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Horrible Advice for Talentless Authors

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hopp3r
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Quote by Kathrin
Here's an idea: Instead of third person or first person, why don't you write second person. Write it like you're talking TO the reader. That's SO intimate!

Or go completely against the mainstream and write in the FOURTH person.
"One undresses another and orally pleasures them. It's very erotic."
I mean, how can that NOT be sexy?

I can’t think of a good tagline so this will have to do. Suggest a better one for me?

Just_A_Guy_You_Know
Wouldn't you rather have a nice cup of tea?
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Plot wastes time when you could be writing a hot fuck scene.

Likewise, character development and dialog are mere distractions.

BDSM between total strangers is optional... but it's also mandatory.

Describe the sex in great detail: For his first thrust, he slid in three and a half of his seven inches, then pulled out two inches, before plunging back into her another five inches. On his third thrust she screamed "OH YESSSSSS!!!!!!111!!!!" Then on his fourth thrust he slipped out accidentally, lost his concentration, and had to restart the count.

Publish your story 60 words at a time. Breaking mid-sex scene is highly advisable since it creates demand for sequels.

Don't believe everything that you read.

Kathrin
Active Ink Slinger
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'then' and 'than' are basically the same word.
kink explorer and porn story author deluxe
naughtyannie
God Empress of Lush
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Quote by Kathrin
'then' and 'than' are basically the same word.


As are "come" and "cum" of course. Randomly use one or the other as you wish, whatever the context.

22 February 2024 - How about a quick plug for one of my filthiest recent stories? It's all in the title - Naked Pool Party Swingers | Lush Stories Please read, comment and maybe give it a ❤️ - or even a⭐ if you really enjoy it! Thank you! Annie xxx

Unknown User
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Start your story in past tense then switch to telling the reader what's happening now, in present tense, then throw in some future to add intrigue at the end. And don't forget to alternate from 1st person to third. Every other paragraph is ideal. It makes the story so much more interesting.

And most importantly, at least one character should have a small dog. There are too many cats on this site
julie_slink
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I'm hoping to revive this old thread so I have a humorous excuse to make crappy memes and be a smart-ass.

So if you have some horrible (?) advice, please share it. I sometimes find that the worst pieces of advice contain a nugget of truth.
And I feel like it's never a bad idea to review the basics. I'll start with my favorite use of metaphors.



This is an very powerful tool when used correctly. Please use with caution.
julie_slink
Active Ink Slinger
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Anyone else heard of this legend? I was 16 or 17 in high school and my English teacher told us this story. We laughed at her and no one really listened because we couldn't even buy booze. How would we stockpile it?

I had several nice bottles of wine disappear over Christmas a few years back and now I try to be careful with adverbs. Some are ok, but pay attention. It just takes one bad experience.

Guest
Lurker
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Quote by julie_slink
I'm hoping to revive this old thread so I have a humorous excuse to make crappy memes and be a smart-ass.

So if you have some horrible (?) advice, please share it. I sometimes find that the worst pieces of advice contain a nugget of truth.
And I feel like it's never a bad idea to review the basics. I'll start with my favorite use of metaphors.



This is an very powerful tool when used correctly. Please use with caution.


I personally have never metaphor I didn't like.
FirstBlush
Ungovernable
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Quote by Saucymh
Start your story in past tense then switch to telling the reader what's happening now, in present tense, then throw in some future to add intrigue at the end. And don't forget to alternate from 1st person to third. Every other paragraph is ideal. It makes the story so much more interesting.

And most importantly, at least one character should have a small dog. There are too many cats on this site


Preach it, Sistah Mags!

julie_slink
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by Ping


I personally have never metaphor I didn't like.


Fours need lovin' too.
julie_slink
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Quote by Verbal

I think LOTS of adjectives and adverbs are the key, particularly if they all mean the same thing. Also many different words for cock and pussy, because it gets so repetitive otherwise. "He forcefully and vigorously took his enormous, red, pulsing, turgid, cum-soaked manrod and enthusiastically rammed it swiftly and deeply into her hot, shaved, twitching, soft, newly-mopped-floor wet love cave. Her sex cavern hungrily engulfed his large, stiff, throbbing, lovemeat and squeezed it like a tube of toothpaste."


This is great. I often end up wasting time constructing or writing stupid things when I should be spending that time on actual projects. It's so fun though. I look at this and think "wow, he actually expended effort and talent to construct such a convoluted turd of a sentence. This is an underappreciated and underrated art form for sure. I see that this was from a year ago, but I hope you've been keeping track of your adverb usage.
Verbal
Gravelly-Voiced Fucker
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Quote by julie_slink


This is great. I often end up wasting time constructing or writing stupid things when I should be spending that time on actual projects. It's so fun though. I look at this and think "wow, he actually expended effort and talent to construct such a convoluted turd of a sentence. This is an underappreciated and underrated art form for sure. I see that this was from a year ago, but I hope you've been keeping track of your adverb usage.


