Oh yes - especially when I'm drunk. I'm also better looking, more knowledgable and everyone is more attractive to me.
I don't "Think" I am funny but I Love to make people laugh & I do it on a daily basis.
Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store
They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!
They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"
They'll continue counting until they empty out the basket.
As they're counting, a drunk man overhears them, he goes to the gate to eavesdrop.
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"
His face goes pale, and he runs to the church to call for the priest.
"Father! You must come with me quick! The devil and his demon are counting out human souls they're going to collect!"
The priest, rather reluctantly, gets up and quickly paces over to the man. Together, they run to the cemetery.
"Just listen!" The man whispers, the priest puts his ear up to the gate.
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"
The priest's face goes white, he and the drunk man just stand there in silence, listening.
Soon enough, the two boys finish counting, but as they get up, Child 2 asks, rather loudly
"What about the two at the gate?"
I'm pink, therefore I'm spam.
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
The golfer goes *whack* "Damn" and a skydiver goes "Damn" *whack*
What do you call the soft flesh between a shark's teeth?
The slow swimmer.
What do you call a box of fannies ? Clitoris allsorts .
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?
A: Either one of two things. Peanut butter with a long memory or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
This should be heard in the voice of Slim Pickens.
A cowboy walks into town, naked. The sheriff asks for an explanation.
***
Well, sheriff, I was riding along the trail a few miles back when I saw a naked lady leaning against a rock. She pointed a pair of 38s at me and told me to get off my horse. Well, my Mama taught me to be obedient to ladies, so I got off my horse.
"Take off your boots," she said, so I did. "Now take off your gunbelt."
Ever mindful of my Mama's lessons, no to mention those 38s staring straight at me, I unbuckled my gunbelt and dropped it beside my boots.
"Now, cowboy, take off your shirt and pants." They went with my boots and guns.
"The undershirt next. And finally, the longjohns." So there I was, buck naked, with my clothes in a pile beside me.
"All right, cowboy," she said, "go to town." So sheriff, not wanting to argue with a lady with a pair of 38s, here I am.
I know I'm funny. I see things differently than most....which always comes off pretty damn funny. As far as jokes.....that's a different kinda funny. I don't even really like jokes. They're written down, rehearsed, played out. The only joke I can recall ever laughing to and actually re-telling it is this one. How many tweakers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and One to take apart the stereo. And most wont get it...but that's fucking hysterical!
Three women are sitting together discussing different methods of contraception.
The first woman shared that she was very religious, and that her religion did not allow her to use any form of contraception. “However, we do use the rhythm method”, she added. When asked how many children she had, she replied: “eleven”. The other two women thought to themselves that their form of contraception was surely more effective.
The second woman then chimed in that she was also very spiritual, but that her belief system did not have the same constraints as the first woman, and that she was able to use contraception. “I use the pill”, she said. When asked how many children she had, she replied: “two”. That sat much better with the third woman.
The third woman then proceeded to share that she and her husband used the “Bucket and saucers” method. The other two women looked at her quizzically. Wanting to clarify how the method worked, she first told the other ladies that she was married to a little person. And, that when they wanted to be intimate, they would take a bucket and turn it upside down. The husband would then stand on the bucket and they would make love standing up.
The other two women expressed that they were unsure how or what this had to do with contraception. The third woman elaborated, “Well, as soon as I see his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket from under him!”.
