Great one liners

"I got a paper cut writing my suicide note... it's a start." (Steve Wright)

Yes, this one is as down dry as can be, but go for it.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus.

I've decided to sell my hoover...it was just gathering dust.

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill "If I was married to you I'd put poison in your coffee".

WC to LA " If I was married to you I would drink it"

😆

The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

Quote by matureman56

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill "If I was married to you I'd put poison in your coffee".

WC to LA " If I was married to you I would drink it"

😆

One of my father's favorite quips -- which may help explain my parent's divorce

I hate Russian dolls...they're so full of themselves

"When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman's body. Then I was born".

Just came across this and it made me laugh.

"When they circumcised Herbert Samuel they threw away the wrong bit."

David Lloyd George.

“I feel like a jackass caught in a Texas hailstorm.”

President Lyndon Johnson re: The Viet Nam war.

“Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop.”

-Lewis Carroll

"It is what it is till it ain't no more"

- anon

"You, sir, are drunk."

"And you, madam, are ugly. The difference is, in the morning I will be sober."

Churchill (possibly)

Quote by kistinspencil

"You, sir, are drunk."

"And you, madam, are ugly. The difference is, in the morning I will be sober."

Churchill (possibly)

Sort of… he paraphrased a line from the movie ‘The Gift’. Churchill stole a lot of quotes and had a ton falsely linked to him postmortem. Very few have actually been identified as factual.

Quote by RowanThorn

Sort of… he paraphrased a line from the movie ‘The Gift’. Churchill stole a lot of quotes and had a ton falsely linked to him postmortem. Very few have actually been identified as factual.

I know, hence my parenthetical. Whoever may have writ it originally, it's not bad and rings true to the period.

“Never trust anything you read on the internet.”

-Mark Twain

“No one goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.” Yogi Berra

Two things are infinite: the Universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the Universe.

Albert Einstein

Just watching a docu on Vivien Leigh so one of the greatest movie one-liners:-

'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn'.

RB..

Quick setup… Groucho Marx had a contestant named Gonzalez Gonzalez (his real name) on You Bet Your Life. He loved the kid, he was really funny.

Groucho says, “You’re pretty funny, kid. How about you and me do Vaudeville together? What’ll we call our act?”

The young man responded, “Gonzalez Gonzalez and Groucho.”

Groucho threw up his hands and said, “How about that?! Forty years in show businesses and I still get third billing on a two man act!”

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” Yogi Berra

Here's looking at you kid.

Oscar Wilde's last words... "My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One of us has to go."

“I knew it, I knew it! Born in a goddamn hotel room and dying in a hotel room.” -Eugene O’Neill 

As long as we're hitting some last words... "I'm not frightened. It's just that I will miss you all so much." These would have been very sweet last words from the great writer Roald Dahl... except that's when the nurse stabbed him with the needle full of morphine. So instead his last words were, "Ow! Fuck!"

I've always like Emily Dickinson's -- "I must go in, the fog is rising."

Never was so much owed to so few

Quote by CallmeJayne

I hate Russian dolls...they're so full of themselves

This.