The dinner was wonderful. Tina was the sweetest sister-in-law I could ever wish for. We found that we had lots of things in common, and quickly bonded. She told me all sorts of stories about Tony, and I shared stories from my time as his friend. I had to concentrate to adapt the stories to the new ‘reality’, but as long as Tony played along it went great. He seemed a bit uncomfortable with us sharing so much of his earlier days, but had no choice but to laugh along with us. Besides, he was in no position to complain.

After dinner we decided to go to a bar and have a couple of drinks. Tony was the complete gentleman and bought drinks for all three of us. It was strange how all the sweet, colourful drinks tasted great now that I pretended to be a girl. In my real life I absolutely hated any drink that was not brown, but now I downed one tall glass after the other. The table, and our hair, became littered with small umbrellas and lime.

The alcohol took away much of my former tension, and I spent hours on the dance floor with Tina. Tony did not seem as cheerful as his wife and sister. He just sat by himself where we left him and watched us laughing, dancing and gossiping. I wondered whether it was because he feared I would slip the truth, or whether he was mad for being left alone. Anyway I figured that if I was the one doing him a favor, I was at least entitled to have a good time.

The two hot girls on the dance floor began to get quite a lot of attention from guys, but I quickly let them down with a glance towards Tony. It actually felt like he was my boyfriend, and I knew I could never betray him. However, each time I looked at him he seemed increasingly sour, and I had to go over to his couch and sit down, sweaty and panting from exhaustion, but with a big smile on my face. Tina was happy to have all the attention to herself, and I could hear her laughing and flirting with the guys through the loud music.

“You seem to be having a great time,” Tony said dully as I sat down.

“Yes, your sister is awesome. It’s fun being on the other side of the playing field for once.” I got onto his lap, laughed and kissed him, determined not to let his mood pull me down.

“And you forgot all about your husband? Weren’t we supposed to make her believe we’re still married?”

“Sure. And a girl is supposed to bond with her sister-in-law, isn’t that so? I think she really likes me, you know.”

“I just think you shouldn’t be so careless. You might blow your disguise.”

“Ain’t I girlish enough? You certainly thought so at our wedding night.”

“You know that’s not it. You look amazing. Maybe just a little bit too daring.”

“Oh, I see. You don’t like the attention I get. But it’s all right when you have me just to yourself. It’s not as if we really are married. Why should you care?” I did in fact feel a little hurt by his words. Why did he spoil such a good night by being so moody?

“You think I’m jealous? What is it with you?” He straightened his back and looked at me as if he did not know me. “It’s true you look like a girl, but you begin to take offense like a girl too.” I left his lap and stood up in front of him, brushing back a stray lock of hair. I was really trying to enjoy this night, but he obviously had other plans.

“Here I thought all along that you wanted a girl. If it’s boys you like, you should have said so. But don’t expect me to help you out with that.” Deliberately, I raised my voice a bit so that those closest to us might hear. I could sense anger welling up in me, and I had to fight to keep the tears back.

Before he could reply, I picked up my purse, walked across the dance floor and through the exit onto a crowded street. A long line of sequins and shirts were corraled behind a long fence awaiting their turn to enter. I could feel the curious looks on my back. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked away and hurried onto the sidewalk with no idea where I was heading.

My anger soon subsided and was replaced by a strange kind of fear I had never experienced before.

Adrenaline still pumped through my body and made me shiver. A few hundred yards down the road I found a wooden bench and sat down, cradling my head in my hands and sobbing like a little girl. I could feel the chill night air brushing against my bared thighs.

Couples walked past, talking in low voices, but I did not dare look up in case they were talking about the sorry mess sitting on the park bench. They were probably on their way home, cradling their boyfriend or girlfriend, enjoying a happy night together. I had never felt more alone or confused as I did then. I did not even know what I was anymore.

You look like a girl, but you begin to take offense like a girl too. I could still hear Tony’s words echoing in my mind. Was he right? Had these clothes really changed me that much? My real self surely would not care if he talked to me like that. The thoughts made me even more confused, and I began to sob again. My life was a mess. I desperately wanted to be like one of those happy girls walking home under their boyfriend’s arm, but I was a boy. It was only some stupid clothes. Though a boy would never prance around and act as stupid as this. Did that mean I was a girl? At that point I felt like neither. Why could I not just pick one gender and be content with that?

Just when I had decided to go home, throw away all of my girl’s clothing and rid myself of this confusing life, someone spoke to me.

“Are you okay there?” A man sat down on the bench beside me. I guess any girl would consider him handsome. He was tall with a strong jaw and muscular arms, wearing a tight, black shirt and jeans. I looked at him, still with the occational tear running down my cheeks, leaving long, black stains of mascara. If I am a girl, I should be attracted to him, right? But am I? I did not really know.

“You shouldn’t be sad. A pretty girl like you should be having fun tonight.” I still did not find any words to say. He carefully laid an arm around my shoulder. I could feel how strong he was. Is he hitting on me?

“It’s a guy, right? Forget him. He has to be a jerk, leaving you alone like this. Why don’t you come with me? I’ll treat you just the way a beautiful woman deserves.” He held on to my shoulder and pulled me up on my feet as he stood up. Why did he choose those exact words? Does he know? It was actually quite nice to surrender to him and not having to decide what to do or feel. I wiped my moist cheeks with the backs of my hands and looked up at him. A strange rush went through my body as I thought about what he obviously wanted to do with me. Does this mean I’m gay?

“Let’s go to my place and have a drink.”

I smiled and nodded, still not saying a word. Being on my feet again, I sensed how the world was spinning. Not a single point standing still in my view. It made me dizzy and a bit nauseated, but I managed to wobble along on my heels, steadied by his arm around my shoulders.

I never remembered having arrived at his place. I do recall I had to stop and retch at some point, though, but it was a relief not having to question myself for a moment. The next thing I remembered was sitting on his couch with an empty glass in my hand whilst his tongue was in my mouth. His hands were stroking my thigh and fake breasts.

I don’t want to do this , I was thinking, but how else will I know if I’m a girl? This was supposed to be nice. And I did sense something stir in my body. It was wonderful to feel his soft lips against my own. His groping hands sent shivers through my thighs, and I felt myself becoming aroused. Still, it was as if my body was cut in half at the neck. I was both ashamed and horny.

He pulled my panties down and turned me around on my belly. I found that if I closed my eyes, I could forget for one second what I was doing and just acknowledge the sensations he was conjuring forth in my body. Still, I felt like I was about to retch again. This time it wasn’t from alcohol, though my head was still spinning violently. Tears rolled down my cheeks again as I felt a sting of betrayal.