Ok. to add to a few points I've seen here.
It is possible to have a D/s relationship online, I have seen many who do have it exclusively online, and for some it is a good way to experiment and see if they will like it, the problem you have to be careful of, is some only want to live out a fantasy, but others live the lifestyle on a more permanent basis, whether this be 24/7 or, like sprite, on occasion but still not limited to the bedroom. There are some who have started out online and found the perfect Dom/me or sub for them, and have met up in real life.
My personal view, is it is preferable to be together in real life, but online has some advantages too, for example you can test out new things and it is easier to stop it if you don't like it, also, if either side is getting uncomfortable with the relationship, whatever the reason, it is easier to get out and away, I'd like to say it doesn't happen, but some do feel the relationship has gone somewhere they are uncomfortable with and want out. This is easy online, but in the real world, and I am very sorry to say this happens, but on occasion one side will not let the other go, this happens with subs, but is most common in Dom/me's, they feel they still own the sub and wont leave them alone, like I said, this can happen with a sub but is less common.
A point Jersey brought up, I too have seen Dom/me's jump on and proclaim they are looking for a sub to collar, while I know this isn't always the case, but often people who say that do not understand the relationship, they are often of the belief that being a Dom/me is easy and means you get to have someone to live out any fantasy you want for you. This is NOT true, and idea's like that are why this lifestyle still brings up bad images to those who don't understand it.
Being collared is a big deal to a sub, I waited a long time before I actually gave my sub a collar from me, if you read my stories you'll see she did wear a collar that she already owned, but what I didn't add in my story to save time, and space was we talked for a very long time about it, what we wanted, our limits and other things before she put that one on, and it wasn't even my collar, that one was hers, I waited for so long to give her mine because I wanted to make sure that we both wanted it.
Those that truly just want a Dom/me straight away to collar them, or when a Dom/me wants to collar a sub straight away are, I am sad to say, often trying to fill a gap, for example if a Dom/me had a sub that left, or a sub had a Dom/me that left, they may rush into another relationship to fill that hole, sometimes this works out, but often not.
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MistressS
Over 90 days ago
Lesbian Female, 34
Forum
Advanced Wordsmith
Ok, today's topic from me: Punishments. I've been asked about them a few times and seems a good point to add after sprite's and felinus's posts.
To begin with, a punishment does not mean a Dom/me is abusing their sub, it is done to help the sub be a better person and follow their rules better, as I said before, most Dom/me's hate having to punish their subs. Also, some believe punishments are too harsh from some Dom/me's, or too light, what is most important here is, everyone is different, and as such, punishments need to be different.
As I see it, there are two main categories of:
1. Physical: These will usually take the form of spanking, with various methods such as hands, paddles, belts or whips for example, it is very important a Dom/me knows how far they can go with these, push a sub too far with their punishments and they will either resent or fear you, which is definitely not how the relationship should be (This is the complicated bit, often a sub will, or should, be scared of punishments, this keeps them from wanting to incur them, but they should NOT fear the Dom/me, that alone is enough to destroy the trust and faith, that as others have said, is the cornerstone of the relationship.
2.Non-physical: These are usually what is used by many I know, and myself. As sprite has said, these will usually involve taking something the sub likes, for my sub that means, like sprite, she is put in time out for however long I feel she has earned, and she is to stay there till I call her out. Another that sprite mentioned is orgasm denial, these may be harder to implement if a Dom/me still wants to play with their sub but if you can use it, it is a very effective punishment. It may seem harsh to some, but as I have said before, it is to teach the sub to be a better person and is ultimately for their benefit. Often a having break will give the sub time to relax, and to think.
As a personal point I'll add here from what my pet has told me, and others, when a sub is being punished it is not the punishment its self that hurts the most, it is the thought that they have upset their Dom/me and made them have to punish them. When my pet is in time out, or receiving any punishment for that matter, I feel terrible, all I want to do is hold her and assure her I am not upset with her, but I know she needs the punishment, and I need to give it.
As she has explained it to me, it's like the punishment is a way to redeem herself for having misbehaved or broken a rule, she needs it to feel she has been forgiven, if I were to let her get away with what she has done she would feel guilty.
On a leaving note, as others have said, both Dom/me and sub should have safe words, and if a punishment is getting too much for a sub they should use their. However, a sub must understand, they are being punished for a reason, they should not just use their safe word to get out of it because they don't want to be punished. That is not what the word is for, it should be used if they are being pushed too far, but not simply because they are being punished. (Yes, this is complicated)
To begin with, a punishment does not mean a Dom/me is abusing their sub, it is done to help the sub be a better person and follow their rules better, as I said before, most Dom/me's hate having to punish their subs. Also, some believe punishments are too harsh from some Dom/me's, or too light, what is most important here is, everyone is different, and as such, punishments need to be different.
As I see it, there are two main categories of:
1. Physical: These will usually take the form of spanking, with various methods such as hands, paddles, belts or whips for example, it is very important a Dom/me knows how far they can go with these, push a sub too far with their punishments and they will either resent or fear you, which is definitely not how the relationship should be (This is the complicated bit, often a sub will, or should, be scared of punishments, this keeps them from wanting to incur them, but they should NOT fear the Dom/me, that alone is enough to destroy the trust and faith, that as others have said, is the cornerstone of the relationship.
