For three days, Zoey completely shut me out. She didn't come to the office, and she wouldn't answer my calls, texts, or e-mails. She even blocked me on Facebook, which hurt the most. But I didn't give up. I kept sending her messages telling her how sorry I was, how much I hated losing her, and how I would give anything just to see her again, and talk things over with her. I worried that I'd blown my one chance at finding love. Just like that it was gone.

My mind spun in circles. If only we'd never started this open-sex policy in the house. If only I'd never fucked any of them, or let them fuck me. If only I'd been honest with Zoey from the start. If only I'd had more self-control. If only I never moved in in the first place. If only I was a better person.

Everything in my life, it seemed, was totally falling apart. I was hardly eating or sleeping. My work and classes didn't seem important. Sex with the girls pretty much came to a halt. They tried to cheer me up by seducing me again the next day. I let them use my body - there wasn't any point in fighting it - but my heart wasn't into it, so it wasn't any fun for them. Soon they just gave up, and left me alone.

Except for Mel. She insisted on hanging out with me, even if sex was for all intents and purposes off the table. I didn't even feel like talking much. I was probably kind of an asshole to her, but I was in a lot of pain, and she could tell. She even went as far as suggesting we watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail together. Beneath everything, I really did appreciate her company. I wish I'd told her that. Mel, if you're reading this, I want you to know how much that meant to me, even if it didn't seem like it at the time. Thank you.

On the fourth day, I was in the office, staring blankly at my computer screen, and trying to ignore the suggestive emptiness of her office chair. I'd just about given up on getting anything accomplished, when I got a text message from Zoey: We need to talk. My apartment. Seven pm.

Three short sentences, eight words. I kept reading them over and over again. I wanted to shout! I wanted to cry! I wanted to laugh! I wanted to run, or jump, or do something, I don't know what! I'd always been an atheist my whole life, but I imagine what I was feeling wasn't too far from what Jesus-freaks feel when they talk about finding salvation. It was this overwhelming, insane feeling of relief and excitement. It's hard to describe. I couldn't keep it to myself. I had to tell someone. Not knowing who else I could talk to, I called Mel.

"Hello?"

"She texted." I announced.

"Bill?" Mel asked.

"Yeah, it's me. She texted. She wants to talk."

"Really? That's great Bill. But are you sure that's what you want?"

I should have known. Mel may have been kinder and more supportive than the other girls, but she was still one of them. She was just as much part of everything as anyone else (myself included).

"I can't believe you don't get it," I said. I could feel my anger building again, but I tried to keep it under control. Mel was the closest thing to an ally I had left, and I didn't want to lose that.

"No, I get it," Mel said. "You like her. Maybe you even love her. She's just like you. I mean, I can tell that just by the way you talk about her. She fits, you. I guess you never really fit with us. Not really, I mean. It was always going to be us three plus you. Never really four. But you don't have to be a plus-one anymore. This is your chance to be two."

"So why the warning?" I asked.

"It's just... what we had, it was good. I don't think other people get a chance to have things as open and fun as they were with us. I mean, this year with you has been amazing for me. I feel like I've grown so much, and been able to explore and discover things about myself that I never would have known without the way we are. And you! Last year you were a nerdy awkward virgin who was scared of women. And now, look at you. You're more sexually experienced than probably most guys I've dated. And you're more confident with women, and with yourself.

"And I know Bri and Kris... they might not show it, but they've grown, too. Bri used to bounce from relationship to relationship. She doesn't do that anymore. And Kris was always distant because she was afraid of letting anyone in. But both of them seem like they're more comfortable with who they are now - like they're worth it. It's because of you - because of us, together. But like I said, this- what we have in our house- it doesn't happen. Ever. You won't ever find anything like this again. I just hate that it's ending, because it's not something we can just replace.

"I don't know. Am I being selfish? Probably a little, right? I mean, if you leave us and this all ends, I'm going to miss it. But I guess I can't really blame you for wanting to be with someone who fits you the way you need. But I'd hate it if all this came to an end for nothing- like if two or three months later, you split up. You've never been in a real relationship, Bill, and I don't want you to rush into this one just to get your heart broken. I guess what I'm saying is you just need to really think about what you're giving up, and whether she's really worth it. Just think about it, okay? For me? For all of us?"

