Elena

I spent most of the next day simply crying, my heart felt like it had been ripped out and dropped right into an emotional blender. Part of me was angry: Angry at myself for letting Tamara in so deep; angry at Tamara for seemingly teasing me, and angry at the entire universe for tearing her out of my life. At the same time, I picked up my phone about a dozen or so times, wanting to call her or send a text, even if it was a simple apology. What bothered me more than anything else was that I had lost someone I had felt genuinely close to, and fond of, even if attraction was out of the question.

I needed to distract myself, so my first thought was work, which had worked pretty well in the past when I had a really bad breakup. I stopped myself for a second, wondering if that was the right word, we had never been a couple, never dated, and certainly never been intimate. No, it was not a breakup, not in the conventional sense at least. Maybe it was more like a fight, like we simply were not talking to each other, but that left open the possibility of eventually reconnecting.

As I walked into the Bessmer building, I noticed the expression on some familiar faces, like they could read the anguish like a brightly lit neon sign. Maybe this was yet another huge mistake, I seemed to be making a habit of them lately. I pushed back my doubts and stepped into the elevator and punched the pearl-colored button for the sixteenth floor. I had always liked the old-fashioned appearance of the building, and of the elevator in particular. As the ornate door creaked open, I realized that I hadn’t thought about Tamara for about thirty minutes, which encouraged me a bit. Just as I was about to congratulate myself on taking a step forward, I felt the pain again, and forced the tears back. Damned feelings!

My phone chimed as I closed my office door, and my heart jumped, hoping it might be at least some minor communication from Tamara, just to ease the feeling that she was completely gone from my life. I silently cursed when I saw Lena’s name, the last thing I needed was her bullshit or annoying comments. Ignoring her completely, I sat the phone down and started working on my computer, updating some claims based on new information that the customer had provided to me.

As the message notification sound chimed again, I groaned with annoyance, ready to tear into her for just poking at me. My face went white when I saw Tamara’s name, and I felt myself tremble, both from fear and expectation. I hesitated for a moment and then clicked on the message. ‘Hey, are you ok? Feel bad about how things ended up.’ the text read.

I felt myself paralyzed, torn between simply lying and saying I was fine or at least saying enough that I wasn’t without making her feel worse than she obviously did. What the hell was I supposed to say?

Just as I was about to put in some lame response, the phone chimed again, this time it was Lena again. ’Hey, fucking answer me!’ it read in bold.

I growled. ‘WHAT?’ I typed, knowing she had a thick skin and was virtually impervious to being offended. Plus, I really didn’t care if I pissed her off, she was annoying as hell!

As I was about to respond, my phone rang, and Lena’s picture and name popped up. Shit, there was no way to pretend I wasn’t available, she could tell I read her message, so I answered. “Ummm, hi?” I said, trying not to sound annoyed.

I heard Lena grunt. “Well, there you are, I thought you were dead or something!” she exclaimed.

Well, part of me feels dead for sure, I thought. Clearing my throat, I said, “Well, maybe a little hungover, but nothing a cup of coffee or five won’t cure.” I tried to laugh to cement the illusion more fully.

“Yeah, well you and straight girly were doing some pretty heavy flirting,” Lena said, laughing as if it was the most ridiculous thing in the world she had ever heard.

“You are just bound and determined to annoy the hell outta me today, aren’t you?”

Lena laughed again. “Oh and see, you aren’t denying it! Gotcha!” she said.

“Very funny,” I said, exasperated.

I heard her let out a big sigh, which I knew was her signature move when she was about to say something serious. “Hey look, I know I give you tons of shit, but I really care about you as a friend, I have known you like forever,” she said, her tone uncharacteristically soft.

“Okay,” I responded, having no idea where she was headed with her comment.

“You and I have both had horrible heartbreaks with straight girls. You’ve played it really smart for a very long time, but this is a huge fuck-up,” Lena said, almost lecturing now.

“Oh, will you just give it up! We are just friends!” I said, aware of how sharp my response was, dreading what she might say next.

“No, no, no, you are not getting off that easy, missy. I can read you like a book, so can most of our friends. You are in love with the girl you know you can never have!”

I shouldn’t have been surprised; Lena had prodded me on this a few times, and on all of those occasions she had been out of her mind and I told her so in no uncertain terms.

“No, I am not, and this game is getting old, Lena. Drop it or I’m hanging up on you!” I said, aware that I was almost shouting now. It was a good thing my office door was closed tightly.

Lena laughed again, it wasn’t the derisive way she often did, it was sheer amusement. “Look, no need to deny it. I already know. You two carry on like a couple. What’s funny about it is that she’s clearly in love with you too, she just doesn’t understand that.”

It was my turn to laugh, and I took it eagerly. “Straight girl? In love with a lesbian? You’re completely insane!” I said, giggling with a snort.

Lena snorted her disapproval in response. “Didn’t say she wanted to fuck you, said she is smitten with you, there is a difference! Ok, I said my piece, you go do whatever the hell you feel like with it!” she said, hanging up on me.

