The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced..."The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out...
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"
The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
I was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have run - but you don't get offers like that every day
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Should I really shave my balls?
If I don't, she'll surely bitch,
Does she care how much I'll itch?
Take the razor and lather up,
(Gawd that bitch is so corrupt)
Don't she care that I could slip?
Shave my balls - and cut off my dick?
Easy now - hands don't shake,
She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake.
Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear,
If I want some head - get ridda the hair.
So I shave my balls all nice and slick,
Did it up nice - without one nick!
"Feel 'em baby - they're so smooth!"
"Take off your clothes - get in the groove!"
She looks at me from our little bed,
"I'm sleepy, Baby - ain't givin' no head!"
She rolls on over - and gives me her back,
I'm so pissed off - I'm about to crack!
Next day it's breakfast in the sheets,
I spoon her bites which she gladly eats.
And I must confess I think it's fair,
That her omelet was made with pubic hair!
A ventriloquist is touring Sweden. One night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way?
What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It’s people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... pathetically, all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: " You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap! "
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night, she looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit (well more than a bit), we had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a "sportsman double"?
"Whats that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
"Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't."
And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place and walked in hoping for the best night of my life.
She puts on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"
You should really be over sixty to even be allowed to read this story. If you're not, just save it and read it again when you are old enough to appreciate it or share it with someone who IS old enough to appreciate it ...
A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, shoes shined, no walker, etc...
He presents a suave, well-looked-after image. Seated at the bar is an elderly (70’s?) fine-looking lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says...
"So tell me good looking, do I come here often?"
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust....
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question to the woman. He asks 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there. He asks the same question. Do you have vagina'....... 'Yes' she says...... The man replies, 'Good. Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using it?'
A man was setting on the couch throwing peanuts up in the air and catching and eating them with his mouth.
His wife called him about that time and he turned his head and a peanut went in his ear. He tried to get it out and could not. So his wife tried for about an hour and could not get it out. Just about the time they were going to go to the doctor, his daughter with her boyfriend walked in and the Mom explained what happened. The boyfriend said he knew how to get it out easily.
So the man agreed and the boyfriend stuck two fingers up the mans nose and told him to close his mouth and blow. Out flew the peanut. The Mom said. He sure is smart. I wonder what he is going to be.
The Dad said, well from the smell of his fingers he is going to be our Son In Law.
A Husband takes the wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says:
"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says:
"Looks like he's still fuckin' celebrating!!!
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 70).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,..
'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to go shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
Two blondes walk up to a perfume counter. The first one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist, smells it, and says, "That's nice, don't you think, Tracy?"
Tracy says, "Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"
Sharon says, "Viens a moi."
Tracy says, "Viens a moi? What's that mean?"
The store clerk says, "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'Come to me.'"
Sharon takes another sniff and says,
"That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does it smell like cum to you?"
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said..
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Little Johnny was 8 yrs old when his parents decided to have him circumcised.
After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school.
After about an hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse.
He went to see her but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was.
She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him.
The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made.
After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants.
She said "Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that."
He replied, "Well I told my Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunch time.. she would come pick me up then."
Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
Small Circle: o
Big Circle: O
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison."
A husband and his wife were out shopping when she spied a pair of shoes she just loved.
"No love, they're too expensive", the hubby said.
Later that night, whilst in bed, hoping to get lucky, the husband put his hand on his wife's hip, then moved it to her thigh.
"No way mate!", the wife said. "If you aren't prepared to shoe the horse, you sure as hell ain't riding it!"
An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, “ !” and rode off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant.
“Nothing,” shrugged the woman, ” I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”
“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback……..”
I was in a bar last night. Had a few..I noticed two quite large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said ...,"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
That's the last thing I remember.
A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained.
The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.
The instructions were the short story had to contain the following three things:
1) Religion
2) Sexuality
3) Mystery
Here is the only A+ short story in the whole class.................
"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
'Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
'Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the
next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Handsome.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Handsome and Help
With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Handsome, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New
Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third floor has wives that love sex, have money, like beer and own
their own boat.
The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited!
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a
royal pain to the nurses, because he bossed them around just like he
did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his
room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms
and opened his mouth. No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this
reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and
bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her
announce,"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get
back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as
he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....
After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. "What's going on
here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confessed.....
"Not with a Daffodil."
I know a lot of my readers are outside the United States and probably won't get the humor, but for those Americans....y'all can relate! (and before anyone takes offense, I'm from Virginia...)
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee
A TennesseeState trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an athlete.
She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say...
Picabo, I.C.U
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him "How does that feel?"
He replied "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
