“Hey mum,” said Tobias, as he closed the door behind him.

“Hey love. How was your shift?”

“Oh, fine, fine. Listen, I’m going out tonight, OK?”

Eliska froze. Could tonight be the night?

“Oh, that sounds fun. Will you be late?”

“I’ll be out a while, so I’ll keep quiet when I get back.”

“OK, love.”

Tobias bustled around his room, got dressed, and had dinner. As he did so, Eliska texted her best friend, Anna.

“He’s going out tonight. I can grab the keys.”

“Do it! Don’t mess it up, we might not get another chance!”

Tobias went out. Eliska texted Anna.

“He’s gone. Be ready in fifteen minutes.”

Eliska hurried upstairs. Switched on the light in her son’s room. Please, God, be obvious where they are. They weren’t on his bedside table…he’d worn his black jacket. Perhaps in the pockets…yes!

She grabbed the key fob, then ran downstairs and out the door.

Anna was only able to open the key-cutting store where she worked for the briefest of times without questions being asked. The police could walk by and wonder if cat burglars were making skeleton keys. They had to be in and out.

“Come on, come on!”

The machine whirred as the metal was chopped to fit the shape of Tobias’s keys. There were four keys on the fob. They’d have to be lucky and get it right the first time.

“OK, that’s it! Let’s go!”

The two women quickly shut down the key-cutting place. They had what they needed.

                                                                                                *

Barbora received a text at nine am the next day. Picking up the message, she saw she’d been added to a new group.

“Museum”

Her eyes widened. Surely, they hadn’t….

                                                                                                *

They agreed that they should dress as normally as possible for the attempt. Three women wearing all black or skintight latex or black and white striped burglar suits would surely draw attention. No, they had to look as innocent as they could. What could be more natural than three middle-aged women out for a stroll late at night in Prague?

Eliska, the tallest of the three, wore her jeans and white puffer jacket. Anna, the oldest at forty-five, was also in jeans, and a long brown coat reached her knees. Barbora, the youngest by some years, wore a red skirt, white pullover, and heels.

They chose a Monday night, the day when the square would be quietest. They met at midnight. They all had a drink in a bar, staying until the place closed at one o’clock in the morning. Then they scurried across the square, past Prague’s famous astronomical clock and then it was there, just on the edge of the square…            

The museum lay in darkness. There was no security guard. The exhibits weren’t valuable enough to pay for one. Anna and Barbora stood guard. There was no one around. Eliska put the thickest, seemingly most important key into the lock…yes, it opened.  

The three women hurried in. Eliska said quickly, breathlessly,

“You two, get out of sight. Run upstairs!” 

Barbora and Anna hurried beyond the front door, past the ticket office. Eliska thrust the key back into the door and locked it from the inside. Then she hurried away from the door.

They’d done it. They’d gained after-hours access to the Prague Sex Machines Museum.

                                                                                                *            

At first, all three looked around, their flashlights roaming around the rooms like burglars. Anna was moved by the old price lists for a prostitute who had lived a century ago. Eliska scarcely believed that men could enjoy having an electrical charge applied to their penis, but there was a machine for that. Barbora felt physically sick when she saw an eighteenth-century dryer for reusing condoms in a brothel and a pubic hair wig that hookers had used to conceal genital warts from clients.

“OK, girls, choose your weapon!”

Eliska had opened every cabinet. They all agreed they would start by making use of a novelty dildo. There was certainly an impressive selection. There was a cabinet of pierced cocks, dripping with many rings and studs. There were cocks for which the description ‘large’ was inadequate. There were cocks made of every material, as if a poor carpenter, perhaps of Bethlehem, had supplemented the income he made from crafting tables with a sideline in phalluses of bronze, metal, and wood.

 There was even one with a camera mounted on it, like a go-pro, to live stream your innards.

Anna made a beeline for the biggest one she could find. It was white and absolutely enormous, worth at least two regular-sized dicks combined. No real man could have a fourteen-inch long, four-inch circumference penis, surely? She pulled it out. Yes, it was a vibrator too.

They had all brought batteries, so Anna found a bench in the corner of one of the rooms and she sat down to try and get this monstrosity into herself. She was not entirely sure it would be possible.

Eliska discovered a dildo mounted on the turret of a remote-control tank.

“Slava Ukrainia,” she muttered as she pulled it out of the cabinet, hoping it would work, once she added the batteries she’d brought. Yes, it whirred into life. Eliska sat on the floor, her back against the wall. She pulled down her panties and rubbed herself a little to warm up. Then she added some lubricant to both her pussy and the dildo on the tank.

“Right, we’re here on the front line. The general is prepared to order an advance. The trench has been in a stalemate for a while and glad to see some action….”

