Shit!

Jerry stood outside the classy little jewellery store in the strip mall near his house, staring at the locked door and ‘Closed for Christmas’ sign like it was going to magically disappear. As he looked frantically about, his gaze fell on a couple exiting a little boutique-type shop: ‘Lushious Intimates & Gifts’.

“Lushious?” Jerry muttered. “Well that’s just daft, do people not know how to spell anymore?”

He stood in a quandary, trying to talk himself into venturing inside, when an elegantly-dressed lady suddenly appeared in the doorway with a long metal pole in her hands. When he realised she was about to reach for the shutter, he yelped and practically dove for the entrance. She stood back and arched an eyebrow at him in amusement, letting him into the shop.

“You still have fifteen minutes until the store closes, sir,” she said, the laughter coming through in her tone. “I just like to pull the shutter down part way to warn people we’re closing soon. I’m Ana – please just give me a shout if you need me.”

“Ah, sure,” he replied, a little sheepishly. “I’ll just be…” he waved his hand around vaguely to indicate browsing and she smiled that little amused smile again before returning her attention to the shutter.

Jerry made his way along the aisles, his hope fading by the minute. Everywhere he turned, there were ridiculously suggestive costumes, or scraps of material that someone was somehow charging a fortune for. He stopped between a highly impractical nun’s outfit and a pair of crotchless, black pvc panties to consider his options.

Okay, he thought. Let’s analyse. Option A, I come home with some underwear made from pvc and she kills me. B, I come home with a slutty nurse outfit and I’ll need a real nurse to surgically remove the thermometer she’ll stick up my ass. C, I come home with nothing and she’ll not speak to me again until next Christmas. D, I turn back time, go shopping yesterday, buy something with diamonds and get the husband of the year award.

Aware that his thoughts were beginning to border on the hysterical, he started browsing again, hoping inspiration would hit. When he saw Ana return to the sales desk, he called over to her.

“Excuse me, you don’t by any chance sell jewellery do you?” he asked, hopefully.

“Actually we do, sir. In the section at the back,” she replied, again with that amused smirk he suspected was always present.

Trying not to get his hopes up, he hurried to the back of the store, hoping to see some little glass cases with nice shiny gems inside them. What he saw, however, was a curtained-off alcove with a sign saying ‘adults only’ hanging beside it. He pulled the curtain back, already resigned to the fact that he wouldn’t be finding some tasteful accessories any time soon.

He found himself in sex toy heaven.

The back wall of the shop was literally covered, top to bottom, with toys. There were vibrators, dildos, plugs, body jewellery, clamps, and other terrifying looking contraptions that looked like they might kill a man on sight. As his gaze swept across the enclosed area, he focused on a giant black dildo just at eye-level in the very middle of the display. Named ‘Shaft’, it looked like it could do some serious damage. Curious, he lifted it off the shelf, his mind boggling at the weight of the thing.

How in the name of all that is good and holy can a woman fit that in her-

“Can I help you with anything, sir?” The polite voice came from just behind him.

Jerry spun round, stifling a very unmanly squeak, and gestured with the huge black dildo.

“Umm, this came off the wall. I mean, I was just… umm, it fell,” he stammered, his excuses sounding lame even to his own ears.

“Yes, sometimes they just have a life of their own,” Ana stated, wryly, holding her hand out for the dildo.

Meekly he passed it over and she placed it back on the shelf before taking pity on him. He looked so rumpled and flustered and he could possibly be her last sale of the year. She had already spotted the wedding ring and the slightly crazed look in his eye.

“Can I assume you’re looking for a gift for your wife?” she inquired, gently.

“Yes.” Shoulders slumped, he just radiated misery and it took all her will power not to laugh at his hang-dog expression.

“You know, we do carry La Perla underwear here. I don’t know a woman on the planet that would turn her nose up at that range, especially from her husband, especially on a special occasion.”

He had to come clean.

“I can’t remember her bra size,” he winced.

