My hands clench and unclench as I stared at my phone. The number dialed, I just have to hit the button. I have nobody else to turn to, I have to make this call. My mother would help me in a second, but she’s done so much for me already. I can’t make her drop everything again, just to bail me out. My mother has always been very strict, but underneath it all I know she loves me unconditionally. Ever since my father cheated on her and left the family she has been closed off and distant. I know she would help me, but I couldn’t put her through even more stress in her life. I had another family member, but I just couldn’t bring myself to hit the damn button.

Would she even answer my call? It’s been 2 years since I last talked to my sister. We left things kind of rocky after I told her to butt out of my life. She didn’t think my girlfriend was being faithful, I didn’t want to hear it and I blew up at my sister. After a few days I regretted my words and wanted to apologize, but I chickened out every time I dialed her number. Then two weeks ago I walk in on my girlfriend fucking one of my coworkers. I’ve sat up at night thinking about my sister’s words, I should have listened to her. She was only trying to protect me, it’s her nature. 

Unlike my mother, my sister is very open and loveable. She is the perfect friend, always looking after the people she cares about the most. She is also insanely beautiful, but she shares that trait with my mother.

Still staring at my phone I decided enough was enough. I hit the button and brought it to my ear. As I heard the ringing I immediately felt the need to end the call. This was bad, what am I going to say? Oh my god, I didn’t think this through at all.

“Hello?” My sister’s kind voice came through the phone. She didn’t sound mad. Good.

“Hey, long time no see” I respond. What the fuck. Smooth move jackass. What a stupid thing to say.

“I’m really sorry, but who is this, it’s not a number I have saved” I hear my sister say in confusion.

Huh? Did she delete me from her phone? I cut her out of my life, of course she would delete my number. I was such a jerk, it’s really not surprising. Well, this idea is dead in the water. Maybe I should just call mom and see . . wait . . . .  oh, I changed my carrier a year ago. Ok, this isn’t bad, I can do this. Honestly I could just hang up now and she would never know I called her. I have a strong desire to just end the call, but I pushed myself this far, all I have to do is follow through. Yeah, easier said than done.

“Hello? Are you still there?” My sister says, even more confused.

“Sorry I got a new phone. This is Devin. How have you been sis?” I say with more confidence than I currently possess.

Silence.

Ok, the realization that this was a terrible idea has never been clearer. Maybe I should say sorry and just hang the phone up. Yeah, that’s what I should do.

“Oh my god, Devin is that really you? What’s going on, why are you calling me? I thought you never wanted to talk to me again?” My sister’s voice responded, I could hear the hurt in her words. Had she carried this hurt with her for two years?  I felt terrible when I said it, but that can’t compare with the shame I am currently feeling. Men will do stupid things when in love, or I should say in lust. Love is tricky. I love my family, of course I do, but that can’t compare to the mind numbing void of thinking about sex and only sex. This is what I felt with Tracy, my ex. The things I did to impress her make me cringe.

“Emma, you have no idea the shame I feel for having said those words to you. The fact that you were right just makes things worse. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. All I can do is say that I will try to be a better little brother in the future. I’m so sorry.” I say with conviction. I will do everything in my power to make this right.

“Dev stop, I’m just glad to hear from you. It’s been . . . wait, I was right?”

“Yeah, you were right, I caught her in bed with a co-worker.”

“What? She cheated on you? Why would she do that? Oh my god, Dev I’m so sorry.”

“Emma it’s ok, I left her and it’s all behind me now” I said, even though it still hurt. The feeling of rejection, the feeling of being duped. The humiliation of having to face my co-worker for weeks after finding them. The call was going well, but now I had to ask her for help. This was going to be the most difficult part. Eating crow, yeah, I can do that. Begging, on the other hand, I find to be very difficult. 

“Emma, look I’m glad you’re not mad at me, but I have to ask you a favor. I understand if you say no, I mean after everything I said I wouldn’t blame you, but I have no place to go. I need a place to stay, I just quit my job.”

Silence.

 Deafening silence.

 Oh wow, my heart is pounding out of my chest. She doesn’t want to see me. That’s why she isn’t saying anything. I can’t blame her. I’ve lost my sister, one of the nicest people I know hates me. This is what I deserve. Ok, the silence is getting out of hand.

“Emma, don’t worry about it” I start to say, but the phone rings directly in my ear. Holy shit, that was loud. Looking down I see a picture of my sister next to my mother. Emma is calling me. The call dropped? My sister doesn’t hate me? I might not be living on the street?