Did I know Tamara cared about me, cared a lot? Of course, that was never in doubt! Did I think she had romantic feelings for me? No, by definition that was impossible, and I discarded Lena’s words as rapidly as I did expired paperwork at my job. If she was trying to mess with my head by saying that, it wasn’t going to work!

Oh shit, I had forgotten Tamara’s text message! Pulling my messaging app back up, I found the note and clicked on reply. ‘Honestly, kinda hurting right now. Not your fault.’ I texted back, wondering if it was honest and yet not hurtful.

For several minutes, there was silence, making me think at first that she had shut down on me, but I could see her typing something, something that looked like a long message. I waited for the response, but nothing came, and then I could see her typing again. When the message came through, it simply read, ‘Well I am hurting too, but the way I handled it was just idiotic. Sorry.’

I was having trouble processing the conversation, on the one hand, Tamara shared the broken feeling I was experiencing and felt bad about it, and on the other, she was the source of the pain even if unintentionally. Exactly what was I supposed to do with that? Part of me wanted to run away and cut off all contact, but the rest of me was desperate to hold to any connection. Regretting that I had told her my feelings, I responded, ’Well it wasn’t fair of me to lay all that on you. Not something you had any need to know.’

The whole business of her typing and apparently deleting the message and starting over happened a couple of times. ‘I suspected it, just… well… maybe kinda.’ she texted with a smiley face. One thing was certain, I had consistently gotten mixed messages from Tamara, but none of it seemed conscious or on purpose, maybe there was a one-in-a-million chance that she really did have sexual feelings for me. No, probably not, so might as well just push that possibility aside permanently.

I had no idea what to say next, so I just said something like I had to go, and she replied with ok or something similar. While I felt some relief while communicating, the empty feeling still remained, like she belonged there and wasn’t. ’All good, talk soon ok?’ I said, then lay my phone down. Maybe some distance was best for a while, but that gaping hole in my life felt incredibly empty.

Tamara and I continued to sporadically text over the weeks that followed, and even had one phone conversation but it was ridiculously awkward. Lots of silence and fumbling for words. It made me really sad, because we used to have such an effortless way of interacting and now it just seemed like joyless work just to have a conversation. I missed us, if that was even the right way to say it, the hours of just talking, hanging out, having a drink or two, and the rest. I craved the interactions that we had at the ceramics studio and even just having coffee together.

I kept expecting, or rather hoping, that Tamara would ask to get together to clear the air, even if it was just something low-key like coffee or cocktails, but ended up disappointed. Part of me was pissed at her for closing herself off again, because she had come so far in opening up and making positive changes in her life. What a waste!

While still hurt over all the things that had transpired, I finally forced myself to accept that friendship was as close as we would get, though even before the blow-up, that friendship was pretty damned awesome. And that connection to her was worth holding on to and reviving, because I needed it, and on some level, Tamara needed it too.

Thanksgiving with my family was as enjoyable and awkward as usual with my disapproving parents peppering me with inappropriate questions and my twin brothers trying to set me up with some horrible friend of theirs. My brother Gregory, the younger twin by five minutes, did make a comment about the spark being gone from my eyes, which I just brushed off with some comment about how awful his haircut was that day. I tried to fight thoughts of how much I wished Tamara had been there to meet my family, though I would not have envied all of the teasing and insinuations they would have thrown at her.

Feeling that familiar ache, I excused myself and went outside, bringing my phone. When I was at a safe distance away from the house, I dialed her number, letting it ring the typical number of times before the call went to voicemail. Damnit, she was avoiding my calls now, something she knew I hated. I fought the urge to throw my phone, at least for a few seconds, but then my anger got the better of me. Just as I was about to hurl it down the street, my phone rang, and I could see it was her. Now I felt bad that I had assumed the worst.

“Hello?” I said, trying to remain aloof until I could sense what her mood was.

“Um, hey… girl,” Tamara said, a reserved tone in her voice.

I couldn’t tell if she was trying to be distant too, or just unsure of what to say, after all, it had been weeks since we had last talked and it was awkward, to say the least. After a second, I realized that I was the one that had called her, so she was probably on guard since she had no idea what I wanted. Then again, I wasn’t completely sure what I wanted either.

I took in a deep breath, trying to contain the numerous conflicting emotions that were coursing through me, painfully aware that an awkward silence was building the likes of which had screwed up our conversation last time. No way, not this time!

“Look, I miss you, like really, really miss you. I miss our talks, our joking and carrying on, and just hanging out,” I blurted out, wanting to say it before I changed my mind.

Tamara sniffed, as if she had been crying a moment before, and then let out a long sigh, like she was releasing some huge burden from her shoulders. “I miss you too, gawd, you have no fucking idea how much. There has been this…. huge hole in my life… since… well you know… and it’s been… really… hard…”

I found myself smiling in spite of myself, knowing that she had been feeling as empty as me and wanting, maybe even aching, to reconnect. “Well, let’s just start over, ok? Forget about the crazy shit that happened, and just get back to having fun together,” I said, almost giggling.

