Deidre had big tits and liked to fuck.
[Author’s Note: At this point I understand that for many readers, the above sentence is enough for you to remove whatever you might still be wearing below your waist and “pleasure” yourselves. If you do, I ask that before the afterglow fades (and even before you clean off your fingers because it’s not my keyboard), please take the time to leave a comment about how you personally identified with Deidre’s plight. Thank you.]
Deidre’s husband, Dave, and her family called her ‘Deedee.’ Deedee was a great nickname because it’s such a fun name and Deedee is such a fun girl. ‘Deidre’ is kind of a stuffy name, especially if you pronounce it correctly. Face forward with your neck straight. Tip your chin up ever so slightly and stick out your lower lip. Stick it out more. Now say, ‘Dee-ur-druh' while only moving your lower jaw. See? Stuffy!
And don’t call her ‘Dee-dree.’ Deedee was a very pretty young woman, with bright blue eyes and high cheekbones that were high enough to give her face a very feminine shape but not so high that she’d be mistaken for a Disney villain. But whenever she was called ‘Dee-dree’ her face would sink in like a jack-o-lantern thirty days after Halloween.
Everybody else called her Deedee, too, when she was in the room. The rest of the time they called her ‘Double-D’ because she had big tits.
[Author’s note: Honestly, I wouldn’t have had to tell you again that she had big tits if you hadn’t skipped over the first fucking sentence in the story. Ugh! Every word has its purpose!]
Dave was very handy around the house and had a big dick.
[Author’s note: Please refer to my first note. I’m guessing that for those of you who didn’t care that Deedee had big tits and liked to fuck might now be creaming your panties over Dave’s attributes. I could now probably fill the rest of my allotted 5000 words with, ‘All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy’ followed by, ‘an explosion of cum. The end.’ But for the remaining one percent of you, there’s a story here somewhere as soon as I can come up with one.]
‘Handy around the house’ is not a euphemism. Dave really was very good at laying carpet (again, not a euphemism), connecting sockets (not either), plumbing (no), nailing things (c’mon), painting (nothing, no way you can make this dirty), and running to fetch batteries without asking what they’re for.
Penises have been categorized as ‘showers’ and ‘growers.’ Dave’s dick, which many called ‘Double-Dave,’ fell into both categories. Before he was married to Deedee, he’d carry a tape measure around and win many a pub challenge. However, after they got married Deedee carried the tape measure.
Dave also had eyes and a face, but at this point does it really matter?
Deedee had not been clinically diagnosed with any mental disorders mostly because of the controversies around whether or not ‘hypersexuality’ or ‘nymphomania’ or ‘slut’ were actual disorders. She was seeing a therapist, though. He was eighty-two and had lost his testicles when he was eleven in a farming accident. The only way he could have been a better therapist for her was if he was eighty-three and had the accident at ten.
Dave also had not been clinically diagnosed with any mental disorders but, again, does it really matter?
The story opens (finally) with Deedee in her bubble bath. She used to shave herself when she took those long, hot, soapy, silky baths, but that morning she was simply using her DPG1000-WP (‘Double Plus Good,’ ‘Water Proof’) vibrator to satisfy that carnal itch that hadn’t been scratched since last night. Dave was going to be out of town all day and overnight, so Deedee needed to do something to tide her over until her date showed up.
Deedee didn’t need to shave much anymore, mostly because of the Great Accidental Electrolysis Incident of 2018. That’s when she was masturbating in her bath with her (now dead) DPG1000-WR (‘Water Resistant’) vibbbbbrrrratorrrr. She was disappointed, but understood why Dave returned the twelve replacements that she had ordered thereafter, and bought her the DPG1000-WP instead. Safety first!
She stepped out of the bath and shivered as she ran her hands across her silky goosebumps. She covered her stiff, brown nipples with her palms to warm them up. She could never figure out why taking a bath made her nips so cold. She let her hair down and brushed it out, then padded to the bedroom to sit at her vanity where she quickly applied her makeup. “Cherries, roses or berries,” she contemplated before choosing the rose-colored lipstick. She paused before applying it, deciding to get another cup of coffee instead. She pulled on a pair of bikini panties and headed downstairs.
