Margot La Salle loathed her son-in-law with a passion. Why her darling Sarah had married him when she could have done so much better, she was at a loss to understand? He did something called ‘sales and marketing’ which to Margot sounded common, and barely a step up from a street stall. Surely he was some sort of ‘spiv’. He was making a lot of money, but it wasn’t from a decent source such as law or banking. These were things she understood. The last straw, as far as she was concerned, was when Alan had got this job based in Preston and suggested they move to the North West. She had managed to stop that happening; there was no way her angel was going to live so far away and not be under her protection.

Sarah was the perfect daughter. She was beautiful and talented in music and art, and she could bake the most divine pastries for Margot’s friends to admire and enjoy. There were many other things that she was very good at, and she and Alan loved exploring them together. Things of which Margot might think were ‘not nice at all’.

Alan Barnet tried his very best to get on with his mother-in-law, but she would never even meet him part way, let alone half way. He simply understood that she could not reconcile herself to losing her daughter. A thousand times he had listened to her saying how Sarah could have done so much better for herself. But he loved Sarah more than he could express, and when Margot wasn’t around they had so much fun.

Robert La Salle was mild and easy going. He had gone into his father’s law firm and, through genuine ability, he had eventually become senior partner. He wouldn’t say so out loud, but even he found Margot ‘difficult’. He loved their only child and wanted only the very best for her. Here he differed markedly from his wife, he thought Alan was the best. For one thing, he wasn’t cowed by Margot.

Elaine Barnet loved her son and she also loved Sarah. In fact Elaine loved everybody and only had less than kind words to say about two people; the new vicar and Margot.

So Alan and Sarah kept the house in Hinckley, Alan found a flat in Preston, coming down for weekends. The strains on them both soon began to tell as they went from a very highly active and spontaneous sex life, to a timetabled one.

“I’m sorry Al my love. You’ve been away three solid weeks and on your first day home my mother has invited herself for coffee. I’m really cross with her, but you know how she is. ‘No’ is a word only she’s allowed to use. Look I’ve bought you a bottle of Laphroaig as a treat, and when we’ve got rid of everyone we can get seriously wicked as well.”

“It’s alright sweetie, I understand and I promise to behave. Thanks for inviting my Mum too; we won’t be quite as outnumbered. I hope she’s the first one to arrive.”

“Oh she will be darling, I asked her to make sure she was here soon after ten. That way she will be well ensconced before Mummy gets here.”

“That should put her nose out of joint a bit,” said Alan. “Have you any idea at all what your Mum wants to say to us that’s so important? Maybe she’s been accepted by the Foreign Legion to terrify new recruits.”

“Oh come on Al, she’s not quite that bad. Look there’s a taxi outside; your Mum is obviously expecting us to get the Harvey’s out later, I got plenty in.”

They both welcomed Elaine who immediately threw her old woolly cardigan over the back of the high backed armchair and sealed her claim to it with her handbag. It was Margot’s favourite chair as it raised its occupant higher than everyone else.

“I only ever wear this when I’m likely to meet your Mum dear. She hates it; that and me calling her Marg. Is that very wicked of me?”

“No Elaine it isn’t; it’s like having a secret ally in the room. I’ve got the coffee on the go but they’re not due for at least half an hour.”

Margot and Robert were actually only two miles away at that moment. Margot had decided that it would be more effective to catch her wretched son-in-law off his guard.

“She has to be told Robert, and that is that! It will be painful I know, but she’ll thank me later on. That philanderer has been found out. I can’t wait to see his face and hear what pathetic story he tries to come up with. The evidence is all too clear.”

“Dearest, I really am not sure about this, and I’m not sure the ‘evidence’ would stand up in court.”

“Nonsense Robert I don’t want to hear another word from you on the subject. Now! Look where you’re driving and mind the roundabout.”

“Stand by the repel boarders,” shouted Elaine, “they’re early.” Guard my chair Alan. I’ll open the door and greet them, that’ll spill the wind from her mainsail.”

“Helloooo Marg and hellooo Robert darling. Lovely to see you both. Mwaa! Mwaa!”

“Elaine, I er I wasn’t expecting you to be here.”

“Marg love, I haven’t seen my lovely boy for three weeks and when I heard there was going to be a coffee party, I invited myself in. The kids are in the kitchen getting things ready. Come in and make yourselves comfy, they won’t be a minute.”

Sarah and Elaine served the coffee all round keeping up a steady chatter to shut Margot out. They had taken in the extreme discomfort that Robert seemed to be in, as well as the mounting frustration evident in Margot.

“It’s probably as well that you are here too Elaine, to hear what has to be said. Sarah my treasure this is going to come as a horrid shock to you we know, but I’ll look after you darling, don’t worry. We’ve put some suitcases in the car and we can take you back home with us which will be best.”

Both Alan and Sarah were rendered speechless for a moment, and just looked at each other.

