“Fuck Christmas. I wanna shag sluts.” Santa's reindeer detoured to the North Pole pharmacy. Two bodacious babes prominent on the naughty list were, unsurprisingly, underdressed.

Santa's schlong stretched one strumpet’s sopping snatch. Santa-seed spurted; Rudolph stomped his hoof impatiently. Venison’s invigorating when yule be shafting another quim.

All-night sexual shenanigans screwed seasonal cheer; Santa's become our Christmas Grinch. Better news kiddies: the pharmacy has half-price presents. Bad news parents: the Viagra's all gone.

Mrs Claus’s Christmas message? “No fucking Christmas tarts at home, Santa.”

With sluts still in her bed Santa-snuggled, Mrs C's reverted to her maiden name – Mary Christmas.