Dear All,

Much to my delight, my "hobbity" story The Fockit, or, In and Out Again has been short-listed for "Best Erotic Humor Story" in the Clitorides Awards 2024. If you missed it, please have a read: perfect for any lovers of Tolkien, or cunt, or better still, Tolkien and cunt. And if you enjoy it, please go to

https://clitoridesawards.org/vote.php?d=s&cat=11

and vote for it! (You might need to login/register, to prove you are human...)

Thanks for your support!

Grusha

P.S. Any other Lushies on the Clitorides this year? Looking forward to rubbing Clits with you... ;)

It's up! Fully erect, fully lubed, but subtle as fuck. Try lah!

Nothing to Declare by GrushaVashnadze.

I am not normally one to go starry-eyed over a dildo, but I did think this specimen was really rather fine, and should feature in the cover art for my next micro - see attached. Sadly, it was rejected by the mods for being too "blatant". 😒
So, I am now on the hunt for an alternative dildo pic - one which is beautiful and sexy, but not "blatant". Does anyone have any suggestions? Your favourite dildo, on a postcard please, with (optionally) a brief explanation of what makes it the best "non-blatant" dildo in the world! 😇
Ah, the travails of a smut-writer... 😉

As you doubtless know, being loyal Radio Four listeners, it is the centenary of the BBC Shipping Forecast. And so I have written a little homage. Have a read: it's "moderate or good" 😉:

The Fucking Forecast

Quote by Seeker4
There's no way you can write a proper novel with sex in every chapter and have it be interesting... It should probably happen every few chapters, not every chapter.

Not necessarily. Plot and character development can happen through sex and in sex. See e.g. Alison Goes to London, which contains tons of sex, and of which mods (even!) have said: "The evolution was brilliant, the world-building intricate" ... "wonderfully constructed story ... managing to keep that wide a narrative arc up over 19 chapters ... Alison will stand the test of time."

If you are not from the U.K., you may be utterly bewildered by my latest microfiction, a homage to the BBC Shipping Forecast, which ranks up there with other great British institutions like Big Ben, the Sunday roast, afternoon tea, cricket on the green, fish and chips, chicken tikka masala, black cabs, and white van man. Have a read: it's "moderate or good" 😉:

The Fucking Forecast

Actually, I have done just that. The perspicacious among you will notice that A Ouettecunte Family Affair ch. 4 is quite similar to Alison Goes to London ch. 2 - but from a different point of view. Whose will you prefer? In short, are you "Team Claire" or "Team Alison"? Or, in porn, is any POV OK really? (Answers on a postcard please...)

We have reached Chapter Three of A Ouettecunte Family Affair, and Claire is visiting London for the first time ever, to attend her audition at the Royal Academy of Fucking. Will she respond to Professor Emma Jane Cuntslicker's challenges with talent and, even better, taste? Will she demonstrate a firm grasp of the issues troubling Dr Richard Dick? Will she enjoy her ride on the London Asshole, or evenschlong at Wankminster Abbey? Read on to find out:

A Ouettecunte Family Affair: chapter three

And she is right. Chapter One of A Ouettecunte Family Affair has garnered comments like: "Your use of language triumphs again!" and "This story... showed true mastery of your genre. Bravo!" - disproving the oft-touted view that "Lushies don't get satire" (fancy!)

Chapter Two - up now - is a homage to one of my favourite pieces of cinemato-pornography, I've Never Done This Before, starring Nina Hartley and Kimberly Carson. As Mrs Ouettecunte explains, "We live in Enlightenment times. What was once pornographic cliché is now the height of chic." Bring it on, I say:

"And who the fuck are you?" I ask in bewilderment.

"I'm the pool-boy," says one of them. "I've brought my pole."

"And I'm the pizza delivery boy," says the other. "Wanna see my toppings?"

"Oh Jesus fucking Christ..." I moan.

"Aw come on, Daddy," giggles Claire, "it's the Enlightenment, remember? Porn clichés rule!"

"Yeah, yeah," I reply. "But I was hoping for a French maid..."

"Oh là là! Zat's me," says a girl wearing a black lace-trimmed dress, white half-apron, ruffled bonnet and high heels, brandishing a phallic feather duster. "Monsieur Ouettecunte, wanna feuck?"

