"I've got one." 

"Sssshhhh." 

"But..." 

"What have I said about when I'm reading?" 

"I'm not to disturb you when you're reading." 

"What am I doing?" 

"You're reading, but..." 

"Look, how many times do I have to tell you that I really don't care about your puerile computer game adventures. I don't care about winged sandals, poisoned or unpoisoned chalices, and I certainly don't care about grails holy, knots gordian or swords damoclean, so I really don't care about whatever it is you've got."

"It's not puerile."

"Still don't care. Still trying to read." 

"Anyway, it's nothing to do with World of Warcraft."

"For fucks sake. Reading." 

"I've got a topic for one of your talky things. Thought you might be interested in a little fantasy role-playing of your own." 

"Really? You've really come up with something all by yourself." 

"Yep." 

"And would this something have anything to do with Catherine the Great, Empress of All Russia, born 1729, crowned Empress 1762, and died 1796?"

"Yes, but. How?" 

"You do know that you mumble to yourself when you're concentrating. It's almost endearing. Okay, I can see you're itching to tell me. What about Catherine would make a good role-play?" 

"Well, she was sexually voracious throughout her life. Right up until her death. Had many, many different lovers and when she was sixty she took up with Prince Platon Alexandrovich Zubov who was twenty-two. You've still got to do the 'Mature' category for your Omni-thingy and I thought this would fit the bill."

"So basically I'd be some gout-ridden, fat, saggy-tittied, old crone and you'd be a strutting young virile peacock with a resplendent display of tail feathers that you constantly flutter and fan in a needy attention-seeking sort of way."

"I wouldn't really put it like that. You're not really fat as such." 

"As such?" 

"Perhaps a bit chunky with the, you know, lockdown pounds." 

"Chunky! Is that any way to speak to the Empress of all Russia? I could have all your tail feathers plucked from your writhing flesh for such an insult, including that one you're so proud of that sticks out your front." 

"This one?" 

"Oh do put it away. You're embarrassing yourself." 

"Why don't you come over here and put it away yourself, Empress. So what do you think? Does the decrepit, lardy-arsed, Empress of all Russians want to play hide the sausage with her stunningly handsome lover, Prince Platon Alexandrovich Zubov? It might be your last chance. At your age and in your condition who knows when you might snuff it."

"I think, little Prince, that this resplendent royal fleshiness that you're feasting your eyes on would best be described as Rubenesque and along with my alabaster skin and flushed cheeks would have been regarded as a picture of health and desirability. Besides, you do know what was rumoured to have been the cause of her death? What the eighteenth-century royal gossips said had happened?" 

"No, what?" 

"I can't tell you." 

"What? Why? Why can't you tell me?" 

"It's forbidden. You'll have to look it up on your phone." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Just look it up."

"Fine." 

"I was right, you are quite endearing when you mumble." 

"Ssshhhh, reading." 

"Whatever." 

"Is that true? Is that how she died? Doing that obscene, unnatural act? Crushed because of a broken harness? What are you doing now?" 

"What are you doing now, Empress! The Empress is removing her panties and checking beneath her skirts for midgets, dwarves, people of restricted growth or whatever the correct phrasing is." 

"I think they're referred to as little people nowadays. Why are you looking for little people beneath your skirt?" 

"Empress! I won't tell you again Prince whoever you are."

"Prince Platon Alexandrovich Zubov, Empress. Are you masturbating, Empress?" 

"Of course, my little Prince, I'm a renowned nympho, constantly masturbating, fingers always slick with my royal jelly, sliding into my squelching, throbbing, insatiable core. Wetness soaking my hand, rivulets running down my wrist, splatters of want and pleasure decorating my chunky thighs and ham-like arm. Thrusting and fucking and skewering as I wonder why there isn't a little person beneath my skirt."

"Should there be Empress?" 

"Always. I employ a team of them. Never leave my bed-chamber without one secreted beneath my hooped petticoats, its little person mouth suckling firmly on my blood-swollen clit as it rams its entire arm into my slack, well-used cunt. Sometimes I'll command two of them down there. Have both of them stuff me full with their tiny arms as they slurp on my divine nectar and rim my oozing, cum-filled arse."

