truth is that many woman can't achieve orgasm through sex alone. And let's face it, many men are not particularly skilled at it either but have been propelled along with a false belief in their sexual prowess by women that have 'faked it' because they didn't want to 'hurt his feelings'.
In order to achieve orgasm during sex (whether via sex, foreplay, oral etc), two things need to be in place.
1. The guy has to know what he's doing.
If he doesn't know, then you need to be helpful with encouraging him along. When he's doing something that feels good, don't be afraid to be verbal and tell him to go deeper or flick your clit harder or to 'not stop' whatever he is doing in that exact moment. Men actually love being told what to do in bed. Knowing that they are turning you on will turn them on too. So don't be afraid to direct them until you can hit that climax.
2. You need to feel totally comfortable with your body, your partner and the experience you are having.
Some women can't totally 'let go' for whatever reason. She might be insecure about being in that totally vulnerable state of orgasm where you can't care what you sound like or whether your face is going blotchy or that your cellulite is jiggling. If you are the type that likes to be in control at all times, or you don't feel totally comfortable with being with the men you are being intimate with, then this may inhibit your ability to achieve orgasm. If, during sex, you're experiencing a train of thoughts ranging from "gee, I need to pick up my dress from the dry-cleaners tomorrow" to "omg, his dick is way smaller than I thought it was going to be" to "wow, we're finally having sex, I wonder if he'll call" or "what does this mean to our relationship" then you will definitely be too inhibited and distracted to experience orgasm.
But getting back to knowing it when you feel it:
Based on your post, I get the feeling that you haven't achieved orgasm at all since you are uncertain of what it feels like. If you have never masturbated or orgasmed before, I can guarantee you that you aren't going to magically have your first climax during a standard round of sex. The more you can understand and experiment with how you can achieve orgasm, the better chance you will have at experiencing orgasm with a partner. You need to practice on your own first. Use your fingers or a clit-vibrator (they are very inexpensive and easy to find). You may want to start by watching porn, reading erotica, or thinking about something that you find arousing. Once you achieve orgasm (and trust me, you will know it when you hit that peak) then you will better understand your body and what kind of rhythms, pressure, and stimulation it needs to climax.
I should also say that there is nothing wrong with using some kind of added clit stimulation during intercourse. You can use your fingers, or he can use his, or you can experiment using a small couples-toy. Orgasm during intercourse can be a tricky one for many women. There is no shame in enjoying a helping hand to speed things along...
Active Ink Slinger
Quote by rockstar81
What if your reaction is to dive into the water too? Join them in being shark chum.
Never, ever consider becoming shark chum.
This is what we would call the 'relationship martyr'. You know the type... those women that sob "I can't live without you, I'd rather die!" whilst they drown their sorrows in tequila and camp-out in front of their ex-boyfriend's house until he agrees to 'talk'.
As unfortunate and messy as those chum waters are, 'tis always better to stay safe and dry on the boat with a nice chardonnay and live to play another day.
Active Ink Slinger
Ah the dissent of this thread just clearly goes to show all that when the idea of "Catty" or "Bitchy" girls is raised, everyone wants to get in on the action. Maybe there is that subliminal feeling that after a good bitch-fest, there will be a naked pillow fight and under every catty girl is a wannabe lesbian who is just acting out her love/hate frustrations with the same sex.
But let's get over those stereotypes, even though in some cases it very well might be true (cough cough).
The answer to this question is complex:
1. Girls are not as naturally "nice" as society wants to pretend they are.
When a man acts out, gets territorial or pushes back against his buddies, he is seen as just being a typical 'guy'. Even as children, boys are encouraged to be competitive with their peers. Girls are dressed in pink and placed on gingham quilts with a set of dolls and told to be passive and nurturing. Is this really true nature, or is this just the way we want to imagine nature is? Why do we get so uncomfortable when we see girls displaying underlying characteristics that wouldn't bother us if it was a guy doing it?
Look at the differences in the way we label things:
* Molly is catty but Matt is competitive.
* Breanna is a slut but Brody is a ladies-man
* Kelly is a bitch but Kyle is an alpha male
There is nothing intrinsically wrong with any of these behaviours, yet we seem to take special offence when it is the female doing the competitive posturing.
2. Social competition drives some females to act out to secure men, attention, or status hence the "catty" or "bitchy" behaviour.
Now what kind of behaviour is it that you find upsetting? Many women are quick to label any female that they don't get along with immediately as catty, bitchy, stuck-up or snobby. What does that say about you? Insecurities may be at work that lead some women to want to find something wrong with females that 'do them wrong' or don't immediately want to be BFFs and welcome them into their social sorority. This is also an example of the woman that is upset giving in to her competitive instincts because most of the time the girl isn't just thinking "Wow, Annie is such a catty bitch" and going about her business. No, usually it involves telling everyone that will listen that you think she's a catty bitch and trying to get them on your side. There is an element of 'catty competition' working here too, even when you think that you're the wronged party. Women have similar drives to men, and in many animal species, the competitive drive among females is even higher than it is for males. The desire to reject or socially drive out other females is almost always a two-way street.
So lastly... why can't we all just get along?
Maybe lesbian pillow fights are indeed the answer.
For the rest, it usually comes down to ignoring negative behaviour, doing your thing, and not encouraging a "Mean Girls" style war... unless you're the type to get off on that kind of drama. Verbal sword fights are just the adult version of playground antics as far as Olivia is concerned. But oh, sometimes it can be rather... invigorating.... can't it.
But let's get over those stereotypes, even though in some cases it very well might be true (cough cough).
