Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."
Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming!!'"
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either , so in an effort to satisfy The council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics."
No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
Not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts?"
No way.
"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it
Matilda lived in a tiny village on the Irish coast. She was 98, still a virgin, and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, Matilda informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "MATILDA STONE. BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Several days passed and Matilda died peacefully in her sleep.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk carved the tombstone that Matilda had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
Matilda’s tombstone was finally completed, duly engraved. It read: "MATILDA STONE, RETURNED UNOPENED“
This should probably be posted in the "Groaner jokes" area, but I really don't care...
Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say,'Frito Lay.'
Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ).
So that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was
going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr.. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
*
*
OK!
Here it is!
*
*
*
*
A COMMONTATER
One day a drunk man told the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye."
The bartender grinned and said, "Okay, you drunk."
The drunk pulled out his right fake eye and bit it.
After more drinks the drunk said, "I bet you $200 I can bite my left eye."
The bartender knew it could not be fake, so he said, "Okay."
The drunk pulled out his dentures and bit his left eye.
The bartender, by now was really mad. After a few more drinks, the drunk said, "I'll bet you $500 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar."
The bartender knew he could not do it so he said okay. The bartender slid the shot glass as fast as he could. The drunk jumped on stools and peed all over the bar.
The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy because he won $500. In the back he heard, a man yelling in frustration. He asked the man why.
The man replied, "That drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on your bar and you would be happy about it!"
One day a Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5000.00 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are guaranteed:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs."
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't.
A horny little koala walks into a bar one night hoping to pick up,
slams his paw down on the table,
and orders a drink.
When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more.
This goes on for about half an hour,
and just when he was going to do it again,
the barman told him if he was looking for a good time,
there was some one in the back room who could help him,
the koala decides why not and goes into the back room.
There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him.
That night he has the best sex he has ever had.
After the prostitute turns to the koala and says,
"How about my money,???"
The koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said.
..PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.
So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says.
KOALA: "Eats shoots and leaves."
The doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.
"This is a stickup!" He yells. "Put all your dough in a bag!"
"Don't shoot," pleads the barkeep. "I'll do whatever you say!"
The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over.
The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, "All right, now give me a blow job!"
"Anything!" cries the bartender. "Just don't shoot!"
The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.
The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber.
"Hold the gun, dammit," he says. "One of my friends might walk in!"
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . . . . . .. .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
A chicken farmer went into a local bar....
sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that?
I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the chicken farmer says.
'This is a special day for me.. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!'
says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the chicken farmer!
As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are
you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and
today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer
and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they
are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens
become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?".
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
" I love you," I slurred as I phoned my wife from the pub..
" I love you too ," came the reply..
" When I get back, I'm going to bury my head in your pussy," I continued.
" Three things, Rick," she replied. " 1 - You've got the wrong number.. 2 - this is your mother and 3 - the last time your face was in my pussy was 40 years ago and I shit on your head. Goodnight."
"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist late in the week.
Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.
The trip to his office took about thirty-five minutes, so I didn’t have an time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.
I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, grabbed some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal: some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?” I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost
the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second
half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he
could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where
there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby.
He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit
card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my
cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was
barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his
financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling
pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a
cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end
of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride
when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how
he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to
the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for
you to have sex with me?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the
same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the
back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they
went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman
gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver...!!!
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many."
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards, instead of wearing a collar."
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy
bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was quite amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain
biker requirements in order to join the club . The biker asks;
"Do you have a motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there,"
and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish... beer mostly,
whiskey when I'm shooting pool..
I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney.
At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day ,
and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool"
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever
been picked up by the fuzz...?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says,
"Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times...."
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?
Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.
Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".
Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds
At a local college, there was a dance.
A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.
She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."
"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for o...ne thing,you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
My girlfriends hate it as a derogatory term, but don't mind it when it's in reference to their juicy hole...
Not necessarily. I'm here to share our experiences as erotic stories and to chat with other authors. I may meet someone for coffee/drinks, but probably nothing more...but I certainly wouldn't rule it out!