“Hmm, then you’re not left with too many choices…” She let the sentence trail off. “I mean, it’s Christmas Eve, the shops are pretty much closed, a woman has radar for last-minute gas-station gifts…”

“Do you have anything you think might be suitable?” Jerry pleaded with the lady.

“Well, I do have one idea. But it’s quite expensive.” She watched in glee as his eyes lit up at the word.

“No, expensive is good,” he replied, eagerly.

“Very well, follow me.”

She led the way over to the sales desk, Jerry following faithfully behind. Rounding the desk, she picked up a smallish brown-paper package from the floor and sat it on the counter.

“Normally these are sold out well in advance of Christmas Eve, but there was a mix-up with shipping for this one.”

As she spoke, she used a pair of scissors to tear open the tape around the box. She opened the box with deft fingers and spun it round to face Jerry.

“Huh,” was his non-committal reaction as he studied the sleek lines. It was obviously a sex toy, but it looked… classy, if possible. There were no veins, lurid colours, or garish rubber appendages, just clean curves, a classy purple trim and a gleam of gold that whispered ‘expensive’.

“This here, is the Lelo Soraya,” Ana informed him. At his blank look, she pressed on. “It normally retails for $199, but we’re currently doing a deal, so if you spend over $150 in-store you also get a free gift.”

“$199?” Jerry repeated incredulously. “That’s a lot of money for a vibrator.”

“If I can be blunt, sir, do you and your wife use sex toys?” she asked, her expression totally innocent.

“Umm, no,” said Jerry, hoarsely, feeling the flush creep across his face. “Never have before.”

“Then may I suggest that you start with the best,” she replied, eyes steady on his face. “I’ve never had a dissatisfied customer yet, and trust me, I hear the reviews.”

Oh, what the hell. Either Molly would love it or he’d be in the bad books for a while, but if he went home with nothing, he knew without a doubt what the outcome would be.

“Okay, I’ll take it,” he heard himself say, his voice wavering at the thought of dropping two hundred bucks on a vibrator.

“Excellent, sir,” Ana said, looking genuinely delighted. “Now, about your free gift, we have a range you can choose from, all on the second bottom shelf in the -“

“Please,” Jerry interrupted faintly, “can you just pick something for me and wrap it up?”

“Of course,” she acquiesced, and disappeared into the curtained alcove, returning a few moments later with a small box. “Nipple clamps,” she volunteered conspiratorially, even though he hadn’t asked. She wrapped them in tissue paper and placed them on top of the black box. Another few sheets of tissue paper went round both packages together, and she finished the look off with a thin piece of silver ribbon, tied in a bow.

“I hope you enjoy them,” she said, as she finished ringing up the sale and handed him his receipt and parcel. “Be sure to pop back in and let me know if she appreciated it.”

“Ah sure thing,” Jerry mumbled, desperate to escape her amused smirk. As he bolted for the exit, she watched him, her laughter finally bubbling out as he practically threw himself out the door. She had a feeling he was in for one hell of a Christmas!

***

Jerry grabbed his last joint and lighter from the bottom kitchen drawer before making his way out to the back deck for a smoke. Man, it’s cold out here. He pulled his robe tighter. Molly hated him smoking in the house, but this cold would freeze a badger’s arse off if he sat around for too long. He scratched his balls absently as he took a long drag, trying to pull some heat into his lungs. His mind drifted to Molly, waiting for him in bed. He feared he was getting a bit, well, stuck in his ways when it came to sex these days. Maybe he could broach the subject tomorrow when he handed over her gift. Even if he didn’t, she could just use that when he wasn’t around, and it wouldn’t matter then… would it?

Shaking his head, he decided it was a problem for another day. He stubbed out the joint and took a few deep breaths, enjoying the pleasant buzz he had going on. He headed back indoors and threw his robe over a kitchen chair as the blast of heat welcomed him. He locked up behind him, and had just started up the first few stairs when a noise from the parlour drew his attention.

What was that? He turned on his heel and went to investigate. It had sounded like a muffled thud, followed by a giggle and he assumed he must have left the television on. When he reached the door and stuck his head in however, the tv sat quietly in the corner, not a flicker on its dark screen.