"Alright," I answered. "But I can tell you I've never felt a connection with anyone like I do with her - even without the sex."

"I know," Mel said. "And sometimes these things work out, and sometimes they don't. Just make sure you're certain."

"How am I supposed to do that?" I asked.

"Be honest," Mel said with a tone that indicated it should have been obvious. "Like it or not, you've been hiding a pretty big part of who you are from her, right?"

I grunted an affirmation. I'd tried to keep Zoey from ever finding out about what was going on at home, and it had backfired. But like Mel said, it was a part of me now. If things were going to be serious between us, Zoey needed to know all of me, not just the socially acceptable pieces.

"Otherwise, she's going to fall in love with some other guy who isn't you," Mel carried on. "Some imaginary version of you, and you're always going to be trying to live up to the expectations he sets."

"Where do you get all this stuff?" I asked.

"Dr. Phil," Mel answered. We both laughed.

"Okay, thank Dr. Phil for me, then," I said. "I'll let you know how it goes."

"Good luck," Mel said. "And make sure she's worth it."

"I will," I said, and hung up.

***

I was about fifteen minutes early, but I knocked anyway. I was nervous, but I couldn't bear to wait a second longer. I worried maybe she'd changed her mind about meeting, but a few seconds later, she opened the door. She had on a dark blue v-neck top and a khaki skirt that ended modestly mid-thigh. I was wearing one of my new button-down shirts and a pair of grey slacks. I'd put them on, hoping that dressing well would help my cause.

"Hi," she said quietly.

"Hi," I answered in the same tone.

There was an awkward moment between us. It felt like an uncertain chess match where each player is trying to anticipate the other's strategy and adapt to it. We stood staring at each other for what seemed like an entire minute, searching for a clue about how to proceed.

"Come in," Zoey finally invited.

"Thanks."

I stepped inside her familiar apartment, and she closed the door behind me. I sat on one side of her sofa, and she sat on the opposite end. The blanket we'd spent so much time cuddled beneath lay in a crumpled pile between us.

"I think we need to talk," Zoey started.

"That's what your message said," I observed. "I think it's probably a good idea."

"I just don't know where to begin."

"Okay, let me start," I offered. She nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the other day, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you everything. I want to. It's just... I'm afraid if I do, I'll lose you. I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you, either," Zoey agreed.

Suddenly a crack appeared in the wall of despair that had been surrounding me for the past three days. Encouraged, I continued, "I feel like I've gone through my life, and like I'm always on the outside of everything, you know? I'm kind of this weird guy, and I like weird stuff, and no one really ever got me. That is, until I met you. And you were into all the same weird stuff I was, and it was like 'Whoa! There's actually two of us in the world!' And that made me realize how lonely I'd really been all this time."

"But what about the girls you live with?" Zoey interjected. "It didn't seem like you were too lonely with them."

"Yes and no. I'll tell you everything about them because I want to get everything out in the open, so there aren't any secrets between us." In my mind, I flashed back on Jenny and Steve in Wisconsin, and how open and honest they'd been with each other. Even though they'd taken other partners, there was never any doubt about the solidity of their marriage. I continued, "But the way things are between us in that house, I never felt anything for them like I do for you. They don't understand me like you do."

"I thought I did," Zoey said. "But after the other day, I don't know."

"Yeah, you're right," I said. "Maybe you don't. Not completely, anyway. Like I said there's a lot of stuff that I've been kind of hiding because I was afraid. But I think if we're going to have a chance together, you need to know all of it. I want you to understand all of me, even if it scares the shit out of me to be so open with you."

Zoey nodded. I proceeded to tell her everything that had happened to me pretty much like I've told you here, and some things I didn't tell you. I kept expecting her to kick me out of her apartment at any moment, call me a disgusting pervert, and tell me she never wanted to see me again. But as I got started, I found everything just kept flowing. It was like vomiting; unpleasant coming up, but I knew I'd feel better once it was out of my system. And she let me talk. She didn't interrupt, or say much of anything. She simply listened as I told her everything right up to my phone conversation with Mel that afternoon.