“Yeah, I would love that. I really… had no idea how much you meant to me… until… well… we weren’t talking… and being around each other,” Tamara answered. I could hear the smile in her voice.

In that moment, the black cloud hanging over us vanished, and things felt a lot like they had been before the Halloween incident, which we both clearly wanted to forget ever happened. I cleared my throat. “Well, let’s change that right now then,” I proposed.

“Oh? How exactly? I am at my parents’ house right now, probably not going to just be able to take off.”

I laughed. “No, no, silly girl. Tomorrow. I hate the whole Black Friday fiasco, never do any of that. But, I do always start decorating for Christmas, and I know how much you love that kind of stuff. Why don’t you come over and we’ll do that together?” I said, a smile in my own voice now.

I almost didn’t get a chance to finish the sentence before Tamara interrupted. “Yes! Yes, yes! Deal!” she said with an enthusiasm I hadn’t felt from her in a long time.

I avoided saying something like, ‘It’s a date’ and instead just replied, “So happy to hear that. See you at ten, unless that’s too early.”

“I’ll be there at nine, bringing coffee,” Tamara responded giggling. And all at once, my world was brighter again.

Tamara

I stumbled out of Elena’s house sobbing, my eyes filled with tears and my heart feeling like it would shatter into a million pieces. I assumed that she hadn’t followed me out, and even if she had, the last thing I wanted to do right then was talk. It took me five tries to get my key in the ignition, and when I did, I sped off, just wanting to be alone.

I burst through my front door still crying, slamming it behind me and hurling my purse across the room in frustration. Why had I even said anything? Why didn’t I just let it go when she asked, after the third or fourth time? I was furious at myself, knowing I should never have allowed the physical contact to happen, nor let it keep going either. I dropped to my knees and screamed in frustration, making the window glass rattle from the force of the sound.

I felt alone for the first time in a long time. Not alone like just being by myself, but alone, alone, isolated, disconnected, friendless and utterly cut off from anything and everyone. Everything I had recently accomplished in my life, at work and even personally, now seemed to go sour, making me feel acutely numb.

My feelings over the next few hours ranged from desperate grief to fierce anger, and never stayed the same for more than a few minutes. My appetite was shit, I had no desire to eat and suspected I wouldn’t be able to keep it down anyway. Around two o’clock, I decided I should try something in my system, but promptly vomited the sandwich up within fifteen minutes. Two hours later, I braved some saltines and managed to keep them down.

When night finally came around, all I wanted to do was sleep, so I took a pill that I knew would keep me out for the count the whole night. I was willing to deal with the hangover effect the next day if I could get some peace for several hours. My dreams were bizarre and fragmented, when I awoke the next morning, the memories of them had faded but the dark and frightening feeling accompanying them had not.

I called in sick to work, something I almost never had done, which rattled my coworkers and direct reports enough to ask if I was all right. I gave a truthful, noncommittal answer, even by text, which seemed to satisfy them, and soon no one was bothering me. I was still in my Halloween costume, which I pulled off of me, shredded with scissors, and threw into the trash. I had adored the outfit but it just made me feel awful now.

My phone had bounced out of my purse when I threw it, I found it while walking to the kitchen, and picked it up. I pulled up Elena’s number and it displayed a picture of her with a broad smile that right now just annoyed me. I turned off the phone and groaned, collapsing on the couch that I had once exiled my now-ex-husband to. I had hoped the night’s rest would have made me feel less terrible, but it truthfully hadn’t helped much.

I started to reach for my phone again, then pulled back. I was probably the last person Elena wanted to hear from now, I had pretty much stomped all over her heart. I went to set it down, hesitated, sat it down, picked it up again, and finally started typing. Worst case scenario, she would ignore my next, not answer, and delete it. I struggled for sincere words that would do justice to the offense and ended up relying on a trite apology.

My message ended up saying something generic, namely, ’Hope you are ok, I feel just terrible about how things happened.’ maybe it was lame, but it was something.

I found myself incredibly anxious, to the point that I got up and started pacing back and forth. On nearly every occasion we messaged each other, Elena would respond almost immediately. It was a far cry from the girl-waiting-for-a-guy-to-call situation I had been in when I was younger. Usually, I can see dots telling me that she is answering, but this time, there were none. Just silence, no response, nothing at all.

My heart sank. Apparently, things between us were worse than I thought, probably irreparable now. My eyes started tearing up, I managed to fight them back, and just let my phone hit the floor. Fuck. Well, that was it, the final slamming of the door in my face, making the aching inside even worse, and I was powerless to push it away. Just as I was about to completely lose my ever-loving mind, my phone sounded, making me feel both anxious and relieved at the same time.

The message was heartfelt but short. It read, ’TBH, hurting right now, but it’s not your fault at all.’

