(Mid 1980s) Taking not much more than the head in my mouth, I sucked it like a straw. He was excited, but that didn’t last. The mood turned. Knowing something was wrong, I tried sucking harder, as if from a frozen beverage, but this only made things worse. I was probably close to giving his penis a hickey when he stopped me. Nearly on the verge of tears, I confessed that this was my first time.

I had for years been exploring my sexuality, as young girls do. But during my tumultuous freshman year, I aggressively explored men. Or more accurately, boys. Arguably still a virgin when I arrived, and with no real female friends with whom I could discuss such matters, I was left to figure it out with help only from the guys I met at college.

I came to this with very little knowledge. My parents would never discuss such things, going out of their way to shield me from anything sexual. The only time my mother ever recognized anything relating to sex is when I was fifteen and she took me to get birth control pills, but there was no conversation about it.  I believe one of the reasons I am so open about sex now is due to that experience. It would have been much better for me if I had real knowledge of such matters when I was young.

I did find it easy to forgive my parents, as I know I put them through a lot. I had a very high libido since I was young, and for a long time made no effort to hide it. My sexual experimentations were uninhibited and unrestrained. Everyone in my family knew, and that became too much for my parents, who sent me to counseling. But even there I learned very little about sex.

What I did know, or thought I knew, came mostly from overheard conversations, comments from peers, and a few movies. But everything was explained through vague phrases that left me in the dark. For example, I came to understand that nearly all guys want their dicks sucked. My apologies for being crass, but that inaccurate description was key to my misunderstanding what I was supposed to do.

This first time that I went down on a guy happened the week I arrived at college. I was in the car of a cute boy, Alejandro, who had asked me out. I didn’t find him very charming, but he was Cuban, and I had a life-long crush on Desi Arnaz. I wanted to be Ale’s Lucy enough to overlook his lack of charisma and find the courage to try this for the first time.

Thinking I was supposed to suck it, that is what I did. But from Ale I learned that the description of sucking is misleading, just as other terms I had heard, like ‘blow job’. I couldn’t make any sense of that either.

Now I realize why it can be better to refer to this activity in a nonspecific way. As I write this, I wish I could find a better description of what was desired. He wanted nothing unusual, but at that moment I was dismayed to learn how it works. The way I thought of it, he basically wanted to have sex with my mouth.

At first, I couldn’t understand why we not just have sex. I had come into this looking forward to the sucking, expecting to just rest my head in his lap while gently nursing and caressing – that is how I liked to think of it. My only prior concern was how to handle his finishing. I understood that I was supposed to swallow. Although I had ideas about making this work, it was frightening as I expected him to explode in my mouth.

The whole endeavor became overwhelming as I followed through with his request. It didn’t seem right. This was so raw and aggressive. I had to fight my impulses to reject him as he held me by my hair and thrust himself what seemed far too deep in my throat.

After the initial shock, I was able to calm a bit. Feeling my body adjust, I began to believe that I may be able to do this. I focused on what I felt beyond my fear, and there was much I found arousing. Letting him do as he pleased, putting myself out there just for his pleasure in such a dirty lascivious way made me feel wonderfully naughty. I had never surrendered to another’s urges to this degree. He took control, pulling my hair as he forcefully manipulated and used me for his needs.

He warned me when he was about to finish. I appreciated the warning, but I did not know then that he was giving me an option. I thought all girls swallowed. It is just what I was supposed to do. So, I took it in my mouth. Soon I would develop the techniques that allowed this to happen more gracefully, but this gagging first encounter was not the sexy doing I wished it to be. Nevertheless, as I sat up stiff-tongued, trying not to taste for fear of rejecting what remained in my mouth, I swallowed.

His reaction was my first clue that not all girls did this. He was amazed by me. I savored the sensations from all the endorphins running through me. His delight fed my own. I offered him a spirited smile and said nothing of what I found unsettling about just having had my face fucked. It was all so unexpected, but I already knew it was worth it.

I did not see Ale for a long time after that. But he had been helpful to my discovering the thing that became my signature through college. (I was so naive. It is a miracle I survived the 1980s.)

I was not the prettiest girl, not very talented, and not at all skilled socially. And even after more experience with sex, I wasn’t very good with men. I knew that. At first, finding sex with others to be a lot of work, I didn’t pursue men for classic sexual satisfaction. I alone could bring myself to near ecstasy with so little effort.  However, I discovered bringing pleasure to others was exhilarating. It was not for my orgasms but for this new and intoxicating gratification I found by offering myself completely for their desires.

Realizing that most girls did not do exactly what the boys wanted, I found my way. Willingness and desire to please guided my sexual development and experiences. I went wild, putting myself out there completely and openly in the pursuit of sexual pleasure. I became that naughty girl who would do anything. The one the boys would find at the end of the night when they didn’t get the girl they wanted at the party. In short time I had come so far from the inexperienced preacher’s kid that I had been just a few weeks ago. And I loved it.

This was the state of things my freshman year at the University of Florida when I began work on Gator Growl (the enormous student-run production detailed in Part 9). I performed on a float during the main presentation, but also had several other responsibilities. One of these was to log the extensive amount of video recorded at the event. I got this assignment because I said I worked in my high school AV department. I lied. I had no idea what I was doing.

My deception was motivated by a rumor I had heard about the guy who was in charge of the video project, and was the cameraman for much of what was recorded during the event. The rumor was enthralling and salacious. It was said that he had a two-way mirror in his bedroom, and he would let people watch when he had a girl in his room. Although I had not spoken to him for a while, I kind of knew that guy. It was Ale. And even though I thought this two-way mirror story couldn’t be true, I could not stop thinking about it. I became obsessed with the idea of Ale’s mirror and this sex show.

