I was beginning to get used to this now. My heart had stopped racing when I ventured out the door. I did not examine every approaching face for signs of suspicion, or spend all my concentration on every little detail a women would do unconsciously. I walked onto the bus as a free and independent woman. Never questioning my right to be there.

A text message arrived as I watched rows and rows of houses rush past the window. It was Tina.

hi sis heard anything from tony yet?

Sort of. Meeting today actually. He was very secretive though. Have you spoken to him?

I said I would didnt i? im sure its to say hes sorry

I dont know. I think he has too hard a time accepting me.

thats the old you talking again your a girl now remember

I know I am. I just dont think he sees it that way. If anything I hope Im still his friend. Thats all I hope for right now.

well see youll always be my sister

Her slightly jumbled words moved me. But I was telling the truth. Tony was not a big spender of words. He probably was hoping to mend some of the broken things between us, but I knew he was too freaked out by the recent turn in my life. None of us had expected this. And the joyful time after the wedding was just a prolonged fling.

Still, when he suggested we meet up for a drink, all I hoped for was being back where we started. Best friends sharing a pint together at our regular pub. The only difference being me wearing tighter jeans and a bra underneath my shirt.

Of course, it was not just any bra. It was the same bra I had been wearing the morning after our wedding. Just in case, I said to myself, thinking about the last time I had been wearing these panties, and how he pulled them down.

The bus stopping pulled me out of my day dreams. I noticed the man across from me pull his eyes away as I came back to this world. Had he been eyeing my crotch? I hastily looked down to see if my slight erection was visible through the tight pants. Perhaps he’d see it if he knew. But I doubt it. My confidence was at an all time high these days. I winked at him just before stepping off the bus. He looked longingly at me through the window as the bus took off, mouthing something incoherent I did not care to decipher.

The pub looked just the same. I had not been here since the wedding. Much had changed since then, but I was relieved to see there was some constant in my life. The cracked stone on the door step, the slight miscolour on the wall where my friend Jim once threw up. The same squeak from the never before oiled door hinges, and the same narrow, mistrusting eyes behind the bar. And the same old friend sitting in our usual corner.

He looked up as I walked through the door. A little too quick, I thought. I instantly smiled and waved at him in return. The barkeeper was already stretching towards the days ago opened anonymous wine bottle as I ordered a stout. Strong and black. He looked questioningly at me before pouring, as if to see if there was still a girl standing here.

I gave Tony a big, joyful hug before sitting down opposite him at the table. He always used too much cologne. Not too promising, I though. He’s obviously a bit tense. I was hoping we’d be back to normal. But perhaps it’s what we deserve. I’ve not been a saint either.

“It’s so nice to see you again,” I told him. “I hope we’re okay.”

“Yes, of course. We’re still the same.” I could see he was trying hard to mean it.

“You won’t believe how glad I am to hear you say that. I know it’s been hard for you, but I promise you I’ll still kick your ass in Quake.”

We both laughed a bit, and I felt tension drip away like foam after a bath. Though always some of it would keep clinging to my hair.

A few more pints were emptied with ease. An old aquaintance walked by, greeting Tony whilst curiously looking my way. Perhaps he was wondering where he had seen me before, or maybe he was curious about Tony’s pretty date. Either way, I smiled politely and gave him a simple “hi” before he walked on.

“Do you think he recognized me?” I asked Tony. “I haven’t seen Dan in a year or so.”

“I don’t know. He seemed intrigued though. And I can’t blame him. You look wonderful as always.”

“I’m glad to hear. But you didn’t think so last time we met.” I did not want to spoil the good mood by bringing it up, but someone had to acknowledge the elephant eventually. He seemed a bit lost for a moment and swallowed his words more than once.

“I’m sorry to bring that up.”

“No, no. I’m glad you did. I didn’t have the courage. Perhaps I’m having such a good time at the moment, or perhaps I’m just ashamed.”

“Please tell me. I can’t stand the way we parted last.”

“I’ve been thinking about it every hour since then. Was it me? You? Tina? The alcohol? My mind has been going through every detail of that night. And the worst part is seeing your back through the doorway over and over again.”

“So you didn’t mean those words you said?”

“I don’t know what I meant or not. I can’t apologize. Not because I meant what I said, but because I don’t think I even knew what I said.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“You know, all this has been very confusing for me.”

What was he getting at? I had a hard time making sense of it all. I had a feeling he was trying to say something profound, but did not quite know how to get to the point. Besides, I thought, confusing for him? Did he think I was just floating on a stream, carelessly going along wherever it took me? Confusion was just the teaser. Mental pandemonium would be a better expression.

“I have a sense this will require a change of environment.” He seemed to catch my somewhat annoyed expression.

Minutes later we were walking towards his apartment. I wanted to place my hand in his, but did not dare assume anything at this moment.