2.Non-physical: These are usually what is used by many I know, and myself. As sprite has said, these will usually involve taking something the sub likes, for my sub that means, like sprite, she is put in time out for however long I feel she has earned, and she is to stay there till I call her out. Another that sprite mentioned is orgasm denial, these may be harder to implement if a Dom/me still wants to play with their sub but if you can use it, it is a very effective punishment. It may seem harsh to some, but as I have said before, it is to teach the sub to be a better person and is ultimately for their benefit. Often a having break will give the sub time to relax, and to think.
As a personal point I'll add here from what my pet has told me, and others, when a sub is being punished it is not the punishment its self that hurts the most, it is the thought that they have upset their Dom/me and made them have to punish them. When my pet is in time out, or receiving any punishment for that matter, I feel terrible, all I want to do is hold her and assure her I am not upset with her, but I know she needs the punishment, and I need to give it.
As she has explained it to me, it's like the punishment is a way to redeem herself for having misbehaved or broken a rule, she needs it to feel she has been forgiven, if I were to let her get away with what she has done she would feel guilty.
On a leaving note, as others have said, both Dom/me and sub should have safe words, and if a punishment is getting too much for a sub they should use their. However, a sub must understand, they are being punished for a reason, they should not just use their safe word to get out of it because they don't want to be punished. That is not what the word is for, it should be used if they are being pushed too far, but not simply because they are being punished. (Yes, this is complicated)
Advanced Wordsmith
I've been asked to make this topic before, and with some recent events I sadly feel it is needed.
This thread is for people new to this lifestyle, those who just want to learn more about it and, hopefully, help those who have the wrong view of it to understand better.
I welcome any dom/mes and subs to give their own views on things as well, and also for anyone to ask any questions you may have, I or another member will try to answer them.
To begin with, I'll try to dispel some wrong views people have about BDSM.
1. Being part of BDSM is not a mental problem, it is a lifestyle choice that people enjoy and does NOT mean there is anything wrong with them.
2. A very important point is everything done in BDSM should be safe and consensual. Anyone involved must be aware and agree to what they want to happen and must be safe about how they go about it.
3. It is not only about pain, the letters stand for (Bondage and Discipline) (Domination and Submission) (Sadism) and (Masochism), while some may enjoy pain, this is only part of BDSM and is not done by all, from most I know, those that do enjoy pleasure through pain is actually the minority of the group.
3.1. I should add here, pain may be used as part of punishments if a sub breaks their rules, a Dom/me will usually not enjoy having to really punish their sub, but it is necessary, but is NOT the only thing the relationship is about.
4. ALWAYS respect and abide by the rules given to a sub by their Dom/me, NEVER ask them to break these rules, and especially NEVER ask them to leave their Dom/me, that is just wrong and if you do, the Dom/me is perfectly in their right to warn you off and tell their sub to never speak to you again, and will likely give your name to other Dom/mes and subs to warn them as well, we in the lifestyle look out for each other.
5. Unless a sub is your sub, or you have express permission from the sub if they are unowned or a subs Dom/me if they are, you should NEVER try to dominate or try to play with them, it will not be received well. And if a sub is owned it is best not to ask their Dom/me to 'borrow' them as it were, almost every Dom/me will say no and may take offence.
That is all from me for now, I will leave any other points for others to add here, I hope people will read this and better understand our lifestyle, thank you to those who do.
This thread is for people new to this lifestyle, those who just want to learn more about it and, hopefully, help those who have the wrong view of it to understand better.
I welcome any dom/mes and subs to give their own views on things as well, and also for anyone to ask any questions you may have, I or another member will try to answer them.
To begin with, I'll try to dispel some wrong views people have about BDSM.
1. Being part of BDSM is not a mental problem, it is a lifestyle choice that people enjoy and does NOT mean there is anything wrong with them.
2. A very important point is everything done in BDSM should be safe and consensual. Anyone involved must be aware and agree to what they want to happen and must be safe about how they go about it.
3. It is not only about pain, the letters stand for (Bondage and Discipline) (Domination and Submission) (Sadism) and (Masochism), while some may enjoy pain, this is only part of BDSM and is not done by all, from most I know, those that do enjoy pleasure through pain is actually the minority of the group.
3.1. I should add here, pain may be used as part of punishments if a sub breaks their rules, a Dom/me will usually not enjoy having to really punish their sub, but it is necessary, but is NOT the only thing the relationship is about.
4. ALWAYS respect and abide by the rules given to a sub by their Dom/me, NEVER ask them to break these rules, and especially NEVER ask them to leave their Dom/me, that is just wrong and if you do, the Dom/me is perfectly in their right to warn you off and tell their sub to never speak to you again, and will likely give your name to other Dom/mes and subs to warn them as well, we in the lifestyle look out for each other.
5. Unless a sub is your sub, or you have express permission from the sub if they are unowned or a subs Dom/me if they are, you should NEVER try to dominate or try to play with them, it will not be received well. And if a sub is owned it is best not to ask their Dom/me to 'borrow' them as it were, almost every Dom/me will say no and may take offence.
That is all from me for now, I will leave any other points for others to add here, I hope people will read this and better understand our lifestyle, thank you to those who do.