There are things you know but just can’t explain. You just feel what’s right. Even if it’s not what you “should” do, you know you have to do it, and it was in that moment, probably right before she would have gone to voicemail, that I hit ‘answer’ and brought my phone to my ear.

Silence greeted me before Morgan did. “I didn’t like the person I was today,” her dry voice greeted me. “I can be better than that. I’m sorry for hitting you. And for, uh, interrupting. Like I always do. If you want to break up with me, you can, and um, maybe you should, but we can’t end it like we did.”

Her normal tone was back. Hell, it was like the tone she had before we even started dating, like, right before. Trying to be emotionless and professional, but with just enough nervousness in her voice to make it clear something was up.

I stole a look at Taylor. It was weird how, at one time, she was the immature one that needed to apologize, and Morgan was the voice of reason. “I don’t want to apologize for anything I said,” I said with a dry throat.

“Yeah, no, of course not,” Morgan immediately replied sincerely. “You don’t have to. I, uh, was the bad guy. I don’t want to make that mistake again. I…” She gave a single, sad chuckle. “I don’t even know if you consider us broken up or not. I don’t know whether to ask you for another chance or…” She trailed off. 

Neither of us said anything for a bit. I was staring at the wall, and Taylor’s waving hand brought me back to reality. She was fully clothed and was holding my clothes in her hands. “Put these on,” she mouthed.

I covered my end of the phone. “Why?”

“I’m driving you to her place, Quinn,” she said, rolling her eyes as if it were obvious. 

I looked at her, weirded out for a second, then heard Morgan speak. “It’s up to you, but if you feel the same way, I’d like to see you again tonight. Even if it’s over, I just don’t want that to be our, uh…” Her voice caught in her throat. “Our, uh… last time seeing each other.”

I stared at Taylor for a bit, then snatched my clothes with my free hand. “I’ll see if I can find a ride,” I told Morgan with a flat voice. “I’ll text you soon.” I ended the call and turned to Taylor. “What are you doing?”

“What do you think I’m doing?” she asked with a surprisingly soft voice. 

“What, you heard all that shit about us fighting, her hitting me, her cheating on me, and then one phone call later you’re suddenly playing matchmaker?” I asked.

“You don’t get it,” she replied, shaking her head.

“Okay then, enlighten me,” I demanded.

“Think of the bigger picture, and all the shit you’ve been through. All the shit we have been through,” she said emphatically. “Think of everything you put her through, all because of me.”

“What, so this is because you feel guilty?” I asked.

“Quinn…” she replied slowly, exhausted. “Don’t you get it? She didn’t hit you.”

I stayed silent. 

“I did.”

Deja vu. This was freaky. I stared at her and stayed silent.

She continued. “Okay, yeah, that sounds cheesy as fuck, but, like, Morgan wouldn’t have done that. She was pushed to the edge by… by me. And she, like, became me. It’s the same shit the boys did to me, the shit you’ve heard about over and over, and look how I turned out.”

“That doesn’t mean I should just forgive her. She didn’t just forgive you. Hell, neither did I.”

“I know, but…”

“I don’t even know if I want to be with her anymore. You and I just had sex. What if we end up together? What if I end up with someone completely different?”

“What if you do?” she asked me back. “But sure, okay, I’ll ask you instead of telling you. Who do you want to be in a relationship with?”

“Maybe I want to be alone for a little bit,” I replied quietly.

“Great, so tell her that too,” she replied. “But at least tell her. I’m not gonna, like, lie to you, your fight with her was big. I’m not gonna be all like, ‘oh, you had one little fight, patch it up.’ I get it. I’ve had them too.”

“And what did you do?” 

It was clear from the look on her face she wasn’t expecting that question. She looked away in shame as I finished dressing. “Look, this isn’t abo-”

“Answer the question please,” I told her.

“Okay, yes, if my boyfriends cheated, or even if they hit me, I’d just forgive them and go along with it.”