Huh? Jerry thought, as he came all the way into the room. Where previously there had been a nice neat pile of presents under the tree, there was now a chaotic mess, as if someone had been looking for something at the bottom of the pile and hadn’t tidied up after themselves. Added to that, the box that Ana had so considerately wrapped was now lying open and empty, the tissue paper in shreds on the floor. As he stared in consternation, trying to figure out what had happened, a throat clearing politely behind him had him spinning around, fists raised in a classic fighting stance.

There was no-one there.

Jerry blinked twice to ensure his eyes were working when the noise came again.

“Ahem.”

Following the sound of the voice, Jerry cast his gaze down until he saw its owner. He blinked hard again, not believing his eyes.

The Lelo-Soraya stood before him, all of nine inches high, hands on hips, staring intently at him.

What the actual fuck?

Jerry squeezed his eyes tightly shut and prayed to any available higher power that his eyes would be working okay when he opened them again. Bracing himself, he peeked open one eye.

This time, she waggled a finger at him.

“Monsieur, I must say zat it sounds to me like you ‘ave no, how do you say, finesse, when it comes to ze sex. All I hear is ze ‘bang bang bang’ from upstairs. Where is ze variety, hmm?”

Jerry’s mouth opened and closed a few times, with no sound coming out as his brain tried to process whatever the fuck was happening to him right now. Unfazed, Lelo-Soraya continued on.

“I am ‘ere to ‘elp you, mon ami, oui? I am what you call ze ghost of ze Christmas present. Just like in ze movie, n’est pas?”

This time, something resembling a guinea-pig’s bubbly squeaks sounded when Jerry opened his mouth. He closed his mouth again, took a deep breath and tried to form a coherent thought, hoping that it might lead to some coherent words. Only one thought formed.

“I’ve gone mad,” he whispered slowly.

“Nonsense, monsieur,” Lelo-Soraya tutted. “You are quite as sane as I am. Now, no time to waste, Christmas is nearly upon us and I must start your lessons.”

With that comforting announcement, she leaped onto his shoulder, snapped her fingers and smirked as the nipple clamps flew across the room and attached themselves to his chest.

“Owwwcchhh!”

“Ha!” Lelo-Soraya exclaimed smugly. “You will feel ze bite if you don’t behave. Now, upstairs!

***

Molly awoke with a start, the inky darkness further confusing her disorientated senses, before realising she was still in bed and was somehow wearing her sleep mask. As she reached to take it off, she heard Jerry’s unsure voice.

“Ah no, babe. Leave it on for now. There’s something I want to try.”

“Jerry, what are you playing at? What time is it anyway?” she replied, hoping she hadn’t slept through the whole of Christmas Eve.

“Relax, Molly. It’s just gone eleven,” Jerry said, soothingly, hoping against hope she wouldn’t take the mask off and see his predicament. He didn’t quite believe it himself and didn’t know how she would react.

Molly was feeling a little suspicious about his request, but in the spirit of the Christmas season, decided to play along, so she lay still, the sleep mask secure across her eyes.

“Music,” whispered Lelo-Soraya into Jerry’s ear and he crossed to the iPod dock to select a suitable accompaniment to the night’s activities. As Barry White’s deep voice crooned out of the speakers, Lelo-Soraya rolled her eyes and jabbed Jerry in the ear.

“Be subtle, mon dieu,” she hissed, shaking her head at his choice.

Swatting at his ear, he stifled a yelp and hurriedly changed the selection to some generic instrumental chill-out music.

“Better,” Lelo-Soraya whispered. “Ze music should be a soundtrack, not a distraction, oui?”

As Jerry approached the bed again, he paused, not really knowing where to begin. He pulled the covers off Molly and was about to reach for her pussy when Lelo-Soraya again jabbed him in the ear.

“Will you stop doing that,” he mouthed at her, indignant at his treatment.

She shrugged an elegant shoulder and leaned closer to his ear.

“You do not start with ze prize, with ze dénouement. You must start at ze head, then ze feet, making your way slowly to ze centre.