“Oh thank god, I thought you hung up on me” I say, laughing a little, after picking up the call.

“Dev I am so sorry, my phone died. I forgot to charge it last night. You said you needed a favor?”

“Yeah, I do.” Somehow this was harder the second time around. “Look I understand if you say no, but I currently have no place to stay. I quit my job this morning. I couldn’t take it anymore. The humiliation. .

“Wait, what? You quit your job? What are you humiliated about? Of course you can stay with me, you’re always welcome to stay with me . . .  . . Well I have to ask Cory to make sure it’s ok . . . . . . . .  But I am sure he will be fine with it.” I hear her say, a little uncertain at the end.

“Who’s Cory?” I ask, wondering if that is her current boyfriend.

“Oh my god. Right, you don’t know Cory. Um . . . well. Has mom not told you? Cory is my fiancé.”

“What?”

System failure. Brain shutting down. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT? This seems like some pretty important information. Why would mom keep this from me? I talked to her a week ago. I don’t know what to say. Surely her fiancé won’t want me around.

“Emma, I am so sorry. I didn’t know. Congratulations. Mom never told me, though this seems like something she should have mentioned. Look don’t worry about me, I will find some other place to stay. Maybe I’ll just swallow my pride and call mom.”

“NO!! . . . I mean wait, I can call and ask him then call you right back. It’s no problem seriously. I really want to see you, it’s been so long. Besides, mom is in the process of moving anyways.”

WHAT? What the hell, why doesn’t my mother tell me anything. This is ridiculous. Is she getting married too? At this point nothing would surprise me.

“Another thing she failed to mention. Where is she moving to? I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.” I say, disappointment clearly in my voice.

I feel a little hurt that she didn’t tell me these things. Have I been that distant to my family? I may have not called as often as I should have, but I talked to my mother almost weekly. I feel like I’m losing my family. It’s really ironic. Last week I probably wouldn’t have cared as much, but family is all I have left. I have been a terrible son and an even worse brother. I have to do something, I have to change.

“She’s actually moving here. She probably didn’t want to bother you about it. Look, why don’t I call Cory and make sure it’s ok. Like I said it should be ok, but it would be rude not to ask anyways. I can call you right back, ok?”

“Sure, look, just don’t force him. I can always move in with mom. Speaking of mom, I am going to call her right now and see why she has been so tight lipped about things lately. How about I call you back in five?”

“Ok, talk to you in a few. Oh, and dev?”

“Yeah Em?”

“Love you”

“Love you too, Em.”

I hung up the phone and began immediately going through my contacts to find my mother’s number. This isn’t something small that she forgot to tell me. This is a big deal. She’s moving across state lines, not down the street. As I find the number I look at the picture I used for her contact info. It’s a picture she texted to me about four months ago, she looks so beautiful in the picture and it makes me miss her so much. It’s been almost a year since I last visited her and every time I see the picture I feel the need to run straight to her. Had she already planned on moving then? Why wouldn’t she just tell me? The picture is of her at the lake, she enjoys the outdoors and she has a rare smile on her face. Her features are sharp, severe even. She’s absolutely a beautiful woman, I am not ashamed to admit. In her forties and she looks to be in her thirties.  Her dark hair that she keeps shorter in the back and comes to her jawline in the front has always been her defining feature. It accentuates her strong jawline and pert nose. Like I said, severe yet beautiful features. Severe features to go along with her severe demeanor. Well, severe or not, she has a lot to answer for, I think to myself as I hit the call button.

As the phone rings my fury and resolve dissipate. I start to worry, once again I called without thinking things through, I can’t just yell at my mother for not telling me things. She doesn’t owe me an explanation. Oh god, what am I going to say? I can hang up and tell her I pocket dialed her. Yeah, that sounds reasonable.

“Hey honey, what a pleasant surprise. You never call me twice in a week.” My mother’s voice brings me back to reality. Well, I could still hang up. No. I have to be more reliable. A better son.

“Hello mom, why didn’t you tell me you were moving?”

“Who told you that? Yes, honey I put the house up for sale and it sold a lot quicker than I thought it would. Honestly I didn’t tell you because you’ve been so caught up with work. It’s not like you come see me very often, but now I will be closer to you and you can visit more.”

Well, that sounds reasonable. Wait, no. She still should have said something. This is a big deal, right? I know I should be upset, but . . . wait there is something else.

