I walk out on the porch to enjoy the star-lit evening with my wife. I am not prepared for what greets me.

To say my wife has angry eyes at this moment is the understatement of the year.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, surprised by her expression.

“Just go away!” she yells.

“What the hell, Kira? What has happened? I just gave you a great massage and now I come out and you look like you hate me?”

“I saw you,” you spit.

“Saw me? What does that mean?” I ask trying to comprehend what has happened to drastically change her mood.

“In the bathroom, just minutes ago.”

Oh, fuck. I thought I saw something in the window right before I came – it was my wife.

“You just have to make me feel bad, don’t you?” she yells, glaring at me, with hurt creeping into her face.

“I am not making you feel anything! I thought that was a private moment between me and myself. So, now I am not supposed to masturbate either. My wife won’t make love with me so I literally take matters into my own hands, and now you are pissed about that. I have really tried to give you whatever it is you need on this trip, and I can’t win!” I say storming back into the treehouse, slamming the door behind me.

What the fuck? I can’t do this. I stalk into the bedroom and yank a pillow and blanket from the bed and return to the living room to settle in on the couch where I guess I will sleep. I have tried to be patient and understanding, but I have needs too. Fuck it!

I toss and turn and eventually drift off, but I awaken in the darkness to sounds of sobbing. I roll over and Kira is sitting on the floor, with her head on the couch sobbing. She appears so fragile and broken at this moment, all my anger melts away. I reach down and pull my wife into my lap, hugging her.

“Shhhhh. It’s okay, baby. It’s okay,” I whisper in her ear.

“No, it’s not. I hate myself. I am so sorry,” she whimpers amidst tears.

“Just talk to me. Please talk to me. Whatever is wrong, you have to talk to me. Even if you tell me you just don’t love me anymore, just tell me, please,” I beg, lifting her face to look me in the eyes.

“Don’t love you? Of course, I love you,” she says before collapsing on my shoulder crying.

I stroke her hair and hold her, not knowing what else to do.

Her crying slows and she lifts her head to face me again.

“Please tell me,” I beg again.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel so tired all the time. I feel like I can’t take care of everything. I feel unable to move sometimes with the weight on me. And the thought of sex – it feels like just one more chore I have to get done.”

Ouch! I’m trying to keep my sensitive male ego intact but it is hard.

“A chore? I thought you enjoyed sex with me?”

“I do … did. I used to love making love for hours with you – couldn’t wait for it. Now, I just think about all the things I am behind on and should be doing and can’t relax and get into it at all. I feel like I would need to rush through it once we started. I can’t clear my head of the kids, work, the house.”

“You don’t even want to kiss me anymore though? You stopped sleeping naked,” I ask.

“I would love kissing you, but kissing leads to sex, and I just can’t get into it. I want to hold you, kiss you, snuggle with you, but then the thought of sex enters my mind. I can’t explain why sex feels so exhausting to me now. I just can’t. And you stopped kissing me too.”

“I stopped kissing you because it leads to you rejecting me and pushing me away. It hurts, Kira. I can’t take subjecting myself to constant rejection and am actually afraid to touch you now. I feel like I am walking on eggshells, and can’t touch my own wife.”

“You started getting really mad when I didn’t feel like having sex.”

"You started getting really mad when I asked for sex."

We both look at each other desperately trying to understand.

“You didn’t explain anything to me, Kira. And I became afraid – afraid we would stop making love altogether. I am not going anywhere, though. I won’t leave you because of the lack of sex.” I take hold over her face and repeat, “I will never leave you.”

“I have been afraid you would leave or cheat. I feel so guilty and mad at myself, denying you. It makes me withdraw more from you, seeing how I am hurting you.”

“It is okay, Kira. I can take care of my own sexual needs.” I don't want to, but will if that is all I have.

She lays her head back on my chest, tears falling again.

“What are we going to do?” she asks sobbing.

“We know this place we are in isn’t working – for either of us,” I say quietly.

I hold her on my lap for what seems like hours. We are both afraid to let go - afraid we won't get this moment back. While rocking her, massaging her back, she finally quiets. My mind has been spinning, searching the depths of my soul for a solution. I think I have some ideas.

“We will figure this out. If I love you and you love me, we can fix this. We have to have some kind of physical connection, Kira. We have to. For now, what if I promise that a kiss is just a kiss, a touch is just a touch, with no pressures of sex? Can we just try?”