When you have finally reached zere, I will help you out,” she said, leaping nimbly off his shoulder to perch on the bed, looking fabulously bored.

The head, then the feet, repeated Jerry, as he walked to the top of the bed and studied Molly’s face. Her forehead was creased in a slight frown, betraying her puzzlement. Her lips were as rosy and full as always and it wasn’t exactly a hardship to lean over and capture her mouth with his. He kept the touch light at first, enjoying the feel of her lips against his, tracing their curves with his tongue before sucking her full bottom lip into his mouth and grazing his teeth gently across it.

At her moan of approval, Jerry deepened the kiss, darting his tongue into her mouth to dance with hers. She was soft and ripe and tasted like home and he briefly wondered why he didn’t do this more often before he lost himself in the kiss. His tongue now warred with hers, claiming her mouth, plundering, before he gentled the kiss again, each sweet contact stirring something deep inside of him.

He broke the kiss and stared down at her. Her cheeks were flushed, her breath puffing in and out and her lips were taking on that beautiful bruised-red tint. He traced her bottom lip with his finger and when her lips parted, slipped his finger into her mouth and let her suckle. When he withdrew his finger, he watched, amazed, as her back arched off the bed, looking for more. He looked over at Lelo-Soraya who was now watching him with a smug look on her face. She jabbed a finger in the direction of Molly’s feet to remind him what was next

More confident now, he moved to the bottom of the bed and studied Molly’s feet. They were small and delicately arched, nails painted a pretty pink colour. He had to confess, he’d never really paid them much attention before. Molly always dressed for comfort, not for style, so he was used to seeing her in a pair of sneakers, or hiking boots when they went for a trek, not three-inch statement stilettos that put her feet on display.

Picking up her left foot, he braced her heel against his thigh and squeezed the pad of her foot, just under her toes. She let out a long heartfelt groan of pleasure that shot straight to his loins as he continued to massage her foot. Her toes were curling and uncurling as he worked on her, and he couldn’t resist raising her foot to his mouth and nibbling gently on her perfect pink digits.

“Oh my god,” Molly murmured quietly, as Jerry sucked her big toe into his mouth. He had never bothered with her feet before. Who knew that would feel so damn good?

As he suckled on her tootsies, Jerry stroked his fingers gently down the sole of her foot, sending little shivers through her body. When he had attended to every toe, he moved to her other foot and repeated the whole process. As he nibbled, he watched her face. The flush on her cheeks had deepened and her whole body had relaxed into the mattress.

Placing her foot back on the bed, he eagerly headed back up to the top end and studied her breasts. He had always loved her breasts, they were what had attracted his shallow ass in the first place. He was about to reach for her nipples when he stopped, looked at Lelo-Soraya’s raised eyebrow, and reconsidered.

He leaned over the bed and traced his finger down from her neck over the soft swell of her breast, marvelling at how her soft skin managed to become even softer. He traced his finger around the contours of her breast, noticing how her nipples puckered and hardened as he went. Bending right over, he replaced his finger with his mouth and kissed his way around her breasts. He could feel her heart beating underneath her skin as finally he nudged her pointed nipple with his nose. He kissed around it, loving how hard it was. He gently ran his tongue over her nipple to moisten it, before blowing gently on it. She gasped at the sensation and her nipple hardened further. Jerry followed this with his hot tongue, closing his mouth over the bud and sucking hard. Again, she arched off the bed, muttering incoherently, until he gently pressed her back down. He repeated this with her other nipple, rolling the first one between finger and thumb to keep it nice and hard. He could feel the pre-cum dripping from his cock as he worked on her, her reactions such a turn-on for him.

As he raised his head from her breasts, he heard a slight click and the nipple clamps fell from his chest onto the bed. He looked over at Lelo-Soraya and she nodded in encouragement, so he picked them up gingerly and held them over Molly’s hard nipples. Hoping she wouldn’t hate him for this, he gently closed first one, then the other, over the straining tips.

“Oh god, yes!” Molly moaned, as the sharp sting settled into a heightened awareness. Her fingers came up to inspect the clamps, and he watched her give her nipples a hard tug before she placed her hands back by her sides.