She had to practice the controls a little, learning how the tank moved. But when she had mastered it, she controlled it’s approach to her waiting cunt and it was as if the driver was employing stealth before a charge into battle. The toy inched closer and closer and then she felt it nudge her lips…

The tank-mounted dildo needed a little help inside her, but once it was there…Eliska continued her running commentary to herself,

“Ordinarily, wet conditions hamper tank movement. But not today. Today, the slime and sludge are positive for the commander as he thrusts forward into the trench….”

There was a cry of pleasure from the next room. Evidently, the other girls had found their toys.

“The screams of battle are ringing in the soldier’s ears, but still, he moves…on! Still…oh! Still, he advances, even to the crack of doom!”

She operated the tank increasingly confidently, moving it back and forth inside herself…

Barbora would have liked to try the dildo with the camera, to see inside herself, but even when the batteries were in, she realized that there was no monitor to attach to the camera. Instead, something else caught her eye. It was a stone phallus. The caption read,

“Prehistoric sex toy. Approximately 25,000 years old.”

Marveling at the age of the thing, she picked it up. Had she ever held anything this old before? Maybe a fossil. It was not very big, only about five inches long, but the thing interested her so much that she knew she had to try it. She rubbed it a bit, trying to warm it up.

Barbora pulled her panties down and eased the thing inside her. It had existed for a thousand generations, and now, improbably, the stone cock was alive again, fulfilling its calling in life by servicing a clitoris. It was like an ancient professor called out of retirement to present one last lecture to students who had not been born when she had first retired. Barbora closed her eyes and worked it inside her. The stone, once it was a bit warmer, felt surprisingly comfortable. It was different but not unpleasant. In fact, it had a quality of hardness she had never experienced before, a quality that was working for her.

She tried to imagine the women that had used this thing before. It would surely have been handed down from grandmother to mother to daughter and so on. Probably it had been lost and found many times and passed around whole tribes, like Sauron’s ring.     

Oh, it felt good. It was reaching her G-spot now and she pressed the stone phallus deeper inside her. She’d not really thought of cave-women as sexual beings, but of course, they had been. Sex had been pleasurable for them too. They’d had their needs and desires. And this stone cock would have fulfilled them, perhaps in the hands of a loving partner…

 She closed her eyes and the years separating her from the making of this toy fell away, and she was feeling it, wondering if it was modelled on a real penis of a real man.

Perhaps a man had, improbably, been fossilized in the act of jerking off? Was it possible that his wife’s ancestors had snapped off the dick to keep his memory alive?

She tried to imagine herself out in the forest, imagining the birds chirping and the wind across her face.

Barbora’s son liked a band called “Queens of the Stone Age.” She would never listen to their songs the same way again.

Anna, meanwhile, had, with difficulty, got the fourteen-inch dildo inside her. Jesus. Her husband was perfectly adequately endowed for her but this thing…it was almost too big. Perhaps the reason men did not, typically, have fourteen-inch penises was that those who did have been weeded out by evolution by natural selection.

Had women across time seen those preposterously endowed men disrobe and run away? Or, perhaps, they had tried but simply been unable to perform the deed? She knew that thought would be a comfort to many an average man.

It was, in fact, not too big to use. In fact, it was reaching places untouched by human hands. Christ...this was outrageous, almost uncomfortable, almost impossible to operate but once it was there…

The three horny housewives each retreated into their own world. Anna brought herself to orgasm fastest with the colossal dildo. Barbora needed more time with the stone phallus. And Eliska?

“The heat of the battle. The tank must surely fire soon, but no, the commander has exercised self-restraint and his ally is close to glory. Deep in the trench, conditions are appalling, and blood has even been spilled, but victory is close and there’ll be dancing in the streets, there’ll be…,”

She came, then rested her head back against the cabinet.

“Fireworks.”

                                                                                     *

They’d cleaned up the dildos they’d used and carefully replaced them in the cabinets.

“Should we get out of here?”

“No, we’ve only been here half an hour. Let’s try at least one other machine.”

Barbora was the nerviest one of the group. She was worried that, at any minute, the police would be stomping up the stairs and then she’d have to face her husband. Gossip would reach her neighbours and her friends. It always did. It might even reach her son…

The other women were more composed, and now they browsed the larger sex machines on display in the center of the room.

“Eliska, will you join me on the playground?”

It was a seesaw. On the end of both seats, a large, thick dildo was attached.

“You’re on!”

Barbora giggled as the other two mounted this weird contraption.

“Don’t watch us, honey, go and get yourself a toy.”

In the middle of the room, Barbora found an exercise bike with a huge phallus that moved up and down, driven by the movement of the wheel. She got aboard and began to pedal. Wow! It was a shock at first, the way the dildo moved so hard and fast into her, without foreplay or slow buildup. But when she found the right speed and rhythm, it began to do more for her than the stone dick had, and faster too.

“I am definitely cancelling my gym membership and getting one of these!” she cried out to her friends, who were seesawing up and down and giggling.

