My mind was reeling. The images of Brian and Kerri on the beach, climbing the cliff, dancing, and then what happened at the chairs kept running through it like a movie. They were juxtaposed with so many memories of talking with Kerri about why she didn't want or just wasn't able to enjoy sex, how a feeling of dread would overcome her when someone touched her sexually.
I learned about this after the birth of our son, we had been living together for about three years. Before that, we had sex a few times a week. After the birth, she started to be reluctant. She always had explanations or reasons for not having passion or desiring me. I was too fat, my breathing was weird, I touched her tits or put my finger in her cunt too fast, I used the word tits and cunt instead of nipples and vagina, my past with my sister freaked her out, her parents had sabotaged her healthy view of sex, and many, many more. For her to become more sexually active has been a wish of mine for decades. We had talked and talked about it without any changes ever happening. We had stopped discussing it and mostly avoided the subject altogether.
When I asked her which type of sexual encounter had been the most exciting for her, it was when she was with a stranger, someone she had just met. In her early twenties, there were a few of them. I would be all right with her doing that or anything else to help her open up. When I told her that, she laughed. There was no desire for sex with anyone, not only me.
The one-night stands had been long ago. She was young and trying to free herself from her sexual inhibitions and affirm she was worthy of a man's attention and desire. She hoped that the novelty of someone new, someone she didn't know would help keep the dread away.
When she started to flirt, and they reciprocated, it was fun and exciting. The power to entice a man to focus on her felt great. Once the sex started, the feeling of dread would return. Even though it didn't feel good, she let them do as they wanted. Because she had given them such a strong signal that she wanted it, she felt she had to. Usually, it was a quick fuck in a missionary position. One asked for anal, after entering her and too many painful thrusts, she asked him to stop. That was the only time she asked anyone to do that. Once or twice there was sex on the beach or in the water with other people nearby. The feeling of dread never stopped happening, nothing she tried worked.
What I witnessed today was totally out of character for her. Usually, she would hang out with her friends at these gatherings. Every time I saw her today, she was with Brian. They were laughing, touching, dancing, or holding each other. For her to move his hand to her crotch and then massage her to orgasm was hard for me to believe. That image was on a continuous loop in my mind.
In the car, I was still not sure what to do, or where to go. Should I wait a while before I go home? As I came to the road, I could turn left or right. Left, there were beautiful ocean views, but it would be a longer drive. Going right would be a straight ride home. I turned left and told myself I was giving Kerri and Brian some 'alone time'. I knew what I needed to do was to figure out how to act when I got there. I wasn't prepared for my body's reactions to seeing Kerri be this way.
Driving home, I still couldn't get the images of her out of my head: running on the beach, carried up the cliff, in his arms in the waves, his hand between her legs. I wondered what would I see when I got home. What new images would be burned into my mind? I figured they were most likely in bed together. Naked under the covers having sex in the missionary position in one of the extra bedrooms.
She wasn't open to other positions. Sometimes she will get on top of me, lay out fully prone, and then rub her body up and down. Sometimes she squeezes herself against my thigh and moves herself slowly up and down. A few times she has sat up and ridden me cowgirl style, she even reversed it once. We would only do it in the bedroom. If I tried to have it in another room or outside, I would be told no very quickly. Strangely, she was very open to sex in hotels. It was a given that we would do it there.
It was a beautiful night. Many stars were shining brightly even though the moon was full. The ocean views were stunning. There were cars parked at some of the scenic lookouts. I had the thought, 'Is one of those cars Brian's?' Did they want to do it in the car? Should I stop to check to see if it was them? What was I, crazy? I could see myself peering into unknown cars at people I didn't know. If it was them, what was I going to say? 'Do you mind if I join you?'
Compose yourself, just drive home. Stop thinking all these crazy thoughts. 'Be in the moment!'
In this moment, the images of Kerri never stopped. Approaching our house, it was all lit up, every room had a light on, even the bedrooms. That didn't make sense. Kerri preferred the lights off during sex. There was an unfamiliar car in the driveway, I parked so it could easily get out.
I heard Miles Davis's 'All Blues' playing as I walked to the door. Kerri puts up with me listening to my music, sometimes, she even enjoys it, although she always asks me to turn it down. I could never play it this loud unless she's not home. I knew she liked this album, but I doubted she knew it was Miles or how to find it.
I opened the door. Kerri and Brian looked up at me from the living room floor. They were on the carpet, looking at the weaving that hung in our bedroom. They were fully dressed. Connie got up quickly. Brian stood up with one graceful movement and stood next to Kerri, their hands met and intertwined.
I turned to them closing the door. Kerri's nipples were stiffly poking into the fabric of her dress. She had taken off her bra or had he? She did not like her nipples showing like they were now. It made her look very sexy, she was uncomfortable looking like that.
"Oh, I didn't hear you come up the drive. How are you?" she said.
"I'm okay. It has been quite a day. I am still trying to understand everything."
I wanted to be calm and collected, but I didn't feel that way.
"Are you all right? Do you want me to stay? Should I leave?" I asked her.
"Of course I want you to stay. This is where we live together, our home."
"I thought that you wanted to be together alone with Brian. At least 'for a while'. Isn't that what you said? I was sure that you wanted to have sex with him as soon you got here. Have you already done that? Did you have an orgasm when he massaged you between your legs earlier?"
That was a stupid thing to say. I was not being calm and collected.
"Chris, I was hoping you would understand why I did what I did today. To answer your questions. No, we have not had sex here, not yet. Yes, I had an orgasm while Brian caressed me earlier. It felt good to be able to initiate that with him. There have always been such strong negative voices in my head if I would even think about doing something like that. When I did it tonight, I didn't hear them. I was open to the sensations of my body, ready to fully enjoy them. You have always told me I should do that. I thought it would make you happy."