“Jerry, I don’t know what’s got into you tonight, but I love it,” she said, breathlessly. “Please fuck me soon, I really need to cum.”

Jerry’s cock pulsed a little harder at her words, but he wanted to finish out this play and see where it left them. Leaving her nipples, he trailed a hand down her belly, circling her pussy and down her smooth legs until he reached her knees. Lifting one leg up, he began to trace little random patterns on the back of Molly’s knees. The skin was warm there, tender, and again he found his mouth drawn to it. He bit gently into the soft meat of her flesh and was rewarded with another gasp. He looked back up her body and saw her once again playing with her clamped nipples as he worked on her.

He could see her pussy glistening from here, could practically feel the heat from her centre as it leaked its juices onto the bed. He lowered her legs back onto the bed. He couldn’t wait any longer, he needed to taste that divine nectar, needed his tongue buried between her legs. He glanced once more at Lelo-Soraya. She was standing up, smiling broadly at him as she nodded.

“Oui, monsieur. Now you are ready. Enjoy.”

With those words, there was a flash, and she fell to the bed between Molly’s legs. Jerry blinked his eyes once, twice, trying to clear the spots from his vision. When his sight returned, he saw nothing but a tasteful, unremarkable vibrator lying between Molly’s legs.

What the fuck? He reached for the object that had gleefully tormented him for the past hour. He picked it up, turned it this way and that, but the vibrator stayed silent and inert in his hands.

“Umm, Jerry?” Molly’s voice finally registered and he realised he’d left her hanging.

“Sorry, babe, just needed one more thing,” he improvised, looking at the vibrator and thinking that he may as well use it seeing as it was here. He pressed the button at the base and it hummed to life. Tentatively, he drew it slowly along the soft flesh of Molly’s upper thigh, just where it joined her stomach and was rewarded with a groan.

“Oh my god, that feels amazing,” Molly said, her legs widening involuntarily, as she revelled in the sensation.

Jerry traced around her pussy on both sides before gently slipping the tip of the vibrator into her glistening folds. As he gently fucked her with the toy, he lowered his mouth to her clit and licked it, tentatively at first, until Molly’s enthusiastic reaction spurred him on. He clamped his mouth over her clit and sucked hard, bringing her to a quick, brutal orgasm.

She lay, dazed, while Jerry experimented with the buttons on the vibrator until he found a setting that no human man could possibly match.

If my dick could do that I’d make a fucking fortune, he thought and he inserted the device back into Molly’s pussy as deep as it would go.

This time, her moan was long and drawn out, as the toy worked its magic on her g-spot. Jerry, content to let the toy do things no man could, returned his attention to her clit. It was a beautiful rosy colour now, flushed from her earlier orgasm. He wanted her to cum again, knew that this one would be worth working for. He settled down between her legs and used the fingers of one hand to fully expose her erect little clit, while the other hand gently fucked her with the toy.

Remembering the earlier advice of not going straight to the prize, Jerry tongued all around Molly’s clit without touching the little bud. He licked from where the toy protruded from her glistening hole, right up to the base of her clit over and over, until she was wriggling and desperate for him to touch her there.

“Please Jerry, suck my clit, babe,” Molly cried out, her voice throaty with passion.

Before obliging her, Jerry pulled the toy almost fully out of her slit a few times and plunged it back in hard. Her juices were leaking out of her hole now, down the crack of her ass, making her pretty little rosebud glisten in the lamp light. He traced his thumb over it gently and she jerked in surprise, but didn’t complain. Buoyed, he traced little circles around her ass, watching in delight as her muscles there quivered in reply.

Keeping his thumb lightly rubbing over her crack, he again lowered his head to her clit. Ever so gently now, he licked the little nub, wetting it with his tongue, teasing it to attention. As it hardened, he made an ‘o’ shape with his lips, and started fucking the little button with his mouth, using his tongue to tease it as he did so.