When I was finished, we sat in silence. I could tell she was processing everything. It was half past midnight. I worried what she'd say next, but under the anxiety there was a feeling of cleanliness, lightness. I hadn't realized the weight of everything I'd been carrying until I confessed it all to her.

"I think I need a drink," Zoey said finally.

She got up from the sofa, went to her kitchen, and came back with an opened bottle of wine, and two glasses. She poured the wine, and handed a glass to me. She moved the blanket out of the way, and sat next to me, pensively staring into her own glass, swirling it around. The crack in the wall of despair was widening. There was a dim little light starting to shine through.

"What are you thinking?" I asked.

"I don't know what to do," she said, staring into her glass. "And that scares me."

"What does?"

"You do," she said, turning her eyes on me. "After everything you told me. Everything that's happened this past year. I'm afraid you're going to hurt me."

"I wouldn't," I denied. The crack began shrinking again.

"You did, already, Bill," she said solemnly. "But I'm not mad or freaked-out about what you've done. I guess, I even kind of understand it... a little. What scares me is what you will do. Now that you've had this wild sex life with all these different people, I'm worried whether I'll ever be enough for you. Not threesomes and sex parties and wife-swapping. Just me. Can you live with that?"

It was like Mel had said. Zoey put the choice right out in front of me. I thought about the girls, and I knew what we'd had was something between us people rarely get. But here was Zoey in front of me. I looked into her chestnut eyes. I saw her naked fear, and behind it, love and real connection. Not just admiration, not just a mere tolerance for each other's idiosyncrasies, but an actual bond with someone who could be my soul-mate. That was something people rarely get, too. And it was too valuable to give up.

"Yes," I answered finally. "I can live with that. All I want is you. You're worth it."

"But are you worth it?" Zoey asked. I was taken aback. "What you said about being on the outside of things. I've felt like that, too. Especially since my brother died, and I stopped going to church. Everyone thought I was some kind of freak, and I was going to hell. My own father barely even talks to me. But I knew all this time that if I didn't believe in myself, no one else would. So, yeah, I'm worth it. I'm pretty fucking awesome, to be honest. But we're kind of at a point in our relationship where I really need to make an important decision. It's one I've never had to seriously make before. Do we go forward, or do we go back?"

"What do you mean?" I asked argumentatively. I put my drink down on the end-table, and stared at Zoey. "We go forward. That's what I'm saying. I want to give up everything else, and move forward with you."

"But do you know what that means?" Zoey asked. I shook my head. "You never blamed me in your story. You never placed any of the responsibility for your fucked up life with the girls on me. I appreciate that. But I've got to share at least some of it. It's like my mother used to say, 'When you taunt temptation, the devil knocks on your door.' So, I know what we need to do to move forward. But my question is, are you worth it?"

I considered this seriously for a moment, while Zoey stared expectantly at me.

"I don't know," I answered honestly after reflecting. "But I want to be. And I'll do everything in my power to be. All I know is I can't let you slip away from me. I can't accept that. I love you. And you told me you loved me, too. If that's still true, then you can't accept it either."

"I can't," Zoey agreed solemnly. She set her glass down, reached for my hand and gave it a soft squeeze. The crack widened considerably. Bright light began to pour through it.

"So the only way left to go is forward," I concluded.

Zoey nodded. Slowly, I leaned over and gently brought my face to hers. We kissed, allowing ourselves to give in to the sensation of each other's lips, mouth, tongue. The dark wall of despair that had been surrounding me for the past few days finally crumbled. I ran my hands through her hair, and down her back, then slowly, up her sides, to her breasts.

I gave them a little squeeze, feeling the material of her bra through her top.

"Lift your arms," I said.