To quote Elena herself, I thought, Bullshit. It was too my fault, my fault for letting things get to the point that they did, my fault for saying anything at all, and my fault for falling apart and turning her world into a huge mess. I had already responded badly to her before, the last thing I wanted to do was repeat the same stupid mistake. What was I supposed to say? Rightly claim it was my fault? Apologize again? Say nothing?

I started typing an apology, saying I had messed up, to blame me for all of it, and then stopped and deleted the whole text. I began another one suggesting we sit down and talk, but then thought that might just annoy her even more. Erasing that one, I ended up just typing, ’Yeah, very hurt here too, hate how I handled things, so, so sorry.’

This time, I didn’t have to wait very long for an answer, the message popped up shortly after. ’It was selfish to dump all of that onto you, wasn’t anything you needed to know about.’ the words said, with a broken heart icon after it.

I sighed, the part when I had told Elena I saw how she looked at me was true, but I had ignored it just thinking it was a by-product of our genuine affection for one another. That was something I couldn’t take back, but I wanted to dull the effect of saying it, so I answered, ’I suspected, maybe kinda sorta…’

This time there was a pause, which made my stomach tighten, fearing some immediate reprisal or banishment from her life. Fortunately, the message was neutral enough, and it read, ’It’s all good, nothing to worry about ok? Talk soon.’

While polite, that message told me she wanted to be left alone, not like never-talk-to-me-again, but more like asking me to wait for her to reach out instead of intruding on her in her time of pain. I both understood and resented it, and I resolved to respect her wishes, even at the expense of my own feelings. That’s what friends do, right? Put the other person before themselves.

Lots of silence and anguish filled my life in the weeks that followed. Periodically, I would get texts from Elena, but never once did she ask to see me or even talk with me over the phone. That did change one day when she called me one evening out of the blue, but it was not really a conversation, just the exchange of sterile niceties, and a generous amount of silence peppered with “ums” and “mm hmms.” I hated how it sounded and how it felt and it just drove me deeper into a depression I worried would consume all of me. Eventually, there was just more silence, and I thought I would never hear from her ever again.

That changed at about three in the afternoon on Thanksgiving day as I was doing the dishes after our less than stellar dinner. My father managed to bestow a few compliments on how I had taken hold of my own life, but not without a tray of criticisms that would have overflowed the platter the turkey had been on. My mother was running a plate of food over to one of our elderly neighbors, and my father was on the couch as we did the ’women’s work'.

When my phone rang, I couldn't imagine who would be calling me on a holiday, unless it was some horrific work emergency of some kind. I grabbed it and walked out the back door between several molting elm trees, not even bothering to see who was calling. I almost answered it and then panicked, wondering if she was going to deliver a final farewell and never speak to me again. While I wrestled with what to do, the ringing stopped. Shit, I had waited too long, and now I worried that I blew it.

My fingers jumped into action and I clicked on the missed call immediately, freezing up for a second when she answered the phone. I defaulted to our usual greeting, saying, “Hey girl,” in a rather flat tone. The second or two of silence seemed to just confirm my suspicions that she was about to cut off all contact, and I felt my stomach churning, which was bad considering how much I had eaten.

Then she said three words that I never expected, not the phrase of affection between couples, but in that moment, something far more meaningful. “I miss you,” she said, her voice full of emotion as she added, “I mean I really miss you, like in the worst way possible. I miss talking and laughing and just having fun together.”

I was dumbfounded for a moment, my eyes filled with tears and I tried with all my might not to just start crying out loud hearing that. I took in a breath, and in a hideous sniffly voice said, “Oh my fucking gawd, Elena, you have no earthly clue how much I missed you, how big a hole I had in my life… after, you know…”

Hearing that must have thrilled her, because her voice brightened instantly. “Well, let’s just forget all that crap, leave it behind and, well, just start over. Have fun together like we did before,” she said almost too cheerily.

I giggled, one of the first times sincerely since everything had fallen apart. “I’d like that,” I said, adding, “In fact, I need that, it really shows me how much you mean to me, when you were… well… not there, not being around..”

Elena giggled in response. “Well, why don’t we change that right now?” she said.

I rolled my eyes knowing the judgmental comments I would have to endure if I told my father that I was leaving right after Thanksgiving dinner. No, that would create all sorts of problems for me, despite feeling so eager to reconcile with Elena.

“Well, I would love to, but I’m at my folks' and pretty sure I would catch hell if I just left,” I said, trying not to sound like I was disinterested.

“No no, silly one. Tomorrow. My house. I hate Black Friday but I do start decorating for Christmas,” Elena said, laughing heartily.

“Oh really? “ I responded, my ears perking up.

“Yes, really. Now be over here at ten and we can get started,” she answered.

“Nope, I’ll be there at nine with two fistfuls of coffee in my hands, hun,” I said, feeling a shiver pass through me.

“See you then, girl!” she shot back.

Well, it looked like things were about to get better!

Elena

I got up at seven, earlier than I usually do on a holiday, full of anticipation about Tamara’s coming over, since it was our first face-to-face encounter since Halloween. Sensitive to the trappings of the party, I dressed in jeans and a zip-up top that I made sure looked discreet. I wanted her comfortable, not fearing a repeat of what drove us apart in the first place.

