I did not speak with Tony after that. Tina sent me a few messages, though I do not remember giving her my number. She was still in town and kept nagging me about meeting her again. I tried to refuse, although I lacked any convincing arguments.

Even though I was a bit down about my row with Tony, I tried to go on as usual. The following Monday, after a night of constantly interrupted sleep, I got up and saw the large bag of clothes. Suddenly I felt a jolt of satisfaction. My days of denial were over. Wearing a complete girlish attire, I went to school and attended a full day of lectures without anyone noticing anything strange. The thrill of being able to live my usual life as this was wonderful. Still, there was something stinging me in the depths of my subconscience. I should share this with someone, and I knew perfectly well who. Last Friday was no success, but at least now I was aware of my feelings. I did not enjoy sleeping with that man, but the reasons for it surprised me.

That same evening I called Tina. We chatted for a long time about anything imaginable. I felt comfortable when talking to her. She was convinced of my femininity, and over the phone there was no pressure of apprearances. Finally being able to talk to somebody, I shared more about my emotions regarding Tony than I had been planning. Still, the relief I felt was profound. It felt just right, having someone to share and confide in. I noticed with amusement that I was sitting in the corner of my couch, legs together and drawn up into the seat, just like I’d seen so many girls do in so many movies as they chatted with their friends.

She did not mention the fight I had with Tony, which was a great relief. I had no idea what she had seen or heard, but she seemed very eager to meet me again. We ended up planning a girl’s weekend together without Tony. The moment she suggested it I was in on the idea, with a jolt of adrenaline shooting through my veins. Could I really pull it off? My newfound confidence assured me, and after the last few days on my own I was desperate for some company.

That Friday I arrived at her door with a heart threatening to leave the confines of my ribs and burst through the silicones attached. She greeted her sister-in-law with a long, warm hug and a kiss on each cheek.

“Come and eat.” I already knew much of her family’s love of food.

“I’ve made you my mother’s orecchiette with anchovies. It’s Tony’s favourite. I can tell you that it’s the surest way into his heart. But I suspect you already knew that.” She smiled as always, and I had to swallow to hinder a lump pushing up through my throat. A sudden rush of panic surged through my entire body, and I had no idea where from. My eyes began to water, and I had problems containing the tears. Tina must have noticed because she got a concerned look on her face and held me in her arms.

“So I guess things aren’t progressing as they should?”

I lost my composure in an instant, and the tears began flowing. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to begin our time like this. It’s just… He doesn’t understand how my life has turned upside down. How everything’s changed. I don’t want it to change. But I don’t want to let go of all the good things I’ve found either.”

“Marriage is a serious thing, especially in this family, but it doesn’t mean you have to give up on your old life. Nothing else has changed.” She was trying to comfort me, but without knowing all the facts, she only ended up increasing my despair. I decided that I needed an ally. I couldn’t keep this up forever, and if anyone could understand, it would be her, my caring, open minded sister-in-law.

“Tina. There’s something I have to tell you. You’d better sit down.”

“Don’t. I already know.”

“You know? Is it that obvious?”

That instant I relived my entire life as Tony’s wife, and was terrified. There were so many small details I had overlooked. How could anyone believe this sham?

“Not at all. In fact, I had a hard time believing it. You made such a gorgeous bride, and Tony was so happy, but eventually the hints all added up. I wasn’t sure till now.”

“So, are we speaking about the same thing, then.”

“If you want to.”

“I do. I desperately do. I can’t keep this to myself anymore. I feel like I’m going to explode.”

I told Tina about everything then. How Tony had first presented his dilemma to me. How I had posed as his bride. How I had fallen in love with my best friend, and that he probably felt the same way, but it was hard for him. He had to deal with his masculine side. I had obviously given up on that a long time ago.

Tina listened attentively through the endless row of joys and doubts, self-loathing and love. It was an enormous relief to finally be able to share my confusion with someone.

“He’s such a jerk.” Tina was frowning by the end of my tale. “Why doesn’t he just admit his feelings? I know he loves you. I can hear it in his voice every time we speak. And he certainly owes you that much. You mustn’t go aroung thinking that you have done something to deserve this. I’ll have a talk with him.”

That ended our little awkward greeting, and those two days were the next best time I had ever had. Like true sisters we pranced around the town shopping, coffeeing, shopping, eating, dancing and shopping. Nothing could stop the two newmade bffs.

When I left her place after a somewhat hungover day at the beach, I knew I finally had a sister, and perhaps her upcoming chat with Tony would result in something as well. I realized this was the final turning point. Either a completely humiliating return to my own personal hell, or all my dreams would fall into place like cobblestones.