She looked at Brian and let go of his hand.
"I have always wanted to feel good about sex, today I did. I wanted to explore that feeling – test its boundaries. To see what I could do and how it would make me feel. I knew you wanted me to do this, and that gave me strength to push the boundaries further. I wanted you to be a part of what I had found with Brian. To see me, be with me without my inhibitions. That's what I was doing."
"I need to pee," I said as I walked to the bathroom.
I wanted to try and collect myself. Calm my body's reactions down. The right words were not coming out of my mouth. I didn't need to pee, I tried, but it wouldn't come out. As I stood over the toilet, feelings of sexual excitement and anticipation were mixed with waves of jealousy. I was semi-hard, and that wasn't helping me pee.
Kerri's bra and panties were on the bathroom floor. I was sure she wasn't wearing a bra, but no panties, I would never have guessed that. Seeing them there made me harder. I gave up trying to pee. I flushed the toilet and splashed some water on my face. When I opened the door, I could hear them talking. From where I was I could hear them, but I couldn't make out enough words to make sense of the conversation. I did hear my name and the word sex said in both of their voices. When I entered the living room they turned and looked at me.
"Chris, do you want to talk about this now?" Kerri asked.
"Do you?"
"I do. I hope we can reach an understanding that will support each other with what is going to happen."
"It would be good to understand what is going to happen. I have been thinking about it. It doesn't make any sense to me what are you doing?"
"I'm not sure it does to me either. Let's sit down and talk."
"Do you want a drink? I am going to make myself one."
"No, thank you, I don't want one. Would you like one Brian? I am sure we have what you would like," Kerri replied.
"Do you have any tea?" Brian asked.
Connie has over twenty different kinds of teas.
"Yes, we do. Would you like an orange pekoe like a Lipton or Red Rose? I do have other types also."
"Do you have chamomile?"
"Yes, I'll go make it. I'll have a cup too."
I was at the bar making a strong rum with lime juice and a splash.
Brian sat down on the couch. I sat in a chair across from it and took a few sips of my drink.
"I want you to know, I am not angry with you or Kerri. This is an experience I have never been through before and I am probably acting weird. You might think I am not wanting you two to enjoy having sex tonight. I do, it would make me happy. I have never seen this side of her before, in over thirty years nothing close to this has ever happened. I am glad she is opening up. Being sexual with you is giving her so much joy. It is not making me feel the way I thought it would though."
"I do understand. You must be dealing with many emotions coming at you very quickly. I know, I am," Brian said.
"Yes, that is true. I'm also not sure how to act or what to do. I have wanted Kerri to be more open to sex with me, with anyone for a long time. I thought that we could try a threesome or foursome, or if she wanted to have sex with someone else without me, I would support that. I still feel that way."
"When I saw you two on the beach before the meal. I told myself that nothing sexual was happening. I know Kerri loves the beach and you had given her an opportunity to be there. When you caught her and then carried her up the cliff. I could tell how much fun you were both having, I experienced a pang of jealousy."
"Then when I saw you two slow dancing together. You lifted her off the floor. She hugged your shoulders, and I thought kissed you. Then I began to wonder, was something sexual going on?"
This was hard for me to say.
"Later when I saw you hold, well, embrace her in the water. You stayed there for quite a while after the wave receded before you carried her up to dry sand. I was sure something sexual was happening. I had no idea what it was or where it was going."
Kerri came into the room with two mugs of tea. She handed one to Brian and then sat down next to him.
"Are you two getting to know one another?" she asked.
"Not really," I said. "I have been trying to let Brian know that I am not angry or mad at either of you"
"Oh, he knew that already."
She laughed as she said that.
"I told him that you had been pestering me for years to have sex with another man. That he shouldn't worry about you being jealous or upset. You would be happy if I did. I've heard you say that to me for over twenty years."
"Yes, I have said that. It was to let you know, whatever you wanted or needed to enjoy sex I would support it. Since we do not do it very often. I thought, could it be me you didn't want to have sex with? Did you want to have it with another man, or a woman? After today I think maybe I was right."
That didn't come out the way I had planned.
She brought her mug up to her mouth with both hands and put her face into it. She took a few sips as she looked at me over the rim. Brian and I looked at each other, he seemed to be sizing me up.
"What has happened today is something none of us had planned for. Even though Chris said he wanted you to have sex with another man. It doesn't mean he could handle it," he said.
He took a sip of his tea.
"I do want you to know. When we met, I had no idea that Kerri was married."
He put his mug down on the coffee table.
"We talked about weaving with such intensity and fervor. I didn't notice her ring. If I saw it, it didn't register as a wedding ring. Being with her started filling me with joy right away. Her beauty is so spiritual and natural. I enjoyed her energy, her laughter, and her warm lovely smile. I wanted to be with her in every way a man could be with a woman."
Kerri had put her mug down and was caressing his arm.
"On the beach, first, I just focused on the waves. Did we need to run up the beach so we didn't get wet? How far can we follow it down? Was a new wave coming in? We hardly talked then, we just smiled and laughed. It seemed that we had just begun when Kerri said she thought that it was time to get back to the wedding, the meal was probably being served."
"I had so much fun being with her. When she fell and I was carrying her. Her hand was holding onto my chest. That is when I noticed the ring, and I realized it was a wedding ring. Then I met you, I thought, holy shit, what have I been doing."
"You didn't do anything wrong!" Kerri blurted out.
I hadn't heard Brian talk for more than a few words until he said that. I was glad he was finally saying something about what he had been doing today. I did not like the 'It doesn't mean he can handle it' comment.