Probably due to our estrangement, she didn’t let herself in as she had done so many times, but rang the bell. I pulled the door open, seeing her broad smile, smiling back and then feeling her wrap her arms around me and pulled me into a big bear hug that caught me off guard. This was where things had gotten strange last time, but for a moment, I drank in the sensations of her body on mine, her kiss on my cheek, and the smell of her perfume.

Once Tamara pulled back, I was intrigued by the expression on her face, which was virtually glowing, not with desire but with sheer adoration, if not love. Love that I knew was friendship but love just the same. “Thanks for this, I have missed you fiercely!” she said, shedding her coat and stepping inside.

Her outfit was equally practical and conservative, faded blue jeans and a black top that showed skin but not her cleavage, tied up on a clasp on her shoulder. There was nothing overtly sexy about the way she was dressed, but I felt the pull towards her again, pushing it from my head.

Within minutes, we were laughing and joking like nothing had ever happened, hanging bows and decorations almost as if it was our own house and not just mine, downing the coffee that she had brought, forcing me to make more. It took several hours to finish up the interior, and then we moved on to the outside, which took about an hour more.

Tamara was teasing me about hanging some of the lights crooked when we came back in, and I wanted to slap her on the ass as I had done before, but chose not to. As she headed to the kitchen to refill her coffee, she looked up above the arch that led from the main room. “Mistletoe, huh?” she said with a giggle.

I winced, hoping it didn’t seem like I was trying to get her in a compromising situation, “No, no no, girl, I had that up days ago,” I said in a tone of warning.

Tamara burst into laughter. “Oh suuuure, are you telling me you don’t use it to get a lip lock on some poor unsuspecting straight girl?” she said with a wink.

I tried to think of something clever to deflect the comment even though I found it entertaining. “Nope, not me, that’s Lena’s trick, and I don’t try to trick anybody,” I said, meaning it.

“Oh, I know that, I was just giving you shit that’s all,” she said, almost howling with laughter.

“Fine, fine, smartass. Never resorted to cheap entrapment. Everything above board, consensual, and the whole lot. Besides, it's just a kiss, that’s all,” I said.

Tamara looked up at it. “Yeah, that seems pretty harmless,” she muttered, then looked down at me. “Even for a straight girl.”

I felt alarm bells in my head, this was the spot where things went off the rails last time, not exactly but close enough.

“Ok, just one kiss then. No more and certainly nothing else,” Tamara said, standing under the sprig.

My mouth dropped open. “No, no, this is how things got fucked up last time, hun.”

“I was buzzed and got caught up in the moment. Right now, I am stone-cold sober and the only buzz I have is from coffee.”

Fuck, was she serious? “No, I don’t…” I began.

“Want to kiss me?” Tamara said.

Bravo, she had managed to back me into a corner. If I said yes, I ran the risk of just chasing her off all over again, and if I said no, I would be a liar and she would call me on it, guaranteed. “I… didn’t say that… I… I…. just…”

Tamara stuck her tongue out. “Something to cross off my bucket list. And, hmmm, maybe an early Christmas present. Just one kiss, that’s all and a nice sweet one at that, nothing more.”

I was in a position where I felt I couldn’t say no, but fearful of losing my best friend once and for all. I reluctantly moved closer, shaking my head. “Just one.”

“Just one,” Tamara echoed.

She looked as gorgeous and sexy as ever, hair and makeup perfect, realizing in that moment that she had made herself up for me. I brought my face close to hers, looking into her eyes, watching her lip quiver. “Just… one… kiss…” I said, slipping my hand behind her neck and pulling her lips to mine.

I felt an enormous rush as I gave my straight best friend the first lesbian kiss of her life, which she immediately gave in to, no resistance, no hesitation, she was all-in. I gently massaged my lips with hers, keeping my mouth closed, careful not to trespass, sticking to the terms of the agreement.

Her lips moved against mine, and they tasted more amazing than I had imagined. Tamara was kissing me back, not a friendly kiss or peck but, without a doubt, a lover’s kiss. My desire for her surged, but I still managed to control myself and broke the soft kiss after a few moments.

Tamara gasped. “Oh… gawd…” as I pulled back, but made no motion to pull away herself, keeping our lips hovering almost against each other. Her eyes were locked with mine and filled with desire, desire that I never expected to see.

It felt like we were being pulled into one another, but we both kept our distance, albeit a tiny distance. “You… ok? Just… one…” I gasped, but aching to show her just how mind-blowing kissing another woman could be.

“Just… one… more… please,” she said, as if pleading me to throw caution to the wind.

I covered her lips with mine, this kiss more insistent and passionate but still as sweet, and I heard her moan as she returned the kiss with equal desire. We had crossed a line now, we were making out, and neither of us had any desire to stop. “Lips… making… love,” she gasped between wet kisses.

