The smell of fall is in the air, crisp cool mornings. In the distance the glow of an early morning fire lit the sky.

Jane (Was not her given name but, her given name was Hurit which meant beautiful and when spoken everyone thought she was in pain), and her tribe were gathering food for the winter. This included nuts, berries and some wild fruit that grew in the nearby forest. They used to hunt wild turkey, but too much wild turkey led to fights and hunting accidents so now they traded their gatherings with the only settler they trusted, Mr. Butterballs who ran a nearby farm.

As they gathered one cool fall morning, they ran across the strangest sight any had ever seen. There were men dressed in frilly clothing. They looked more like outcasts from the Pride tribe in nearby Greenwich Village. Jane and her tribe started laughing among themselves, pointing and snickering. Jane's tribe was composed of lesbians and bisexual women. No men allowed.

Although they were accustomed to the male Indian warriors of the nearby tribe near Jamestown, Jane wanted nothing to do with these oddly dressed interlopers. She stepped forward and spoke in a stern voice, “This is our land get out now!”

The Intruders were quickly surrounded by the female warriors. Speaking in a trembling voice the one Jane took to be the leader said, “My name is Crapper Smith. I'm helping my brother, John, find civilization here. I'm sorry for our intrusion.”

In the nearby brush a rustling of the leaves was heard by all and suddenly a rabbit popped out of his hole and said, “What's up doc? I think you made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.”

This completely startled Crapper. He pleaded in a trembling, stuttering voice, “C...C...Can you please help us?” This was worse than when he saw that huge frog singing "Hello My Baby."

Jane looked at them thinking, "All white men must be idiots." But she replied, “I'll help you. The rabbit spoke the truth. You made the wrong turn. You want to head 50 miles due south of here. There you'll find what you're looking for. Now leave here now.”

Crapper and his band of men hastily left and were quickly out of sight. As day began turning to evening, they found a small place by a creek to bed down for the night. They, of course, began talking about how beautiful that tribe's women were. Gorgeous and scantily clad, a combination no one, not even a Puritan, could resist One of the men said to Crapper,” I think I'm going back and take one last glance at them.”

Crapper immediately objected, "Are you crazy? Did you see how the leader looked at us? She looked like she wanted to castrate any man in sight."

Without hesitation a few of the other men jumped up agreeing the plan had merit. Shortly thereafter, arriving at Janestown they could see a huge fire with all the Indian princesses dancing around it, nude.

Jane the tribal leader was watching the whole affair finally pointing to one of the beautiful young ladies named Makkitotosimew (meaning 'she who has large breasts') wiggling her finger, motioning her to join her. "Come, Makki, I need your counsel." The younger lass ran excitedly to Jane, her huge chest flopping about like salmon fighting currents to spawn. Her lustrous jet-black hair was cascading over her firm shoulders like the first-ever glamor shot at young Sam Walton's General Store.

Jane and Makki began kissing in a most romantic way with Jane's hands meticulously exploring her friend's bountiful bosom. The men were astonished with what they were seeing. A few men were even whispering excitedly about how fine Makki was. It was blowing their minds. Oh, Makki! Within a few minutes the women had paired off and retreated to their teepees.

The men were whispering, comparing notes on what they surely hadn't seen. Women kissing women. How absurd! Now men kissing men was commonplace on the Mayflower. It was good for morale and helped the Pilgrim's fashion sense when designing those bitchin' hats. It was Pilgrim's progress. But hot maiden-on- maiden action was beyond belief. With that the sounds of the night turned to soft moans coming from the teepees melding with the much quieter coyote howls. Not wanting to get caught the men went back to their campsite stumbling through the forest. All walking bent over, pained. Only indecipherable muttering could be heard among them. Only the words "Circle Jerk" were discernable.

Back at Janestown, the portly maiden known as 'Numees she with a spacious vajayjay or sister' peeked from her double-wide teepee. "The yokels are gone," she whispered to her sisters-in-arms. They all then emerged from the tents, the flickering campfire highlighting their naked bodies. With the tall, slender tribe woman named Hyapatia (her names means supreme) directing the action, the women hooked up in twos and threes around the glowing fire feasting on each other like it was 1999. They looked to their leader for guidance, but Jane was far too occupied nuzzling Makki's massive mammaries to provide any guiding light. Besides, she couldn't speak with her mouth full. She wasn't a ventriloquist. But since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, soon other mammaries were being woman-handled.

Soon the sounds of motorboats were being reproduced on heaving bosoms. (quite a feat since boat motors wouldn't be invented for hundreds of years). Even the oft ignored Alawa A-Cup (meaning 'she with tiny titties or pea') got into the act. As did her twin sister, Perky. When the tribe repositioned themselves into the sacred ritual known only as "The Beaver feast," the wolves and coyotes weren't the only ones howling. If the settlers were shocked at women kissing, they would have been mortified at what came next; a traveling French Canadian Cree had taught the tribe a technique known as 'rimming the derriere' that many had developed a taste for. Sacagasqueala especially.

After orgasms some wanted to share their glad tidings with neighboring tribes, so they began thumping on their partner's breasts like tom-toms. On a quiet night this sound could carry for miles where it could be translated into smiley faces and random letters like 'LOL'. They had created the precursor of Instagram. Theirs’s was known as Mammogram.

The next morning the men reported to Crapper about what they had seen and heard. He said, “You are all lucky to be alive, now let's go find my brother.”

With that they picked up their gear and walked past their smoldering campfire. A bear standing at a nearby tree growled, “Only you can prevent forest fires” so they thought it might be a good idea to extinguish the fire. They also thought it might be a good idea to refrain from buying anymore mushrooms from Doc Leary, the discredited herbalist.

