We begin our story in search of Jane Bondage, the most prized agent in her Majesty's secret service. Queen Lezbeth sent out most of her entire force in the search for her.
You see, Jane retired a few years ago to a location unknown to everyone to avoid her powerful enemies as well as AT&T telemarketers.
The world was in desperate need of her now more than ever as the evil Dr. John Covid spread his bug throughout the world.
The evil Doctor had sprung many of his accomplices from prison. Their names were known worldwide: Iwantka Yourdick, Sir Hugo Drano, Eric Smellyfinger, and Melanie Octopuss.
He also freed a few of his henchmen: Mini Peepee, Odd Blowjob, and Mr. Fatass.
They all hated Jane Bondage.
The Queen grew tired of her agents, not finding Jane as the Doctor kept spreading his disease. It was personal for Her Majesty since her wrists still bore ligature marks from her encounter with Jane in the Tower of London dungeon. She finally sent out Miss Pennyless, agent QT, and the other letters of the alphabet, agents X, Y, and Z.
Miss Pennyless finally found Jane in Jamaica, mon. She was singing at a local club with Ziggy Marley doing some of the classic reggae songs of his father, Bob. They sang 'Jammin' and 'Stir it up' to name a few.
Through a haze of sweet ganja smoke, Jane was shocked to hear of the pandemic and invited Miss Pennyless back to her place to pack after first stopping for chocolate and Twinkies.
She watched Jane pack her ropes, handcuffs, and other assorted devices.
Miss Pennyless asked, “Why do you need all of those things?”
Jane replied, “I'm glad you asked.”
The next thing Miss Pennyless knew, she was cuffed and gagged on Jane's bed.
Jane took off the gag only so she could ride Miss Pennyless’s face until she came. With her makeup smeared as she had just watched a chick flick marathon, the restrained woman half-heartedly tugged on the expertly tied ropes, happy they didn't loosen.
Jane was not named Bondage without reason.
………..
Arriving back at secret headquarters (at least that is what the billboard said outside "Secret Headquarters"), Jane was briefed by agent QT. She was informed of John Covid's plans to kill off all his enemies even if it meant killing some friendlys.
She was handed a file on each of John’s accomplices, opening each one carefully then reading about her prey.
Iwantka Yourdick would spread the disease by fucking as many as possible, and once they had the disease, they became carriers. She was in New York.
Sir Hugo Drano filled bottles of Drano with the disease and sold them on eBay as regular Drano. He had been seen in Kentucky. The last place one might expect to find him since Kentucky has little if any indoor plumbing and outhouses require Drano as rarely as Clint Howard makes a bearable movie.
Eric Smellyfinger would stick his finger in his ass then go around shaking hands with unsuspecting people. Eric was in Africa.
Melanie Octopuss had eight slits known to frequent high society parties and allowed the partygoers to pick a slit and fuck it. She was somewhere in Russia.
Mini Peepee was always by the evil Doctor's side and was believed to be in Florida somewhere.
Odd Blowjob was gay, and do we need to explain how he passed on the disease? He was in the orient; it was rumored.
Mr. Fatass would eat beans and gas all the people around him with his gas chamber. He was located somewhere in the United Kingdom.
Jane sat back in her chair with a look of dismay on her face. She was wondering where to begin.
She decided to do some globetrotting before heading to the USA to take care of all the USA's villains.
She went to Africa first to find Smellyfinger.
She found him on a safari where he offered handshakes to wild animals (Eric was not too bright).
Jane waited until dusk to implement her plan. She came into his camp dressed in a tight leopard bikini, purring as she strutted towards Eric.
His eyes popped out of his head, and his penis, which he called his 'spitting cobra', stiffened in his pants.
Stammering like Bob Newhart, Eric asked, “Who are you, and why are you here?” He couldn't take his bulging eyes off her spots—especially the wet ones.
Jane replied, "I am the leopard of Africa, and I come to bring you pleasure."
Eric said, “If you insist.”
She danced in the flames of the bonfire, removing her bikini. Eric could hardly sit still. She got behind him and tied his hands, careful not to touch his pungent fingers.
She removed his pants, exposing his penis. A gust of wind came up, and Eric exploded his load all over the bonfire, nearly putting it out.
She had him right where she wanted him. As she noticed hundreds of tsetse flies thrashing in his sperm, screaming, "Help me!", she explained to him, "I am Agent sixty-nine, Jane Bondage, and you are under arrest for spreading your disease."
Suddenly, a loud thundering herd of water buffaloes came stampeding through camp. Jane climbed a tree, but the cloud of dust obscured her view of Eric. When the dust cleared, there was no sign of the evildoer.
Jane searched for the grasslands but had no luck. She postponed her search as night fell.
The next morning, Jane found Eric dead. He had stuck his finger up his ass as the water buffaloes were trampling him. The local mortician could wipe neither the smile off his face nor the stench from his finger. Thus the closed coffin.
Jane next went to the airport to search for Melanie Octopuss.
She found her working at a whorehouse. Her pimp was Valsic Pootin.
Jane was thinking high society to a whorehouse. Things must have taken a downturn for Melanie. Or perhaps a step up if it was DC society.
Jane needed a disguise, so she dressed as a man, putting on one of her many strapons. Jane was met at the whorehouse by Mr. Pootin. They settled on the price so she could have Melanie all by herself.
Jane knew this would be tricky with eight slits for her to contend with. It would be like fucking Mom Kardashian.