Zoey raised her arms. I grabbed her top and pulled it up and over her head. Her bra was soft cotton, white with little blue flowers printed on it. We continued kissing. My hands roamed over her breasts, caressing them. I could feel her nipples stiffen through the fabric beneath my circling thumbs. After a moment, my hands moved around to the middle of her back. I located the bra clasp, and easily undid it. I attempted to slide the straps from Zoey's shoulders, but she crossed her arms protectively over her chest.

"I'm shy," she said. I'd only seen her briefly topless a handful of times.

"Don't be," I whispered. "You look beautiful."

I wasn't lying. Zoey wasn't skinny like Kris, or fit like Mel. But she wasn't obese, either. She had a body that most people would call 'curvy' or 'full-figured.' But it definitely suited her face. And it suited me, too. I loved the way it felt when she snuggled up next to me, or I held her in my arms. And I loved it just as much now. Slowly, I pulled her arms down to her sides. Then I pulled the bra free from her chest. Her breasts were big, brown, and beautiful. Each had a big pink-brown nipple standing at its apex. I lifted one breast, gently kissing around the areola, before taking it into my mouth, and letting my tongue flicker over her sensitive nipple. She gasped.

"Does that feel okay?" I asked her.

"Mhm." She nodded timidly.

I switched my attention to the other breast, savouring the soft fleshy feeling of her skin against my cheek. Then I kissed down into the valley between them, followed a trail up her throat, crested over the summit of her chin, and reached her lips again. As we continued kissing, I felt her hands at my shirt front, working down the buttons, popping each open one at a time. When she reached the last, I shrugged it off my shoulders, and then pressed my chest against hers, holding her close. I was aware of a stiffening in my groin, and wondered if she could detect it, too.

"I love the way your skin feels on mine," Zoey breathed in my ear.

"Come on," I said, standing up. I took her hand and led her back to the bedroom.

Her bed was neatly made, with a comforter featuring Star Wars imagery. I had her lie down, then climbed over her. We continued to make out. As we rolled around on the bed, I was becoming more and more aroused. I grabbed her hand and guided it to the front of my pants. I wanted her to feel it.

"Do you see what you're doing to me?"

This was as far as we'd ever gone before. Usually at this point, she'd stop before things went any further. I half-expected that she'd renege on her decision to go forward, and bring everything to a halt again this time. But instead of taking her hand away, she left it there, feeling the length of my erection beneath my slacks.

"I did that?" she asked.

"Yeah," I answered. "You've got me turned on."

"I..." she trailed off.

I knew she was at a major threshold. As much as I wanted it, I wasn't going to push her over. She'd have to cross it on her own.

"I want to see it," she finally whispered.

"Okay," I said.

I unbuttoned my slacks and let them drop to the floor. The outline of my cock was even more prominent through my underwear. Zoey's eyes were glued to it.

"I've never seen one before," Zoey said. "I mean, not in real life."

I felt pride at being her first, but also a deep sense of responsibility. I wanted to take care of her, making sure her first time was a good one. I'd been with a lot of women in the past year. They'd all been different, but all of them had been far more experienced than me. Now I was the experienced one, initiating Zoe. The student had become the teacher as they always said in those old Kung Fu movies. I wasn't going to be business-like as Kris had been our first time, or selfish and forceful like Bri. Instead, I'd be tender and patient the way Mel had been with me.

Zoey reached out to touch my cock again. It twitched under her fingers, and she pulled them away, surprised. "Oh!" she said, and then giggled.

"Yeah, it does that sometimes." I said, smiling back at her.

Tentatively, she reached out again. This time, she took her time to really explore it through the fabric. Then when she was ready, she grabbed the elastic waistband of my underwear and pulled. My cock sprung out into the open.

"Hmm," Zoey said admiringly.

She experimentally pressed it down, and then watched it pop back up. Then she ran her fingers along the shaft, up over the head, and down the underside to my balls. She wrapped her fingers around it, and squeezed it in her fist.

"Does that hurt?" she asked.

"No, it feels good," I said.