“And would they stop cheating on you? Fuck, did they ever stop hitting you?” I asked in anger.

“Okay, Quinn, I’ve been with some real pieces of shit. Number one, you’re comparing them to Morgan? Really? But number two, you’re way out of line using my past boyfriends hitting me to make a point. Fucking stop.”

That took some steam out of me. “...Okay,” I said weakly, trying to remain defiant. 

We both didn’t say anything for a while. “We both know that what she did today isn’t Morgan,” she told me. 

I paused. “Yeah,” I admitted. “Do you really think it was you?”

“I dunno. I just know it was caused by me,” she admitted. “But hey, I also think that if it weren’t for me, she never would have liked you either.”

“Seems like you’re a big part of this,” I noted, whipping out my phone and texting Morgan.

I found a ride with Taylor. Can she be there for part of the conversation? I feel like she’s important to this.

“I guess…” Taylor replied slowly. “What do you mean?”

I replied by showing her the phone, and Taylor’s look of confusion deepened. “Um, Quinn, I did not agree to that,” she said sourly.

My phone buzzed with Morgan’s answer, and we both saw her response.

I think i agree, let me know when youre here

I stared at Taylor for a bit, and she looked back at me until giving up and rolling her eyes. “Oh, fuck you,” she sighed. “Why not? One last fucking shouting match or whatever. I’ll go.” With both of us dressed, she started walking towards the stairs before she stopped. “But just because I can’t say this at her place… I’m really glad we fucked. It felt, uh… right. I’m sorry if it feels weird to bring up now.”

“I feel the same way,” I told her. “Whatever happens, I don’t regret that we did it.”

She smiled at me before walking up the stairs, with me right behind her.

***

Her optimism was gone by the time we reached Morgan’s house.

“I really don’t want to go in there,” she told me sourly. “I feel like people are just going to shout at each other, and it’s gonna stink. We always do that.”

“And we always do the things that warrant people shouting at each other,” I countered.

“Yeah, and we just did, like, the worst thing we could have done tonight, Quinn,” she replied immediately, a blush on her face. 

“I thought you said you were glad we did it,” I pointed out.

“I was. I am. It’s still the worst thing we could have done though. Sometimes you want to do the worst thing. Sometimes… I dunno, the worst thing is a good thing to do. Like, it’s the worst for some people and better for others. Fuck, I dunno what I’m saying.”

“It’s the worst thing from some angles, and a good thing from others?” 

“Sure,” she replied dismissively. “Fuck, let’s just get this over with.” She undid the seatbelt and opened her door, marching up to Taylor’s door. “Hurry up. I’m not gonna be the one to, like, ring the doorbell, Quinn.”

I chuckled lowly and undid my seatbelt, opening the car door and taking in the sight of Morgan’s house in the moonlight. I was hoping this wouldn’t be the last time I’d get to see this house, but I knew what must be done.

I rang the doorbell and Morgan answered surprisingly quickly, with an unusual amount of emotion painting her face. Sadness? Guilt? General unease? It was hard to say. She was wearing a baggy hoodie, and her face looked… like she was having a rough night.

“Hey,” she simply said, then let us in. 

The room was dark, with nothing but the moonlight pouring through the windows letting us see each other. Taylor took to the couch and then buried her face in a pillow immediately, which gave me time to ask Morgan a few things. “Where are Doug and your parents?”

“Mom and dad are asleep and Doug’s out,” she replied flatly. “So whatever happens, we’ll have to keep this quiet, which is nice, I guess.”

I smiled. “Always so pragmatic,” I said softly.

To my dismay, her expression only turned sadder and her eyes got misty. “Don’t compliment me right now, if you could please,” she said plainly, despite the state of her eyes. “It only makes me hurt more.”

“Okay, so, you can do what you want, and say what you want,” I outlined. “But first, I want to say two sentences, then make a request of you. Is that okay?”

