So that day when I came home after spending the night with Richard I just hung around at home and I wanted to go to bed early so I could finally get a good night's sleep, but I went into the kitchen first to make myself a cup of coffee, and people always tell me that that's a bad idea, having coffee before going to bed but I really like coffee and it doesn't affect me like that.

And then mom came in as I was waiting for the machine to finish and she said “Hi,” and I said “Hi,” and “Is the car working again?” and she said “It always worked, honey, it was just a broken headlight,” and I said “Oh, okay."

Then she said “Can we talk?” and I told her I was on my way to bed and she said “It won't take long, you won't even finish your coffee."

“Okay, sure,” I said, even though I didn't want to because when mom wanted to talk like that, when she said 'Can we talk?', it usually wasn't a good thing and I had about a thousand secrets and a million things I didn't want to talk about by then.
But I had already made coffee so I didn't really have a good excuse until I had finished it.

So I sat down at the kitchen table and she walked over to the machine to make herself a cup, and standing there waiting she said “You didn't spend the night with Lucy, did you?” and I wasn't even surprised and I didn't even care that much that she knew or how she knew.
And I said “No,” and she said “Where were you?” and I said “With a boy,” and she sat down on the chair across from me.

“Anyone I know?” she said.

“No,” I said.

“But you're being careful, right?”

“Mom, are we having 'The Talk'?" I said, doing that finger quote thing in the air when I said 'The Talk'.

"Because I really don't need to have 'The Talk'," I said and did it again. "I'm way past that,” and she said “I know, honey."

“So, how's Cait?” she said after she'd had a few sips of her coffee.

“He told you about that, huh?”

“Of course. Plus, I haven't seen her here in weeks, and that never happens does it?”

“I guess not” I said, and I wanted to tell mom about it and I wanted to ask her for advice on how to fix everything again but I couldn't figure out how to do that without telling her exactly what had happened, and of course I couldn't do that.

“Lovers' quarrel?”, she said and I said “Excuse me?!”

“Oh come on,” she said. “You don't think I know about you two?” and I said “What?” and I tried to give her my best I-have-no-idea-what-you're-talking-about look, shaking my head and looking surprised and even doing that stupid smile you do.

“Honey," she said. "You know I've caught you two more than a few times and maybe you think you had me fooled but; 'Duhh.. We were just about to try on some new underwear, mom'. I mean, really?”

And I gave up the act, even though I maybe should have been embarrassed and ashamed or maybe even angry and storming out of the kitchen or something, but I didn't and I wasn't, at all.
I was okay with it. It felt almost right that she knew and it was kind of a relief really but still for some reason my lips were trembling just a bit when I drank again and that annoyed me a little but I couldn't help it.

Then she said "And I saw you other times too, without you seeing me and it's ok, you know. It's perfectly normal and you can't decide who you fall in love with and all that I guess, and I'm not angry, honey, don't look at me like that.”

And I was looking at her like that not because maybe she was angry but because I suddenly thought of something and I said “Did you… did you hear us too?”

“Hear what?”

“Like, hear what we talked about?”

“Not really, no. I mean, sometimes sure, but you were just talking about, you know…”

And it was so bizarre hearing my mom say the words she said next.

“You know… sex. Cock and pussy and blowjobs and things like that.”

And I said “So you didn't hear who we were talking about?” and she said “Why? Was it someone special?” and I just nodded slowly and she said “Same person every time?” and I just kept on nodding and she just said “Hmm…” and I wasn't going to say any more about that, so we sat there quiet for a while and I finished my coffee and got up to make myself another one.

Then she said “So what happened between you two?” and I had my back to her when I answered, and I said “I really don't know. I mean, I do know I messed up and crossed a line I shouldn't have crossed and then I said some things I really shouldn't have said, but I don't understand why she reacted the way she did in the first place,” and I sat down at the table again.

“Well," mom said. "Maybe it really wasn't a big deal at first but then you both made it worse by whatever you said or did after?” and I said “No, it was a big deal at first. It made her cry even."

“What made her cry?” she said.

“Mom, that's just… I can't tell you that,” and she said “Of course you can. Look, first of all, you can tell me absolutely everything. And all those secrets you think I don't know anything about? Chances are I do know or at least have a pretty good idea. Like for example, I know you use my toys all the time."

And this time the embarrassment and the shame and the desire to storm out of the kitchen came for real, and I said “T-toys?”
And mom laughed and said “No, honey, not 't-t-t-toys'. Just 'toys'. My sex toys. My vibrators and dildos and everything I have in that locked drawer in my room that you've been able to pick open since you were what, fourteen?”

And I gulped down almost all of my coffee and it was way too hot and it burned my throat and I said “I'm… sorry?” and she said “It's okay. Again, it's perfectly normal. And if it bothered me I would have said something before, but it doesn't and how about this, next time you need any of them just ask if you can borrow it, okay? And in return I won't bother locking the drawer anymore. And I trust you wash everything before you put it back, right? I know I do.”

And I always did of course but I never even thought about that being an issue, I mean the other way around. I never thought that maybe it was a good idea to wash them before I used them, I guess I just never really thought that she actually used those things and she had so many things in there and it was like it was my secret little treasure chest that no one knew about, not even mom, and of course that was stupid because it was my mom's, but still.
And had I really cleaned everything every time? Some times I had to put it back in a hurry. Some times I had to keep it in my room for days before there was an opportunity to put it back.

