Ways to Avoid Repetition of “I” in First-Person Writing

10 Jul 2019

The following is excerpted from: https://kathysteinemann.com/Musings/i-i-i/

First-person narrative engages people in a way they don’t experience with second and third person. Readers see the world from your narrator’s perspective, including intimate thoughts and feelings. However, it’s easy to overplay constructions such as I did this and I thought that and I wanted something else.

Many people claim the I, I, I approach is permissible because I is an invisible word like said.

Don’t believe them.

Prose or poetry with an overabundance of the same words or structures will seem off. Readers might not be able to tell you what’s wrong, but they know they’re unsettled by something.

Consider the following two story snippets.

1. I answered the irresistible beckoning of the backyard. I watched brightly colored birds there frolicking in the breeze as they fluttered toward the creek. I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of the sun. I smelled the fragrance of the clover underneath my feet, a fragrance so sweet I could almost taste it. I heard fledgling robins twittering in a nearby tree.

I thought to myself, This is the life. I knew I never wanted to leave this place.

I decided to phone the real estate agent and tell her to take the FOR SALE sign off my lawn. She acted as though she had expected my call.

I told her in a firm voice that my mind was made up, and yes, I understood she would still receive her full commission.

I realized I didn’t care about the money.

2. The backyard beckoned with its irresistible sights and sounds. Frolicking in the breeze, brightly colored birds fluttered toward the creek. The sun warmed my closed eyelids, and my nostrils were flooded by the sweet fragrance of clover underneath my feet, a fragrance so sweet it almost sugared the taste buds. In a nearby tree, fledgling robins twittered.

This is the life. Who in their right mind would ever leave this place?

The real estate agent acted as though she had expected my call when asked to take the FOR SALE sign off the lawn.

My voice was firm. “Yes, my mind is made up. … Understood. … You’ll still receive your full commission.”

Hah! Who cares about the money?

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10 Jul 2019

Nice! I often find myself applying this technique (though not eradicating 'I' entirely: it has its place) at the expense of having to find inventive ways to avoid using the passive voice too much.

My standard trick is to comb through the story after I've hammered it down and look for any occurrences of words like:

1) felt / feel
2) heard / hear
3) saw / see

And remove them by rewording that sentence in a more direct manner:

I heard her soft moans and felt myself hardening.

becomes something like:

Her soft moans thrilled me, hardening my cock.

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10 Jul 2019

Quote by Kee
The following is excerpted from: https://kathysteinemann.com/Musings/i-i-i/

First-person narrative engages people in a way they don’t experience with second and third person. Readers see the world from your narrator’s perspective, including intimate thoughts and feelings. However, it’s easy to overplay constructions such as I did this and I thought that and I wanted something else.

Many people claim the I, I, I approach is permissible because I is an invisible word like said.

Don’t believe them.

Thanks, Kee. Great post.

This is something that has never occurred to me. I have a first-person story almost ready to upload and decided to give it a read through in light of what I have just picked up from this thread. My-oh-my. Was I shocked to see how much I could re-phrase!

Again, thanks for the heads up.

10 Jul 2019

The second example also expands more on showing than telling, paramount to a well-written story. Great post!

EDIT: and great advice, WW!

11 Jul 2019

Quote by Kee
The following is excerpted from: https://kathysteinemann.com/Musings/i-i-i/

etcetera.

I have never seen this spelt out like this. Excellent advice. Excess repetition can cause me to drop one or even two points from a score.

Quote by Kee
The real estate agent acted as though she had expected my call when asked to take the FOR SALE sign off the lawn.

This sentence, while much improved, feels strained.

Quote by Kee
My voice was firm. “Yes, my mind is made up. … Understood. … You’ll still receive your full commission.”

Quotes can be very effective. And you have no idea how much I appreciate seeing ellipses done right.

Quote by WannabeWordsmith
Her soft moans thrilled my hardening cock.

Get that thing away from me.

Looks like we're in for a nasty spell of wether.