Jane blindfolded Melanie and then used her handcuffs, so she was powerless unless her slits were of the dreaded 'snapping' variety. Melanie, growing tired of waiting, said, "Let's see what you're packing." Jane untied the blindfold then slammed her large toy on the bedside table. Her eight slits were covered by a bush so dense it was trimmed by roadside cleanup crews.
Jane waved her imposing tool in Melanie's face and said in a phony, deep baritone, "Call me Big Ben."
"I'll call you 'Biggest Ben' if you prefer."
Jane had a special button on her strapon, which would feel like cum ejaculating but was an anti-virus formula that rendered Melanie ineffective in the spread of the disease. She only hoped Dr. Fauci's autograph on the long, thick schlong didn't give her plan away.
Jane slid her strapon in the first slit, and Melanie began moaning. Jane pumped and pumped, filling Melanie with the anti-virus.
Melanie began screaming, "Please fuck all my slits. Treat me like the dirty whore I am." Jane was happy to oblige, filling her with the medicine. Jane suddenly felt homesick for the UK since, in her aroused state, Melanie smelled like fish and chips without the chips.
Jane took off her disguise and told her, "I am Jane Bondage, and you are under arrest for spreading your disease, which I have now made ineffective."
Jane grabbed her and was headed out the door when Mr. Pootin stopped them, asking, "Where the hell do think you're taking Melanie?"
Jane grabbed her other pair of cuffs and had him cuffed before he could utter another word.
She flew them both back to Queen Lezbeth where they would stand trial for their misdeeds.
Jane was now off to apprehend Mr. Fatass.
She stopped by HQ first to get a few items, most importantly a heavy-duty gas mask and a poisonous odor sensor like they use at Taco Bell. She also retrieved a Zippo lighter.
"I didn't know you smoked? Do you want a fag?" Pennyless enquired.
"No. We'll get to Odd Blowjob later. The lighter is a surprise Q Section made for me. I'll show you when the time is right." Now their search resumed.
It was not hard to find him. Jane checked with local groceries to see who had sold the most beans. There were two of them located up north.
Jane headed north, and her smell sensor located the odious scent of Mr. Fatass in a men's room.
Even with her gas mask, she could still smell him and thought to herself, "I have done many things for God and country, but there is no way I am getting close enough to tie him up." That would be even worse than that Wham concert she attended with Prince Andrew.
Jane decided to reverse the ventilation in the men's room, and Mr. Fatass choked and died on his fumes. The place stunk worse than a Ringo Starr drum solo.
Next, she was off to the orient to find Odd Blowjob.
This proved to be extremely hard for her. She checked all the local gay hangouts in country after country with no sign of Odd Blowjob. However, she heard lots of George Michael songs as well as learning a few new dance moves. All involving bending over and grabbing one's ankles. At least she hoped it was a dance.
It finally struck her that maybe he was in North Korea. Sure enough, she found him living under the protection of Kim Jon-mmmmmm.
Odd Blowjob would fly in and out of North Korea, hitting as many gay bars as he could then fly back to his protection.
Jane was perplexed on what to do as she could not get into North Korea and did not have the resources to watch every plane flying out. She called HQ for help, and Miss Pennyless suggested that she dress like Valsic Pootin and call Kim Jon-mmmmmm to ask for a meeting and hope he brought Odd Blowjob with him.
Her disguise worked perfectly, and Odd Blowjob was at the meeting. The pseudo-Mr. Pootin asked Mr. Jon-mmmmmm, "Who's the handsome fellow with you?”
He replied, “This is Mr. Blowjob. He has more undercover talents than your KGB. Would you like to find out those talents, Mr. Pootin?”
Jane nodded, and they retreated to the lavish palace bedroom.
She undid her fly and out popped an eight-inch rubber dong. Blowjob being a little farsighted, instantly started sucking on the dong like it was a chilidog outside a Tastee Freeze.
Jane had installed the same type of button she used on Melanie with the same anti-virus imitation cum.
Blowjob sucked and sucked, and Jane kept squirting the fake cum into his mouth. She had two quarts of the anti-virus, but the quantity dropped faster than Madonna's panties on a Motel Six casting couch.
Odd Blowjob started turning blue, suffocating from all the fake cum. Jane pumped on his belly, but it was too late. He died from an overdose of artificial cum. But, damn, his teeth were whiter than ever.
She snuck out the backdoor. Ironically, it was usually the backdoor being entered with the deceased Mr. Blowjob.
On her flight back, she found out that Kim Jon-mmmmmm had a bounty out on Valsic Pootin's head. Jane was also informed that Sir Hugo Drano had died by a lethal injection of Lysol that he tried on himself.
The virus had slowed with all of Jane's efforts across the globe except in the USA, where the evil Doctor was still running loose with a couple of his evildoers, spreading more disease than a five-dollar hooker.
She flew into New York expecting to find Iwantka Yourdick to discover she had fled to the Evil Doctor's lair in Florida, which was now the world's virus-spreading capital. Using her diplomatic passport Jane and Pennyless were able to next fly into the Orlando Airport and from there to the Homeland Security checkpoint where they encountered an older, elegant British inspector, looking like Helen Mirren, who began thoroughly searching their luggage.
She was a little old to be a 'Bondage girl,' but Jane knew they could use her AARP discount at select restaurants.
The search came to an abrupt halt as the tall, slender Brit inspector held up Jane's red, slender feeldoe. "What's all this then? A weapon of mass destruction?"
Pennyless giggled, chiming in, "More like a weapon of ASS destruction in my experience."