The seesaw with the inbuilt dildos wasn’t exactly turning Eliska or Anna on. Seeing the other woman, fully clothed above the waist, bounce up and down and up and down just yards away didn’t help the mood. It was fun, but it wasn’t sexy. It was just too silly.

“You know, for a bi-sexual couple this would be perfect,” gasped Anna, “One in her privates, one in his ass.”

“Only if they weighed about the same. Imagine if he was huge and she was tiny and couldn’t lift him off the ground!”

They gave up trying to achieve orgasm through the doubly dildoed seesaw.

(Author’s note: That is a sentence I never thought I would write.)

                                                                                                *            

The three women stared at the huge contraption. It was a wooden frame. There was a diagram. The woman was meant to be strapped to it, naked and bent over. An instrument of torture? No. There was a huge phallus on a rope-operated contraption that would enter her repeatedly from behind. It was driven by a pedal.

“Used in mental hospitals, then known as lunatic asylums, to calm women with hysteria,” read Anna from the caption.

 “Well, it beats little blue pills,” observed Eliska.

“And expensive sessions on the psychiatrist’s couch,” Anna murmured.

“I had a session on the psychiatrist’s couch that was well worth the money, I’ll have you know!” said Eliska, a wicked smile on her face.

“Come on, we should try it and then get out of here,” Barbora said nervously.

“Who is going first?”

“I will,” said Eliska eagerly.

She stepped forward and dropped her clothes. Eliska bent over, placing her hands on the appropriate parts of the frame.

“Do you want to be tied on?”

“No, I just won’t move. Go for it!”

Anna stood above the pedal. Eliska’s vagina was visible, but the phallus had quite a distance to swing before it reached her. Anna needed to be sure of her aim. Eliska would not want a guided cruise missile to the buttocks, or, worse, a battering ram breaking through the sealed entrance to the castle.

She pressed it gently and the dildo swung up and touched the outside of her pussy, then Anna released the clutch, and it retreated without penetration.

“Harder!” said Eliska.

Anna tried again, and this time she hit the mark. Eliska’s pussy was wet, and the dildo barged in.

“Oh!” cried Eliska.

Spurred on, Anna pressed harder and then the dildo swept gleefully through her lips and deep inside Eliska, who squealed. Anna now didn’t release the dildo fully. There was no need for a golfer’s swing every time.

“That’s it! Keep it up!” she cried. The wooden phallus rammed into her from behind and, again, she gave an “Oh!”

Barbora watched Anna operating the machine, watched Eliska’s ass and exposed pussy stretched by her bending over the machine. She realized two things at once. Firstly, Anna rogering Eliska with a wooden cock while she was bent over a sex machine was among the most bizarre sights she had ever seen. And secondly, this one was not for her. Apart from anything else, that phallus would need a deeper clean than they had time to give it for Barbora to be comfortable taking it inside her.

But they did have a copy of the keys. There could be another day…

Ten minutes passed. Barbora took over the controls. Eliska was frantic.

“This is supposed to cure hysteria, not cause it!” giggled Anna.

And, indeed, Eliska was crying out as the wooden dick, ever-hard, ever-erect, penetrated her trembling cunt and her orgasm needed just a twist to be set forth and Barbora very slightly increased the speed with which she was pressing the pump.

“Ooohhh!”

Eliska was coming.

“My dad offered to teach me some carpentry with my brother,” Anna sighed, watching Eliska’s body shiver on the wooden frame as the swinging cock fanned her orgasm.

“Why didn’t I join them?”

                                                                                                                *

There was a mini theatre and, when they got it going, an ancient porno from the dawn of the cinematic age began to play. It was black and white, and the film was silent. There was a well-dressed woman and a priest in a cassock. At first, she confessed. Then she fell to her knees in prayer. The priest caressed her breast then she reached under his robe. The three horny housewives sat and watched as she began to fondle his exposed penis.

“I never knew they made pornos in those days,” said Barbora.

“Of course they did. Baby boomers didn’t invent sex, you know.”

“Well, no, but…it’s kind of sad when you think about it. They’re both long dead.”

There was a few seconds of silence, then Anna said,

“Yeah. But they had fun.”

It was clear, watching the actors, that they were both having enormous fun camping it up. This was especially true when another priest ‘accidentally’ walked in on them and threw up his hands in mock horror.

The well-to-do woman, one breast bare, jerked and briefly sucked the priest’s penis on the screen.

The three horny housewives of Prague watched until the end of the film. There was no cum shot. Times have changed. They closed the cinema, double-checked the cabinets were locked, and made for the exit.

They stepped out into the dark night and Eliska turned to lock up the museum. It was two am, and the street was deserted. Anna and Barbora were talking in hushed tones and giggling, and with the clanging of the keys in the locks, none of them heard the approaching footsteps.

“Excuse me, ladies. Might I ask what you are doing?” said the policeman.