Gracie Goes To Hollywood's - True

The Night They Tried to Close RUMPLATIONS Bar (with JamesLlewellyn)

11 Jul 2019

Speaking of ellipses, since I am in the company of such great writers, I would like some advice.

I wrote:

Quote by Grace
"Prague? Are you serious?" "This had better be worth my while." "A man? You want me to fly halfway around the world to meet a man?" "If he tries to touch me I expect you to bail me out." "Okay. Make sure there's a driver waiting for me at the airport." "Ah go fuck yourself." "Yes dear, I know you will." Slam!!!

Is that good? Is this better?

Quote by Grace
"Prague? Are you serious? ... This had better be worth my while. ... A man? You want me to fly halfway around the world to meet a man? ... If he tries to touch me I expect you to bail me out. ... Okay. Make sure there's a driver waiting for me at the airport. ... Ah go fuck yourself. ... Yes dear, I know you will." Slam!!!

Looks like we're in for a nasty spell of wether.

Gracie Goes To Hollywood's - True

The Night They Tried to Close RUMPLATIONS Bar (with JamesLlewellyn)

11 Jul 2019

Quote by GraceW
Speaking of ellipses, since I am in the company of such great writers, I would like some advice.

Grace wrote:
"Prague? Are you serious?" "This had better be worth my while." "A man? You want me to fly halfway around the world to meet a man?" "If he tries to touch me I expect you to bail me out." "Okay. Make sure there's a driver waiting for me at the airport." "Ah go fuck yourself." "Yes dear, I know you will." Slam!!!

Is that good? Is this better?

"Prague? Are you serious? ... This had better be worth my while. ... A man? You want me to fly halfway around the world to meet a man? ... If he tries to touch me I expect you to bail me out. ... Okay. Make sure there's a driver waiting for me at the airport. ... Ah go fuck yourself. ... Yes dear, I know you will." Slam!!!
[/Quote]

Hi Grace. I’m certainly no expert when it comes to writing and I’ll be the first to admit it. I would like to offer my thoughts about your two submissions, then I’ll sit back and see what some of the very talented authors have to say.

Referring to your first version, I would not enclose every sentence within quote marks as you have done. When I read that, I kept wondering who the second speaker was. Of course, there is only one person, or you would have split the dialogue into separate paragraphs. I found this to be very distracting.

My choice for the best version would be the second one, simply because you wrote it with only one set of quote marks. What I question here is was it necessary to use any ellipses? I could be wrong, but my understanding of their use is to show a pause in the dialogue. Thinking about the way a person would speak, would they pause after every sentence? There could be a hesitation after the word ‘serious’. Like the use of the word ‘I’ in the original poster comments, I think they are overused here. As I read these words, I found my eyes lingering on each ellipse, which broke the smooth flow of the words. I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s never a good idea to have anything that distracts the reader’s attention.

Okay, that’s my two cents for whatever it’s worth, and as you know, a penny isn’t worth much these days. I’m anxious to read other people’s comments.

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11 Jul 2019

Quote by GraceW
Speaking of ellipses, since I am in the company of such great writers, I would like some advice.

Hi Grace, Glad you found this helpful. As to using ellipses-- They really have two basic uses: One is to show the omission of a word, phrase, line, paragraph, or more from a quoted passage. In fiction, this is the least used. The second is to express hesitation, changes of mood, suspense, or thoughts trailing off. Writers also use ellipses to indicate a pause or wavering in an otherwise straightforward sentence. For example: I don't know… I'm not sure. Pride is one thing, but what happens if she…? He said, "I… really don't… understand this."

The examples were taken from https://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation_rules.asp where you will find very good info on all punctuation/grammar. Hope this helps.

My Festive Flash competition story was I recently published-- https://www.lushstories.com/stories/incest-fantasy/driving-home-for-christmas Hope you read and enjoy it! Don't forget to comment. ☺️

11 Jul 2019

Quote by LikeToWrite

Hi Grace. I’m certainly no expert when it comes to writing and I’ll be the first to admit it. I would like to offer my thoughts about your two submissions, then I’ll sit back and see what some of the very talented authors have to say.