“Good morning, Babe.”
“DAVID!”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing here?”
“I live here.”
“I thought you left for your trip.”
“It was cancelled. You know me, I like to keep busy, so I went to the hardware store and was the first customer of the day. You were still in your bath so I didn’t want to bother you. Anyway, I’ve got a lot of stuff planned.” He gave her a kiss on one cheek and swatted another. “I’ll be around if you need me. I parked the truck out back to unload it.” With that, he left out the back door.
Fuck.
Deedee frantically hunted down her phone. She had to call Honeybunch or Honeybuns or whoever it was coming over, to call off their date. She was flipping through when the front door opened.
“Is the coast clear?”
Fuck. It was Honey Bear. “No! Dave didn’t go on his trip. You need to leave!”
Honey Bear knew better, though. He gave her a rough kiss and rubbed a wet spot onto her panties. “I’ll be in the guest room. I know you can’t say no.”
She knew he was right and that she was in a terrible fix. I can do this. He’s a busy husband.
Dave came back in with a couple bags of parts. “I’ll be in the basement, working at the circuit box.”
“Why don’t you look at my circuit box, baby?” Dammit dammit dammit!
Dave swung a bag around her back and smacked her hip with it. He gave her a kiss and said, “I really love you Babe!” He took the parts downstairs.
Deedee ran upstairs where Honey Bear’s erection was waiting. Deedee started drooling. Also, saliva was running out the sides of her mouth. She hated the idea of disappointing a beau, so she pulled off her panties and jumped into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his thick neck and her legs around his thick waist. Together, they slowly lowered her to impale her slick slit onto his thick dick.
She knew she shouldn’t be doing this with her husband in the house, but she had a thickness.
Unfortunately, she sort of slipped past and he almost dropped her.
“Hey, watch it!”
“Sorry!” Honey Bear hiked her up a few times, slapping her double-Ds up into his chin, nearly rendering him unconscious. They regained their bearings and tried again, this time taking into account that his dick leaned a little to the left. She repeatedly kissed his face and jumped up and down on his pole as he ambled towards the bed.
Deedee’s phone rang. It was Dave. “I should take that,” she said. Honey Bear lumbered to the dresser and Deedee, still skewered, enjoyed every lumb.
“Hi Baby, what's up?” She had to mute her phone because Honey Bear kept lumbering and ambling and she subsequently kept squeaking and squealing.
“Hey, could you check the power in the master bath for me?”
“Sh-sure, Babe, hold on.” Deedee muted the phone again. “Unhook me. I’ve got to help Dave with his project for a minute.” Honey Bear sighed and lifted Deedee off of his dick. She waddled off until her knees got used to facing forward again. “EverythingworksgladIcouldhelpbyebye.”
“Wait! How about the outlet you use for your hair dryer?”
“Um, nope! I guess that means you’ll be in the basement for a while, huh?”
“I was afraid of that. Thanks, Babe.”
Deedee ran back to the guestroom and pushed Honey Bear onto his back on the bed. She straddled him with one hand on his knee and the other gripping his dick.
“Aww, Deedee, I can’t play with your tits when we fuck like this!”
Deedee ignored his whining as she wriggled her hips and wiggled his dick back into her pussy. Then she just sat there. “You don’t like my ass?”
“Of course, I do, it’s just that …”
“What’s wrong with my ass?”
“Nothing! Honest! I was just saying …"
She lifted herself up so that only his tip was still inside. Really, just the tip, not like when a guy promises to just put the tip in but, oops, sorry, didn’t mean to put the whole thing in, too late now, but, you know, the tip. “Should I stop? Should I send you home because my ass offends you?” She slammed herself back down. “Or is it my pussy? You suddenly don’t like my pussy now?”
“No! I mean yes! I mean, you have the best ass and the best pussy and all I want …"
“Touch it.”
“What?”
“Touch it. Touch my ass. Both hands. Make me feel nice.” Honey Bear caressed her ass. “That’s better.”
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
[Author’s note: Just checking to see whether or not anyone is still here.]