Unexpectedly, I felt Tamara part her lips and offer me her tongue, meeting it with mine in a gentle erotic dance that revealed the depth of her desire. Straight or not, she was giving herself to me, and unless she stopped and ran off, I was going to bring her to my bed and make love to her with a passion I was certain she never knew existed. Her body pressed into mine, much like it had during our dance; in fact, it felt like a continuation, or what should have happened, what we both needed to happen.

I desperately wanted to touch her, needed to touch her, but remembered her reaction last time, and this was something new to her. This was a sapphic sexual dance now, and I was leading and guiding Tamara, and I knew I needed to be slow and gentle. I knew she loved kissing, and, gawd, she could kiss, her lips tasted warm and sweet and I was all too happy to indulge in that as long as she wanted.

Tamara began squirming as our kissing continued, this was much further than things had gone before, and it felt like she had surrendered to the desire wholeheartedly, her doubts and fears completely discarded. I turned her head slightly to one side and began peppering kisses along her jaw line, making her body shiver as a deep moan escaped her perfect lips.

“Oh my gawwwwd, Elena,” she gasped, her hands on my hips, pulling me harder against her.

“Feel good? You ok?” I said, kissing my way down to her neck. Hearing her moan my name that way thrilled me a thousand times more than I could have ever anticipated.

“Yes, yes, yes!” Tamara moaned loudly.

“Mmmm good,” I said as my lips touched her neck, knowing first hand how mind-blowing kissing that spot on a woman’s body could be. I kissed softly at first, then more insistently, but sensually and not aggressively. This lovely creature had been used by so many men in her life, and I wanted her to feel adored, even worshiped. I was going to worship every inch of her skin with my lips and tongue, giving her the kind of pleasure that she deserved.

“Ohhh that feels… fucking amazing. Gawd, please don’t stop,” Tamara groaned, clutching me almost in desperation, grinding her body into mine.

“Never,” I gasped as I plastered another deep kiss against her neck. I could tell Tamara was ready for me to touch her, but I still wanted to give her a chance to slow things down in case she started having second thoughts. Given the reactions of her body and the sounds she was making, it was unlikely, but I wanted the choice to be hers, not mine. Patience was key, this kind of lovemaking would change her forever, and I knew how to respect that. I had been with several straight women over the years, and every experience was different, but in every case where things progressed, they crossed a threshold into a new world. My world.

As I bit Tamara’s neck, her back arched and she moaned in the sexiest way I had ever heard a woman do, signaling that there was no turning back. She was mine now, but I still wanted to stretch the foreplay out as long as possible. “Feeling good, love?” I whispered as I nipped her skin a second time.

Tamara was so turned on in that moment that she apparently couldn’t form words, and just nodded. I smiled as I continued kissing her neck again, eliciting more moans.

“This is how women make love, my sweet Tamara, long and slow and sensual, making sure that it’s all about your pleasure,” I purred.

She squealed as I nibbled at her neck, just below her ear. I could tell she found the whispering to be a huge turn-on, so I continued doing it. “I am in love with you, baby. Have been for a long while now. Wanted this to happen more than anything, wanted you.”

“Oh fuck, Elena, I am yours. Been yours longer than I even realized. Losing… you… helped me… discover… that.

Tamara trembled, almost violently.

“Yes, baby, you are mine now. You… belong… to… me,” I gasped as I bit gently into her neck, slipping my hand over her breast, “Every… inch… of… you… body… and… soul.”

“Yes… all yours,” she gasped. That statement removed any doubt as to her feelings, nothing was going to stop this now. I began slowly caressing her breast, feeling her body move in response, matching the rhythm perfectly.

I cupped her face with my free hand, pressing several soft kisses on her lips before looking her right in the eye. “We can stay… here… or…” I said, letting her complete the sentence.

“...go to your bed. Where you want me. Where you have always wanted me,” Tamara said firmly.

Part of me wanted to just reach for her hand to lead her, but I wanted to communicate intimacy more than just a sheer desire to engage with her sexually, so I slid my hand around her waist and pulled her along gently. “Please,” I said softly, wanting to reinforce that this was her choice and not simply my idea. Tamara nodded, her face flush with desire, and we slowly began moving towards the stairway. She leaned her head on my shoulder as we shuffled up the steps one at a time. Once inside, I slowly sat Tamara on the bed, still standing and looking down at her. There were so many ways I could go about this, ranging from mildly aggressive to excruciatingly slow and teasing. As with so many other things in my life, I just followed my instincts.

Sitting next to her, I cupped her face with my hand and leaned in to kiss her again, feeling her part her lips and slip her tongue slowly in my mouth. Feeling playful, I wrapped my lips around her tongue and began sucking on it, sliding my hand beneath her top, caressing her waist with my thumb. I felt her shudder and out of the corner of my eye watched her legs part ever so slightly. As my lips continued my work on her tongue, my hand caressed upwards, lifting her top ever so slowly so as not to startle her. I released the kiss and slowly pulled her top up and over her head, making certain that it fell to the floor.