Referring to your first version, I would not enclose every sentence within quote marks as you have done. When I read that, I kept wondering who the second speaker was. Of course, there is only one person, or you would have split the dialogue into separate paragraphs. I found this to be very distracting.

My choice for the best version would be the second one, simply because you wrote it with only one set of quote marks. What I question here is was it necessary to use any ellipses? I could be wrong, but my understanding of their use is to show a pause in the dialogue. Thinking about the way a person would speak, would they pause after every sentence? There could be a hesitation after the word ‘serious’. Like the use of the word ‘I’ in the original poster comments, I think they are overused here. As I read these words, I found my eyes lingering on each ellipse, which broke the smooth flow of the words. I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s never a good idea to have anything that distracts the reader’s attention.

Okay, that’s my two cents for whatever it’s worth, and as you know, a penny isn’t worth much these days. I’m anxious to read other people’s comments.

That was the opening paragraph of a first-person narrative. What you are hearing is one side of a telephone conversation, you can't hear my boss. Technically each set of quotes is a paragraph, but that seemed excessive as I was writing it. Thinking about it, you are right, the ellipses are distracting. I had to do something, though.

Looks like we're in for a nasty spell of wether.

Gracie Goes To Hollywood's - True

The Night They Tried to Close RUMPLATIONS Bar (with JamesLlewellyn)

11 Jul 2019

Quote by WannabeWordsmith
Nice! I often find myself applying this technique (though not eradicating 'I' entirely: it has its place) at the expense of having to find inventive ways to avoid using the passive voice too much.

My standard trick is to comb through the story after I've hammered it down and look for any occurrences of words like:

1) felt / feel
2) heard / hear
3) saw / see

Great thread. I don't write in first person often, but I'm sure that is a mistake I would/will make. Thanks, Kee!

WW - Great advice. I spend SO MUCH FRIKKIN TIME rewriting passive voice into something more active. It's a real weak spot for me, and it's frustrating.

Grace, I like the ellipses-less version better too. Cleaner. I don't use them often, just when someone is cut off, or someone who trails off when talking.

12 Jul 2019

Quote by Verbal

I don't use them often, just when someone is cut off, or someone who trails off when talking.

Ditto.

On "I", I try to avoid overusing it but, at the same time, passive voice is my greater sin so I tend to err on the side of "I" if it cuts down on my use of passive voice.

12 Jul 2019

Quote by GraceW

"Prague? Are you serious? ... This had better be worth my while. ... A man? You want me to fly halfway around the world to meet a man? ... If he tries to touch me I expect you to bail me out. ... Okay. Make sure there's a driver waiting for me at the airport. ... Ah go fuck yourself. ... Yes dear, I know you will." Slam!!!

:

I love ellipses and (over)use them quite often, but this is a bit over the top. Could you space it out a bit with some description (which makes the reader pause a bit)? And/or cut down the number of different phrases?

E.g.

"Prague? Are you serious?" Her expression turned sour as she listened. "A man? You want me to fly halfway around the world to meet a man? If he tries to touch me I expect you to bail me out." She sat stony-faced for a few seconds, then sighed. "Okay. Make sure there's a driver waiting for me at the airport... Ah go fuck yourself." She managed a wry smile. "Yes dear, I know you will." Slam!!!

Not sure if that's an improvement or not, but it's maybe something to think about.

And a big thanks to Kee for the initial post - I like first person, I write in it often and I need to watch out for excessive use of 'I'. d'oh!

13 Jul 2019

Quote by PhilU

My :

I love ellipses and (over)use them quite often, but this is a bit over the top. Could you space it out a bit with some description (which makes the reader pause a bit)? And/or cut down the number of different phrases?

E.g.

"Prague? Are you serious?" Her expression turned sour as she listened. "A man? You want me to fly halfway around the world to meet a man? If he tries to touch me I expect you to bail me out." She sat stony-faced for a few seconds, then sighed. "Okay. Make sure there's a driver waiting for me at the airport... Ah go fuck yourself." She managed a wry smile. "Yes dear, I know you will." Slam!!!