“More coffee, honey?” mom said and I said “Yeah, thanks,” and she got up and then she said “What's your favorite?” and I said “Lungo. The red one.” And she looked at me all confused and said “What?” and then she laughed and said “No honey, not the coffee. The toys. Which is your favorite one?”

And there was just absolutely no way I was going to talk about that with my mom, no way ever, but still I said “Uhm, I guess… the big one,” and she said “With the suction cup on it?” and I said “Uh, yeah”.

And she said “That's my favorite too."

She sat down again and gave me my cup and she said “I like them big,” and she winked and I said “Mom, please,” and she said “Don't you?” and I said “I guess,” and then we were both quiet again for a while and she sort of drifted away in her thoughts it seemed and after a while she said “Does Cait?”

And something about the way she said it made me a bit wary and I said “I don't know,” and then I said “She's never used your things. I mean I never, you know… with her,” and she said “Oh, okay,” and then she said “So what do you do?”.

"Nothing really," I said. "I mean we just do it to ourselves. Together.” And she said “Oh, I see."

“And I guess that was the problem," I said.

“Because you wanted more?”

“Yeah, and I did it,” and she said “To her?” and I said “Yeah,” and she said “Even though she didn't want to?” and I said “Yeah I guess, but not like that. Not like I… forced myself on her or anything. I thought she wanted to.”

And mom said “I see,” again.

And after another break she said “I'll tell you one of my secrets."

"When I was your age I was good friends with your friend Lucy's mom, and back then she wasn't the way she is now. I mean, back then she was hot and silly and fun, and she had every guy running after her and she even dated your uncle for a while and she was crazy about him. And she was with girls too, including me, and I wasn't even gay or anything, but sometimes I was I guess, and sometimes I still am. And sometimes I had sex with girls that I in no way was in love with and sometimes I was kind of in love with girls that I had no intention of having sex with, and so I guess what I'm saying is, maybe this thing between you two was really complicated for Cait and maybe she thought she had it figured out and you ruined that for her.”

And the things she said blew my mind and I had no idea, but it made sense. I mean, there were some things there that I didn't want to think too much about, but the stuff about Cait made sense, and it made me feel better, and so, because I felt better but also because I wanted to end the conversation before she got into too many details, I said “Thanks, mom," and stood up from the chair.

And she said “Anytime, honey,” and she got up too and took our cups with her to the sink and she said “You should call Cait,” and I was already thinking maybe I could even go over to Cait's place because face to face is always better, but not today, I really needed to sleep but maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow was Sunday and I could borrow mom's car and maybe Cait and I could go for a drive and just talk alone and I said “Mom, can I borrow…” and she said “Yes you can, honey. It's locked but the key is under the flower pot by the window,” and I thought 'Why would she leave her car keys there?' but then of course I realized she wasn't talking about the key to her car.

And I opened my mouth to explain but then I thought 'Don't bother, just let it be, don't start her talking again', and I said “Ok, thanks,” and turned around and as I left the kitchen she said “But not the big one this time, honey. He's mine tonight,” and I shuddered like I thought that was gross, but it wasn't really genuine.

So I went upstairs and headed for my room and I passed the door to mom's room on the way and I went in there like I wasn't thinking about it, and the key was where she had said it was and I walked over to the big dresser by the opposite wall and opened the top drawer, and it had never been hard to pry open, you just had to pull the front of it down a little and the tiny bolt would pop out of the hole.

And I looked at all the stuff in there and thought about how more and more toys had appeared over the last few years and she had known I used them for so long and I wondered if she had ever thought more about me than herself when she bought some of it but I wrestled that thought out of my head quickly, just like I did with the next thought that came, about how some of the things in there were toys that you weren't really supposed to use alone.

I took the gold-colored vibrator and left.

And in my room I took all my clothes off and lay face down on my bed and spread my legs and then I turned the vibrator on and put it on my clit but that was too much too soon so I turned it off again and used my hand instead.

And I think maybe that's one of my favorite ways to do it, just lying down with my legs spread far and my hand under me like I'm pinning my hand to the bed and I can rub myself and hump my hand at the same time, and of course I do it with the duvet covering me too but there's something about having your naked ass out in the open like that that I really like, it's almost as if the air itself is stroking my ass. I mean, sometimes even if it's a little cold I like to just pull the duvet away from just my ass at least.
And I put my other arm around my pillow, hugging it, and I masturbated like that for a long time, and when that wasn't enough anymore I got up on my knees but still with my legs spread a little and my face down in the pillow and still with my fingers on my clit and I let go of the pillow and grabbed the vibrator again and reached behind myself and put it in my pussy from behind and I fucked and rubbed myself like that and it felt better than ever and I tried to just enjoy it and not think about anyone but instead I thought about everyone.

And in my mind they were all standing there watching me and making me do things and for a second it was so real I actually got that feeling you get when you feel someone's eyes on you, and I even quickly turned around to look at the door behind me and it was ajar by an inch or so even though I was sure I had closed it, but there wasn't anyone there of course, so I kept fucking myself and then I came so hard I had to bite into the pillow.

And I fell asleep like that, still holding the vibrator in my hand. But I only slept for a couple of minutes because that's when Richard texted me asking if I wanted to come over again and I wrote “Sorry, I can't” and then he sent me that picture of his dick and I think I actually said “Ew!” out loud, but I sent him a smile emoji anyway and then, because I suddenly felt brave I guess, I scrolled to Cait's number and our messages and I just wrote “I miss you” and pushed 'send'.

And it couldn't have been more that two seconds later when the answer came and it just said “I miss you too” and I fell asleep again, naked on top of the covers, smiling.