Molly was going wild beneath him and it was all he could do to keep up the stimulation. She was thrusting her hips this way and that, trying to get away from the torment or get more, he wasn’t sure, but when her thrusts meant his thumb penetrated her tight ring, she certainly wasn’t complaining.

“Yes, right there, Jerry. Fuck me deep, finger my ass.”

Jerry nearly shot his load as he listened to his wife’s dirty talk. It seemed he had awakened her inner slut and he was loving it as much as she was. He began to suck harder on her clit and she continued to hump both the toy and his thumb, until her body began to shudder uncontrollably.

“Yes!” she practically screamed, as her whole body tensed, before jerking one last time as the orgasm took her.

Jerry let go of her overly-sensitive clit and pulled the toy from her pussy. He was leaking everywhere and knew he wouldn’t last long, but he had a deep, primal need to fuck his wife now. He knelt up between her legs and slowly fed his aching cock into her inch by inch. He could feel her muscles milking him as he went, the aftershocks of her violent orgasm. Now was not the moment for finesse and when he was fully in, he wasted no time pulling back out, and then impaling himself inside her again, hard.

He began to fuck her, furiously, driving in and out, wanting to cum before the last shocks of her orgasm wore off. She was so hot, so wet and her contracting pussy walls enveloped him in a molten grip. He felt his balls tighten an instant before he felt his hot cum shooting up his cock to spurt deep inside her. He collapsed on top of her as they both lay, dazed and shuddering, coming down slowly from the highest high.

When his breathing had returned to something more normal, Jerry levered himself up and flopped down beside Molly. She had pulled the sleep mask off and lay there, staring at the ceiling, eyes still a little bit dazed.

“Jerry, that was fucking hot,” she admitted, still sounding a little out of it. “I don’t know what on earth has gotten into you tonight, but I’m certainly not complaining!”

“You know, babe, I don’t think you would believe me if I told you,” he admitted, pulling her into his arms as he pulled the covers up around them. “Let’s just say it was my way of getting into the festive spirit.”

“Like I said, I’m not complaining,” Molly said, as she snuggled into him. “Next time, maybe I’ll blindfold you though, keep things interesting.”

“That could be arranged,” Jerry answered with a chuckle, as they drifted off to sleep. 

***

The beep beep beep of the alarm woke Molly just after dawn. The air had a thick and silent quality to it and she felt a shiver of anticipation as she leapt from the bed to peek through the curtains. Snow! Thick, fat flakes of pure white snow filled her vision and she did a quick happy dance at the sight. Turning, she saw Jerry sprawled flat out on the bed and delicious memories of the previous night came flooding back.

He’s earned his sleep, she thought to herself and leaving him be, she tiptoed downstairs to the parlour alone. In front of the quietly glowing tree, she sank to her knees and contemplated all the tempting presents.

Just one, I’ll just peek in one box before he comes down, she promised herself. She reached for the biggest, shiniest box, pulling it closer to her so she could lift the lid. Before she could, she caught sight of a much smaller, nondescript black box hiding behind it. It stood out due to its lack of fancy packaging and she found herself leaving the big shiny box and reaching instead for the smaller black one.

As she lifted the lid, the lights from the tree danced across the gleaming surface within. Mesmerised, she traced her finger along the length of the toy, the shiny gold yin contrasting beautifully with the dark, matt purple yang. As recognition of the familiar contours came to her, she smiled to herself.

Merry Christmas to me.

Upstairs, Jerry cracked one eye open and looked about cautiously. When nothing jumped out at him, he opened his other eye and sat up slowly to look around the room. On his bedside table sat an innocuous looking pair of nipple clamps. He poked at them quickly, snatching his finger back before they could bite. When they sat there sedately, he poked them harder. Still nothing.

I’m losing my fucking mind, he thought to himself, as he ran a hand wearily over his stubble-darkened face. No more wacky baccy for me.

He slumped back to a supine position as memories of last night replayed through his head. He had been a legend last night. His wife liked ass play, and she could cum louder than a porn star. That opened up a whole new world of possibilities.

“Yeah, I’m a legend,” he whispered quietly, smugly. “Merry fucking Christmas to me.”