Not sure if that's an improvement or not, but it's maybe something to think about.

And a big thanks to Kee for the initial post - I like first person, I write in it often and I need to watch out for excessive use of 'I'.

I am telling the story in the first person. It starts with a telephone conversation, of which you, the reader/listener, can only hear one side. When I write flash I do not include extra words. You do not need to know my expression. All you need is what I said, and an indication of when he was speaking.I agree the ellipses are excessive.

I am wondering if there is a better way to do it than the method I used.

Quote by Grace
"Prague? Are you serious?" "This had better be worth my while." "A man? You want me to fly halfway around the world to meet a man?"

This might have been the right way.

Quote by Grace
"Prague? Are you serious?"

"This had better be worth my while."

"A man? You want me to fly halfway around the world to meet a man?"

I don't like it.

Looks like we're in for a nasty spell of wether.

Gracie Goes To Hollywood's - True

The Night They Tried to Close RUMPLATIONS Bar (with JamesLlewellyn)

13 Jul 2019

Excellent thread, with some great advice. It seems to have gotten a conversation started, which is always good.

13 Jul 2019

Quote by GraceW

I am telling the story in the first person. It starts with a telephone conversation, of which you, the reader/listener, can only hear one side. When I write flash I do not include extra words. You do not need to know my expression. All you need is what I said, and an indication of when he was speaking.I agree the ellipses are excessive.

I am wondering if there is a better way to do it than the method I used.

Okay, flash makes everything harder. I was just suggesting that if punctuation doesn't make it clear what's going on, then words might be needed. I don't need to know any more, but I am clearly still a little confused just reading what you've written (regardless of punctuation).

Also, one thing that is often hard with first-person is - why is the narrator, who can obviously hear the other side of the conversation, not telling us about it? We're not a distant listener; we're in her head. I can understand that you (the author) don't want to tell us both sides. But... maybe third-person would work better here? My 2 cents

Quote by Lauradj
Excellent thread, with some great advice. It seems to have gotten a conversation started, which is always good.

Yes, and it's good to actually have a conversation about writing... this being a story site, after all.

13 Jul 2019

Quote by LucaByDesign

Thanks, Kee. Great post.

This is something that has never occurred to me. I have a first-person story almost ready to upload and decided to give it a read through in light of what I have just picked up from this thread. My-oh-my. Was I shocked to see how much I could re-phrase!

Again, thanks for the heads up.

Just a note to say that the story I mentioned above is now live. It's long one at over 8K words, but if anyone has the time I'd be interested to hear if I got the balance right with ref to this post.

I did go through it after reading Kee's post, re-writing loads of sentences to rid them of the dreaded I word — and then put some of them back on re-reading. Sometimes the only way is to say, I . . .

https://www.lushstories.com/stories/occupations/-found-footage-.aspx

13 Jul 2019

Quote by PhilU

Okay, flash makes everything harder. I was just suggesting that if punctuation doesn't make it clear what's going on, then words might be needed. I don't need to know any more, but I am clearly still a little confused just reading what you've written (regardless of punctuation).

Also, one thing that is often hard with first-person is - why is the narrator, who can obviously hear the other side of the conversation, not telling us about it? We're not a distant listener; we're in her head. I can understand that you (the author) don't want to tell us both sides. But... maybe third-person would work better here?

Damn, hoist on my own petard. I have a nasty habit of assuming that because I know what is going on my reader must also know.

The protagonist in my story had me write it as she told it to me, She started by letting me hear her on the phone. I never heard the other side, so I have no idea what her boss said.

Looks like we're in for a nasty spell of wether.

Gracie Goes To Hollywood's - True

The Night They Tried to Close RUMPLATIONS Bar (with JamesLlewellyn)

14 Jul 2019

Personally, I worry less about eliminating the word, and more about limiting how many times it is the beginning of a sentence in succession. That's what's visually jarring. ( Applies to any word, really, but names, pronouns, etc. are the most common repetitions ) It sticks out when it begins several sentences in a row. Anywhere else in the sentence, the eye passes right over it without so much of a speed bump. The same applies to having it start multiple paragraphs in a row, when you're writing with the shorter paragraphs suited to reading on a screen.