Nodding her head, she says, “I would like that, Shawn. I am trying on my own to help myself too. I have been reading about mindfulness … being present in the moment. If I could learn to do that and not be worrying all the time, I think I could be okay again. My mind is just constantly racing now. I can’t settle it and relax. All these changes in my life - kids, job, house - I don't know how to cope with it all.”

“It sounds like you have more thoughts in your head before breakfast than I have all day,” I say chuckling, trying desperately to lighten the mood.

She giggles. “I just feel so overwhelmed. I will try techniques to quiet my stresses. I will. I need to find a way to enjoy each moment again without interrupting thoughts.”

“That sounds good, Kira. I will help you. Now, will you come to bed with me? Sleep naked with me, baby. I promise, no sex. I just need some intimacy with you, baby … need skin-to-skin contact with my beautiful wife.”

She nods her head and I lift her off my lap and carry her into the bedroom. I set her down by the bed, and softly kiss her tear-streaked face. Reaching down, I slowly lift her t-shirt over her head, revealing her breathtaking body. I haven't seen her completely naked in so long, I forgot how truly breathtaking her body is to my eyes. My fingers take hold of the waistband of her panties and I kneel sliding them down her legs and off her feet. We cling to each other tightly, feeling a new closeness with our self-disclosures.

Sliding the covers back, we slip into bed, with me pulling her naked body up against mine. She feels so good. This feels so good. I kiss her warm cheeks and her soft lips and whisper reassurances to her. She rolls over and I pull her tightly to my body, spooning. I wrap my arm around her arms and she nestles even closer to me. We drift off into a much-needed peaceful sleep, hopeful about tomorrow.

I awaken with a morning missile pushing into her ass crack. Remembering my promises, I pull away and decide to take a cold shower outside.

The air is fresh. The sun is shining brightly. I want to try out the outdoor shower. I turn the water to cool and it feels refreshing. Looking up, I see the trees overhead, birds flying, clouds parting for the sun. My mood is light and relaxed, hopefully resembling the clouds in making way for some sunshine. I am soaping my body and turn around to see my wife, naked, staring at me through the window. She is smiling.

I walk towards the window and put my hand against the pane. She does the same and her small hand covers mine. “Come here,” I mouth. “I will wash your hair for you.”

She smiles and disappears from my sight only to reappear in my shower. I turn the water to warm as she wraps her arms around my waist and we share the water spray. Lifting her face, I kiss her pretty mouth. Just little kisses, no tongue. I kiss her with the same little nibbles I gave her when we first started dating. Mouths closed, just gentle, soft kisses. With her hair dampening in the water, I reach for the shampoo. After squirting some in my hands, I wash my wife’s long hair for her. She stays nestled against me while I massage the shampoo into her scalp with my fingertips, then I maneuver her back into the water stream for a rinse.

“Just listen to the trees bristling, Kira. And the birds chirping. Hear that? Focus on these sounds for me while I wash you. Clear your mind of everything else and just focus on what you hear, smell, and feel. Nothing else matters at this moment in time.”

It is a very primal feeling, showering outside, joined by nature. Of course, I want to take her right now. But, I don’t.

She closes her eyes while I pick up some soap and start sudsing her lovely body. I start at her shoulders and wash her back and turn her back around to wash her voluptuous breasts. I don’t linger there, but am pleased to see her little pink buds harden. I resist paying them too much attention – baby steps.

My soapy hands move down to her soft, rounded tummy and curvy hips. I admire her body, fuller now than before, since giving birth to our children. Then, I settle my hands between her legs. Her eyes flutter open and she bites her lower lip, looking at me with uncertainty. I gently wash between her legs, avoiding her sensitive clit. I don’t think she is ready.

I bend down and soap up her gorgeous lean legs, my face inches from her delicious pussy. It would be so easy to pull her to my face and ravage her clit with my tongue. Instead, I turn her around and bend her slightly forward to wash her amazing ass. I can’t resist this time and swat it making her jump. To my relief, she smiles at me over her shoulder. I pull my beautiful wife back into the warm water to rinse her off. Reluctantly, I shut the water off.

Grabbing a towel, I dry her from head to toe, carefully soaking up each water droplet with the towel. She keeps a hand on my body as I dry her, seemingly relishing in our intimate connection. Surprisingly, she picks up a towel and starts drying me as well. She lowers her face to watch herself dry off my cock. It is rock hard. I can’t help it. She pauses, not knowing what to do, so I pull her hand away from me. Damn.

This is a good start though.