The answer to this question is complex:
1. Girls are not as naturally "nice" as society wants to pretend they are.
When a man acts out, gets territorial or pushes back against his buddies, he is seen as just being a typical 'guy'. Even as children, boys are encouraged to be competitive with their peers. Girls are dressed in pink and placed on gingham quilts with a set of dolls and told to be passive and nurturing. Is this really true nature, or is this just the way we want to imagine nature is? Why do we get so uncomfortable when we see girls displaying underlying characteristics that wouldn't bother us if it was a guy doing it?
Look at the differences in the way we label things:
* Molly is catty but Matt is competitive.
* Breanna is a slut but Brody is a ladies-man
* Kelly is a bitch but Kyle is an alpha male
There is nothing intrinsically wrong with any of these behaviours, yet we seem to take special offence when it is the female doing the competitive posturing.
2. Social competition drives some females to act out to secure men, attention, or status hence the "catty" or "bitchy" behaviour.
Now what kind of behaviour is it that you find upsetting? Many women are quick to label any female that they don't get along with immediately as catty, bitchy, stuck-up or snobby. What does that say about you? Insecurities may be at work that lead some women to want to find something wrong with females that 'do them wrong' or don't immediately want to be BFFs and welcome them into their social sorority. This is also an example of the woman that is upset giving in to her competitive instincts because most of the time the girl isn't just thinking "Wow, Annie is such a catty bitch" and going about her business. No, usually it involves telling everyone that will listen that you think she's a catty bitch and trying to get them on your side. There is an element of 'catty competition' working here too, even when you think that you're the wronged party. Women have similar drives to men, and in many animal species, the competitive drive among females is even higher than it is for males. The desire to reject or socially drive out other females is almost always a two-way street.
So lastly... why can't we all just get along?
Maybe lesbian pillow fights are indeed the answer.
For the rest, it usually comes down to ignoring negative behaviour, doing your thing, and not encouraging a "Mean Girls" style war... unless you're the type to get off on that kind of drama. Verbal sword fights are just the adult version of playground antics as far as Olivia is concerned. But oh, sometimes it can be rather... invigorating.... can't it.
Active Ink Slinger
Here is a message that I received recently that I will post here anonymously in order to answer:
"Dear Olivia,
Now that I have been fucked by a strap on, is it weird that although I have no interest in men, I want to feel a shemale´s cock filling my ass with her cum?
I would only want a shemale who really looked feminine. I even have the urge to suck her cock if asked to!!"
Dear Anonymous,
No, it isn't "weird" (no sex acts are weird to Auntie Olivia), but it just sounds like you are feeling experimental. There is nothing wrong with this. Naturally if you're experimental, you're going to enjoy strap-on sex and graduate from there to other experiences.
For the rest of the straight men out there, relax. Strap-on sex is not like a gate-way drug to bathhouses and dwarf orgies!
Think of it this way: just because you smoke marijuana, doesn't mean that you are destined to become a heroin addict, but those people who do end up as heroin addicts have probably tried marijuana at some point early in the game. Similarly, men that want to be with a shemale are probably very open to strap-on sex as a precursor.
Now... let's think of sex as a spectrum of experiences and desires. Everyone has their limitations and their curiosities and it's important to find a balance that you're comfortable with.
There is nothing wrong with being intrigued by or aroused by the idea of a shemale. As pretty as some of them look however, it appears your urge is to experience cock. Sometimes the idea of a shemale feels more comfortable as that gray zone between a woman and a man, and if it's exciting to you, then I encourage you to explore! Don't worry about getting hung up on labels like "what does this mean?" and "am I bisexual?"... Society is so focused on putting us all into neat little boxes, but when it comes to sexuality, my opinion has always been to do what feels natural. A little experimentation doesn't have to mean anything.
Sex is all about exploring desires and what feels good until you hit your limits... sometimes those limits change over time, but it's certainly very normal.
"Dear Olivia,
Now that I have been fucked by a strap on, is it weird that although I have no interest in men, I want to feel a shemale´s cock filling my ass with her cum?
I would only want a shemale who really looked feminine. I even have the urge to suck her cock if asked to!!"
Dear Anonymous,
No, it isn't "weird" (no sex acts are weird to Auntie Olivia), but it just sounds like you are feeling experimental. There is nothing wrong with this. Naturally if you're experimental, you're going to enjoy strap-on sex and graduate from there to other experiences.
For the rest of the straight men out there, relax. Strap-on sex is not like a gate-way drug to bathhouses and dwarf orgies!
Think of it this way: just because you smoke marijuana, doesn't mean that you are destined to become a heroin addict, but those people who do end up as heroin addicts have probably tried marijuana at some point early in the game. Similarly, men that want to be with a shemale are probably very open to strap-on sex as a precursor.
Now... let's think of sex as a spectrum of experiences and desires. Everyone has their limitations and their curiosities and it's important to find a balance that you're comfortable with.
There is nothing wrong with being intrigued by or aroused by the idea of a shemale. As pretty as some of them look however, it appears your urge is to experience cock. Sometimes the idea of a shemale feels more comfortable as that gray zone between a woman and a man, and if it's exciting to you, then I encourage you to explore! Don't worry about getting hung up on labels like "what does this mean?" and "am I bisexual?"... Society is so focused on putting us all into neat little boxes, but when it comes to sexuality, my opinion has always been to do what feels natural. A little experimentation doesn't have to mean anything.
Sex is all about exploring desires and what feels good until you hit your limits... sometimes those limits change over time, but it's certainly very normal.