I have serious skills in creating convoluted turds of sentences. It's the simple ones that give me problems.

I was particularly proud of "newly mopped floor wet love cave." smile
Just_A_Guy_You_Know
Wouldn't you rather have a nice cup of tea?
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Quote by Verbal


I have serious skills in creating convoluted turds of sentences. It's the simple ones that give me problems.

I was particularly proud of "newly mopped floor wet love cave." smile


Don't believe everything that you read.

principessa
Sophisticate
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Go for what's easy. Use the laundry list to describe your characters, like criminal descriptions, but with improbable stats.

She was medium height, with long blond hair, blue eyes, 38 DD boobs, narrow waist and rounded 36" hips.

He was six feet tall, dark hair and eyes and had an 8-inch cock that expanded to more than ten inches when aroused.

They were attracted to each other's obvious assets.
julie_slink
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Quote by Verbal


I have serious skills in creating convoluted turds of sentences. It's the simple ones that give me problems.

I was particularly proud of "newly mopped floor wet love cave." smile


His anaconda throbstick slithered lustily toward my swampy sex Jacuzzi and dangerously coiled its thick, hard length around my deepest, darkest fantasties, violently squeezing its rippling, masculine muscle to seductively drain every last drop of sweet, fragrant, sex juices from my needy, sopping fuckcave.

I'm way too pleased with this.
julie_slink
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Quote by Just_A_Guy_You_Know




It's getting slippery in here.

principessa
Sophisticate
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Never mind not relying solely on spellcheck or grammarly. Don't bother using them.
Write dialogue all in one paragraph. Let the readers guess who is saying what to whom.
Keep changing how you punctuate dialogue or don't format it at all.
Use lots of ellipses and exclamation points. It makes your story less boring to read. You can also use italics and bold haphazardly to make things interesting.
Argue vociferously with any story moderator who makes suggestions about how to improve your story. It is an insult to an artist to be told to make corrections. You have a style of your own.
julie_slink
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Quote by principessa

Use lots of ellipses and exclamation points. It makes your story less boring to read. You can also use italics and bold haphazardly to make things interesting.


“OMG..I love ellipses!!!” she said sarcastically.
“erm…but they create tension…..
you don’t know….where the sentence…
is going!!!” she said with a bang.
LYFBUZ
Troublemaker
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Its very important to introduce anonymous characters so readers can fill in the character's persona for themselves. This lack of depth will fill your readers with a sense of awe and allow them to ascribe their own qualities and demented fantasies to your work thus putting more of themselves into your story. Ideally you will give these characters non-gender specific identities to keep the possibilities wide open.
sweet_as_candy
Story Verifier
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List the characters exact statistics, the height to the exact inch, age, cup size and their dress size. Make sure the guys penis is so unrealistic that it blows the readers mind. Oh and always write, he said or she said at the end of every bit of dialogue. In fact, don't even bother with quotation marks. It makes it super hot and fun to read.
Unknown User
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Don't bother with a storyline, they're totally overrated. Readers want non-stop sex scenes with lots of different characters who wander in and out of the story at will. Oh, and don't forget to make all your characters blood relations. That's important.
Guest
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The protagonist name should be Bubba with a cock needing a spool to wind it back in to his polyester bellbottomed trousers. Tattoos of Mongolia, Dunkin Doughnuts and a gnome named Earl. A pocket full of ticket stubs to a Chinese art gallery in Polanski, Tennessee.
julie_slink
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Quote by Adagio
The protagonist name should be Bubba with a cock needing a spool to wind it back in to his polyester bellbottomed trousers. Tattoos of Mongolia, Dunkin Doughnuts and a gnome named Earl. A pocket full of ticket stubs to a Chinese art gallery in Polanski, Tennessee.


I love how incredibly specific this is, Adagio.
Just_A_Guy_You_Know
Wouldn't you rather have a nice cup of tea?
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Calling it a nipple is too plain. You're a poet! If you can't spend at least a page and a half paying homage to the glorious love nub that protrudes impatiently from her breast, standing at rigid attention like some brown-pink soldier standing at full dutiful attention atop his majestic fleshy hill, surveying the hot and deliciously smooth landscape, and awaiting a nice little pat on the head.... Well, you don't deserve to write erotica.

Don't believe everything that you read.

julie_slink
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Quote by Just_A_Guy_You_Know
Calling it a nipple is too plain. You're a poet! If you can't spend at least a page and a half paying homage to the glorious love nub that protrudes impatiently from her breast, standing at rigid attention like some brown-pink soldier standing at full dutiful attention atop his majestic fleshy hill, surveying the hot and deliciously smooth landscape, and awaiting a nice little pat on the head.... Well, you don't deserve to write erotica.