“Sure, I’ll listen,” she agreed, sitting down. Next to her, Taylor removed her face from the pillow, clearly less trusting of what I was about to do.

I took in a breath and began. “I had sex with Taylor tonight.”

“Oh, this is so fucked,” Taylor laughed with zero amusement in her tone. Her raised voice rang through the hallways.

Amazingly, all Morgan did was furrow her brow and put her finger to her lips towards Taylor. “Shh,” she ordered.

I figured the best thing to do was to continue. “I didn’t plan on it happening, and neither did she I think, but it happened. Keeping it from you will only cause this shit to keep happening. I’m just… I want out of the drama. I’m so sick of it. I don’t care what happens to me, but I want the option that causes the least amount of drama, whether it means us making up or never seeing each other again. I think this was more than two sentences.”

I paused, hoping for a chuckle, but no such thing came. So, I took in another breath and continued. “If you think you’re going to get mad, at me or in general, I’d like you to ask Taylor to leave before you do. I think, this time, she’s innocent, or at least as innocent as Taylor gets.”

“Hey! I’m right here, you know,” Taylor complained. “What the hell is that suppo-”

“Taylor,” Morgan interjected, emphatically enough to cut her off but not enough to denote any kind of anger.

Taylor turned to Morgan, unease in her eyes.

“About the Derek thing,” Morgan said dryly. “We’re even now.”

Taylor stared at Morgan for a bit. “...What?”

“The Derek thing. We’re even,” Morgan emotionlessly repeated herself.

“Did you… I don’t…”

Morgan just stared at Taylor, raising her eyebrows once, Morgan’s version of a muted smile of acknowledgment.

“You’re not gonna… blow up at us?” Taylor gingerly asked.

“I kind of expected it. I didn’t want it, of course, but-”

“And you hit him!”

Morgan sighed slowly. “Yeah.” She got up and looked at me.  Her eyes were hardened when they started looking at me, but when she saw the way I was looking back, they softened. “Hey. Uh, can I… get a hug? If not, that’s cool, but you can-” She couldn’t finish her sentence; she’d already started crying. Immediately, I walked forward and my arms flung around her. Embracing her felt like going back home. It felt right, even after all this. Hugging Morgan felt like going back home.

“I’m gonna stop drinking,” she practically whispered into my ear, between sobs.

I broke off the hug and looked at her. “Why? You weren’t drunk when we talked, were you…?”

“No, but I just- I just don’t know what caused me to act like I did, and it- it scared me, and I…” She resumed the hug and buried her head into my shoulder again, crying a little before she resumed speaking. “I want to end the drama too, and I always wanted to end it, but it just… I just… I don’t know where we went wrong.”

“Maybe it’s like, not my place to say, but you guys did invite me inside, so…” Taylor began. “You guys kept trying to one-up the other. Yeah, you tried to avoid drama, from, like, the other side. But you decided to kiss me and accept the consequences, Quinn, and you decided to sleep with Arin again, Morgan, and you-”

“I get it,” Morgan sharply interrupted, tearing her face from my shoulder. She turned back to me. “I just don’t know what to say to make this all just magically go away.”

“I don’t think there’s anything either of us could say,” I replied softly. “I honestly came here thinking you blowing up at me for sleeping with Taylor was a huge possibility.”

Morgan, against all odds, broke into a small smile. “Our relationship was practically made by you nearly sleeping with her,” she pointed out. “I knew that the second we broke up, you two would at least go at it. It’s like what I said when we had that big fight at Taylor’s house. I got all the tears out of my system.”

She walked back over to the couch and sat down. “Honestly, it’s almost freeing knowing you two finally did it. At least the hell of ‘will they won’t they’ in my mind is over.” She played with one of the couch cushions, and looked back up at me. “If I gave you the option of being able to, would you do it with her again?”

“What kind of question is that?!” Taylor demanded.

“A question I’m asking Quinn,” Morgan answered her dismissively. 

