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So You Think You're Funny?

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Prove it.




Do you live for the laughter? Getting someone to cheer the fuck up? Know you're the best and want that validation?

Post your jokes here. Make me laugh or GTFO.






Allow me to start:


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
Oh yes - especially when I'm drunk. I'm also better looking, more knowledgable and everyone is more attractive to me.
I don't "Think" I am funny but I Love to make people laugh & I do it on a daily basis.
Quote by TangerineSky




That made me laugh out loud and I am not even sure why. smile

Yeah, I like to think I`m pretty funny.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

I`ll be here all week. Tip your waitresses.
Two orphan children are on the run after stealing a big basket of tangerines from the store
They run into the cemetery to hide, but drop two at the gate
Child 1: It's fine! We have plenty more in the basket. Hurry! We must hide!


They find a bush to take cover and begin counting out the tangerines...
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


They'll continue counting until they empty out the basket.
As they're counting, a drunk man overhears them, he goes to the gate to eavesdrop.


"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"
His face goes pale, and he runs to the church to call for the priest.


"Father! You must come with me quick! The devil and his demon are counting out human souls they're going to collect!"
The priest, rather reluctantly, gets up and quickly paces over to the man. Together, they run to the cemetery.


"Just listen!" The man whispers, the priest puts his ear up to the gate.
"One for me, one for you, one for me, one for you"


The priest's face goes white, he and the drunk man just stand there in silence, listening.
Soon enough, the two boys finish counting, but as they get up, Child 2 asks, rather loudly


"What about the two at the gate?"
Ahahahahaa these are great. Thanks for cheering me up, guys



I'll pitch in another:


A woman in a tight skirt was at a bus stop, waiting to get onto the bus.
A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors. She tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight, so she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little.
She tried to step up onto the steps again, but it was still to tight.
She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still too tight.
She tried one more time.
She reached back and unzipped some more, and still, she couldn’t get up onto the bus.
So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the butt.
He gives her a boost onto the bus.
She turns around and slaps him, saying, “What do you think you are doing?!"
"Well," the man says, "After you unzipped my pants for the third time I thought we were acquainted.”
What do you call a box of fannies ? Clitoris allsorts .
This should be heard in the voice of Slim Pickens.

A cowboy walks into town, naked. The sheriff asks for an explanation.

***

Well, sheriff, I was riding along the trail a few miles back when I saw a naked lady leaning against a rock. She pointed a pair of 38s at me and told me to get off my horse. Well, my Mama taught me to be obedient to ladies, so I got off my horse.

"Take off your boots," she said, so I did. "Now take off your gunbelt."

Ever mindful of my Mama's lessons, no to mention those 38s staring straight at me, I unbuckled my gunbelt and dropped it beside my boots.

"Now, cowboy, take off your shirt and pants." They went with my boots and guns.

"The undershirt next. And finally, the longjohns." So there I was, buck naked, with my clothes in a pile beside me.

"All right, cowboy," she said, "go to town." So sheriff, not wanting to argue with a lady with a pair of 38s, here I am.

Looks like we're in for a nasty spell of wether.

Gracie Goes To Hollywood's - True

The Night They Tried to Close RUMPLATIONS Bar (with JamesLlewellyn)

I know I'm funny. I see things differently than most....which always comes off pretty damn funny. As far as jokes.....that's a different kinda funny. I don't even really like jokes. They're written down, rehearsed, played out. The only joke I can recall ever laughing to and actually re-telling it is this one. How many tweakers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and One to take apart the stereo. And most wont get it...but that's fucking hysterical!
Three women are sitting together discussing different methods of contraception.

The first woman shared that she was very religious, and that her religion did not allow her to use any form of contraception. “However, we do use the rhythm method”, she added. When asked how many children she had, she replied: “eleven”. The other two women thought to themselves that their form of contraception was surely more effective.

The second woman then chimed in that she was also very spiritual, but that her belief system did not have the same constraints as the first woman, and that she was able to use contraception. “I use the pill”, she said. When asked how many children she had, she replied: “two”. That sat much better with the third woman.

The third woman then proceeded to share that she and her husband used the “Bucket and saucers” method. The other two women looked at her quizzically. Wanting to clarify how the method worked, she first told the other ladies that she was married to a little person. And, that when they wanted to be intimate, they would take a bucket and turn it upside down. The husband would then stand on the bucket and they would make love standing up.

The other two women expressed that they were unsure how or what this had to do with contraception. The third woman elaborated, “Well, as soon as I see his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket from under him!”.