Nice one! I think I got it figured out.

His cock was a sculpted marble edifice that stood proudly atop his grassy knoll like some ancient Greek hero straight from Mount Olympus, shining with a pearly fleshy helmet atop his jaw-droppingly long, statuesque stature, ready to fight off invaders and conquer me with the zealous intensity of the 300 Spartans of mythic legend.
Guest
Lurker
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How about some gangbang and BDSM stories featuring cartoon characters?
Buggs Bunny Whipping Elmer Fudd's butt with a riding crop...What's Up Doc, your cock?
Little Granny cockholding Fog Horn Leg Horn with the Basset hound chicken hawk guard dog...I say, I say, I don't need your love to keep me warm, I have my bandages to keep me warm. Wyle Coyote strapping Road Runner down and shoving a huge ACME dildo up his butt...Me Meeeeeeep!!!, or Tweety Bird voyeuring Sylvester...I tought I saw a Puddy Cat...

A sexually oriented poem or story does not have to be sensual in nature to be as good, or a better read.
The eye of the beholder, and mostly what I know about Lush, I want hard-core meat and taters words of wit when I read anything here.
All of the wonderful, sweet, sensual, metaphoric words do not necessarily build up anticipation, or sexual excitement when they are drawn out to the point where it's simply old, cluttered, blah blah blah,...no matter what nice things others may say to the authors face.

Too long and detailed stories are a waste of time when a girl is reading a poem or story to have a good cum.

There are extremely good writers here at Lush, but MOST who frequent our site are seemingly not authors at all, and only come here to read, or cyber-sex in open chat, when we are horny, and need to orgasm.
So many of these lovely poetic stories are soon passed up for something else with a bit of the...just do me quality.

I'm not a great writer of sexual content, but maybe some very dirty poems, and many other poems I post on other sites, but I can read, appreciate well written literature, and I love to orgasm much...

I've found that because you're a good author, does not mean ya can cyber-sex either.
Many, if not most, of the best cyber lovers here are not.

I not primarily come here to write, critic, comment, or vote stories and poems, though I do at times.

So I definitely wouldn't want a guy or girl to be so sensual when we are cyber-sexing either.
OMGosh...Just hush, grab your sex, and let me do you then.

I don't want you blowing your warm breath between my toes, worshiping my needy love nubs, inhaling the fragrance of my womanhood, or to read about you doing to someone else.
If ya gonna blow anything, rub ice on my nipples and blow on those, blow in my ear, talk dirty to me, or blow on my clit, bite it, and suck on it till I faint.

I want to know how big a guy's cock is, not only that it's large, or how big your breasts are?
I want to hear about you pulling/twisting at my nipples, sucking them madly, titty fucking me like a horny stripper, pumping that long, thick cock of yours between my boobs as I tongue fuck your slit, jack your thick cock, and roll your cum filled balls between my fingers.

Keep the story moving and interesting with anticipation of your next words when you're writing, or cyber-sexing.
Get dirty, and show pics and/or gifs related to your words if ya like.
You may or may not get the notability from Lush admin, or get any awards, but you will definitely get the attention of almost everyone else you meet at Lush who do come here for these reasons, and you will have way more fun.

Having the regular friends here that ya talk to everyday is great.
I would never trade my friends, but when you have many of your friends who want to bbox and privy with you, almost everyday, isn't that the reason most of us come here, meet new friends, read a bit, and for so many to desire you?
This is a fantasy sex site after all.

Those who are more explicit sexually seem to be the best cyber-lovers here at Lush, and considered by many, if not most of us, the hottest devil tongues with sexual innuendo even if they not author a single story or poem.

Just saying...whether writing a story or cyber-sexing, not be so blah blah blah to over-describe, over-detail,
or over-insinuate with metaphors, everything ya say.
Don't end up causing their excitement a slow death,
Have Lushie fun always, maybe try out the cartoon sex story thingy too?...naaaaah...
There is a really good thread in our forums to get great advice about your writing after all.
julie_slink
Active Ink Slinger
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Quote by ivanka_simkiewisz
Just saying...whether writing a story or cyber-sexing, not be so blah blah blah to over-describe, over-detail,
or over-insinuate with metaphors, everything ya say.
Some imagination is better, especially when you are to the point in your actions.
Don't end up causing their excitement a slow death.
Then they will give ya a bad vote, or simply pop up Porn Hub instead.


We are just fooling about. It's purposefully "terrible" writing advice. I agree, I would never want to read a story with that amount of over-description and detail.