Taylor’s mouth hung open, clearly not enjoying Morgan’s audacity, but I picked up on something different.

“I wouldn’t need you giving me the option,” I said slowly. “Why is that part of the question?”

Morgan looked like she was caught completely off-guard. “Oh, uh, right,” she scrambled. “Um, I guess I should have led with this. What are we?”

I looked at Taylor, then back at Morgan. “I don’t know. I think that will have to be determined with a few more talks, just between us.”

“You invited me over here to third-wheel a fucking therapy session,” Taylor complained. “Can I say something here?”

“No,” Morgan asserted.

“Yes,” I countered, then stared Morgan down.

“I wouldn’t sleep with Quinn again if I’m, like, being honest,” Taylor said. “You’re right, it was on our minds for a while, but seeing what it started, like… y’know? I don’t think it’s, like, smart. No offense.”

“None taken,” I replied diplomatically. “I feel the same way, I don’t think I’d sleep with you again either.” It was a complete lie, but it helped move things along, plus I wasn’t going to score any points with either of the girls by begging Taylor to change her mind.

With that, Taylor turned her attention to Morgan. “So what’s with you agreeing for me to come over and shushing me at every opportunity? Do you just like having this power over me, or what?”

Morgan shrugged. “Quinn suggested it, if I’m being honest. And now I can see why.”

Both girls turned to look at me, and it was my turn to shrug. “I think the best antidote to drama is being honest,” I said for the record. “If I didn’t tell you this immediately, I feel like it would be the exact same situation we were just in, in reverse. And to be honest…” I trailed off. “This is going to sound dumb, but you’re both really special to me, in your own ways. Both of you fill a different… social need of mine. I don’t quite get it myself. But just talking to one of you here didn’t seem right. And you two… are still friends, right?”

Morgan turned to Taylor and smiled again. “Yeah,” she admitted. 

“Why the heck wouldn’t we be?” Taylor questioned.

“Nearly stealing my boyfri-” Morgan caught herself. “Ex-boyfriend, twice, did make me a bit… nervous. It does throw a wrench into things.”

“Oh yeah?” Taylor challenged. “What do you c-”

“Taylor,” I asserted, nearly standing up. “She’s saying it to communicate how she feels, not to blame you.”

“I mean, I’m saying it for both,” Morgan replied, stone-faced. “Didn’t you want to blame someone when Joel broke up with you?”

“What? No, I didn’t blame Quinn,” Taylor immediately fired back. “You can ask him. I never did.”

“I’m talking about Abby.”

Taylor’s face turned into a pout and she looked away. “I don’t want to talk about this,” she said weakly. 

That was as close to a ‘yes’ as we were going to get from her. I thought Morgan was going to back off, but she persisted. “What’s the best way to both let you know you’re my friend but also get it through your head that you keep doing things that upset me?”

It was so blunt and honest that it caught Taylor unaware. She turned back to Morgan and processed the words, and eventually, she shrugged. “I dunno,” she said quietly. 

“You’re going to move away soon,” I found myself saying. “Maybe some time away from Taylor, and maybe even me, will do some good for you.”

Morgan looked back at me with a sad expression. “I don’t want time away from either of you. I’m really scared that…” She stopped and looked to the ground.

I waited, but Taylor didn’t. “You’re really scared that what?”

Morgan shrugged. “That being away from me will make you forget about me. That you’ll find new friends, or new girlfriends, or something.”

Taylor moved next to Morgan and put her arm around her. “Morgan,” she sang. “You and I keep being friends no matter what happens, and that’s because we’re, like, such good friends. Nothing will keep us apart.”

Morgan’s expression just grew sadder. “But now we’re being pushed apart because of… well…”

“Because of me?” I offered.

I was almost scared. It was clear. I was the biggest threat to their friendship. I was the thing that would need to be eliminated if Taylor and Morgan were sick of the drama. If they wanted to keep their friendship going as smoothly as possible, there was one piece that didn’t fit into the puzzle, and that was me. 