“I’m glad you decided to come.” He turned towards me as he unlocked the door to his home.

I was struck for a moment with hesitation. Was it right to open this door again? Did he really accept me for who I was, or did he just feel guilty? Well, if I do not enter, I will never find out.

“Do you want a drink?” he suddenly seemed a little nervous again, and reminded me of the first time we ever met. A shy little boy, asking me if I wanted to borrow his bike.

“That would be nice.” His nervousness was a bit contagious.

“So what do you like now?” He winced a little, uncertain of how I would react. I answered with a sudden and involuntary giggle.

“Don’t worry. My tastes haven’t changed…” A little devil erupted in me. “At least not regarding alcohol.”

I was happy for a moment to gather my thoughts in silence as he went over to the kitchen to pour drinks for us. I sat down on the familiar couch and studied my surroundings. Has his mother been here recently? It is way too clean. He never bothers with tidying up his place. And what’s with the candles? Those are only out when he is expecting girl company. I did not have the chance to ponder my revelation, as he came back with two glasses, filled with translucent, golden whisky.

“It’s the Wild Turkey we drank so much on that school trip. Remember?”

I could not help giggling again. The taste brought up a well of old memories. It was the perfect scent for this moment. Relieving tension and bringing us closer than we had been for a long time. We were back in reminiscence again for a while, and I could not appreciate the feeling enough. It felt wonderful. But once again, the elephant slowly approached. I decided to keep it from entering.

“So… I noticed those candles were out, and lit when I came back from the restroom. And this place is tider than I’ve ever seen it. Did you expect company?”

“Perhaps. I had to be ready in case I landed a beauty. You never know.”

“I do appreciate it. But you didn’t need the candles to sway me. The fact that they’re out shows me your good intentions. You really were honest.”

“What can I say. I am really sorry for how I’ve been. I’ve been thinking about you every day since that night. I wanted to say sorry, but was afraid you wouldn’t care.”

“Of course I care. You really were an ass that night, and it made me more depressed than I’ve ever been.”

“I know. I can’t imagine how it’s been for you. I have a hard time putting my feelings into words. That’s why I bought you a little something.” He reached behind the couch and lifted a white package about the size of a shoe box. A purple silk ribbon was cross tied around the case.

“Tony. You shouldn’t have. That looks expensive.”

He handed me the box with a strange look of anxiety and expectation. I instantly knew it meant a lot to him, and accepted the gift with a big smile. Inside, I was thrilled like a little girl. Such an extravagant looking present, and just for me!

I pulled the end of the ribbon, and the large knot easily unwound itself and fell to the floor. Thin paper rustled as I opened the lid and examined the box’ contents. Neatly folded into the shape of a heart was a carefully arranged set of lingerie. Black lace, silk and nylon, adorned with little details of red laces and bows, shining metal and rhinestones.

My eyes began to water, and I surprised myself with this sudden burst of emotion. I was happy and content with winning his heart. He had indirectly admitted his feelings for me. But this was something very different. The gift told me what I most desperately wanted to hear. I was desirable. I was his image of feminine, sexy and beautiful. He wanted me to wear this, not for myself, but for him. He wanted me to dress for my husband, and yearned to show me how he would react.

With slightly trembling hands, I lifted the top garment from the box. A babydoll with firm, very well padded cups. Thin, decorated straps joined in the back by an array of embroidery and stones. The round cups were made of shiny, folded burgundy silk, edged by loose bands of black lace. A broad band of lacy, sheer fabric joined the shoulder straps in a gold clasp. Beneath the balconette was fastened a curtain of see-through material, and the back was joined all the way down by a zig-zag pattern of silk ribbons.

“It’s beautiful, Tony.” I looked at him with moist eyes, a little concerned my careful make-up would be ruined.

The rest of the contents were all made to match. A thong of lace embroidered with tiny gems and covered by a short ruffle of tulle, tied together in the front by a ring of the same gemstones. The back details where the waistband met the small string beneath matched the embroidered pattern of the babydoll. I had always been a little concerned about wearing thongs. My crotch was hard to conceal beneath the small garment, but the cloth would conceal my shaved parts nicely. He has really put a lot of thought into this.

A pair of long, fishnet stay-up stockings were next out of the box. There was a thin seam running all the way from heel to top, vanishing under a broad band of lace. Threads of red silk were intertwined with the black pattern.

“I have just the shoes for these,” I smiled and stretched the stockings in front of him, playfully biting the stockings. My white teeth stood out between the black fabric and my glossy, red lips.

He seemed really satisfied with my reaction. And who would not be. This instant I felt both loved and desired. He craved my soul and my body, and knew his gift had delivered the message. All I wanted was to show him how much I appreciated the effort. A simple apology would have been enough. This, on the other hand, called for some serious retaliation on my behalf.