A few days after meandering through the wilderness they found Jamestown and his brother John. Crapper told the story of what they had witnessed in Janestown. John informed “I know about Janestown led by Chief Jane. Let me introduce you to her sister, Pocahontas.”

John took his brother into his cabin to introduce him to Pocahontas. She was just as beautiful as her sister, maybe even more so. Crapper inquired, “Why doesn't your sister live here with you, Pocahontas?”

“My sister is a little different than me. She prefers females.”

Crapper said with a look of puzzlement on his face, " Likes females?” Suddenly it all began to make sense.

She said, “Yes, I'm talking about sexually.”

Crapper replied, “I've never heard of such a thing.” Although he had witnessed such sights at Janestown, he had passed it off as a vulgar side effect of those accursed mushrooms.

John looked at his brother and said, “Welcome to the new land. Nudge. Nudge,” with a smile on his face. John continued filling in his brother about the differences in the new land as he called it. "There are many Native tribes here and we are going to have a celebration with them to show them that we mean no harm.

Crapper said’ “That sounds like a good idea what are you going to call your celebration?”

"Dinner, I guess. But maybe we can come up with a more marketable name?"

Pocahontas then took Crapper to an adjoining cabin to show him where he would sleep. She lit the candles and warmly encouraged him to get comfy. She then picked up a worn ledger and began asking a myriad of personal questions like name, age, relationship status, etc. Noting his answers in her thick journal.

"Why the questions?" he finally asked.

"It's something called Palefacebook I'm working on."

He took her hand, looked hungrily into her eyes and said in an almost pleading voice known to horny men throughout the old and new world, "You know, you are one of the most beautiful women I've ever laid my eyes on. I must have you. I've been on a boat for months and after seeing Janestown last night I'm in desperate need of a woman. Or a large bottle of skin lotion."

She said’” I can't do that. Me and John got kind of a thing going on.”

Crapper replied, ‘He won't mind I promise you.” And so, the expression 'bro's before ho's was not born. Now his loins ached, and he quickly stepped out of his pantaloons. Smirking at her he snarled, "I've got your totem pole hanging!"

Pocahontas glanced between his legs, snickering as only a woman can and said, "Oh in your land 'totem' means 'tiny'?"

Unaffected he pulled her closer, kissing slowly, his hand sliding down her clothing. Feeling her soft skin and looking at her beauty he had never felt this way before. He laid her down on his bed and began making love to her. Slowly sliding in and out of her mixing his juices with hers before long (not long at all really) he came with a giant eruption. Before immediately going to sleep he told her he would send her a smoke signal the next day.

"I've heard that before," she said sullenly.

He chuckled. "Are you saying the white man speaks with a forked tongue?"

"I wish," she replied even more sullenly while eyeing an impressive cucumber laying on the table

Now awake, Crapper said, "Thanks for giving yourself to me." She looked at him, nodded and without saying a word returned to her cabin. Now alone he glanced about his sparse living quarters before it dawned on him; the cucumber he was going to eat for lunch had mysteriously disappeared.

The next beautiful fall morning as they were having their breakfast Pocahontas looked at John and said, "I think I've come up with a name for our celebration...Thanks for giving.”

John repeated the name out load, "Thanks for giving. Thanks for giving. I have it! How about just Thanksgiving?" Once again, credit was taken from Native Americans.

With that they all agreed on the name. John told Pocahontas to invite her sister so her's would be one of the tribes they would celebrate with. Pocahontas was overjoyed at the idea. Several days passed and Pocahontas had gone to Janestown. She snuck into Jane's empty teepee and posted an invitation on her wall. Reluctantly Jane agreed to come to their Thanksgiving.

The day of Thanksgiving had arrived. Tribes from all around the area came to the celebration. Jane and her tribe of course, brought turkeys from Mr. Butterballs's Farm. The day was filled with gaiety, drinking and celebration of a new way of life for everyone with many different foods from the tribes. Some brought pumpkin pies, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, maize and delicious yams.

Upon arrival and seeing the enormous crowd of diners, Jane met with her host and asked, "Do we need a reservation?"

"No. You'll be on one of those soon enough," he winked.

"Huh?"

As the day slipped into night some of the party goers, were smoking a little too much of the peace pipes. Some of the women had passed out from the tryptophan in the turkey but as a precaution William Cosby was detained for questioning. Some of the men had begun noticing Jane's tribe and how beautiful they were. A few of them had slipped off without Jane noticing as she was preoccupied talking with Pocahontas, John and Crapper.

Jane grew tired and announced she was taking her tribe back to Janestown since tomorrow would be Black Friday and they would wake early. Looking she noticed many of her members were not there. She got up in a huff and started walking around until she found one of them making love to one of the men.

She became enraged, grabbing the young woman and pulling her away yelling, "You get back to Janestown right now and find all the rest of our tribe and take them with you. I'll take care of these guys." She grabbed her knapsack and whipped out a tube of her favorite warpaint made by Maybelline, one of the tribal elders. She screamed at the top of her lungs, "See this warpaint? If you come near Janestown you will have a war on your hands." With that the angry Chieftess left the celebration.

The next morning Jane addressed her tribe saying, "We're getting out of here. There's too many of those settlers around and we'll never get any peace. I've heard of a place way out west that's on the ocean.

"We are going that way. The air is crystal clear, we'll be on steady ground and no more miserable winters. We never have to worry about fires there I am told. The settlers will never make it that far so we will have peace forever. It's such a magical land even the Eagles sing. There's plenty of room there, I hear."

Now you know how the name Thanksgiving came to pass and how Native Americans settled the West and it was the women who settled it first!!