Morgan looked at me and, seemingly, read my mind. “Don’t you dare,” she said.

“It’s true though,” I replied softly. “Even if you two kept being close, if we took some time away from each other, I think it would help you two. It might even help us two, Morgan.”

I realized I was just sounding like Morgan did, right before she hit me. Being ominously calm and realizing the other person didn’t need me like they needed Taylor. It always came back to Taylor. Maybe it was time to talk without Taylor. After I finished, I whipped out my phone and texted Morgan. 

Let me come over tomorrow. We can talk then. I think we’re wearing Taylor out.

While I was texting her, Taylor took over. “I think he’s right,” she gingerly offered. “Morgan, think about it. All this mess-”

“Shut up,” Morgan asserted. “No. No, no, no. This is not a solution. This will only make things worse, for everyone.”

“Hey Morgan, your phone is vibrating,” I chimed in. 

“I don’t care.”

I rolled my eyes. “Morgan, I texted you, you genius, read it.”

Her eyebrows met in a V with her anger, but she picked up the phone and read it.

“What does it say?” Taylor asked.

“Two geniuses,” I mused. “If I wanted you to know what I said, I would have just said it.”

Morgan finished reading what I said and looked up at me with suspicion.

Taylor noticed Morgan’s look, and that was good enough for me. “So hey, let’s practice. Let’s at least try it out, maybe spend tomorrow away from each other.” I looked at Morgan meaningfully, trying to tell her without winking that I was lying to help satiate Taylor’s curiosity. “Do you mind if Taylor drives me back home?”

Morgan bit her lip. “Can I at least text you tomorrow?” she offered, clearly getting my facade.

“You can try, I’ll see if I feel up to answering,” I replied. “Are you okay with that?”

“I think so,” Morgan said with a nod. “Anything you need to say, Tay?”

“Yeah.” Taylor turned to me. “Fuck you for pulling this shit and telling Morgan we did that without clearing it with me first.” Upon seeing me start to object, she lifted a finger. “I get it, maybe it was even the right thing to do or whatever, but still, fuck you.” She turned to Morgan. “And yeah. We’re even.”

“Let’s try to keep it that way,” Morgan replied softly, and the two shared a hug. “I still love you. Gym on Monday?”

“Sure,” Taylor said with a half-smile, then went for the door. I looked back at Morgan, now alone on the couch, and decided now was the time to give her a wink.

She instantly smiled at me and quickly hid it again when Taylor turned back around, demanding to know if I was ready to go. It was hard to break away from Morgan’s gaze as I left.

***

I stood on Morgan’s porch the next day, knocking on her door, the sound of the rain surrounding me. After a few seconds, Doug opened the door.

“You’re soaked,” he observed. 

“It’s raining,” I countered. “Can I come in?”

“Uh, yeah, just hang up your jacket or something. Take your shoes off,” Doug replied, letting me in. I closed the door and shed some of my wetter clothing, then walked inside, still feeling the water coming off me. 

“So, you’re here to see Morgan?” he asked. There was no mistaking the feeling in the undertone of his voice.

“Doug, I know everything,” I said meaningfully.

“What do you mean?” he asked innocently. I didn’t say anything, and he caught my gaze. After a few seconds, he dropped the act. “So, if you do, why the hell did you come back? Why do you even want to see her?”

“Because I know everything. Not just the bad stuff,” I replied. It was cheesy, but it also felt true.

He stared at me for a bit, then shrugged. “Okay,” he conceded. He walked to the stairs. “Morgan!” he yelled. “Quinn’s here for you.”

After about a minute, Morgan came downstairs, and the two of us quickly went to her room. We both walked in before either of us said anything.

“You’re soaked,” she observed. 

“It’s raining,” I countered again. 

“Couldn’t you get a ride or something?” she asked. 

“With whom? Taylor? Doug? Both of those would be bad,” I pointed out.