I smiled as I saw the black lace bra that hugged her breasts, drawing my eyes to the supple curves, which I knew were aching for my touch. Planting a wet kiss on her lips, I put my fingers over her left strap and inched it towards her shoulder, biting and kissing the skin, making Tamara writhe.

“Oh… Elena… fuck me,” she blurted out.

Pushing the bra strap further, I giggled softly. “Oh really now, you sure?” I said teasingly, pushing it off her shoulder now, and attending to the other.

“Yes pleaseee,” Tamara hissed.

Oh damn, this was getting good, I wanted to tease her more, though. “Asking a lesbian to fuck you? Straight girl wants to be tasted?” I purred.

“Fuck… yes… please….” Tamara whimpered.

I unhooked her bra and also tossed it to the floor, leaning back to look at her breasts, jutting up at me, nipples hard, marveling at how exceptional they were. “My gawd, your breasts are gorgeous. I must confess I wanted to do this even that night we met,” I said, my hands cupping them gently, and then guiding her body to lie face-up on the bed.

She moaned as I kissed between them, licking the skin and cupping them again. I gently unzipped her jeans, and she wriggled out of them aggressively, leaving her body in nothing but an amazing but tasteful black lace thong that hinted at what lay beneath, from every indication a bare pussy. I dipped my finger under the elastic of the waist and watched as Tamara parted her legs for me, nodding, gasping “Gawd… yes…” Without stopping, I tugged her panties off with my free hand, not wanting anything to slow things down.

As I slid my hand slowly down towards her sexual center, I continued my oral loving of her breasts, timing the moment where both my fingers touched her wetness and my lips encircled her nipple. Tamara’s body lurched passionately, her hand cradling my head as if urging me on. I needed no invitation but was pleased all the more, knowing in that moment that my stimulation of her body was in perfect synchronization. Her reactions told me that she had never felt anything even remotely like this before and that she was hopelessly addicted to it now.

Nothing could stop this now, we were both given completely over to the passion, surrendered to the hunger, and she was primed at any second to have the most explosive, mind-bending orgasm of her entire life. My two fingers found her petite clit, and I increased my sucking motions as I massaged her, eventually sliding my fingers inside and letting my thumb take over the stimulation of her center.

As I felt her climax build, my lips left her breasts and returned to her neck. “That’s it, baby, give in, cum for me, cum for your lover,” I gasped, still fingering her gently but firmly. Tamara’s back arched as the orgasm took her, pulling me against her as if she was worried I might disappear, gasping my name again and again, trembling and eventually sinking back into the bed.

One lesson I wanted Tamara to never forget was how simple multiple orgasms were with another woman, so as she was recovering, I moved between her legs and cradled her ass, blowing on her pussy and then breathing in her intoxicating scent. “My Tamara,” I said aloud as I buried my face between her legs.

“Oh… my… fucking… g…” she started to say as she felt my expert tongue invade her, though she failed to finish the sentence. This was the moment I had longed for, tasting her pussy, drinking in her sexy taste, and her reveling in me doing it. I gave her no mercy as I gently consumed her, feeling a second orgasm quickly build and crash over her, and then a third. Tamara’s last orgasm felt like it had shattered her, with her screams, unintelligible moans, and her fingers yanking at my hair. I had experienced my share of great lovers, but this time was more intimate, more intense, more touching, and infinitely more pleasurable than any I could remember. I hoped it felt the same way to her as well.

I slipped up next to her quivering body, pulling her into me and letting her panting face settle into my neck in a distinct cuddling posture. Clearly, the experience had been even more intense and powerful than I had anticipated, because Tamara remained in that position for a full three or four minutes without saying a word.

“Elena… I… wow…” she gasped.

“I hope that was ok for you,” I said, poking fun.

Tamara giggled as she playfully pushed me away and sat up. “Um, ok doesn't even come close to describing it. That was… the most amazing thing I have ever felt… ever… with any… one,” she said, rubbing her forehand for a moment.

I smiled and gave her a peck on the lips. “Well, that was what I was going for. I mean what do you expect after almost a year of foreplay hmmm?”

The look on her face was one of absolute adoration, as if I was some sort of angel that had appeared to her in a vision. “Thank you doesn’t do it justice,” she said with a smile.

I patted her on the cheek. “Oh, it was my pleasure,” I giggled.

Tamara gave me a crooked grin and looked at my disheveled clothing. “Well, not really, I am here naked and glowing and you are still fully dressed,” she chided.

I put my fingers on her lips. “Shhh, no need for that, this was about you, not me,” I said softly.

Tamara gave me a soft kiss on the lips. “I’m in love with you too, you know. I really struggled with that, because I couldn't get my head around it, me being straight and all. But in the end, what matters is you!” she sighed.

“And?” I asked, unsure of where she was going with the conversation.

Tamara leaned close and kissed my neck, slipping her hand over my breast. “And I want you too,” she purred.

I had hoped that she had entertained the notion of returning pleasure at some point, but worried that doing it too soon could backfire. “All in good time, there’s no rush,” I gasped, realizing that she was doing to my neck what I had done to hers.