I wondered if my encounter with Ale in his car was an audition that I failed. This ate at me for days while I also became increasingly captivated by imagining these erotic performances for a secret crowd. I had to know if it was true. And if so, I was going to be a part of it.

I believed volunteering for the video project would mean working closely with Ale. I was right. We spent many hours together over several weeks. I started working my plan from the very beginning, hoping for the opportunity of a second audition for a role in Ale’s show. I wore my most revealing outfits (that I could get away with on campus). With this, and my exaggerated flirting, he soon realized my true interest was not in the video project.

To our second session in the video control room, I wore a top that barely contained my boobs. I thought it wouldn’t take much to encourage one of them out, which I hoped would focus his attention away from the video project. I had my hands in my lap, using my arms to squeeze my boobs together while leaning forward, pretending interest in what he was doing. I saw that one of my nipples was exposed and waited a while for him to notice. He finally did, while in mid-sentence, and lost his train of thought. That was all I needed. My patience had run out. I abruptly began removing his pants. Executing the improved techniques I had practiced over recent weeks, which included more than just the physical. I knew I still wasn’t very good with using my mouth in this way, so I added showmanship. Coquettish begging was most effective, and quite enjoyable for me as I had grown to take such pleasure in the reactions of the guys. I truly had developed a taste for it. And I am certain that this is what got an awkward nerdy girl invited to Ale’s apartment.

Ale had an apartment off campus. Most, if not all, of the building was occupied by students. On the way in we spent some time with his friends who were hanging out in the hallway. It was a large group that seemed to know each other well, but it was clear that I was now the center of attention. As I drank a beer they gave me, I started to get the feeling they were checking me out. Assessing the girl that Ale brought to the show tonight, I imagined.

When I entered Ale’s bedroom, I saw a large mirror on the wall above his dresser. My heart was pounding. Thinking the whole two-way mirror rumor may actually be true, I knew I should be appalled, but I was totally aroused. This was wrong, but I so wanted to be a part of it. Ale cleared off his bed and kicked some mess into the closet while I undressed. My focus was on the mirror. I wasn’t putting on a strip show, but I was trying to be sexy. If anyone was watching, they must have thought that I knew, or that I was really into myself. Just before turning my attention to Ale, I pushed my boobs up and stuck my tongue out at the mirror.

Ale expressed surprise that I was already naked. I had been so focused on my fascination with the two-way mirror that I had not let him work his moves or allow the evening to develop. So, I went with it and pushed him down on his bed. This changed the dynamic. I preferred to be submissive. But now, with Ale, I took on the dominant role and really gave it my all - while focusing on that mirror. I usually don’t like to be crude, but there is no better way to put it… I fucked him like people were watching.

I put all my energy and creativity into this experience, loudly vocalizing everything to making sure everyone in earshot knew what I was feeling and wanted to feel. Even though this was more of a performance than anything else, my elevated and aggressive efforts, combined with my thoughts of the people watching, brought me to a level I had not reached before, which resulted in the best sexual experience to that point in my life. The climax of which is one I do my best to repeat, even to this day. Wanting to put on the wildest and naughtiest show, when I felt him getting close, I loudly and repeatedly begged for him to cum inside me. This was incredible. It was there I learned how much I love to feel this commitment and release inside me. I want not only to feel him, but I want him to feel me. I often wrap my arms and legs around my lovers, as I did Ale that day, and keep them there long after they are finished. I want them to feel my contractions that go on long after they are finished. I love to feel the resistance of them inside me for as long as possible.

Over the next few weeks, I visited Ale’s room often and learned much more about my sexual self than at any other time in my early years.

The whole secret sex show idea, real or imagined, was bewitching. I found more evidence that it may be true. The people from next door were always hanging out in the hallway outside of his apartment. They were overly interested in me as I would come and go. Ale always left the lights on. I had found that the mirror was firmly attached to the wall, not just hanging. And there was an incident at my sorority house. One morning, while putting on my make-up in the bathroom mirror, one of my sisters (who didn’t like me) was next to me looking at herself in the mirror. She pushed her boobs up and stuck her tongue out at her reflection, then turned and walked away. That was my move! I had done that into Ale’s mirror several times.

I could not bring myself to just ask Ale or his friends about it. But I would engage his friends in conversation to see if they would reveal anything. I even tried to work my way into the neighboring apartment that was on the other side of Ale's bedroom wall. The door had been left open at one point when we were all hanging out in the hall. Several people were coming and going from that apartment. But my attempt failed. It seemed like they didn’t want me in there.

Eventually, Ale lost interest in me. I never became Lucy to his Desi, or even learned if the two-way mirror was true. My visits to the exhibition room came to an end. I thought I would one day hear about him getting caught with his mirror trick. But that never happened. Although, after too many drinks at a party, I was working my signature move on one of the guys from Ale’s apartment building. I asked him about the mirror rumor. He thought this was very funny, and said it was not true. But he told me Ale would videotape girls with his camera hidden in his closet. He had seen some of Ale’s tapes, although he said he had not seen me.

Today, I’m convinced there was no two-way mirror. The expense, construction, and overall logistics just don’t seem plausible. And these guys could have never kept that secret. I have since seen two-way mirrors. Those I saw were easy to spot. Hard to see who or what is on the other side, although easy to tell something is back there. But for an 18-year-old college freshman, those few weeks provided a rollicking and exhilarating mystery. A sexy erotic adventure. And maybe he still has a tape of that weird assertive girl that liked to tease his mirror, and was seemingly obsessed with her own reflection, while giving him her all.