Who could refuse such an invitation? Here's the link: A Ouettecunte Family Affair: chapter two

Do you like Ouette Cuntes? Even better, do you have a Ouette Cunte? Claire does. Find out what happens as she decides to apply for a place at the Royal Academy of Fucking. Her family are, of course, very supportive. Chapter 1 is up now, and there is more to follow soon...

A Ouettecunte Family Affair: chapter one

(BTW - don't let the fact that this story is in a very naughty category put you off. It's a satire, see? Even, a parody - imagine! I don't really approve of the things I write about. And I won't tell on you for reading - cunty promise... 😉😇

I know the picture’s not exactly sexy, but the story is:

“replete with your usual wit, satire and innovative story telling. It was also funny as fuck! Excellent work.” (Piquet)

“fabulous” (techgoddess)

“This one had me in stitches!” (el_henke)

Oh, it’s also very cultured: like, Shakespeare ‘n’ shit. Have a shufti:
https://www.lushstories.com/stories/masturbation/typetalk

Quote by lynnwitt

In the queue!

And on the map!

My latest story, The Fockit, or, In and Out Again, contains the following inimitable piece of love-talk:

“YEAH FUUUUCK!!! FUCKIN’ COMING, BABE. SQUIRT YER FUCKIN’ JIZZ ALL OVER ME FUCKIN’ SLUT FACE – YEAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

Just saying... 😕

Quote by KimmiBeGood

I’ll hit it this week, Grusha! 😀

"Hit it"? Maybe just stroke it, Kimmi. Or give it a little kiss... 😉

"In a Hole in an Arse there lived a Fockit..." So begins my latest story, The Fockit, or, In and Out Again.

(N.B. This story has nothing to do with Alison, or smoking, or cursed cunts, or even opera-singing futas. No religious guilt, no dystopian futures, no social commentary - cunty-promise! It is pure comic relief - and it always good to be relieved, no?)

Bewildered? Have a read. And here's a map to help you on your way. Have fun exploring! 😜🤣😇

Quote by principessa
The rules for cover images at the top of stories are the same as those for avatars. No hardcore shots, closeups of genitals, or photos depicting insertion are permitted.

May I include an image which includes a stylised line drawing of female genitalia?

Quote by lynnwitt
This IS going to be about Arwen Evenstar, right? Now SHE'S an elf I'd like to... Well you have an idea. 😇

As to Arwen, Lynn, I sympathise entirely. But no, this story is going to be more hobbity than elven. But I am sure that good packages come in small packages. And I always liked the sound of Belladonna Took - didn't you?

Quote by lynnwitt

my artistic abilities consist generally of being able to spill paint.

Likewise! Well, it's good to know that others like my idea. But seemingly other Lushies are as unartistic as I am. Ah well...

With Young Cunts - Act Five, this saga, the "Silmarillion of Cunts" if you like, reaches its conclusion. Alison fans, beware - for in this act, as in the final chapter of Alison Goes to London, there is betrayal, tragedy, grief, love - as well as a whole load of filthy fucking. Two scenes, at opposite ends of the timeline, bookend Emma Jane Cuntslicker's history-making career as Principal of the Royal Academy of Fucking; her turbulent relationship with Hildegard Fotzenficker; and her final, bittersweet fuckship with Dr Richard Dick, perhaps the only person who ever truly loved her.

And so, who will you, in the final instance, agree with? Is it Cunts, who says, "See what a wonderful world! A fucking world, a world full of Pleasure, a world devoid of possessiveness or exploitation or jealousy"? Or is it Alison, who says, "Fuck loads. But love more"?

If you remember and love Cunts, Dick-Dick, Riley, Alison & Rob, and the other lovable fuckers of the original novel, don't miss this ambiquel. Really, you won't regret it...!

