Sitting on the couch as a movie she’d barely paid attention to ended, Alice took a deep breath, gathered her courage, and turned to her roommate.
“Julie, I need to ask you something.”
“Oh?” Julie raised an eyebrow and set down her bowl of popcorn. “So serious!”
“I, um,” she hesitated, “my boyfriend is going on this work trip, so he’ll be out of town for a few weeks, and…”
“And he wants to try an open relationship?” Julie nodded knowingly.
“What? No, he wants to try phone sex.”
“Oh! Well, that’s no big deal. Kinda old-fashioned now that we have video calls, but you do you. What’s got you worried?”
“Well, I always thought dirty talk was kinda dumb? Like, I don’t get how it’s sexy. Have you done it before?”
“My dirty talk game is legendary. One time in college, I turned a straight girl gay with a single phone call.”
“Really?” Alice looked skeptical.
“For real. When I hung up, she was a changed woman.”
“Okay, um… Can you teach me?”
“Alright, but don’t blame me if you want to dump your man when we’re done.”
“I think I’ll be okay.” Alice rolled her eyes. “I’m not some closeted coed looking to experiment, I just want some pointers on how to be sexy on the phone.”
“Okay!” Julie grinned. “If we’re gonna do this, we need to do it properly, so go to your room and call me.”
“We can’t just talk here on the couch?”
“No! You won’t be able to see him when you talk, and if you’re looking at me, you’ll get self-conscious. Go get comfortable. Oh, and use headphones. You’ll want your hands free.”
“My earbuds don’t work, I put them through the washing machine. And what do you mean I’ll want my hands free?”
“Think about talking to your guy. If the mood strikes, you need to be free to touch yourself. You want him to hear how turned on you are, not fumbling with your phone.” Alice looked unconvinced, but Julie stood firm. “If you want me to teach you, take it seriously!”
A few minutes later, after finding a spare pair of earbuds, they went to their separate rooms. Julie put on her headphones, fluffed her pillows, lay down on the bed, and answered her phone.
“Okay, so do I just start describing things I’m doing?” Alice sounded tense. “Or telling him to do stuff? Should I tell him what I’m wearing? That’s a thing, right?”
“Alice, slow down!” Julie laughed. “If you want this to work, you need to be relaxed and open to the possibility that it might be a good time. You sound like you’re trying to complete a checklist.”
“I’m just nervous! What if I say something dumb? What if he says something sexy, and I laugh?”
“Do you worry about that when you’re with him in person?”
“No.”
“Then don’t worry about it here. All he really wants is to know you’re into it… Into him. Forget about the phone or how silly you feel, and think about the way you would feel if you were lying next to him.”
“Okay.” Alice took a couple of deep breaths. “How do we start?”
“Like any conversation. You don’t dive into the deep end. You ease in. Leave space for things to get hot, but don’t expect it to start there. You can try the whole ‘what are you wearing’ thing, but I’ll tell you what’s always worked for me: telling stories.”
“What, like reading erotica?”
“No, like sharing a story about something that happened to you. Maybe the story is about something kinda hot. Maybe, in the course of telling it, it gets you turned on. Maybe when he hears you getting into it, it turns him on, too. Just start slow, and see where it goes from there.”
“What if I don’t have any stories like that to tell?”
“Take a real story and spice it up a bit. Hell, you could make something up completely, but it’s usually easier to build from something that really happened. Think about a moment you had with someone. Maybe you almost kissed, but didn’t. What if you had kissed? What would have happened next?”
“Hmmm.” Alice considered this. She sounded more relaxed, but still hesitant.
“Let me give you an example. You remember last week, the night I went clubbing?”
“Yeah, you came home at three in the morning, climbed into my bed and got a little handsy.”
“Well,” Julie grinned, “I get horny when I’m high. And I don’t remember you complaining.”
“…Anyway,” Alice demurred. “Yes, I remember.”
“Did I tell you what I got up to at the club?”
“You were mumbling something in my ear about making out on the dance floor.”
“I did more than make out, but we’ll get there. I was wearing that short silver dress… You know the one I mean? Spaghetti straps, kinda twirly?”
“I remember last time you wore it out, the guys couldn’t stop staring at your nipples. They’d practically shove me out of the way to dance with you.”
“Well, I don’t like the way it looks with a bra! And I was on the prowl that night. So I was out on the floor, and I ended up dancing near this girl. Short blonde bob, red mini skirt, halter top, and fuck-me heels. She was looking at me, and I was looking at her. And she leaned in and said, ‘I love your dress.’”
“I’ll bet she did.”
“Then the song changed, and suddenly the floor was packed. We were kinda pushed together, not that we minded, and things got steamier. She’s running her hands up and down my sides, getting closer and closer to my chest. There were people behind me, and they were bumping into me, pushing me closer against her. She finally ran her thumbs over my nipples and I leaned in and kissed her.”