Elaine steepled her fingers and smiled sweetly in a manner of a tigress about to defend one of her cubs. Robert was praying for a direct hit by a meteorite within the next ten seconds.

“You’re husband has been discovered my darling. He has been having an affair with another woman behind your back. Don’t you try and deny it you good for nothing philanderer.”

“What on earth are you talking about woman? I am certainly not having an affair with anyone and Sarah is going nowhere.”

Alan was fighting to keep his voice under control. Sarah was looking horrified.

“Would you like to tell me who I am supposed to be having this affair with? What on earth has given you this ridiculous idea? I put up with you in this house Marg out of respect for the fact that you’re my mother-in-law, but you are pushing things now.”

“Hah!” snorted Margot. “I want to hear...”

“Mummy stop this! I don’t believe a word of what you’re saying.”

“Well let us hear what he has to say about the evidence shall we darling. You are too trusting my angel, you thought he has been up in Preston all this last three weeks. Explain then Alan this photograph of your car outside the George Hotel in Stamford ten days ago. It was there all night Alan, while you and your trollop were inside committing your disgusting acts.”

Alan felt as if he had been kicked in the stomach and his heart was thumping in his chest. Elaine sat very still looking between her son and his wife and then to the spiteful, hateful Margot. Robert stared at the carpet. Sarah had gone white as a sheet.

“Look at him,” shrieked Margot, “he hasn’t got a thing to say for himself. Look at his…”

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” screamed Sarah standing up and holding her head in her hands.

“Sarah, angel – Mummy will take care…”

“I said shut up and I mean fucking shut up Mother,” screamed Sarah, into the utterly astounded and uncomprehending face of Margot.

Alan broke out of his shocked reverie and took his sobbing wife in his arms, and hugged her tightly to him.

“Sarah my darling I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul and that will never, ever change, remember that. Come into the kitchen with me for a minute.”

“Ha!” shouted Margot, “even now he has the gall to…”

“Silence you stupid woman!” shouted Alan. “Mum, make sure she doesn’t leave that chair please. Come along my darling, we’re going to have a moment to ourselves.”

Alan gently ushered his wife toward the semi privacy of the kitchen, and closed the door behind them.

“Marg, if you attempt to follow them I will simply floor you I promise,” said Elaine. “We will wait here quietly for as long as it takes.”

Margot turned to her husband for support but his own look was as implacable as Elaine’s. They only had to wait seven minutes, Elaine had checked her watch at the start, before a more cheerful looking Alan emerged carrying a glass.

“I know it’s early in the day,” he said, “but I’m having a Laphroaig. Sarah’s bringing you a large sherry Mum. What about you Robert – a wee dram? Marg? Domestos and tonic water perhaps?”

“I’ll join you in a glass if I may Alan? Margot can drive us back, she kept giving me instructions all the way here anyway. Obviously she doesn’t want me as a chauffeur at the moment.”

Margot glared at him but remained quiet.

“Darling,” called Alan, “a large Laphroaig for your Dad please; your mother will be driving them home, so don’t be mean.”

A minute later Sarah re-entered carrying two drinks.

“Here you are Daddy, enjoy,” said Sarah ignoring her mother entirely. “Elaine, I am so glad you are here for us. We’re both going to need you.”

“I understand darling – I shall be for you both, whatever you need me to be.”

Margot was shocked to realise that she was being excluded. How could the horrible man have so charmed her beautiful innocent?

“I have to say something to you all,” said Sarah, “and I have to do so publicly. I have to admit my shame. Elaine knows that Alan did not have his car with him and so has guessed some of the truth. He left me his car because mine was going in for a new gearbox and things. Yes Mother, you were right – it was his car outside the George all night, but he was not inside with a ‘trollop’ as you so nicely put it. It was me in bed with an ex boyfriend.”

“I have been utterly stupid and I have betrayed my wonderful and loving husband. We are going to have a painful journey, but some things are obvious. Our living apart does not work. I shall give my notice in to the library on Monday and move to join him, wherever that might be, as quickly as possible. This house goes on the market immediately.”

“Mother, you will never interfere or attempt to run my life for me again. You will never even have the opportunity. You jumped to some conclusions in the hope that you might drive Alan and me apart. You have driven the two of us apart Mother, by stopping me from moving to Preston in the first place. You will not be welcomed into this house again.”

“Alan my darling, when Mother and Daddy have left I want Elaine to help us have some of our conversation. Then Elaine, we will call you a taxi and Alan and I will go up to our bedroom. Today my love, I am going to give you the finest blowjob you’ve ever had in your life. After you have shot your load all over my face I shall suck you until you are hard again. Then I would like you to shove that beautiful dick of yours right up my arse!”

Elaine would forever after rejoice in the panoply of expressions that played out over Margot’s face. So would Robert, but more privately in his case.