If you go overboard with eliminating the word, it doesn't come off as natural. To me, the goal is to keep the narrative sounding as much like natural speech as possible, while making it more visually appealing.

I'm talking about natural "storytelling" speech, which is a different animal from conversational speech to begin with.

Good Will ---|--- You Serious?

19 Jul 2019

Quote by RejectReality
Personally, I worry less about eliminating the word, and more about limiting how many times it is the beginning of a sentence in succession. That's what's visually jarring. ( Applies to any word, really, but names, pronouns, etc. are the most common repetitions ) It sticks out when it begins several sentences in a row. Anywhere else in the sentence, the eye passes right over it without so much of a speed bump. The same applies to having it start multiple paragraphs in a row, when you're writing with the shorter paragraphs suited to reading on a screen.

If you go overboard with eliminating the word, it doesn't come off as natural. To me, the goal is to keep the narrative sounding as much like natural speech as possible, while making it more visually appealing.

I'm talking about natural "storytelling" speech, which is a different animal from conversational speech to begin with.

Well put.

19 Jul 2019

Quote by GraceW

Damn, hoist on my own petard. I have a nasty habit of assuming that because I know what is going on my reader must also know.
<snip>

I had to laugh at this, I am always doing this...it's clear in my head. What? are you stupid, why you can't read my mind? Whistle

Quote by RejectReality
Personally, I worry less about eliminating the word, and more about limiting how many times it is the beginning of a sentence in succession. That's what's visually jarring. ( Applies to any word, really, but names, pronouns, etc. are the most common repetitions ) It sticks out when it begins several sentences in a row. Anywhere else in the sentence, the eye passes right over it without so much of a speed bump. The same applies to having it start multiple paragraphs in a row, when you're writing with the shorter paragraphs suited to reading on a screen.

If you go overboard with eliminating the word, it doesn't come off as natural. To me, the goal is to keep the narrative sounding as much like natural speech as possible, while making it more visually appealing.

I'm talking about natural "storytelling" speech, which is a different animal from conversational speech to begin with.

This is more the direction I follow, alternatively I am sometimes a bit of a bugger and will purposely start sentences with the same word, but then this is of course a conscious thing done for effect.

Great thread and some great ideas, thanks all.

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19 Jul 2019

Write in the third person. smile

@Lizerotica

19 Jul 2019

Quote by GraceW

Damn, hoist on my own petard. I have a nasty habit of assuming that because I know what is going on my reader must also know.

The protagonist in my story had me write it as she told it to me, She started by letting me hear her on the phone. I never heard the other side, so I have no idea what her boss said.

I didn't mean to do any hoisting. Maybe most others weren't confused... and, actually, confusing the reader a bit early on is fine (and certainly better than spending a few paragraphs spelling out what's going on instead of launching into it).

But I think having a first-person narrator and not being told half of a conversation would offend this person: https://medium.com/@verakurian/withholding-information-is-not-a-good-writing-technique-994caf6a0761 (Sorry all, Lush doesn't seem to like that like... people might have to cut and paste it). Although, I think the last story I managed to finish on here might too...

Quote by Liz
Write in the third person.

Sure...

He answered the irresistible beckoning of the backyard. He watched brightly colored birds there frolicking in the breeze as they fluttered toward the creek. He closed his eyes and felt the warmth of the sun. He smelled the fragrance of the clover underneath his feet, a fragrance so sweet he could almost taste it. He heard fledgling robins twittering in a nearby tree.

etc

I can write badly from any point of view. :)

19 Jul 2019

Quote by PhilU
I can write badly from any point of view.

Phil answered the irresistible beckoning of the backyard. Brightly colored birds frolicked in the breeze as they fluttered their way toward the winding creek. He closed his eyes and felt the warmth of the sun on his skin. The delicate scent of the clover underneath his bare feet teased his senses. The fragrance was so sweet he could almost taste it on his tongue. Fledgling robins twittered their chourused song in a nearby tree as he stretched his arms high above his head and farted loudly.

