"Shit," I exclaimed, "the fire alarm!" Katherine and I had been locked in a passionate kiss when the alarm sounded, meaning my decision was to be delayed. Everybody had to pile out of their blocks immediately. For a moment, Kath and I looked into each others eyes. In her piercing blue eyes, I could see what I thought to be love and longing, but also sadness. I know that in mine, she would have seen the same. We hastily put our clothes back on, which had already been discarded in our passion, and without saying a word, we headed out to wait for the all-clear to go back inside.
Outside in the sunshine, Katherine seemed to sparkle. She truly was a beautiful woman. We stood only slightly apart, but she suddenly seemed miles away from me. Was she having second thoughts? Was I, for that matter? We had both shown each other our true feelings, yet we knew it wasn't right to act on them; at least not yet. She glanced over at me, a mix of emotions on her face. I opened my mouth as if to say something, then closed it again a couple of seconds later. Nothing would come. I just couldn't think of anything. She frowned and turned away again. A couple of minutes later, the accommodation officer came out of the building saying, "Flat 6 burnt their bacon and set the smoke alarm off!"
As everyone began walking back in, I looked towards Katherine as if to say, "What now?" But there was no response as she turned left to go off to her flat, so I turned around and started the walk back to my own block. What would have happened if Flat 6 hadn't burnt that bloody bacon? I asked myself. In fact, would I have even wanted to know what might have happened? Yes, one part of my brain told me. After all, I did love her unconditionally. But then, the other half said no. How could I betray my best friend like that? I had a huge decision to make, and I decided I was glad for Katherine's choice to give us both space. Space to really think.
I didn't sleep easily that night. Thoughts of that minute of passion plagued my mind with overwhelming feelings of guilt. The problem was, that was what I wanted. I wanted Katherine. No matter how much I knew it was wrong, I wanted Katherine to be mine to love and hold.
In the morning, Katherine did not come and knock on my door to walk to uni. In fact, she wasn't even in any of the lectures that day. She must have been feeling pretty rough, as she never missed lectures. I resigned myself to making the first move to talk that evening.
While I walked towards Katherine's flat, I pondered what I would say to her. I think I had to return her statement of love. Because I did love her. She needed to hear that I loved her back, more than anything else in the universe. When I knocked on her door there was a very slight shuffling sound, then silence. I knocked again; still silence.
"K..Katherine? Are you in there?"
"Tom, I don't think I can see you right now."
Her response stunned me. I knew she would be reserved, but she had never outright rejected me like this before.
"Look, Kath, I understand how you're feeling. I feel the same, trust me. But I really need to talk to you about it."
"T... Tom, I can't," she replied. I could hear her voice beginning to break up on her, and she was starting to cry.
"Kath, please don't get upset. It kills me to see or hear you like that."
"I'm... s...sorry, Tom, just leave me for now."
I was getting desperate. It had taken so much for me to walk over and knock on her door. I couldn't just leave without saying what I came to say.
"Katherine, I... I love you, too. I do, Kath. I love you so much. I've been in love with you for four years now. I never intended on acting upon it. But I've been spending so much time with you, that it's crept up on me. I can't hold it off any longer. If this isn't what you want, tell me to leave and I will."
Silence ensued for about five minutes. I waited patiently, as I knew Kath well enough to know she needed time to think over what I had told her.