Half the school assumed that Sean and I would tumble into a relationship if given the right push. And push us they did, but nothing ever came of it.

–

Sean was my best friend. One of a long line of Male Best Friends that I did not get romantically involved with. I have had female friends, but I had a hard time getting past the cordial colleague state with any of my own sex. I have tried to psychoanalyze this tendency many times, but I think it boils down to this. I always preferred spending time with my brothers rather than my sister; I felt more comfortable with boys that I could cultivate the same dynamic with. Importantly, I rarely considered my romantic partners my best friends.

I don't remember meeting him, but sophomore year we spent five of our six classes sitting next to each other passing notes. When we got out of class and were in separate homes we were still spending time together.  We wrote emails back and forth using a cipher code just for the fun of it.  I walked around a mile down to his house which was close to a soft-serve ice cream spot.  He walked through the cemetery to my house too, but rarely.  We would spend hours on the phone just discussing life or discussing B, the girl Sean had a crush on.

• 09/01/---d
• During June and July we had a set of emails sent which were as random as a game of racquetball. It bounces off all the walls and the ball will travel in each direction. No matter what way the ball goes, it is still locked in the court between two people. I guess what I mean is I said some stupid things and kept the same topic longer than I should have. Seany left me in the court and went somewhere else to complain.

My own crush for B developed as a byproduct of trying to determine if Sean was wasting his time pining over her. B insisted for a long time that she didn't like anyone, but the more I found out about her the more she fascinated me.

I cared about Sean, but Sean was simple.

B was a mystery.

She would share her music earbud to let me listen to Aqua and I would notice how close her head was bobbing next to mine. Her shoulder pressed against mine sharing her music.

• 03/08/---e
• Kissy Kissy makes me happy honey honey sweetest candy
• come on honey take my hand and come along with me
• B and I singing along to a song—

When B admitted that she was already in a relationship with not one, but two girls (a couple of counties away) I was shocked. I had never heard of such a relationship with multiple consenting partners, outside a vague understanding that some men far away and long ago had multiple wives.

I may safely say that B was and will always be my first muse.

The poems I wrote for her were personal, tender, and stirred by emotional conflict and rarely involved my own romantic confusion.  B asked me to not tell anyone else in the small little town, with good reason, but that included not telling my best friend Sean.

• 3/05/---e
• Back to the perverted entries
   
• I dreamed I had a threeway
• With you me and her
• All you wanted was her
• All she wanted was me
• And All I wanted was you

When my best friend began whining about B again I had a hard time keeping the same calm countenance that I had held for so long. I did not break my word, but I was tired of listening to him pine over a girl who was more liable to be interested in me. Sean didn't understand my sudden animosity. Some well meaning popular girls who saw our spat, felt the need to explain to Sean that I must be jealous of his attentions and obviously had a crush on him.

Sean was about the only boy in my grade who did not come up in my midnight masturbation sessions. However, I was still a sex-obsessed teenager looking for opportunities. Once in class with the school’s drug dealer made the offhand remark, “Watch out, Lamb is secretly a nymph.” I wasn’t familiar with the term. After she defined it I said, “Oh, then yes, I am.” When people suggested that the opportunity to finally sate my yearnings was that close it was hard to keep it that way.

• 07/05/---d
• [regarding my "first kiss" which I never really counted]
• Now I don’t think I was a total monster. I mean the older girls had found out I liked him, pinned him, and told me to kiss him on the bus, he was pinned so I did. It’s kinda odd they didn’t get caught, those older girls. Anyway I don’t think that counts.
• I want Sean to kiss me, but maybe that would be the same as pinning him down and pressing my lips against his clamped shut mouth. Maybe that’s the same as brushing my hand against a guy who doesn’t like me but is too polite to say stop.
• Sean is my best friend, I love spending time with him and can tell him anything. That’s where there’s a problem. After a whole year of being friends and nothing more and wanting nothing more, the block on him was broken.
• You see, I have a spinning wheel of eligible guys and a few girls in my head which I dream about. I have a block on certain guys, like who are take or people who I can only imagine as friends—like Sean. He just seemed so clean when we talked to him it didn’t spark my interest. No matter how much sex and related subject the girls talked around him it just make his slightly bad comments seem angelic in comparison. Not that he’s an angel, that couldn’t listen to us talk, but nothing sparked that side of me.

With many people from school telling us how perfect we were for each other, it was inevitable that padlock would one day break. Yet even after it did, my few sex dreams about Sean were not the fleshed out story ideas I was most accustomed to.

• 10/15/---d
• Wow that was incredible. I mean talk about female masturbation. I’ve always had an active imagination, well partnered with hormones OMG that felt so good. It was a pretty simple dream. I had a thought of sex, I thought of Sean. Then I thought of myself attached to Sean and my hands filtering through his clean hair simply intensified it. There was a little kissing, but most of it was this warm feeling of my vagina pulsing and opening up where it expected to have something shoved up it. Even now the nerves are repeating their signal of incredible enjoyment. To bad it’ll never really occur.

There is a certain cliché I see in Animes, a genre Sean loved to watch, that still makes me think of him. The male hero type who is clueless; he accidentally ends up in compromising situations with attractive women. The archetype feigns naivete, protests, or runs away when women attempt to seduce him or happen to be naked. This happens even when the woman involved is a legitimate romantic interest that the bashful character had been pursuing. Sean even told me about two such shows that include scantily clothed characters with my actual first name (spoilers, it’s not actually Lamb). When I switched from fraternal friendship to my more seductive nature, Sean bolted.  

Our friendship recovered, but only after I spent a jealous stint where I spent conversations pining over Jessica, the way he had pined so fitfully over B.  Jessica, who was later my maid of honor, was in my opinion the most beautiful girl in the world.  She conveniently lived far away so when I talked about her amber locks of hair and porcelain skin no one could hit her up and accidentally fall in love with her.  Sean got annoyed that my eyes would glaze over when I talked about her.  Jessica, who will be discussed more thoroughly when I talk about Camp, laughed hysterically when I told her Sean's reaction.  She informed me "I am not your lesbian lover!"  However, she agreed that she could pretend to be, if that would help teach Sean a lesson.  

–

A couple years after we graduated Sean asked me, if we had caved to the small town’s expectations, would I have been his first? I answered yes, before he finished articulating it. He proceeded to kick himself for his stupidity. The truth was, his reluctance was well placed. I did not have romantic feelings for Sean; I wanted sex and I’d give have given up his friendship to get it. He knew me well enough to not take that bait.

In the end, I am glad he didn’t, because I truly cared for him as a friend. I’m still able to talk to him casually online, which is not something I say with those I have gotten romantic with.  

• 09/01/---d End of the entry
• If anybody said, “Won’t it be good to see Sean?” It simply made me sullen.  
• ‘Why did I care so much for this kid?'  I do though and I did. It’s better to see and talk with him as a friend then to date any ’[1st Boyfriend] or Brent [?].
• As soon as I saw Sean all my anger and disinterest in his welfare evaporated. I literally ran across the commons to talk to him. (It wasn’t some big scene or anything). It was like last year. Everything from the summer forgiven on both sides.
   
• I love Sean, I don’t know how. It could be as a sister/brother, friend, or lover.