"God damnit, Phil!" shouted his neighbour from an open upstairs window. "Stop farting like an airhorn! And put some fucking clothes on!"

thumbup

@Lizerotica

19 Jul 2019

Quote by Liz
Write in the third person.

I don't know about anyone else, but I rarely have a choice. I often don't write, I take dictation. My characters tell me what to put. When I am the central character I tell the story from my perspective.

Apparently I, or my characters, reallylike first person. Ten of my eleven stories are first person. The other is written in second person. I wonder if I can write in the third person.

Looks like we're in for a nasty spell of wether.

Gracie Goes To Hollywood's - True

The Night They Tried to Close RUMPLATIONS Bar (with JamesLlewellyn)

19 Jul 2019

Quote by Liz

Phil answered the irresistible beckoning of the backyard. Brightly colored birds frolicked in the breeze as they fluttered their way toward the winding creek. He closed his eyes and felt the warmth of the sun on his skin. The delicate scent of the clover underneath his bare feet teased his senses. The fragrance was so sweet he could almost taste it on his tongue. Fledgling robins twittered their chourused song in a nearby tree as he stretched his arms high above his head and farted loudly.

"God damnit, Phil!" shouted his neighbour from an open upstairs window. "Stop farting like an airhorn! And put some fucking clothes on!"

Some people think that the reason that kangaroos can jump six feet in the air is down to their strong leg muscles. But really, it's mostly the farts...

19 Jul 2019

Quote by Kee
The following is excerpted from: https://kathysteinemann.com/Musings/i-i-i/

First-person narrative engages people in a way they don’t experience with second and third person. Readers see the world from your narrator’s perspective, including intimate thoughts and feelings. However, it’s easy to overplay constructions such as I did this and I thought that and I wanted something else.

Oh great. One more thing me have to watch out for in editing my stories. d'oh!

Seriously though, great post and something that I've probably overlooked in the past. I think I've learned far, far more about all aspects of writing here than I ever did in 12 years of school and 4 years of college.

24 Jul 2019

Oddly, I am battling this in my new story. Not sure if I used "I" more often than usual this time or if this thread has made me more aware of it.

17 Jul 2020

Quote by WannabeWordsmith
Nice! I often find myself applying this technique (though not eradicating 'I' entirely: it has its place) at the expense of having to find inventive ways to avoid using the passive voice too much.

My standard trick is to comb through the story after I've hammered it down and look for any occurrences of words like:

1) felt / feel
2) heard / hear
3) saw / see

And remove them by rewording that sentence in a more direct manner:

I heard her soft moans and felt myself hardening.

becomes something like:

Her soft moans thrilled me, hardening my cock.

In other words, don't filter. Don't make indirect statements.

"He felt her touch his bicep" is awkward in third person too. Part of what makes first person, in my experience, so prone to indirect statements is the tendency to use want to use "I".

Even stuff like "I felt reassured after that hot sex" could be rephrased as "Nothing reassures me better than that sex."

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17 Jul 2020

Quote by Grace

I don't know about anyone else, but I rarely have a choice. I often don't write, I take dictation. My characters tell me what to put. When I am the central character I tell the story from my perspective.

Apparently I, or my characters, reallylike first person. Ten of my eleven stories are first person. The other is written in second person. I wonder if I can write in the third person.

Most of what I write is in first person too and there are still things you can do in third person that can't be done well in first.

If I'm writing from the perspective of a character who wouldn't tell the reader much about his or her inner life, third person works better. My last story was from the perspective of a sociopath, so her sense of identity is pretty muted anyway. Third person worked better there, because the sociopath isn't going to let you in, because there's nowhere to let you into

"The Punished Nonpartisan" <- Extreme BDSM and humiliation story. Heavy on plot. Served on a plate of political drama with a side of domestic terror. Currently Free download.

Jocelyn the Wicked <- futanari, fantasy fan fic, and some tentacles that escaped the laboratory

18 Dec 2020

I'm bookmarking this for when I decide to tackle 1st person. Super helpful advice smile