She began to stroke it. Not too hard, but at a steady pace. I could feel myself getting even harder in her hand. She looked up at me with a kind of mischievous smile, and then lowered her lips to the tip. They parted very slightly, and her tongue dabbed gingerly at the head. Then she opened her mouth a little wider. This time she took my head right into her mouth. Suddenly, she clamped down and sucked hard on it.

"Ow ! Ow! Ow!" I cried out.

She immediately let up. "I'm sorry," she said. "I did it wrong, didn't I?"

"Yeah," I said. "It's okay. Just not so hard. And try not to use your teeth so much."

"Is this better?" she asked. She took my cock back into her mouth, and lightly sucked it.

"Yeah."

I knew I couldn't expect her to be perfect at giving head the first time, but I didn't want to discourage her by giving her a lot of directions, either. So after a minute, I guided her back up on to the bed. I once again climbed over her, and kissed her. This time she could feel my hard cock pressing against her belly without the obstruction of clothing. I began to kiss my way down her body, detouring to each nipple, and over the curve of her stomach, until I reached the waist of her skirt.

"I'm going to try something, okay?" I said. "Let me know how it feels."

I dropped to the floor between her knees. First I kissed the left knee, then the right.

"How's that?" I asked.

"Fine," she said, giggling.

I worked my way a little further up the inside of her thighs.

"And that?" I asked.

"Good," she responded.

I kept going, periodically checking in with her. As I reached the bottom of her skirt, I could hear her breathing getting quicker. I pushed up the hem, kissing even further up her thigh. Soon, I'd pushed her skirt up to the bottom of her panties; bikini briefs in white cotton with little blue flowers, just like her bra.

I told her to raise her skirt up even higher. She pulled it so the hem was up to her hips. I followed her thigh up to the where it disappeared beneath the fabric of her underwear. Then I let my lips brush over the front of them and down to the center. I could feel it already damp in the middle with her juices, and radiating a delicious warmth. I gave that spot a kiss, making Zoey moan quietly.

"How was that?" I asked.

"Nice," she said.

I hooked my fingers into the hips of her panties, and pulled them down her legs to the floor. Underneath I found the treasure of a trimmed patch of silky black hair over her pussy. I let my fingers brush through it. She sucked her breath nervously through her teeth. I was totally in tune with every little breath, gasp, and moan, as my fingers traced delicately over the curves and creases of her pussy.

"Mmm," I moaned, deeply inhaling her scent. "You have no idea how fucking sexy you are."

My fingers gently parted her lips, and I slipped my tongue between them, licking her slowly from bottom to top.

"Oh my god!" she cried.

"Is it okay?"

"It was amazing," she said. "Do it again!"

I did. And for the next ten minutes or so, I went down on Zoey, licking her pussy sensuously, and tonguing her clit. I let my finger probe inside her, feeling for her sensitive g-sport. I was gentle at first, just teasing her pussy. Then when it seemed like she could handle more, I upped the intensity. Zoey's moans and cries got louder. I sensed that she was getting close. In my own excitement, I had to remind myself not to push her too hard too fast.

And then she came. Her thighs squeezed tight around my arm, trapping my fingers inside her. Her whole body shook from the feeling of her climax. After a minute the shocks subsided. Her body relaxed, and I could withdraw my hand.

"Holy shit," Zoey said, looking over her big tits at me. "How did you do that?"

"Magic," I said, giving her a playful wink.

"It's never been like that with my vibrator."

I climbed back up on her bed, and lay beside her. She kissed me on the lips.

"I can taste myself," she observed

"Sorry," I apologized.

"It's okay," she said. "I don't mind... It's kind of sexy, actually."

We continued kissing. Zoey reached down between us and grabbed hold of my cock again. As she stroked it, it resumed its full tumescence. She started rubbing the head against her stomach, and thighs. Then she manoeuvred her body, so it prodded into the hot wet spot between her legs. My cock responded with an excited twitch.

"I want to feel it," she said, determinedly.

"Really?" I asked.

"Uh huh," she said. "I want to know what it feels like to have you inside me."

"We don't have to, if you're not sure," I said. "I mean, I know it's a big deal for you."

"It's alright, Bill. I want this," Zoey replied, looking directly into my eyes. "I want you."