“Ok, but why didn’t you tell me that Emma was getting married? That’s big news. I don’t understand why you have been withholding things from me”

Silence. My mother is speechless? She kept this from me for a reason then, I wonder what it could be.

“Did you talk to Emma, dear?”

“Yes, we talked today. She didn’t seem to hate me. I was surprised and felt a little ashamed that I waited so long to apologize. She is the one that told me you were moving as well.”

“Oh . . . Well, Honey that’s great to hear. It’s about time you two made up.”

Weird. Her voice went up. She’s lying? No, why wouldn’t she be happy about that? She’s probably just surprised.

“As for her engagement, well, I think she could do so much better. He seems nice enough, but Emma deserves the best.”

“I agree that she deserves the best, but shouldn’t that be something she decides on her own?”

I hear laughter from her end, my mother is laughing. Her laughter is like music. It’s been so long since I’ve heard her laugh it gives me pause.

“Oh honey, talking again for a day and you’re already protecting her again. Sorry, it’s just been a while since you’ve taken up for her and it just took me by surprise. Look honey, I didn’t tell you because I knew you weren’t talking and I didn’t want to bring up hurt feelings. I didn’t think you would care.”

“Of course I care. She’s my sister. I also care that you’re moving, that’s important information. Please, keep me informed. I can come help you move if you need the help. I don’t mind. In fact it would help me as well, I don’t exactly have anywhere to live currently. Emma said I might be able to stay with her, but she has to ask her fiancé first.”

“You don’t have anywhere to live? What happened?”

“It’s a long story, but bulletpoints are I found Tracy cheating with a co-worker, somebody I thought was a friend, we broke up and I couldn’t take working in the same place that they both worked so I quit. She moved out and the rent is just too expensive. I can’t afford to live on my savings and nobody is hiring. It’s been rough, I’m not going to lie, but I think it’s for the best that I move.”

Telling my mother about what happened only made me feel worse. This happened weeks ago and I didn’t tell her. What kind of hypocrite am I? I can’t believe I thought I was justified in being mad at my mother.

“That’s terrible. I am so sorry to hear that. You can always live with me baby, I can’t believe that woman. What kind of a monster does that? Honey, you can always live with me, I would love that. Hopefully I’ll be all moved in by Sunday. “

“I can’t wait until Sunday mom, the landlord was nice enough to let me skip the rent and stay an extra night, but I have to be out by tomorrow. If I can’t stay at Emma’s, I’ll find a cheap motel for the night and help you move Saturday.”

“I really think it would be best if you stayed with me, baby I really need to talk to you about something. . “

She cuts off as I hear yelling in the background.

“Baby, wait one second . . . “  I hear her talking to someone in the background. No not talking. Telling. There is the mother I know. She seems to be upset about something.

“Mom, it’s ok. I will let you know what Emma says.”

”Ok, honey, I have to go. They almost destroyed my armoire. These people have no respect for my things, maybe I should have just moved them myself. I’ll call you later, ok? Keep me posted. Love you baby.”

“Love you too, mom. I will, bye.”

After talking to my mother, I feel a little better. Maybe she really was just trying to spare my feelings. I can be a little emotional at times I admit. It does seem out of character for her though, I wonder what is going on. Come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time she was cold to me. I can’t believe I haven’t noticed this change.

Looking down at my phone I quickly search through the contacts again until I find my sisters number. The picture is of her and mom at an Italian restaurant near where my sister used to have an apartment. The differences between them are vast. Honestly besides her nose, ears and deep green eyes, my sister is quite different than my mom. Long blonde hair that comes down to the small of her back and a face that is more cute than beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, my sister has plenty of beauty, but it’s more a youthful beauty than the striking, mature beauty of my mother.  Her 5”4’ frame is also much smaller than my mother, who has about 5 inches on my sister. I really miss her a lot.

I hit the call button as I shake my head to clear my thoughts. As the phone rings my stomach does flips thinking of the rejection waiting on the other end of the call. There is no way her fiancé wants to share the house with her brother. I’m just going to get in the way, maybe I should just move in with mom. She seemed pretty open to the idea, happy about it even. The phone only rings once before I hear my sister’s voice.

“Dev, Hey what took you so long? I was worried you changed your mind and I was about to call you.”

“Emma, hey, I’m sorry I was talking to mom and she was explaining why she wasn’t telling me things. Look, I realized that I was being a bit forward in asking you...