If Deedee’s buttocks weren’t as shapely as they were, with such a distinctive cleft between her cheeks, Honey Bear’s bladder would have been battered to a pulp by now. She was almost always on top when she was with him, because she knew how to use his dick better than he did. She seriously doubted whether it felt good when he masturbated. But it was long and thick and held up nicely under pressure.
“Hey, Babe, where are you?”
Fuck. Deedee threw a pillow over Honey Bear’s face and ordered him to keep still. “Trust me, if you don’t move, he won’t notice you!”
“In the guestroom, Davey-wavey!” Deedee sat upright with her hands clasped on top of the deeply-embedded dick.
Dave found her as he walked in with his toolbox. “Hey, I wanted to check the outlets in here and I didn’t want to bother you again.”
“You’re so thoughtful, but I wouldn’t have minded.” Deedee kept a vacuous smile on her face while exercising her Kegels.
Dave took out his meter and faced his wife. He stared for a second.
Deedee smiled blankly back.
Dave squinted.
Deedee squinted back.
Dave scowled.
Deedee scowled back.
Dave took a step forward. “Are you, were you, masturbating?”
“Something like that.”
Dave threw up his arms. “Babe, I don’t want you to feel neglected. We could," he glanced wistfully towards his toolbox, “you know,” he sighed, “do it, if you want.”
“Oh, Baby, you’re so sweet, but you’re in your little zone there, I’d hate to ruin that for you.”
“Deedee, you’re the best! I promise I’ll be all yours as soon as I’m done with this.”
“Take your time.”
“Or maybe after that leaky pipe.”
“I’ll wait if it takes forever.”
“Cool!” Dave practically skipped around the room sticking his probes in the outlets, gave his bride a quick kiss on the cheek, and clearly skipped off looking for his joint compound.
Deedee picked up where she left off, got herself off, and then got herself off of Honey Bear.
“Oof!” Honey Bear exclaimed as Deedee plopped down onto his chest and gobbled up his dick. “What the hell was that?”
“A little orgasm. Don’t worry, yours is coming.”
“I mean, what was that about?”
“It was about a 4, actually, but I think that’s pretty good considering the interruption.”
“That’s what I’m asking! How the hell did he not see us?”
“I told you! He gets into his little home-improving-handyman trances and only sees things that need fixing.” Deedee expertly sucked out Honey Bear’s honey and he made a groaning noise that sounded a lot like air rattling through the plumbing. “If Dave had heard that, he’d have found you in a second. Now, you should get dressed and go.”
“Can we make him do it again?”
Deedee sighed. “You want a demonstration? I can arrange that.” Deedee called her friend Beebee, who had small tits and often dressed like a schoolgirl and liked to fuck.
[Author’s note: Honestly, guys, I appreciate it that you made it this far. If you stop reading this story now, like when you stop watching a porno after thirty seconds, don’t forget to leave that comment.]
Beebee arrived soon after, wearing a very short plaid polo-dress with white cotton thigh-high socks. Deedee smacked her lips. She grabbed Beebee’s double ponytails and pulled her close. Beebee gave Deedee a little peck, knowing that as soon as someone kisses her, Deedee somehow sorta wants to kiss her back. She did.
Honey Bear’s boner waved hello while Honey Bear waited for an introduction. And waited.
“How is Double-Dave?”
“He’s fantastic, of course, and also in good health.”
Honey Bear cleared his throat.
Beebee glanced in his direction. “Who’s the boner?”
Deedee hemmed and hawed and Honey Bear raised a paw. “Hi, I’m Melvin.”
“I was talking to the boner.”
Deedee explained to Beebee that Honey Bear wanted a Dave demo. They set the stage and Deedee called down to her husband for him to come up. “Oh, Davey-wavey, this squeaky floorboard in the guestroom is really bothering me. Could you stop what you’re doing and come fix it?”
Dave gladly answered his wife’s call and strode in with Deedee naked except for a hat, Beebee naked except for a hat and a feather boa and her socks, Deedee’s finger(s) up Beebee’s vee-vee, and Honey Bear sitting naked with a purse in his lap. Dave deliberately walked about the room until he found the exact board.
“Dear, we have visitors.”
“We do? Oh, sorry, hello, Beebee.”