I repositioned myself over top of her. I let her feel just the tip of my cock gliding across her wet slit. Then, using my hand, I pressed it down between her lips, dipping my head into her moist warmth, and finding her opening.

"Ready?" I asked.

"Yes."

I pushed gently into her. She gasped loudly.

"Okay?"

"Yeah, Bill. Keep going."

I pushed a little further into her. She gasped again. I pulled out slightly, letting her juices lubricate my cock, then pushed it further still. Eventually I was up to my full length inside Zoey. Her pussy was the tightest I'd ever had. It felt amazing around my cock, and even more than that, it felt amazing to be so intimately connected to the girl I loved. I looked down into her face, her eyes staring back up at me with love. I was blown away by how much she trusted me to take care of her in this moment.

"How does it feel?" I asked. "Does it hurt?"

"A little," Zoey admitted. "But it's not a bad hurt. Mostly it feels really good."

"Just try to relax and enjoy it," I said.

I began to very slowly and gently stroke in and out of Zoey's beautiful pussy. She moaned beneath me. I dipped my head forward and kissed her as I began to pick speed. As I did, she spread her legs wider, so I could go even deeper inside her.

"You feel so good," I told her. "You have an amazing pussy. I love being so fucking deep inside you. How does that feel? Huh?"

"It feels good, Bill," she responded, breathing heavily. "Really fucking good."

My pace quickened further as Zoey and I traded encouragements. I could feel her pelvis instinctively rising up to meet mine as I thrust into her harder. With one hand I reached down and began to stimulate her clit. Zoey squealed with delight at the new sensation.

"Mmm, I love it, Bill. Keep going. That feels so good."

Our fucking intensified. I could feel her hands squeezing my shoulders. My fingers on her clit were making fast tiny circles. First clockwise, then counter clockwise. All the while, I watched her. I loved seeing the excitement building up in her beautiful Hispanic face.

"I'm getting close," I told her a few minutes later. "I'm going to cum soon."

"No Bill, don't stop," she cried. "I'm close too. Really close. Please keep doing what you're doing. Please! Ah!"

Her orgasm pushed me over the edge. As her body shuddered and shivered all around me, my cock pulsed and throbbed deep inside of her. I shot stream after stream of cum into her pussy. It was a full minute before my climax was over. I looked down at her again, simply loving everything about her.

"You're glowing," I said. "Your face is so beautiful."

"You too," she said.

I rolled over onto the bed beside her.

"I can't believe I was your first time. I feel so honoured," I said. "Seriously. I love you."

"I love you, too, Bill."

We kissed again, and I could feel the love in it. After a few minutes we fell asleep in each other's arms.

***

Epilogue:

That night was our first time having sex, but after that we fucked like rabbits. Zoey had an amazing sexual appetite, and was eager to learn new things. I was certainly willing to teach her what I knew. Her blowjob technique definitely improved. Practice makes perfect, as they say.

I spent most nights with her at her apartment. My room at the girls' house became just a place to store my stuff. The climate at the house had soured against me. Mel was still supportive though disappointed that I'd chosen Zoey over the girls. Kris had become distant again, and Bri was openly hostile towards me and Zoey whenever she saw us. It made me sad that what we'd had between us had melted away so easily, but maybe it was all for the best. I'd chosen Zoey, because she was worth it, and I wanted to be worthy of her love, too.

Both our leases were running out at the end of May. We decided that since we were basically living together anyway, it made sense to move in together. But since her apartment was small, and I didn't want to get rid of all my stuff, we were going to need a bigger place. I started checking the ads in the paper and online. Eventually we found something reasonably priced that would accommodate our needs, and wasn't too far from campus, either. And so we lived happily ever after, as they say.

But there was another ad on Craigslist that caught my eye. I couldn't help but smile a little as I read it:

$650/month, plus 1/4 utilities. Room for rent in four bedroom, two bath home shared by three female students. Applicants must be clean, chill, and responsible. First and last month in advance, plus security deposit. Call to see the house and interview. Male preferred, but all applicants considered.