Neither of us said anything for a bit, until finally Morgan sat down on the bed and sighed. “I’m glad to see you,” she offered in a small voice. 

“It’s nice to see you too,” I replied.

“That’s not the same thing,” she noted, keeping her voice small, looking at the ground.

Silence took us for a few more seconds, until I started laughing nervously. “It’s crazy how many things we’re both feeling right now, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” she agreed. 

“Do we need to talk about the events of last night?” I asked.

“No. I know what happened and details would just make me relive it,” she answered. “I’m not mad at you. Or her. Just fate.”

The tension in the room was palpable. I came here to talk to her, but now that I was in the room with her, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t come here with a plan, or a point, or even anything more than a feeling. A feeling that I should just… be here with her, alone. 

I took a few steps towards the bed and just looked at her. Slowly, she stood up from the bed, looking me in the eyes.

“I was thinking of you last night,” she breathed. “After you left.”

We stared at each other for a few seconds, sadly smiling at each other’s faces. Slowly and yet all of a sudden, our faces got closer and closer until we were sharing a slow, tender kiss. 

“I missed you so much,” she practically cried when the kiss ended.

“It’s been maybe twelve hours,” I chuckle-whispered back.

“No,” she replied. “I missed you. The real you. The you that… belongs with me. Quinn, we belong together. I don’t want to take a break in college. I don’t want to need space. I just want you. Please. Please, please, please.” She hugged me and held me close, and I just held her.

We didn’t say anything more for a long time. We just held each other. After a bit, she broke away and kissed me again. “I blocked Arin on everything,” she began. “And I’ll never do it again. I don’t want to make that mistake again. I’ll be good. I’ll be so good to you. I don’t want to lose you.”

“Morgan, I’m a guy that you barely knew half a year ago,” I soothed her. “You don’t need me. No matter how bad things get, there’s always more life to live out there.”

“I don’t want more, I want what we have,” she replied with force. “Quinn, half a year ago I wasn’t happy. I was just going through the motions. I never got butterflies before. But with you, on our silly little dates, or at parties, or even when we fought, things felt like it mattered. I found out what butterflies even felt like. I have butterflies now. Please, please tell me you feel the butterflies too.”

I had to admit, I knew what the butterflies felt like, but they were… dulled right now. Was I supposed to tell her that, or not?

“I don’t know what I’m feeling,” I admitted. “This was all a lot. We’re both feeling different ways right now.”

Tears sprung into Morgan’s eyes. “What can I say to make things okay again?” she asked, getting choked up. “I don’t even need things to be like they were. They can be new, they can be totally new. I just need to undo what I did. I just need to say the right things. I just - I just -”

“You just need to calm down, for now,” I half-chuckled. “Let’s sit down.”

We sat down together on her bed, and held hands. I stroked my thumb across her knuckles, and she just stared at it. “Why are you… doing these things while telling me this?” she asked. “You’re kissing me, and stroking my hand, and telling me you’re not even sure if you feel the butterflies.”

“I want to kiss you, and it feels good, but there’s a lot of pain there,” I admitted. “And I’m trying to ask myself what I do feel. Do you want me to lie?”

She shook her head no, and looked down again. “Selfishly, I just want you to change, I guess,” she admitted. “Like, I just want you to magically want me again. Honesty time.”

“I don’t not want you,” I said instinctively.

“But you can’t say if you do want me,” she replied sadly. 

“Morgan…” I nearly laughed in frustration. “These last few days have been a lot. A big part of me does kind of want to be single after all that. Like, I feel things for you, but I don’t know what they are, and I want to be single. You can’t expect me to suddenly have everything straight and know how to feel about all this even if you know what you want.”

“Yeah, but if I know what I want, and am ready to, like, make amends, I can do what I can to fix things,” she replied feebly.

“I’m not really sure that’s how this all works,” I said slowly.

“So what do you think is the best way this can work?” she asked.

I thought about it.