"May I, Empress? May I tend to your regal orifices?" 

"Perhaps you might be of assistance, little Prince." 

"Willingly, Empress. Surely it's my duty to fulfil my Empress's every whim, her every desire." 

"Uh-huh. Damn right. Fuck that's good. God, I'm wet. Can barely feel these fingers as they squelch into my over-used cunt and that tiny dicklet of nothingness isn't going to cut it, little Prince. Go and fetch me a dildo. The big purple one with the suction cup base."

"Now, Empress?" 

"Now, little Prince. The thick, nine-inch purple one." 

"This one!?" 

"Good boy. Gimme. On your knees. Tongue out. Lick the base. Oh, these modern plastics are so much better than that old armoire with all its chiselled and sculpted wooden cocks. This is far more flexible than having to mount all those special seats and perches, just pop it in your bag, carry it everywhere, and any old smooth surface and wet tongue will suffice. Though I do bet you miss pressing your swollen man-muscle into all those yummy cracks and slits, little Prince, and it was such a scrummy sight watching your tense, thrusting buttocks as you pounded your way between its lacquered, grainy grip. What do you think you're doing?"

"Um, wanking, Empress." 

"Did I say you could touch yourself, little Prince?" 

"No, Empress." 

"Hands in the small of your back. Crossed at the wrist. Such a good little Prince. Right, just going to nestle this gorgeous purple cock head between my drippy lips. Ohhhhh. Yesssss. That's better. A proper fucking cock. Unnggghhh." 

"Empress." 

"Sssshhh fucking." 

"Can I...?" 

"Mouth. Clit. Now. Suck it. Grab it between your pursed lips. Sink your teeth into its base. Drag it into your warm, wet mouth. Harder. Deeper. Just like one of my fabulous dwarves." 

"Libul peabul." 

"Pull it deep as I grind across your face, as I drive my squelching, soaked cunt down onto that glorious phallus. Smearing undeserving you with my desire, my juices, my pleasure. Suck it, little Prince."

"Yeth Embreth." 

"Two--inch clit, that's what Catherine had. All those hungry, attentive dwarf mouths feasting and feeding on it every day. Pulling and tugging it into their dribbling mouths. Bobbing up and down on it. A two-inch woman cock to stuff them full and leave them gasping. Isn't it fabulous, little Prince? Almost as big as your own pathetic, pink, wiggly worm."

"Mmhughhh."

"It's almost like fellating yourself. Your lips closing about your own insignificant cock head. Neck straining, back aching, contorting yourself to taste your smooth, swollen, dicklet. Feeling it gliding across your lips as you tease it with your tongue. The flavour of you dancing across your taste buds as your nose presses into the soft sacs of your balls and your aroma fills your nostrils."

"Yeeettthhh."

"I'm going to cum soon, little Prince. I'm going to ram this flaccid, aged, cunt down hard onto this perfect plastic cock. Ravage myself on it. Feel it smashing into my cervix and stretching my muscle lining as it invades my hidden depths. Mindless and rampant I'm going to pleasure myself to frenzied release as limpet-like you cling to my girl-cock."

"Uggggggggh."

"Impaled. Ramming. Slapping. Driving. Deep. Fuck. Deeper. Fuck, fuck, fuck. God, yes. Ohhhhh. Cumming.... Cumming..... Fuck. Yes. Yes. Yes. Mmmmmm."

"Empress."

"Sssshhhh."

"Empress. May I?"

"Sssshhhh, little Prince."

"May I tend to myself?"

"If you must."

"And may I be allowed to cum?"

"Don't care."

"On your feet?"

"You'll have to clean it up, little Prince."

"Of course, Empress. May I?"

"Don't care. Sssshhhh now. Resting." 

"I'll be quiet, Empress. Won't moan or pant. Just a little jism splash and wet tongue lap. You won't notice a thing." 

"Sssshhhh." 

"The story; didn't I do good, Empress? Haven't I earned my reward?" 

"Yes, little Prince, you've earned your reward. But do shush now, Empress is resting." 

"Thank you, Empress."

"Sssshhhh."