Hello. I am writing a story which requires a piece of artwork to be included, which I do not have the competence to draw myself. Basically, I am looking for an explicit "map" of the female external genitalia, but in a Tolkien The Hobbit map style, i.e. a bit like the example attached. We could discuss privately what needs to be included on the map (apart from cunt and asshole, naturally), including text (both English and Dwarvish?). But is there anyone here who is good at drawing and who fancies having a go at this? Please PM me - thanks! 😊

With Arise Ye Fuckers From Your Slumbers! - Act Four of Young Cunts, the history of the New Enlightenment reaches fever pitch. I warned this could get Dickensian, and this is truly a tale of two titties, er, cities. One city is exemplified in Cunts and Hildegard, celebrating the glorious election victory of the Fuckers Party, the triumph of Pleasure, and the advent of a free-fucking nation for all. The dark underbelly, however, is locked in the hidden stories of the downtrodden: Riley's parents Eddie and Olive, and Rob's & Eva's parents John and Rosie - do they have any future in this Brave New World, or is it time to flee?
But soft - whose tongue is this licking at Hildegard's cum-soaked cunt? "My name is Dolores. I belong to you now," she says - which name should strike terror into the hearts of all Alison fans. What will Cunts do now?

Remember Riley from Alison Goes to London - the schoolgirl piece of "proper posh totty" with the anal gape to end all anal gapes? Her origins have always been obscure - though we know her mother is a respectable "two-bit whore" who works at the gloryhole station on Maryleboner Road; and that she once had a father who "pissed off years ago", leaving her mother with some alimony money with which to GM their daughter's asshole. Now, in this central climactic act of Alison prequel Young Cunts, we find out how her parents met, and where this most lovely of anal sluts sprang from. You will be moved to laughter and tears, I promise - and possibly even the spilling of other bodily fluids. But whose side will you end up on? Young Cunts - Act Three: Bathsheba's Tits is up now.

Wait, "Bathsheba's tits" - what? Well, she was a temptress from outside the palace, falling for whom brought retribution, but eventual glory, to the King. And her son wrote great poems about tits, didn't he? Read on to find out more...

A good question indeed, and one that is answered in glorious detail in Young Cunts - Act Two. Inevitably, therefore, the focus in this act begins to shift (temporarily, I assure you) from Emma Jane Cuntslicker onto Riley Throstlethwaite-Eccles who, as all Alison fans will know, is the consummate rectal-inserter of all things culinary, British, and chav. It is 2060, though: ten years after Alison, and Riley is no longer a schoolgirl anal ingénue, but a highly respected lecturer, Professor of Prolapse at the Royal Academy of Fucking, and respectably married to her big-dicked teenage sweetcunt Gaz.

But when a mysterious stranger appears, Riley's comfortable academic existence (exemplified by her twin mutually assfucking futa post-grad colleagues Yumiko and Fumiko) is disrupted. Who is this strange man in a grey three-piece suit, and what does he want of her?

None of that bothers Cunts, of course, who is adamant, despite her colleague Dick-Dick's remonstrations, that "this is what it's all about. Fucking. Pleasure." For, as she believes to the bottom of her heart, nothing else matters.

Reader - does it?

Quote by KimmiBeGood

He’s baaaaaaacckk!

Oh, Grusha, you are a unique talent! I highly recommend that the Alison fans read your offshoots! The fucktastic filthy fuckery continues!

Kimmi, so glad you are still an Alison fan! And you may do anything you like with my, er... "offshoot"... though I've never heard it called that before... 😉
(Fancy an "offshoot"-pic, Kimmi? 😜)

"Shall we start with Cunts?" suggests 80-year-old Alison Bates, when asked, "Tell me more about those times, Grandma Alison." It is of course a very good place to start, for Professor Emma Jane Cuntslicker ("Cunts" to her friends) of the Royal Academy of Fucking was not just, as my friend Violet puts it, the "best professor ever ❤", but one of the great founding fuckers of the New Enlightenment, a woman who managed to balance her devotion to building a free-fucking society with nobility of character and goodwill towards all her young charges. But where did this great woman come from? How did she help to create this brave new world? And just what was her enigmatic relationship with her eventual nemesis, Dr Hildegard Fotzenficker of the sinister Princess Asshole Hospice?

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," writes Cunts later in life - and so this Alison Goes to London ambiquel has somewhat Dickensian (over-)ambitions, tracing a path through the history of the New Enlightenment, backwards and forwards from Alison, interweaving the stories of some of the people who were most deeply affected by this revolutionary movement: not just Cunts and Hildegard, but Riley and her elusive parents (What really happened to her dad?), Rob and Eva and their exiled family (How did that happen?), and of course Alison (What happened after she escaped?)