“Please,” Tamara whispered, “truly make me yours.”

Shit, she had played a card I never expected her to play. “Ok, baby, then it’s time to introduce you to my body. Let me guide you,” I sighed, finding myself with butterflies at the thought of her between my legs doing things I thought she never, ever would. I slowly removed my top, leaving my satin bra in place, watching her gaze on my cleavage.

I took her hand and slipped it over my bra, watching her eyes widen, and she discovered what touching another woman truly felt like. “How does that feel, baby?” I asked, almost in a whisper.

Tamara looked mesmerized, her lips parted slightly, staring at the movement of my breast as I moved her hand in a circular motion, letting her fully caress me. I felt my nipple harden under her touch, making her gasp, fueling a look of desire in her eyes. Without saying a word, I pushed her face into the rich valley between them, letting my breasts press against her cheeks in a subtle erotic kiss. I moaned as I felt her kiss there and run her tongue up and down. For someone who had never done that before she was doing an incredible job.

I unhooked my bra and dropped it on the bed, slipping my finger under her chin, guiding her face upwards until her lips were level with my nipple, wondering if she would act on my hint or pretend she was oblivious. I watched my straight friend, who was progressively less so with every passing minute, lick her full lips and lean in to kiss the nipple aching for her mouth. Tamara kissed it twice, and then, looking up at me, wrapped her lips around it, making me moan. “Ohhh that’s it, baby, take your very first taste of my breasts,” I breathed out, thinking after the words had left my lips that it was either corny or ridiculous.

Tamara apparently interpreted it in the sexy way I intended as she began gently sucking, lost in the moment, squirming and shivering. She was sucking gently, both hands around the breast, as if savoring how it felt and tasted. I have never gotten a lot out of breast play before but something about her eagerness and tenderness were incredibly erotic to me. It felt as if she was connecting with me, and drawing some part of me into her very self through her actions. I found myself getting increasingly wetter as she continued. I had so much to teach her but she already was well on her way to being an amazing lover. She switched to the other breast and I was surprised when I experienced a small orgasm, my first with her, but certainly not the last. Tamara watched me as I rode out the mild climax, in awe that she had managed to do anything that created pleasure for me.

After coming back down from the minor high, I shed my pants and then my panties as she watched, her eyes widening as she gazed at my pussy for the very first time. “Wow so… smooth… and wet…” she gasped.

I took her hand, kissed it, and placed it on my aching wetness, trying not to react too strongly to her touching me like that. Gawd I had ached for that moment so many times it was maddening. Smiling, I pushed two of her fingers into me and then pulled them back out, waiting to see how she felt about it all.

Tamara looked at the glistening juices on her hand, the wetness and arousal, as if fascinated by it. She closed her eyes and breathed in the scent, making her shiver, as if letting it possess her somehow. Licking her lips, eyes still closed, Tamara slid them into her mouth, moaning as she took in my taste. My taste!

As she opened her eyes, I knew what she wanted, and I ached for it too, fantasizing so many times about having her face between my legs, going down on me. I lowered myself on the bed, facing up, legs parted, inviting my formerly straight love to complete her journey to my world. Eyes locked on the prize, she inched her way forward, breathing in my scent, aware that she was about to truly become mine.

I moaned and leaned my head back as I felt her lips on me, and her tongue dip in and taste. “Oh, gawd, baby, you are mine forever. Yesss, that’s it, taste me, lick, there just like that. Gawd, you are doing an amazing job,” I said, knowing what I was saying was totally true. My hands were in Tamara’s hair, caressing it, cooing as I spoke to her, coaching her through eating her first pussy, truly making her mine. She got frustrated a few times, but was determined and before too long, I was having a pretty decent orgasm from her efforts.

I pulled her up and wrapped my legs around her, kissing her and tasting myself on her hips, her face coated from her time eating me out. “So, how was it?” I asked, winking at her and giggling a little bit.

Tamara reached up and touched my face gently, stroking up and down my cheek just the way a lover would do. “There are just… no… words,” she said, planting a kiss on my lips and then my neck. She settled into me even more, and I pulled her bare skin against mine, savoring the sensations of our breasts pressed together.

I sighed contentedly, knowing she had crossed over so many sexual lines that I knew had been artificially drawn for her. We were in love, and lovers, and the first time together was incredibly sexy and memorable. “You know,” I began, “when I said you belong to me now… it wasn't just playful talk during lovemaking, I meant every word of it. I want you at my side, in my bed, everything.”

She snuggled in even more and nuzzled my neck, almost like she wanted to crawl up inside me somehow. “Yes, I do know that, and you need to know I have never ever felt anything like this before, the connection, the love, the passion, it’s… like for the first time it’s real for me,” she whispered.

As she said that, I heard Tamara’s voice fade and knew she had fallen asleep, and her breathing slowed to a quiet rhythm. I had never once felt as content as I did in that moment, so vulnerable and surrendered to someone else, and I soon fell asleep myself.