“And this is her friend, Milton.”
Honey Bear thought not to correct her.
“Oh, hey, Milton.” He knelt to examine the floor closer.
“Beebee is going out tonight and wants to borrow some shoes.”
“That’s nice. Milton, ever do any house repairs?”
Honey Bear was wanking, watching Deedee diddle Beebee, and almost missed the question. “Yeah, sure.”
“The secret with these floorboards is you’ve got to figure out the root cause of the squeak.”
Beebee squeaked; a whole other root cause.
“Now, did the board come loose or warp away from the joist, or are two boards rubbing against each other?”
“Dave, doesn’t Beebee have the cutest tits?”
“Huh? Oh, sure, very nice Beebee.”
“Uh huh,” Honey Bear said.
“Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh,” Beebee added.
“Any who, I’m per-itty sure it’s two boards, because if you look really close with a flashlight, you can see where the stain has rubbed away between these two.”
Honey Bear’s fist moved faster. “Rubbed away, got it.”
“Rub away,” Beebee told Deedee between kisses.
“So, this fix is a lot easier 'cause we don’t need to get to the joists. I’ll just use this razor knife here to clean out the dirt and shave each board a tiny bit. I’ll finish by using a cotton swab with a bit of stain to make it look nice and we’re all done!”
Honey Bear and Beebee were done as well, although anyone actually paying attention would have noticed how much neater Dave’s job was in comparison.
“Nice job, Davey-dearest. Very neat.”
“Thanks, Babe. Hey, Milton, stop down for a brew if you get tired of hanging out with two chicks.”
----------------------------
Dave got all cleaned up and sat with a beer watching the game. Deedee sauntered in, obviously dressed for a night out.
“Wow! You look great. Were we supposed to be going out?”
“No, silly, you weren’t even supposed to be here, so I thought we should celebrate staying in.” Deedee posed for him, placing one black, six-inch stiletto-heeled sandal in front of the other. “Like my shoes?”
“Well, yeah! Those are the ones you bought when I said that women look so much hotter when they’re taller than the men they’re with.”
Deedee offered each foot so Dave could unstrap her shoes and kiss each red-painted toe. She spun around to model her dress. “Do you remember where I got this dress?”
“We were at Mardi Gras and I pointed out how much I liked that dress on the girl who was wearing it and you bought it from her then and there and you switched outfits.”
Deedee squatted so Dave could reach the zipper. She stood again and let it gradually fall to the floor. She bent over, undid his belt and fly and gave Double-Dave a long lick. “Let’s take this to bed.” She sashayed away and he followed right behind her.
“How about my undies?”
“Those were the ones I saw in the store window. You said the bra would never hold the girls. I bought them for you anyway. The panties still look like they’re painted on, but you were right about the bra, until I replaced the clasp with one that I designed myself.”
Half-way down the hall, Deedee stopped him and said, “Get naked, Handyman.” Dave hurriedly stripped, setting Double-Dave free, while Deedee unfastened her bra, which sprung away from her bosom and hit him in the face. Dave didn’t hear the gasp coming from the crack in the guest room door as he chased after his wife.
“Holy shit, was that thing for real?”
Dave caught up with Deedee, spread-eagle on their bed, and shoved his tongue into her twat like a man who liked eating pussy. He stopped and raised his head – the one with the ears. “What was that noise?”
"It’s Milton and Beebee fucking in the guestroom.”
“No, no I know what fucking sounds like.” He listened some more. “It sounds like the guestroom headboard needs tightening. I should go fix it; they’ll never know I’m there.”
Deedee grabbed his pole, preventing his escape. “Fix me. Fix me hard. Lay my carpet. Connect my socket. Plug my plumbing! Nail me!”
[Author’s note: Yes, these are euphemisms in this context.]
“Paint my vaginal walls with your spray-gun of lust!”
[Author’s note: I did not see that one coming, so to speak.]
And there was an explosion of cum. The end.
[Author’s note: In case you didn’t figure it out on your own, back on page two or so when Deedee is taking her bath, her nipples were cold because her tits were so big that her nipples stuck above the water. Sheesh, next time I’ll draw a picture.]
