Move house they said, get one with a pool they said. The fresh air out of the city, enjoy a different pace of life. You'll love it they said. Join a country club, play golf, play tennis, enjoy your retirement. 

I'm 35, you can't retire me, you fuckers. I'm stewing here in this place. Sure, the house is nice, there's no crime, the people are beautiful, the country club is fun. For a week or two. Now, though, I have to live in this house, with neighbours who definitely don't think I should be here.

Take next door. Bryan and Danielle; he's never home, thinks he's doing the right thing, providing for his family. Leaving before seven, never home before eight. Two kids, one of each, the family dog, talk about a cliche. Absolutely no idea how she fills her time, she's pretty good at looking down her nose at everyone but that can't keep her busy? There's only so many yoga classes you can go to surely. I'd say ten years older than me but a pair on her like you wouldn't believe. Absolutely staggering, you see them before she turns the corner. Watching her get out of her huge car is always a delight. She definitely had fun at high school and college. He''s probably pushing fifty and not in the shape she is. They do not like me, even when I offered to help their kids with soccer coaching, "No, it's ok, they have a programme." A programme? They're no older than twelve and fourteen.

And look at them, might as well have matching outfits when they do ever see each other. She won't even collect the paper from her front lawn without styling up. That long brown hair, tousled up, ok, she does look very good. In its own way it's fun to watch, these competitive couples. Who knows what they are competing about though, and it's definitely a scoreless draw right now. Although, the plastic surgery on Number forty-two makes her the loser.

Last weekend I had a party and thought I should do the right thing so I invited the neighbours. They all politely declined in the nicest way possible: "Oh that's such a nice idea, unfortunately on Saturdays we.... yadda yadda yadda." Small thin smiles, kids running around. On that note, how are their homes so clean when they have kids? Ah yeah, the cleaners. Every one of them offered the services of their cleaner when I moved in. Some weird variation on bringing over home-baked apple pie. To be fair though Danielle's cleaner is bloody good.

During the party, Danielle was next door, as was Bryan and the kids. Those excuses looking pretty rude right now. She was definitely watching the party. Good. That's what fun looks like. People laughing, making a mess, noise, riffing off each other in unstructured ways. What you do isn't normal! Music, alcohol, some drugs, people of all ages. I caught her watching from her bedroom window that can see over the hedge. Made me smile that, poor thing, has no idea what we were actually getting up to when the lights went out.

Then the Sunday clean up. Oh, of course that's when she had to come over to complain. Wouldn't dream of coming over and actually enjoying herself but sure when I'm hanging like a dog that's when she knocks. Wearing jeans that look painted on to those firm legs, heels, that is a good look when you look like her. And that top, brown, knitted wool or cotton, showing off her midriff. I keep looking at her via my phone, one of those video doorbells. She's no taller than the top of my chest, 5 3" maybe? I feel a familiar stirring despite my hangover as I get up.

I trudge to the door, past a few half-naked bodies, surveying the wreckage. Cleaner arrives in an hour, poor girl, I better leave some extra cash. Can't wait to get out and grab brunch somewhere. I snag a towel and wrap it around my waist, opening the door leaning on the jam. "Hi, Danielle"

Her eyes give her away so easily. At first, definitely wanting to be angry, there was real anger there. Then surprise, the darkness of her pupils only magnified as her eyes widened as she saw me half-naked. Then she definitely took a beat too long to come back up to my eyes. Her husband doesn't take care of himself, not like she does. I note that Bryan's not here in solidarity, probably slumped in front of that monster TV they have.

"Er, Hi Nick," she stutters. I can't help but laugh to myself. "So, yesterday, well, I hate to be that neighbour but well, it was a little loud. We obviously don't want any trouble but there is a curfew on noise after 10pm in this neighbourhood." I keep my mouth shut enjoying her nervousness. "This is a family neighbourhood and obviously, you seem very nice, but we do like it to be quiet so the kids can get their sleep."

As she keeps talking, really trying to be nice but really failing I can't help notice how her nose wrinkles when she reaches the end of her sentences as though remarking on a job well done. She's stopped talking and my mind is torn, be nice, be a dick, be nice, be a dick.

I give her my best apologetic smile, running my hand through my hair, a wry smile full of contrition. She'll love this, "I'm sorry, you're absolutely right, we may have gone a bit overboard. Next time though please just let me know, you have my number you can call or leave me a message. I'm sorry, I feel absolutely terrible to have disturbed everyone."

She nods, taking in what I've said. Did she come for a fight or something? Finally she smiles, "Thanks Nick. I knew you would understand." She reaches in her bag and hands me a bikini top. "I think this is from one of your, er, guests."

I can't help but laugh, in her small, perfectly manicured hand the neon pink bikini top looks ridiculous. Oh shit, it's Alex's, she has massive tits, but, well... takes one to know one. I laugh "Thanks Danielle, I don't know how that ended up in your garden. I'm really, really sorry and it won't happen again."

A brainwave hits me. "How about as an apology... I have these spa passes for the Club and there are some his and hers massages... How about I treat you and we can grab lunch and get to know each other?"

This has got her. "I, er, well, I don't erm."

Smiling at her throughout her awkwardness. "Come on, you might even enjoy it."

"No, I think that wouldn't be right. Please keep the noise down." She spins on her heel and walks off, her heels clicking on the driveway, her ass swaying as she struts, there is no other word for it, struts down my driveway so fucking proud of her decision making. I chuckle to myself and watch her go, the curve of an ass that has clearly been worked on. "Bitch," I mutter under my breath with a little laugh.

Shutting the door I'm confronted by the chaos and the sight of some gorgeous half-naked women and men. Walking past I see a particularly lovely ass and give Ara a spank. She rolls over, half asleep and gives me a grin, "Don't tease me," she chuckles, running her hand over where I've just spanked her. I head outside and jump in the pool, naked, soaking up the sun, wishing this hangover away. My mind filled with images of Danielle in that top dropping to her knees for me, running her tongue over her lips.

All of that is interrupted by a splash and a half-naked Alex swimming up to me. "Have you seen my bikini top?" Cupping her ass cheeks in my hands as she wraps herself around me and rubs her huge breasts in my face, I whisper in her ear, "Actually, I have. But you're going to have to work to get it back."

"Oh, I intend to!" She giggles as she grinds herself against my growing cock.