Young Cunts - Act One: Shall We Start With Cunts? is up now - the first of five. (OK, I have Shakespearian ambitions too - but have patience!)

Oh and, by the way, it's really filthy too... 😕

It is nearly four years since I started publishing my novel Alison Goes to London here on Lush - all about young Alison Bates travelling to the big city to study at the Royal Academy of Fucking, and what ensues thereafter. Opinion was divided on the merits of the work. Some Very Important People called it "hyperbolic… insecure", "vulgar", "disgusting” and "not erotic in the slightest.” But those who actually read the novel called it:

“the coolest erotic story/series I’ve ever read… I kinda feel like I did when I finished Parks and Recreation or Friends… a masterpiece from top to bottom.” (CarltonStJames)

“a truly delectable read… beautiful… just keeps getting better and better… You, my friend, are an excellent author!” (El_Henke)

“one of the most original, exhilarating and facetious pieces of writing I’ve read in a long time! … Thank you so much for such a fucktastic saga, through and through!” (AvidlyCurious)

“tremendously well-written… Bravo… consider me sold.” (Jaymal)

“Fucking! Absolutely fucking! The whole novel, of course…” (StarBelliedBoy)

There were several requests for follow-ups. The most frequent one was, "What happened next to Alison, Claire and Bradley?" - which question I answered in my Christmas special Claire's Cunt Kitchen. But then there was another flurry of questions, not just "What happened after that?" (i.e. another sequel, please), but also "How did this all begin?" (i.e. a prequel). Not one to shirk a challenge, I have spent the past year writing an Alison "ambiquel" (prequel plus sequel combined 😉) - concentrating on the origins, as well the later life, of some of your favourite Alison characters: the utterly inspirational Professor Emma Jane Cuntslicker, the delightfully chavvy anal fuckslut Riley Throstlethwaite, the evil and sadistic Dr Hildegard Fotzenficker - and of course Alison & Rob and their family.

As it centres on the early life of Professor Cuntslicker, this ambiquel will be entitled Young Cunts - and Act One of it is in the queue as we speak. If it gets past the powers that be (never to be taken for granted), please have a shufti!

More later...

xx Grusha

If you recognise the title of this post - which probably means you are British (or at least a Two Ronnies fan) - you may appreciate this little pair of micros I've just posted here on Lush:

https://www.lushstories.com/stories/microfiction/four-candles

https://www.lushstories.com/stories/microfiction/four-candles-two-back-door

They're quite niche - but there's nothing quite like a nice wet niche is there...? 😉

Grusha

This is research for a story - honest!
I am curious to know, from any ladies who have them, what difference having breast implants has made to them sexually. How has it affected your physical sensitivity? How do you like the feel of them? The look of them?
Also - how has your partner (of either gender) enjoyed feeling/kissing/licking/sucking/fucking them (delete as applicable)? What has changed?
As a male, I adore tits. But, whilst "fake" tits make for great porn (well, I like them anyway), I have never (and probably will never) experience them "hands on". And I adore the soft, flexible, flowing nature of big natural tits - which is what my partner has. So really, I am wanting some handle on (pun intended) what it feels like to feel, kiss, suck, even fuck surgically-enhanced breasts, and how that is different from doing the same to natural breasts.
All for a story featuring a lesbian relationship between two young women with very different - though equally fulsome - tits.
Can anyone help me? Perhaps drop me a PM? Thanks!
Grusha

The results of the Clitorides Awards 2022 have just been announced, and two Lushies (at least) have made it to one of the many podiums, in this case for "Flash Erotic Story of the Year 2022":

DeviantSusie won first prize for Best Friends Forever

https://www.lushstories.com/stories/cheating/best-friends-forever-3

and I won second prize for Widadari Ophelia

https://www.lushstories.com/stories/voyeur/widadari-ophelia

Susie's story is brilliant, mine's not too bad either, and both are short - so have a read!

It has, of course, been an absolute pleasure rubbing clits with Susie: I highly recommend it... 

xx

Quote by KimmiBeGood
Just a note

Thank you, Kimmi, for this. Your post is nuanced, sincere, intelligently argued, carefully worded, non-polemical, and buttressed by well-chosen examples. Therefore, it genuinely generates more light than heat. OK, I don't agree with everything you say (see my previous post above), but - more like this, please!